Inspired by The Office

One thing that I began to notice on the cruise was that I am really remarkably average. I had always assumed I was inferior, except for my brain, but most of the things that have caused me to worry about fitting in are pretty commonplace. Whether or not that bodes well for the nation is a separate topic.

Regardless, there are still some things about me that are fairly odd, and here are some:

I cannot remember the rules to any card game beyond the durations of the game. I have played Hearts and Poker and Uno and Go Fish, but I could not teach them to anyone, or play them right now without a brief refresher. (Well, okay, I remember how to play 52 Pickup.)

I am right-handed, but I hold my pen like a left-handed person does. This may account for my poor handwriting, but this hardly matters in the computer age because I type well.

Finally, I have a fanatical obsession with bear safety. When someone mentions bears, I am likely to launch into a short lecture on it with no other provocation. I get this feeling in my stomach. It is sort of a hybrid of panic and indignation. People need to know what to do about bears!

I guess it started when I first read the Worst Case Scenario handbook, and then I saw a television special about random hiking camping problems that included but was not limited to bear attacks. In the special, one of the hikers had thrown his pack at the bear to distract it, only the bear was not distracted and took a swipe at his retreating figure. Since the backpack was no longer there as a buffer, he got tore up a bit. He lived, though, so it still could have been worse.

The problem was that conventional wisdom was wrong. The first response that a lot of people will give if you ask them what to do is to play dead. I suppose the reason that started is that most of the time the bear will not be that interested, and so will leave you alone anyway. However, if you have one of those rare aggressive bears, lying down with your eyes closed is not a great defensive position. Other common responses are throw your pack at it, which has its own risks as previously mentioned, or climbing a tree. Bears climb trees.

So, there were ideas out there that were wrong and deeply rooted, but I felt that it was silly of me to get so worked up over it. After all, how common is it to run into a bear? Except, the first two times I launched into the lectures, everyone had a bear encounter story, so that just reinforced it during the critical phase.

Why do I bring this up now? Well, The Office is a pretty funny show, and they have been doing these hilarious public service announcements during their commercials. Technically, they are mock PSAs, but the real ones I have seen lately are so stupid, it’s like they are already parodies of themselves anyway. Most of the ones given by The Office cast, in character, actually make good points, but Dwight gave one about black and brown bears that put me into lecture mode.

You can view many of the videos at the NBC site, but they don’t seem to have the bear one in there, probably due to the recent death in Tennessee. However, you can read transcripts at another site:

http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/office_psa_beer.shtml
http://www.officetally.com/?p=119#more-119

“When attacked by a bear, simply lie still on the ground, and cover your face and head with your hands. When the bear is finished batting you around and mauling you, contact the U.S. Forest Service”

That is bad advice. Stupid Dwight. But the others are pretty much correct. Black jellybeans are gross, it is never funny to smash cake into the bride’s face, and you should never ever tape yourself having sex. I have mixed feelings about not being ashamed to call fouls in pickup basketball, but there are probably people with whom it is necessary. Pervasive flagrant fouls can spoil the fun for everyone.

Back to bears, if you are out hiking and see a bear, start a calm retreat. That will usually be enough. If the bear is hungry, wounded, or a mother bear with cubs, the odds of attack are greater. If the bear starts to charge you, run as fast as you can and keep running. Bears are a lot faster than they look, but they can run faster uphill than downhill, so if you have the option of running downhill, go for it. Yes, that is a good way of breaking your neck, but you do what you have to do.

Internet discussions on bear safety will often focus on the best ammunition with which to shoot the bear. Most hikers and campers that I know are not armed, but if you are going that route, I suggest that you do not miss. I am also aware that some people recommend pepper spray, but I suspect that is going to be another one of those things that would only work if the bear wasn’t that interested anyway.

Fortunately, the percentage of bear encounters that turn fatal is way less than one percent, but it can happen. Don’t let it be because you took bad advice.