Movies about death: The Farewell and Shadowlands

I did do some writing on media about death previously:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/01/a-year-or-so-of-magical-reading.html 

Even though that post title indicates a focus on reading, the arc on Blackish where Bow's father dies had a big impact.

There were movies that were part of this too, with mixed results.

The Farewell (2019)

This one touched me a lot. I did actually reference (though not very much) it in a different blog post:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/07/movies-for-apahm-2024.html 

That timing is weird to me. I seem to remember seeing it in the theater, which should have been around 2019 or 2020, but I did not write about it until 2024? Or maybe I had just been holding on to it, not really completely processing it.

It appears that I saw it while I was still a full-time caregiver; I can't imagine why I had to put off writing about it.  

In the movie, the grandmother of a large family has cancer that it is assumed will be fatal. They decide to keep it from her, but hold a wedding so all of the family will come together and can spend time with her. One granddaughter is especially struggling with it, though you do see the pressure on the grandson getting married as well. 

We can only assume that Nai-Nai's children and extended family are having struggles that they are not showing.

The granddaughter's father takes her aside and explains that they are carrying the burden for the grandmother.

There is a level at which I still don't know how I feel about that. It can be beautiful to help people with their burdens, but I hate not having knowledge. If the grandmother would have specific things she wanted to do to prepare for death, they are not giving her the chance. They seem to be thinking that knowing would overshadow everything, and it might. 

Making plans without knowing outcomes is part of life. 

(As it is, it was based on filmmaker Lulu Wang's real family, and her grandmother lived at least six years past her diagnosis. She did find out because of the movie.)

What I do know is how hard it hit that we (especially me) were carrying the burden for my mother. 

Because of her mother, Alzheimer's was a big fear for her. It could have been horrible for her as she felt things slipping away, but through a combination of denial and not being able to perceive and know plus forgetting things that did sink in, in many ways her suffering has been relatively light. As she started to not be able to have peace in the house, she moved into residential care and found an active social life where she was very popular. She became carefree in a way that she never was before.

Back at home we are still feeling it. We are going to be feeling it for a while.

Shadowlands (1993)

I know I saw this much after its release, and I have to say I hated it.

I love C.S. Lewis, and I like A Grief Observed, which I assumed had influenced this.

First of all, this movie, based on a play, is pretty boring, even with some good actors in it.

I don't hate it because it's boring, but because I think it is so completely false to the real people that they should have made it straight fiction.

I don't object to them only showing one of her sons; combining characters is pretty normal. 

Lewis was indeed caught by surprise by falling in love with Joy. It did change things for him, but the film portrayed him as this barely awake to humanity recluse who only came alive because of her. 

Before Joy, Lewis was a soldier, he had a long-term relationship with another woman, and he had to care for a very alcoholic brother. These are mostly things I know from other people who hated the film, but they aren't hard to fine. One former schoolmate described Lewis as "riotously amusing."

Because the writer has no idea of Lewis as a person, we have a Lewis who has to learn to live not just from Joy but also from a fictional student who falls asleep in class because he stays up late reading books that he steals.

You can do that without taking up a spot at Cambridge!

It's like the worst fan fiction where the writers are trying to correct the flaws in a work that they couldn't understand because it didn't align closely enough to their experiences and worldview. (Which makes it weird that there is a line about books helping us not be lonely, because if you can't learn to understand other points of view from books, what are you even doing?) 

I guess it's good if sometimes the media you are watching for one specific purpose does not really work with that purpose. 

I probably did cry when Joy died, but it didn't stay with me. 

I am still mad about this movie years later. I kind of want to hold it against James Frain, who played the narcoleptic kleptomaniac, but he is a good actor. It's not his fault. It's the playwright. 

If at some point I decide to watch The Farewell again, there might be value in it and there would certainly be emotion in it.

Shadowlands does not merit any more viewings. 

But was it cathartic?

Probably not.

I believe it was when I was writing about Thunderbolts* and its emotional effect on me that I got a little hung up.

I was simply trying to write a sentence about how it wasn't exactly catharsis but -- instead of saying what "it" was -- I got hung up on the concept of "catharsis". 

I thought I had read once that catharsis was a myth, but people say things like that about many concepts. Often the concept is still useful.

I also recall Alice Sebold being frustrated when people would tell her how writing The Lovely Bones must have been cathartic for her regarding her own rape. No, that was not how she felt about it. 

So, even when we use the word (whether in noun or adjective form), we might be getting it wrong. 

Probably one good rule of thumb is to not reference other people's trauma just to sound smart.   

As concept, "catharsis" has medical, psychological, and dramatic constructions, and even multiple meanings within those categories.

For example, from a therapy standpoint, there is disagreement about whether catharsis for getting anger out helps to dispel or to reinforce anger.

I had not thought about anger so much. My idea of catharsis was that something brings out the sadness so you cry and feel better. 

The word "purge" is sometimes used. 

A lot of it is predicated on it being common behavior for people to repress or ignore their pain and problems. 

That totally happens. Then catharsis is supposed to be bringing it out into the open so it can heal. 

There are questions about whether something setting off that grief for pain is effective too. In fact, some of the theatrical disagreement is that if the play gives the audience catharsis then they are not motivated to change things. That can make the art a total failure, relegating it to bourgeois pap. 

Okay, that was mainly Brecht.

Allow me to add that right now I am reading a book called The Myth Of Closure. One thing it argues is that the pursuit of closure can prevent growth, especially if we are waiting for it to act.

I am leaning toward agreeing with that. "Closure" sounds more final than anything in my experience.

For a long time I would find movies bringing out a disproportionate amount of tears, but that never brought significant relief.

For one source of the tears, I first became aware of it around 2003, but the next real leap forward in understanding and coming to grips with it happened in 2018. I may be a slow learner, but there were a lot of experiences and reflections and things along the way. 

What I learned in 2003 was important and did make a difference, but there was a limit to how much I understood about it then. Now I understand it better, but there is still a limit to how much I have been able to put it into practice.

I do remember being afraid that at one point there would be an insight that would incapacitate me emotionally, where I would only be able to cry for three days. When the next big realization came, it was fine, and even anticlimactic. 

I believe that was because of many tears -- working out the emotion -- and many insights -- working out the understanding -- along the way. When everything finally came together it did so easily, if you don't count all the years that went into it.

Hearts and heads are not always (maybe not even often) in sync. 

There can be great peace in them coming together. 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/10/all-better.html  

Three times

Dealing with my mother's impending death has me remembering two other things times when the possibility was right there.

I don't talk about the first one a lot. My mother was dropping me off at the train. 

At this point, she was still doing pretty well. We were still a couple of years away from her getting lost or losing any existing memories. However, it was getting darker, and the cars around us looked fast with glaring lights. I had this terrible thought that it was not safe to let her drive back to the house by herself. 

It was a short distance, though one she would get lost from, maybe two years later. It should have been fine, but an inner voice was screaming at me to not let it happen. I had her drive back home with me. Once she was in the house I ran to the bus stop. I was a little late, but I knew it was the right thing.

It felt like a real possibility that there would have been a crash, not necessarily even dementia-related, and that I would have lost her.

It was my birthday, and I had been fighting with my sisters. That would have been terrible timing. 

Possibly some of the financial losses and burnout that have happened over the years would not have happened, at least not in the same way, but I think the responsibility I would have felt and that my siblings would have possibly felt toward me... it's hard to believe that would have been a better outcome. 

Some good things that did happen would have been missed as well.

The second thing happened a few years later when I was already her caregiver. A few months ahead, I started feeling like she would die in October.

Intellectually I thought that would probably be okay; we would miss some of the heartbreaks that come with the progression of dementia. 

As we got closer, I felt like it was too soon and would hurt too much. I started praying -- begging -- that she wouldn't leave us yet. 

Obviously, she didn't. I could just have been wrong, but my feelings were that we had been getting close and gotten a reprieve, for which I was grateful. 

Once again there were hard times that followed, along with good times too.

I have wondered if there was a purpose in going through those emotions, like maybe she was supposed to stay longer all along, but I needed to have a different perspective on it. 

Maybe all of that was in my head.

Regardless, now it is not just my feelings; medical staff have told us that she has entered end of life.

At this point, the good times are very limited. When I visit her and I talk or sing or hold her hand, I feel love for her and that is not a bad thing, but it's not great.

Intellectually, this should be fine, more so than at any time previous.

Emotionally, there is still this internal cry of "Don't leave!"

I am not praying for that. I think this really is getting to the point where it is the best thing. 

I also don't know that it is possible to be emotionally ready and welcome it. There might be relief after it has happened, but I am not feeling it now. As much as this has hurt all along, anticipating the end hurts and I am sure the end itself will hurt.

Which I guess is my long way of saying that our hearts and heads are not always caught up.

I think the other important thing to note is that life is hard, but I believe it is worth it. 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/10/this-is-sadness.html  

Songs squeezed in between things

As previously mentioned, last year I went longer than usual for Hispanic Heritage Month songs and did not really do songs themed on Native American Heritage Month:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/12/daily-songs-for-hispanic-heritage-month.html 

I thought this year could be the reverse of that, but then we also had vacations where I was not able to post, and let's not forget that there is Halloween in October.

Finishing up going back through the start of the Billboard Hot lists put me at about October 15th, the official end of Hispanic Heritage Month.

The other interesting factor is that last year in Indian Country Today, Miles Morriseau posted songs by Indigenous artists that could be good for Halloween. I held onto it for a year, but the plan was to end October 2025 with that, and then with November's usual 30 songs by Native American artists, that would kind of even things up.

https://ictnews.org/news/indigenous-halloween-playlist-witches-devils-and-a-voodoo-queen/ 

Of course, then I did not post songs for October 19th through 22nd, so Morrisseau's Halloween song choices ended on November 4th. 

I am really having to embrace mess this year.

Anyway, this is how things went down from October 15th through November 4th" 

I really like the idea of Halloween caroling. I think it could be a lot of fun, and probably a good set would be three songs. This is my tentative list, though "Sweet Vampires" may not be completely family-friendly.

10/15 “The Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett
10/16 “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon
10/17 “Sweet Vampires” by Alkaline Trio

Speaking of Halloween and Disneyland, I thought I would see what the Cadaver Dans and the Downtown Disney SCARE-olers sing. It is not surprising that they use "Monster Mash" and "This is Halloween", as well as "Grim Grinning Ghosts. The Cadaver Dans apparently also do "Happy Trails", and since most of those performances seem to happen in Frontierland, that makes sense.

That didn't necessarily change my caroling picks, but I did throw "Grim Grinning Ghosts" into the daily songs list on our departure date, as well as “Recuérdame” from Coco, though you could argue that song should have been for November 2nd.

10/18 “Grim Grinning Ghosts” by The Mellomen

--vacation--

10/23 “Recuérdame” by Carlos Rivera

Plus, there were at least two songs from artists that I listened to in the months in question, that have made my regular Halloween playlists. Well, there were two:

10/24 “La Vampiresa” by Los Tigrillos
10/25 “Zombie Love” by Lightning Cloud

Finally, I finished with the suggestions from ICT, with some familiar names and some less so.  

10/26 “Witch Queen of New Orleans” by Redbone
10/27 “Showdown at Big Sky” by Robbie Robertson
10/28 “Devil Came Down on Sunday” by Derek Miller
10/29 “Evil” by Crystal Shawanda
10/30 “Monsters” by Kristi Lane Sinclair
10/31 “Jack the Ripper” by Link Wray
11/1 “Fox” by Beatrice Deer
11/2 “Eyes of a Stranger” by Breach of Trust
11/3 “Hoodoo Lady” by Blue Moon Marquee
11/4 “PBC” by Halluci Nation

I hope you enjoyed your Halloween. 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/10/halloween-playlists.html  

Arrogance and harm

When I said I was still angry about The End of Alzheimer's, it was a combination of putting a big burden on people, but only offering for false hope. 

I'd already had a similar experience. It was more personal, but the lie was dispelled pretty quickly. It could have been worse.

It was the bad doctor friend. She has come up a few times before, but this was when we were still going on walks together.

When we were talking about my issues instead of her issues (which was not very often), dementia would come up a lot. She started talking about how it could be fixed with coconut oil and she wished she could take charge of a memory care facility, start giving it to the residents, and watch everyone be amazed by their improvement.

I was pretty sure she was full of it, but there was some desperation that made me ask for specifics. 

I don't think I did it on that walk, when she was bragging, but on the next one after mulling it over. If she was so sure, what amounts would she use? Were there any studies or guides that I could read?

Part of my skepticism was probably that I had seen coconut oil listed as a miracle cure for other things, like apple cider vinegar or essential oils. I didn't think it was likely, but if there was a chance I was going to try it.

When pressed, all of the confidence faded away. Then she was shrugging and mumbling and there was absolutely no reason to place her at the head of a memory care facility.

I bet it would not really have been possible to mend her daughter's cavities with a mineral oil rinse. 

It was disappointing, but I was at least partially prepared for the disappointment. Later when I realized that she was not really that supportive shortly after she turned abusive... I did not end up being devastated at the loss.

More recently I saw a forum post where a man who recently learned his mother has Stage IV cancer was wondering about Ivermectin. He knew it was a long shot, but was hoping.

That's an anti-parasite medication, so probably not.

Based on the grammar and other factors, he did not come across as a particularly bright person. It also came through that the thought of losing his mother was really hurting him.

Mentioning that particular medication makes it likely that he is a Trump voter. That would go along with the other indicators that he is not bright.

He also still has feelings. I don't know how much harm he actively wishes on liberals and people of color, but he would want health for this mother. I can relate to that.

Unscrupulous people have done many things to lower the possibility of good health outcomes for many people, including his mother. 

That's not just turning people away from vaccines and toward specific medications that would not work for the intended goals. That also has to do with funding and education... there is a long list of issues there.

I am just thinking about how some of the drivers know what they are doing, while some will take a little bit of hearsay and run with it until they have to back it up. They never learn any humility from brushing up against their wrongness. 

Different motivations; same results. 

Books about dementia

Some time ago I started a reading list that I called "Death, Dementia, and Being a Mess".

I've referenced my issues with "mission creep" before. 

As it is, I haven't read anything new about dementia or death for a while, though there has been a resurgence in dealing with those issues this year. Figuring out being a mess is a whole separate issue, though I think some of my reading relating to trauma, daughters, and adoption will go with that.

(Just for clarification, I am not adopted, but works on that cover some related issues.)

Anyway, if you end up having to deal with the dementia of a loved one, here are some books that you may find helpful, as well as a couple that might sound helpful but really aren't.

Practical books for caregivers

The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People with Alzheimer Disease, Other Dementias, and Memory Loss in Later Life by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins

This is the most complete of the books, which can make it pretty overwhelming. It is also really well-organized, so you can focus on the relevant sections as you need them.

Help is Here: When Someone You Love Has Dementia by Marian O. Hodges and Anne P. Hill 

Also very thorough with good advice. A lot of caregiver programs will recommend this one.

Living with Mild Cognitive Impairment (Anderson, Murphy, and Troyer)  

This one is not quite as strong as the other two, but can still be helpful.  

More on the emotional side 

Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief by Pauline G. Boss
Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping with Stress and Grief by Pauline G. Boss

Pauline Boss is the boss of unresolved grief, which comes up a lot with dementia. 

If I recall correctly, the field started for families of POWs and MIA soldiers, where there was loss but not with the finality that can be a signal for healing. 

We have been losing parts of our mother for over twelve years. That's been a lot of pain. Even as we get closer to our own finality, there are just a lot of terrible feelings. You can't fix it, but you can understand it better.

Actually, I just found that she has a new one out that I need to read.

There are always new developments. 

Getting a new perspective 

The Myth of Alzheimer's: What You Aren't Being Told About Today's Most Dreaded Diagnosis by Peter J. Whitehouse and Daniel George

This sounds like a conspiracy theory book, but that's a different one. 

It does examine some traditional ways of thinking that were outdated or not well thought out, but it might be outdated. I mainly remember getting a new perspective on amyloid plaques, but the general knowledge may have caught up by now.

The Gift of Alzheimer's: New Insights into the Potential of Alzheimer's and Its Care by Maggie LaTourelle

There is a nice idea here, but it tries to be more profound than it is. 

LaTourelle felt that some of her mother's sayings that didn't make sense might indicate a  more profound understanding, like what could a "broken modality" mean, when modalities aren't things that get broken?

Regardless, I think it is worth lovingly listening to what your loved one is saying. My mother told many stories about children that never existed and her helping them with their problems. Maybe she was working through anxieties she'd had about motherhood and her parenting; I know that had been a constant worry for her.

I think there will be a time when more of this will make sense, and maybe it won't seem so cruel. 

You don't need this book for that.

Children's books

Grandpa Green by Lane Smith, 
Grandpa's Music: A Story About Alzheimer's by Allison Acheson, illustrated by Bill Farnsworth

You probably have no idea how many children's books about Alzheimer's there are. These are both pretty good, including honoring the capabilities the grandparent had and helping children to understand in an age appropriate manner. 

I'm still angry about this one 

The End of Alzheimer's: The First Program to Prevent and Reverse Cognitive Decline by Dale E. Bredesen

This gives you thirty-six different areas to work on so that you don't need to have Alzheimer's, even though it admits that a lot of them aren't backed up by science. It would be almost impossible to do all of them perfectly and you will buy lots of supplements. The real moral of the story is to knock yourself out trying, then you will still fail but it will be your fault.

I was going to check and see if he has been appointed to anything by Trump, but NIH still has a page that's kind of critical of him, so maybe not:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7377549/ 

Related posts: 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/04/reading-for-brain.html

When your parent has dementia

Of course, it could be a sibling or grandparent or spouse, friend... lots of things that can hurt. 

The lens I know is that of a daughter watching it happen with her mother. There was an aunt in Italy, but we only visited once during that, and it's just different. Nonetheless, when I send updates to my cousins, I know her son feels them differently than the others. 

The older ones also remember seeing it with their grandmother, but that's different too, even if there are things that overlap.

Also, while there are different types of dementia with different effects, the diagnoses are not always exact. My mother probably has Alzheimer's combined with some vascular dementia. 

The estimate is that one in three adults will develop dementia. 

That worked out exactly for my mother's family. Of the six who lived to adulthood, two of them got it.

That can raise chilling thoughts of your own susceptibility. I do think about that sometimes, but just dealing with Mom's is kind of all-encompassing.

This can also be an area where having family discussions are important, but perhaps not the whole family. A parent may be in denial, and the children need to talk together.

Denial can work in different ways, though. A common issue among siblings is that some will recognize the change and others will refuse to. It is usually the one who is closer and sees the parent more often who comes to terms with it first, but it's not just a matter of what you notice.

First of all, there are different stages, some of which can be quite subtle. Different people don't necessarily go through them in the same order. In addition those changes can be abrupt.

Some different stages we passed through were intact memories but unable to enter new things into short-term memory, able to stay on track if notes were left and meals were prepped, getting very weepy when left alone (I think because without memory working correctly, absence felt more permanent), constantly trying to get home (from home), and cheerfully telling long stories about things that never happened. 

This year has seen the loss of coherent speech. 

One thing that is important to remember is that it is not just memory. The hippocampus starts failing at processing new information, so it doesn't get forgotten as much as never entered into memory.

Some symptoms are more noticeable than others. That can make the denial easier, but so much of it is emotional. 

It really hurts when your parent no longer recognizes you, or is trying to get away from you so they can go to their children.

You are not going to be able to do what you need to do if you don't face it. It is so common for people to wander off, and they don't always get found.

I can give practical advice, like the importance of respite care when you are caregiving. Breakdowns and burnout are very real. A breakdown can be fixed fairly easily, but should still be avoided. Burnout lingers a long time.

I recently advised someone with some concerns to have her husband take a MOCA test. (Don't let the president give it a bad name.) If the test doesn't show anything it will be a relief, but if it does show something they can plan. There are medications that can slow the progress and that is worth a lot.

However, going along with this week's theme, there is a lot that you can't control. What ends up being the most important preparation is the person that you are.

How do you handle adversity?

How is your patience?

How personally do you take things that aren't really personal?

Those aren't easy questions, but good responses are useful under many different circumstances.