Songs of grief: February Daily Songs

Hey, my mother is still alive!

That's not bad news, but having a month of songs that were primarily about her and then a month of songs intended to be about grief, so whenever it happened I would be ready...

That didn't work out.

To be fair, grief songs didn't work out the way I thought either.

I love the collection of January songs and I know I will listen to that playlist again.

For February, there are some songs I really like, and some that are okay, but there is not the same level and connection. I did not create a playlist, whereas if I loved the way things fit together I definitely would have.

Part of the problem was that most sad songs are about romantic relationships. Also, if you get into songs about mothers, those can get weird pretty quickly.

I had a few songs in mind at the start. Some, like "Each Tear" and "The Greatest Love of All" were songs that I had thought about for January, but they got moved around. 

"Happy Birthday" I put on my sisters' birthday, with no disrespect to Martin Luther King Jr. It is a joyful song, even though it starts in a loss.

I felt like I didn't have enough songs, so I went looking and found this article:

https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/grief-loss/40-best-r-b-funeral-songs-saying-goodbye

I used a lot from there, many of which were new to me, but I rejected many too. 

I think that given recent revelations, Puff Daddy and "I'll Be Missing You" should fall out of favor.

I was using a lot of Marvin Gaye. Boyz II Men too, but especially Marvin Gaye.

That worked for me because I have a deep sadness over him. That's not just for his death, but also for Tammi Terrell's illness and death. I am glad to have them in here.

Still needing more songs, I remembered the time when I had songs by Black women and girls from February until late July, to see if I could find anything from there. 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/07/musical-black-girls.html

That's why I know about Joan Armatrading and Abbey Lincoln and more about Minnie Riperton and Mary J. Blige.

I did find more songs, and some of them do mean a lot to me, but most of them are still not really about me or my losses. 

"Dance With My Father" is far from my experience, but I read about the writing in Stories to Tell by Richard Marx, and I found that touching. Then, as Vandross was hospitalized, the video contains various people writing a get well card to him while appearing with their fathers, or pictures of their fathers, or sometimes being the father (I love seeing Damon Wayans picking up his sons). There is a lot of love and grief in that video, for fathers and for Vandross. 

It's great when there are songs that are just right, but that just isn't always going to happen.

Sometimes you keep digging, sometimes you make do, and sometimes you may need to write your own song. 

2/1 "There’ll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)" by Billy Ocean
2/2 “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men
2/3 “Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart” by Alicia Keys
2/4 “I’ll Be Seeing You” by Billie Holiday
2/5 “These Three Words” by Stevie Wonder
2/6 “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men
2/7 “Walk Around Heaven” by Patti Labelle
2/8 “If Ever You’re In My Arms Again” by Peabo Bryson
2/9 “Throw It Away” by Abbey Lincoln
2/10 “God Is Love” by Marvin Gaye
2/11 “Easier” by Kandi with Faith Evans
2/12 “Missing You” by Brandy, Tamia, Gladys Knight, and Chaka Khan
2/13 “Happy Birthday” by Stevie Wonder
2/14 “More Than One Kind of Love” by Joan Armatrading
2/15 “Wholly Holy” by Marvin Gaye
2/16 “You’re All I Need To Get By” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
2/17 “Dance With My Father” by Luther Vandross
2/18 “A Song for Mama” by Boyz II Men
2/19 “A Mother’s Prayer” by K. Michelle
2/20 “Love Me Now” by John Legend
2/21 “Memory Lane” by Minnie Riperton
2/22 “Clouds” by Chaka Khan
2/23 "Jesus Love Is Like A River" by Gladys Knight
2/24 "Plant My Feet On Higher Ground" by The Davis Sisters
2/25 “Sparrow” by Emilo Sandé
2/26 “Each Tear” by Mary J. Blige feat. Jay Sean
2/27 "No Tears (In The End) by Roberta Flack
2/28 “The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston 

Many different but true things

I spent more time on those olives than intended.

That is partly due to my fascination with tangents, but also there is some complexity. That makes it seem like a good idea to review before we move on to other things.

Cooking is a life skill that can be useful for all. It does not belong specifically to either gender, and you can find a lot of sexism in looking at attitudes about cooking.

Despite being a life skill, it is not something that is transmitted automatically. 

There are various levels of difficulty to cooking. Experience can be a great teacher, and lead to more comprehension of what will work, but finding a good entry point may not come easily.

Cooking ability is not just a matter of the basic knowledge, but also can be a matter of physical skills requiring practice. Disability can affect multiple functions.

Gadgets and convenience items exist that can bridge some of these gaps in knowledge and physical ability.

Shortcuts can have an impact on flavor and aesthetic factors, but sometimes they don't make much of a difference.

Some cooking processes take a lot of time, which can often be in short supply. There are items that can help shorten that time, but also having someone else prepare the food (and maybe deliver it) can be a real time-saver.

Dining out or ordering in is usually not a money-saver, though you can get good deals sometimes. 

People do need to eat; there is not necessarily a moral high ground in having been the one to cook.

Getting ideas and making decisions about what to eat, then getting those ingredients and preparing them, does require some executive function. Some people struggle with this more, but various circumstances can mean that sometimes you just don't have enough. Adding more pressure does not improve that situation.

There are delicious foods from every culture. There are differences, but there will be similarities too. It seems like everyone has dumplings of some kind.

Some recipes and preparations are more complicated than others, but that does not mean that all of that cuisine is similarly involved.

Sometimes what makes something seem complicated is a lack of familiarity or a lack of motivation for that particular process. 

It is generally healthier to eat more natural, less-processed foods. That may involve much more cost and effort.

Sometimes people who purchase cheap, processed foods are just trying to get by. Putting restraints on what is available may not be intended to be cruel, but may work out that way. 

In Ratatouille, Colette shows some disdain for the title food, as it is a peasant dish. 

Well, it's generally a stew, which as a single-dish, slow-cooking recipe has some convenience that appeals to busy people (shades of casseroles signalling the "dark ages of American culinary culture).

Perhaps there was a history of the dish being not respected, and that is why Remy "elevates" it into the confit byaldi version served to Anton Ego. However, if the flavors had not reminded Ego of that stew from his childhood, far away from the Michelin-starred restaurants of Paris, he would not have loved it so much.

Tastes vary. Some preferences can be cultural or habitual or have a lot of nostalgia built in, but there are also differences in how individuals react to the same substances. The most famous example of this is cilantro. 

Over the course of the last few posts (Tuesday through Thursday posts starting February 18th), I have mentioned various foods that I don't like or will not eat.

There are things that I won't eat that I will still cook for my sisters, but other foods that they must seek elsewhere. 

There are things they don't like that I make for myself, but usually when they are not around.

Also, many of the foods that I can't abide are considered very healthy. It's probably a coincidence.

This is beautiful. 

There are so many different fruits and vegetables and greens and grains and ways of cooking all of them. 

Sticking with the familiar can be comforting and it can be monotonous. Trying something new can be exciting and rewarding, or mildly disappointing, or kind of gross. 

No one else has to feel the same way you do about it.

It's seems so obvious, doesn't it? 

Except somehow people are still jerks a lot. 

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2026/03/feed-someone.html  

Food racism

You know, sometimes I also make quesadillas. You can add that to my "expertise" but I mention it more because that is one more dish that is incredibly simple and easy (especially if you microwave them).

I should note that when Gray wrote about decanting the olives, in that particular post she referred specifically to "white people tacos":

https://x.com/briebriejoy/status/2019200627641884919 

I believe the criticism of her only naming foods of brown people as "too complicated" being racist was starting to get to her. I think it was also too late for that criticism to be mitigated by adding a white person food in there, especially a white person food that was inspired by Mexican food.

Well, given her background, she would probably say it is not racism but classism, and that once you economically abolish class then racism no longer exists, but she'd be wrong about that too.

Lots of ways to be wrong.

Still, I think there are some things worth exploring. 

In the post, she says that her mother described it as an easy meal, whereas Gray herself finds it unnecessarily complicated.

People can have different perceptions. As Gray is blaming her issue with these cuisines on executive function, maybe her mother has a higher level of executive function. Gray also mentions cleanup requirements as part of what makes it too complicated. While cleanup could be simplified, taking cleanup in mind is completely valid.

The funny thing is that this post was done quote-tweeting a different user, @PinstripeBungle who had not replied to or quote-tweeted her. He is clearly responding to the discourse, and lists tacos and Thai curry as very easy, so it is relevant. He probably had Gray's posts in mind -- maybe along with others -- but he did not name her. As she has 24 times the followers he does, it's interesting that she saw it and responded.

The other thing that is kind of interesting is that the post that started it all about the sesame noodles had nothing to do with executive function. It exaggerated the expenditure and convenience of trying something new, but those are separate issues.

This is the grace that I will give Gray: if you struggle with executive function and are just starting to cook, learning new cuisine is probably going to be harder. The familiar may be a better starting place.

However, if you don't have anything you are already used to cooking, there are many easy Asian and Mexican dishes and techniques that might be more satisfying than salmon in butter with salt and pepper (and also less expensive).

I think there is a combination of two things here.

1. Gray wants to brag about knowing French cooking, as well, perhaps, as being able to cook simple healthy meals with the knowledge to teach others even though she has executive function. You know what? It's okay to like your accomplishments and want to share them, except...
2. Gray has also bought in to the thinking where foods that are not from the European tradition are lower class. There is a disdain there that has racist origins.

It's important to note that a Black woman can buy into racism. 

Usually I am as much "listen to Black women" as anyone, because at the intersection of multiple marginalizations they often have a greater awareness of how various issues play out. 

Gray's parents taught in international schools where she experienced different cultures and she graduated from Harvard Law School. If a somewhat privileged upbringing made it easier for her to ignore some things, that is exactly how privilege works. 

The real problem is not that she prefers French cooking techniques or that she made racist comments without intending to do so.

The real problem is that for each opportunity she was given to reflect and learn and do better, she just kept doubling down.

Of course she's a leftist!

I know I pick on leftists a lot, and I shall continue to do so (though I hope you will notice me giving Gray the points that I can).  

One thing I am going to add to it in this post is not acknowledging one's part in the current whole.

Food discourse has included many comments about white people not seasoning their food, with mayonnaise being a part of some white people getting very offended.

Of course, you do not have to identify with whiteness in this way. You can embrace other cuisines. You can embrace your cultural heritage in the form of the Italian food of your grandparents or the hot dishes of the place you come from.

Or, you can try and find a way to reassert the supremacy of whiteness. 

Lately, I am seeing more of this: 

https://x.com/AniseNot/status/1754181222341705874 

The myth that white people food doesn’t taste good or lacks seasoning is a massive cope When your ingredients are fresh & superior in taste & texture you don’t need to mask it with braising or spices

Mexican food and olives

Without intending to, I am embarking on another tangent.

One friend replied to a previous post that Mexican food doesn't have olives. I was inclined to agree; maybe we learned that from Taco Bell.

Then I started to wonder.

For some background on me, I am not in any way an expert on Mexican food. 

Avocados repulse me, ruling out guacamole, and the only kind of legumes I can tolerate is green beans, where you are eating the case, not the seed. Removing the beans and the guacamole from Mexican food takes away a lot of options.

The closest I regularly come to Mexican cooking myself is an enchilada recipe that does not use a red sauce (there is sour cream, and it is even a taco spice packet rather than enchilada) and then sometimes I will make nacho toppings, but I am more likely to put them on tater tots, so they are "tot-chos."

Not very authentic, and I use sliced olives for both of those. (Olives are also my favorite pizza topping, right up there with sausage.)

There were so many people saying so many things about food that I started to wonder about the olives.

Maybe that was partly because of Michael Genhart.

I know, that doesn't sound Mexican.

One of the Pura Belpré 2022 Honors books was May Your Life Be Deliciosa by Genhart, illustrated by Loris Lora.

It is about the tamaladas of his mother's childhood, with her grandmother teaching them how to make the tamales and folding in her love for them.

I happened to read it shortly before we were going to have a friend over for a tamale dinner. 

That's not another recipe; I buy the bag from Costco and either steam or microwave them, depending on how many I am making. 

I love children's books that are expressions of love and encouragement: Little You by Richard Van Camp, I'll Love You Till the Cows Come Home by Kathryn Cristaldi... here was another one, and timely to boot.

I read the book to my sisters and friend after dinner. I believe they started out as "What is this weirdo doing now?" and ended up surprisingly touched.

Anyway, Abuela puts an olive inside each tamale. I did not put olives into the tamales, but I had them on the table.

Still, I think that family was in California. 

All right, let's do some searching.

I saw various things, attributing it to more Baja California or Veracruz, with some votes for not so much Mexican as Cuban, plus more in the Caribbean in general.

There was also this Reddit discussion: 

https://www.reddit.com/r/mexicanfood/comments/hwpnqw/how_does_the_community_feel_about_olives_in/ 

One thing I find interesting about that is that while Veracruz is on the East Coast, so might be more open to Caribbean influence, Baja California is not. However, it is adjacent to Alta California, where they are more likely to use olives and go to Taco Bell.

It also reminds me of some posts I have seen about getting good Mexican food. 

I don't think that was related to the food discourse I have been building on; which areas have good food is a common argument, with people on the side of California and New York and Colorado and California again, but not in restaurants, under tents. (I have seen those tents.)

One thing that was more interesting to me recently was someone saying that the complaints that Tex-Mex is just adulterated Mexican food are wrong; it's its own thing.

That resonated with me because my sisters have not been able to find a replacement for Chevy's. They have Mexican restaurants they like, but they don't satisfy the Chevy's itch.

This time someone pointed out that New Mexico is also its own thing, not merely because of the green chili peppers, but they're a factor.

When I was writing about Asia years ago -- that it was a large area with different terrains and resources and cultures -- is also true of Mexico. That is especially true if we include California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and Florida. There are going to be different kinds of food.

Within that, there are different tastes. My sisters love bean burritos and hummus (not together); that disgusts me, but that's okay. They should be able to have food they like.

Again, I find these topics so interesting -- possibly more interesting than my readers do, sorry -- because there is so much variety. The more you look, the more you find.

You can have these amazing, interesting discussions, or you can be quick to tell someone how wrong they are.

That unfortunate tendency is going to keep coming back. 

More Black History Month reading

I could easily write about more children's books, but I thought it might be better to catch up on some of the grown-up books I have been reading. There are overlaps.

I had mentioned Marley Dias with her #1000BlackGirlBooks drive and the book she wrote. I came to that through A Centennial Celebration of The Brownies' Book.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2026/02/more-literature-centered-on-black.html 

Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson 

This is one of the books Dias mentions. In fact, I had read it in April.

It had a huge impact on Dias, but not the first time she read it. She thought maybe she had grown into it when she picked it up again. 

I suspect it may be that you need to read it twice. There is a lot of atmosphere and mood with it; maybe you need to go through one time to get the feel of it and then you can absorb it.

But, Dias also did age between readings, which can affect readiness and perception.

The Enduring Legacy of Portland's Black Panthers: The Roots of Free Healthcare, Free Breakfast, and Neighborhood Control in Oregon by Joe Biel

The Black Panther Party: A Graphic Novel History by David F. Walker and Marcus Kwame Anderson

It had been about ten years since my last round of reading on the Black Panther party. 

I had purchased Biel's book when it first came out, but not gotten around to reading it. Then I saw a movie about Kent Ford, who gives Portland tours, and is featured in the book. There was also a library summer reading challenge where one of the categories was a book set in Oregon. I figured it was time to read it. Enduring Legacy was okay, and led me directly to the graphic novel, which was excellent.

Biel's sub-title is really long, but free healthcare and breakfast are only going to get more important. The Black Panthers did some great things and we should think about what we can do through similar efforts.

Watch Me Fly: What I Learned on the Way to Becoming the Woman I Was Meant to Be by Myrlie Evers-Williams

That is an amazing life right there. Evers-Williams tells her story with a lot of insight, some of it about functioning in the business world, and probably considerably more realistically than Lean In.

Balthazar: A Black African King in Medieval and Renaissance Art edited by Kristen Collins and Bryan C. Keene 

I don't remember what searches led to this one coming up in my results, but I had to read it because I still miss when medievalpoc was active.

Obviously the subject was Balthazar of the three kings. While the idea is interesting, the various essays strung together repeat. Maybe that is on the editors. I don't regret reading it, but there is unfulfilled potential.

There was a worse book yet.

Acting White: The Curious History of a Racial Slur by Ron Christie 

Christie's problem is that he is a Black Republican who keeps getting offended when that gets criticized, connecting it to how he used to be mocked (and told he was "acting white") for doing well in school.

I don't doubt that there would have been some mocking; that can happen to nerds. It is also common to hear of academically inclined Black youth being supported in their communities and steered away from trouble. Maybe no one liked him. That would be hard, especially if it wasn't his fault. 

He does not come off as particularly likable. 

However, after writing this book in 2010 and then Blackwards: How Black Leadership Is Returning America to the Days of Separate but Equal in 2012 (maybe he meant Michael Steele, because he was critical of him around that time) I wonder if he has started to find any issues in white supremacy. 

Decanting the olives

That day's food discourse started with a report showing that spending on food from food service had increased as sales of food purchased from stores had decreased, and people trying to explain that.

https://x.com/SPnoir/status/2018456699313734091 

Just looking at the data, it's not as dramatic a difference as you might expect; I can't help wondering how much of it is delivery fees. The lines cross right around 2020 when a lot of people started ordering in more and that has remained popular.

Regardless, people start replying about the wasting of money. On Mike Bird's post, someone with username "TheWealthCoach" admonishes that people learn to cook, and a rjurney below him replies "You can read his class within his response. He’s got time to be thrifty. He’s affluent."

(Because of how the replies are threaded, there is not a good link for that.)

Then, what really started the discussion I saw was this response from SPnoir:

I wanted to make sesame noodles with cucumber last week. Had to buy sesame oil, chili oil, sesame seeds, rice vinegar... let me know if you have these handy in your cupboard. That's not even getting to the main ingredients.

There were replies from many people who had those in their cupboards, and also that those are all reusable. 

There were also some replies that there were swaps you could do, like that you could probably use any vinegar if you did not specifically have rice vinegar, and sesame seeds are more of a garnish, so you could probably skip them.

That brings us back to my earlier Worcestershire sauce example. The initial outlay can be expensive, but then the use per meal ends up being very inexpensive. If you bought a jar of nutmeg every time you were going to use it, that would add up (and is a good reason to check your cupboards first).

As you are getting into cooking, by all means take your time and build up gradually. You can look up recipes that use ingredients you already have.

Then BrieBrieJoy entered the chat.

Briahna Joy Gray was the press secretary for Bernie Sanders and now hosts the Bad Faith podcast. It's not the first time she has made anyone roll her eyes. 

https://x.com/briebriejoy/status/2019074357125853529 

She agreed with SPnoir, because people don't have these ingredients and they are overwhelmed. If you want to help people cook, you should focus on single ingredients that taste good with salt, pepper, butter, and olive oil, because everybody has those.

There is a lot you can do with those four ingredients, I am not going to lie. I am also currently out of butter (which I regularly restock) and olive oil, which I have gotten out of using.

Things start to fall apart in Gray's replies to ashley_quan, who points out that the sesame noodle ingredients are Asian staples and that if you are going to make the dish even once a month having them is not unreasonable.

This would have been a really easy time to acknowledge that different pantries have different ingredients, and that every culture has simpler and easier recipes, even if you personally are not familiar with them.

This is someone who worked for Sanders; she was never going to be able to admit she was wrong.

It devolves and then there are different threads, where I can't capture them all. 

Gray uses executive function as a reason that it is just too hard to make Asian or Mexican food, where it is much easier to do French cooking instead.

While that is questionable, familiarity is a real factor. If she is used to French cooking, then something a little more complicated might still seem more manageable than a simple stir fry.

However, when you say that sauteing vegetables doesn't sound very Chinese, that just makes you seem ignorant.   

What you will see in the link is Gray suggesting adobo as being easier, except that it could easily fit within the Asian cooking that she was decrying. It's traditionally Filipino but I got my adobo recipe out of a Hawaiian cookbook, which also had a strong Japanese influence so bring back the rice vinegar!

Also, to ashley_quan's reply that chicken adobo has eight ingredients, Gray replied with a photo of a seasoning mix from famous Trump supporters Goya.

Yes, I have bought jars of sauce and shakers and packets of seasonings, but willingness to do that is one of those things that puts cooking different types of food within reach. 

My favorite part came when she tried to explain how Mexican food is too complicated, like decanting the olives for making tacos: 

https://x.com/briebriejoy/status/2019200627641884919 

I was not the only one who got hung up on that. There were so many replies and new threads that I am surprised that no one has written it up, for clickbait if nothing else. I couldn't find anything, so I guess it's me.

Decanting is a process for removing sediment. It happens most often with wine, and sometimes with olive oil. I  did some searching for olives themselves, and there was one person asking about it because when they open olives and don't eat them all within two weeks they start to see mold. 

At the risk of sounding like a snob, don't let opened olives sit around for two weeks. If you do and they start molding, let them go.

I believe there is racism here, and that is not surprising. This post is really more reveling in the ridiculousness of it, so I guess I will get more serious next week. 

For now, every time I open a can of olives and hold the detached lid on while I turn the can upside down over the sink to drain the liquid...

I'm decanting them y'all! 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/01/asian-food.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/01/baby-corn.html 

Ableism in cooking discourse

Just to preview, the conversation that inspired this series of posts touched on ableism, classism, and racism... pretty normal.

Ableism is probably the -ism that comes up the most in cooking discourse, with some very legitimate points and some points that stretch credibility more.

Still sadly normal.

A big part of why it all happens is that aspect of dominator culture where there are always people who are eager to demonstrate their superiority and look down on others.

This frequently comes up with convenience items; someone will deride the laziness or incompetence of something like a tool for cracking eggs or packages of fruit that is already cut up.

The inspiration often comes because there are people who do not have the full use of their hands, or there is limited mobility in some other way. Someone will imagine people with unhampered physical abilities using it and question "How lazy do you have to be?"

One of the things I loved about the latest Knives Out movie, Wake Up Dead Man, is when Simone stands up and Martha exclaims about the miracle but Simone stops her: "I can walk; it just hurts."

It's not just that it is easy to not think about disability, but that when we do we often think of it very narrowly, getting mad if it inconveniences other or if it doesn't inconvenience the person with the disability enough.

(Or enjoying it when the disability works to enforce racism. Lots of ways to be wrong.)

The truth is, for there to be a profit, it often requires that lots of people who don't need the convenience will still want it. Maybe there is some "laziness" there. I do worry about packaging waste, but I worry more about us getting these ideas that people don't deserve food or that they need to suffer to eat well... I don't think that should be true.

When you realize that things you take for granted can be very difficult for others, appropriate responses are gratitude for those abilities, humility in knowing that having those abilities is generally independent of merit, and empathy for those who do not have those same options, ideally without any condescension.

The other way ability tends to come up relates to executive function.

This is not so much about having the motor skills and knowledge to be able to cook, but about being able to make a decision about what to eat based on what you have in the house, then follow through. That can also include regularly bringing in supplies of ingredients that you can use.

Just as mobility issues can fluctuate -- sometimes being more or less difficult -- executive function can as well. 

I have had days where the thought of trying to come up with dinner made me want to cry. That's not common for me, but when you have enough other things going on, one additional thing can put you over the edge.

I think the important thing to remember (before we get to someone whom I am going to be judging pretty hard) is that there can be lots of differences and nuances. 

Yes, absolutely there are times when people are capable of doing more than they do. 

People can also be capable most of the time but not sometimes. 

People can be capable, but not want to.

People might have the ability, but not the knowledge or the motivation to get the knowledge. They might not seem to need it, like if they have someone else who cooks or they have a budget that allows frequent ordering out.

Because people need to regularly eat and things like the availability of that budget for ordering out or that other person who does the cooking might change, there can be really good reasons for having some supplies and some knowledge on how to use them (I am still very interested in preparedness and planning), but not everything needs to be a contest or a moral judgment.

If we care about each other, we should want there to be lots of options available, and be willing to help as we can.  

That's not too much to ask.