Addenda – 339

I realized after the last post that I might have left the impression that my mother was not a good parent. I can’t leave that, because I don’t think that, and although she is not internet-savvy, so her stumbling upon this is not an issue, that is one of her sensitive points. I suppose she worries that she was not a good enough parent, but I think she did okay. If you have the impression that my father was not a good parent, I probably can’t contradict that one, but I can share something kind of good about him that has stayed with me.

We were talking once about when he was growing up, and they moved a lot, looking for better situations. I think he attended something like thirteen different schools. He said he didn’t like it, and he knew it wasn’t going to be like that for his kids.

It wasn’t. We moved once, when my younger sisters were born and we needed a bigger place. That was right before I started first grade. At times he would talk about the fantastic financial opportunities if he went to work in Alaska or Saudi Arabia, but ultimately we stayed here, and all five of us graduated from the same high school, with only two of us ever even having been in a different school district.

I hate moving, and I love having roots, so this worked well for me. You could argue that even the move from Wilsonville was one move too many, as my older sister and our brother had a rough time with the change, but she had a rough time with everything, and he already had one possibly bad friend there, so he might have gotten a bit rough there too. You don’t really ever know.

I am glad we came here. I know Wilsonville has grown a lot now, but at the time I doubt there would have been gifted programs and AP classes, and there certainly weren’t shopping malls (not so much for the shopping as for the hanging out). I know for many people the suburbs are a symbol of all that is wrong with the world, but I like the mix of city and country, and this is just home for me.

Regardless of my opinion on the move, the point is that my father did successfully identify something about his upbringing that he did not like, made a conscious decision not to emulate it, and was successful in its implementation. You could argue he focused on the wrong thing (like the fact that he was not speaking to his parents when he died might have been a good reason to never disown anyone, ever), but it was something.

I know that besides my always feeling vaguely ashamed of something, I also never felt understood. Any time I was punished or in trouble, they did not understand where I was coming from, and that was so frustrating. With Dad, it did not matter how carefully you phrased it—he always settled on the worst possible meaning. Therefore, the thing I would try to do differently is be really understanding, and let my children have a voice.

That’s all well and good, but I expect that I would neglect something else, and that would end up being the thing most important to them. That’s how it works right? First of all, if I am doing something right, that won’t be their point of devastation, so the whole viewpoint will be different. Also, things just go wrong, and there are obstacles and hardships, and that is life. My sisters talk about not letting their kids get fat, but trying to keep them healthy, while good, if coming from your hang-ups could end up leading to a different hang-up. Perhaps it is just as well that none of us are reproducing so far.

One book that has influenced me is “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. I would want to try and make sure that I am expressing love in a manner that is felt by the individual child. One thing that I think has been hard for me is that I am very physical, and no one else in the family is. It’s not just that it is unnatural for them to hug—it’s distasteful to them. (I believe that is why food has been a natural substitute, because it is very physical and tangible.)

Of course, looking for the individual love language is really just a part of looking at the individual, which I think is really important. Mom will tell you that she raised us all the same, but she got vastly different results. It has a lot to do with the starting material. I just want to be in tune, able to recognize and respond to needs. I am trying to follow my intuition a lot more lately, which has its own challenges, but I do believe in inspiration, and in prayer. That and I have a mental note to re-read Food Fight (Brownell and Horgen) before I have children start school, and Reviving Ophelia (Pipher) before having teenage daughters.

The other thing I wanted to revisit is that after writing about my particularly formative experiences, I think part of the reason that they cut so deep is that I did not stand up for myself. In both cases I acted like I was ignoring what was happening, but I wasn’t. In junior high, a girl did start picking on me once the way Suzy had. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but I know I said something like, “I wouldn’t talk with that face”, and I think I said something about her looking stupid. She was getting ready to hit me, and I was going to hammer her, but her friend dragged her off because after all, she had started it, and the friend was getting kind of embarrassed.

So again, we have a completely unprovoked attack on my attractiveness by a girl who is considered attractive, but instead of taking her insults to heart, I’m kind of proud of myself. I probably shouldn’t be, because I wasn’t really being very Christian, but I’m not sure that I am really evolved enough for turning the other cheek at this point.

I did have to turn the other cheek once. Well, maybe it has happened more than once, but this time it was with a mission companion. She was new in the field, and going through a rough time. I said something to her that my trainer had said to me (about interrupting), and it hurt her confidence more than I knew, and then it just kind of spiraled out of control where she kept getting offended by everything I did and started really trying to offend me. I did not take the bait, and it was the first time I felt like I really understood what being meek meant.

I did make her talk it out (it took threatening to go to the mission president), and when I realized what I had been doing I apologized, and tried to work on it, and we ended up becoming really close and doing good work together. However, for the next while I would find myself periodically feeling a little angry, and upset that I had been cast as this villain, even though we were past it.

Perhaps I needed to mention it at that point. I did kind of make one remark once after we were dogged by an appointment. I attributed it to that particular disappointment, but I think she was a little suspicious. I felt it was really important not to lash out at her though, because I needed to prove to her that I was not her enemy. Maybe it would have been possible to acknowledge my hurt without hurting her more. After the next transfer I was much worse off and entered a horrible depression anyway, and then we ended up back together and she was really supportive, so I guess it all worked out. Unless it was suppressing that hurt that left me vulnerable to the depression, but I still think it largely came from the new companion looking askance at me any time I did anything differently than her trainer had. Personally, I had always found her trainer very annoying, and had no desire to emulate her, but everyone else loved her.

The point is, it may not be right, but unless there is a really good reason, where my forbearance can help you, do not cross me or I will cut you. Probably just with words, but no promises.