One part in my letter to
my brother and sisters was specifically about preparing for life. The
neurologist, while acknowledging that diet and exercise can be helpful for our
mother now, stressed that your level of cardiovascular fitness during middle
age is more important. I shared that with them, and at least two are taking it
to heart.
In a way, all of it is
preparing for life; we will need to deal with these things because we will
continue living. Our flaws will get in the way, and some of our strengths will
help, though conflicting strengths could get in the way too. People can be so
complicated.
That's why I want to talk
about Charley and Nova, as portrayed by Dawn-Lyen Gardner and Rutina Wesley.
I have great compassion
for Charley, but it is kind of an older, backward-looking compassion. It was
painful watching her freak out when the machinery jammed, falling apart as she
tried to clear it manually. It was a testament to how tightly wound she is too.
Many people have acknowledged her need for perfection, thus her need for
control, but it being on the table did not fix it right then.
The things I have liked
about her the least have always been about her trying to stay in control of
situations, but I also can't blame her. When you believe that everything has to
be perfect and look perfect and that it's on you, how can you believe the
people telling you that the jam is normal and temporary and not a big deal?
Everything is a big deal!
It warmed my heart to see
her wearing her hair a little more naturally in the most recent episode. That
is a believable touch; not a huge change, pretty much an experiment, but still
a slight letting go. I care about her character for all of that.
I am also past it. There
are so many things that I have already let go in the name of openness, and I
don't miss any appearances. She will still be strong and smart even when she no
longer worries about perfection. She could even be more effective. She will
certainly be happier. I want that for her, but I probably have more to learn
from Nova.
I have been amazed at
Nova's ability to help others. That has included her facility with the cards
when Ernest was in the hospital and couldn't speak. She helped him communicate,
and she sprung into it seamlessly. She is there for teenager prisoners and old
ladies with health problems but no cars and new mothers and nephews. She is so
good at it.
She also is kind of bad
at relationships, and pulled $10,000 from the farm's account without giving
anyone a heads up.
I understood her
desperation to get Too Sweet out, and I have at times done something without
asking because the answer was likely to be "no", but I could not have
done that.
I've wondered if she
could have asked Charley for the money. When Charley found out, Nova said she
would get it back, and that should be true with a bail bond. Charley might have
agreed, but it is hard to imagine Nova asking, thus allowing the possibility of
"no". Is Charley the only control freak? Or is it not exactly that with
Nova?
At first I thought maybe
Nova's sense of responsibility to a greater cause made her not good at a
personal life. Things I have heard about Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt and
Cesar Chavez made that seem like a real possibility.
If that were true,
Chantal could have been a good match. They are both totally committed to
causes, and initially it was fun. However, even at the very start when they
were only agreeing to a phone call, my instinct was that it could never work,
because Chantal was so pushy. It imposes a level of constriction that was never
going to work.
Maybe Nova is better off
being unattached, but Robert keeps popping back up. Is there room in her life
for a relationship? If she would have to give up some of her pursuits for a
relationship, would the relationship be worth it? And certainly giving up who
she is as a person wouldn't be worth it, though giving up some of her service
might be, except how much of her identity is made up of her service? I think
she was more passionate with Gavin, but there were many more obstacles; can
Robert be enough?
I relate to those
questions. There are some that I haven't really had to answer before, and I
probably can't answer now, but I still need the answers. I need to know myself
well enough to answer honestly.
So while I in no way have
the physical confidence of Nova (or those biceps!), she is the one I relate to
best. She may be the one who can teach me the most.
Last week I wrote about
how art helps (and hurts), and that's really what this week has been about too.
I have been studying and learning and growing, but sometimes I need a new
perspective, and that can come through art. Stopping and processing it every
now and then is necessary.
I think I have written
enough about Queen Sugar now. There
are still many scenes and moments that have mattered. They may come out at
other times, but I don't know. Many things come in, and not everything
automatically goes out. Next week I may be back to writing about my insides, or
the outside world might intrude. Things happen.
Two band reviews, one
travel post, and one provident living post before I find out.
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