Mike – 333

I did not intentionally let so much time pass—things have just been busy. I am getting better at not wasting time and being more productive though, so we’ll see how that works out.

I feel safe considering Mike my first love, and it was very much love at first sight. I resisted that aspect of it less than I did with Gerard, though, because I was a sophomore in high school and just did not worry as much about logic. I saw him in the halls at school and was smitten. I don’t know that he had a remarkable first impression. We had seen each other around, and I knew I liked him, but the first time he spoke to me he was not really hitting on me.

I can be kind of clumsy at times, and maybe some of it is a poor grasp of spatial relations. The point of this is, as I was walking around a trophy case I didn’t quite make it, and clipped it with my shoulder. It was nothing unusual, and I my typical strategy was to pretend such things did not happen. (Admittedly, denial is not a great strategy. I still remember Amy looking at me in horror after, having given me a ride home, I leaned into the car to thank her, banged my forehead on the door, and kept talking.)

Anyway, my shoulder went bang and I would have kept going but I heard this voice behind me, “Watch out for that case!” and it was Mike. It wasn’t a brilliant response, but I said, “Thanks for deepening my embarrassment. I appreciate it,” to which he replied, “You’re welcome.” Well, smart alecks have never been a turnoff for me, and at least he had noticed me—no easy feat for a sophomore with a senior.

Still, it would not have gotten us anywhere, and once he graduated I could easily have never seen him again, but that job at McDonald’s came in handy. He came in a lot, and always ordered the same thing, a double cheeseburger plain. He was so consistent that one time when I was working drive-through the woman told me she couldn’t remember if her son wanted a double cheeseburger plain or a quarter-pounder plain. I said, “If your Mike Johnson’s mother, it’s the double cheeseburger.” There was stunned silence, like how did you know? She’s just lucky I was working that night.

Anyway, as he would come in we would talk more, but where we really started to bond was when I bought the drum set.

I have always loved music, and one of the hallmarks of getting your first regular paychecks is that you realize you can just buy things. You don’t need to ask your parents or anything. On 170th one family had put out a drum set one day, and I really wanted it, so I asked his advice. Mike took a look and helped me get them back to my house, and gave me advice for what else I would need.

The drums did not work out for me. When I did feel comfortable letting loose, I loved playing them and I believe with practice I could become good at them, but it was so hard to let loose. Even when there was no one else home, I would worry about disturbing the neighbors. We knew suppression was an issue for me. I’d like to give drums a try again if I could ever have a soundproof room, but I probably should have just used the drumsticks on cushions for a while, or stuck to practicing piano.

Still, even if I never became a great drummer, the set brought me closer to Mike, and that was totally worth it. That was when we really started talking and hanging out.

If I had not already been there, he would still have been so easy to fall for. Even if I am not great at playing music, I appreciate it really well, and I still think he is the most talented musician I have ever met. I knew he played drums from school, where he played in the band at basketball games, but he played and wrote the most beautiful songs on piano, and when he came over to my house he tuned and played my uncle’s guitar, which had been untouched for years, and even played some on the banjo that my father had impulsively bought and never learned (family trait apparently). Also, he met all of my shallow requirements, being relatively tall, having great hair, and nice arms. Of course he had great arms. He was a drummer!

I haven’t really had a boyfriend (other than Shawn and Stephen, if we are going to count absolutely everything), but there are ways in which it was like we were dating. We talked on the phone a lot, and would hang out at each other’s houses (more often it was me at his, because he lived right across from school, and had one sibling to my four), and occasionally we would go places together.

Also, he did things for me. He helped with the drum kit of course, but he would also give me rides to work sometimes, and sometimes I could just hang out at his place when having a father who was not speaking to me was too hard. On my birthday I wanted to do something different, so he picked up pizza for me and brought it to the school, and I had a pizza party with my friends on our lunch break. Also, my big goal for the SAT was to break 1500, and I got 1420 and was feeling down, and he was just so excited over the score that he was the reason I felt better about it. Really, he was pretty supportive.

For Mike, I am sure it was not at all like we were dating, because that would have involved sex. He had girlfriends on and off the entire time we were friends, and at least one of them knew we were friends, because he heard about something I did at school from her, and I had no idea who she was.

Eventually, he moved, and I was not seeing him as much, and I went off to college, and at some point I realized that he was never going to like me the way that I liked him. We had never discussed the inequality of our feelings. How could we? I was already a full compartmentalizer, where I kept my romantic feelings private and only displayed friendship feelings, ever. Still, that doesn’t mean he didn’t know, because there was another girl who liked him, and he got really frustrated with her. There were things to that story that I did not know, but it at least showed me that he was capable of discerning unstated romantic yearnings—and made me pretty nervous.

Anyway, when I had this realization, I felt like I needed to break things off with him. I was probably feeling a little bitter, but I remember thinking that I was like a little dog following him around, and even if he was not treating me that way, for my dignity I needed to stop. And I think that’s where I messed up, in that I was worrying about my dignity. If I had just been focused on my ability to grow and find love, it probably would have been okay. As it was, I wrote him a letter explaining that kind of dumped him as a friend, and possibly hurt him. He didn’t write back, but it didn’t really invite a response.

Time went on, and maybe I had some regrets, or should have, but I don’t remember really thinking about it until I was at Washington Square and saw him. I just went cold, and fled the scene—I hope before he saw me, but I have doubts. So I wandered to a different area of the mall, and kind of collected myself, and then felt really stupid and went back in his direction. I didn’t know if he would be around, but I felt like I at least needed to try. Suddenly, he was right in front of me.

It was awkward, but it was good. Honestly, I would have deserved some coolness from him, but I guess he understood, and he was nice, and we could make small talk, and be okay, even if we were no longer going to actively keep in touch.

As the story continues, we will see that evicting Mike from my heart is what left room for Aaron, and as Aaron was replaced, well, I really learned to appreciate how good Mike had been to me. While I was on my mission I wrote him, and I just kind of thanked him for everything, and reaffirmed that he was a good guy. He didn’t write back to that either, but the one last time I saw him, he mentioned it, and it meant a lot to him. He actually mentioned it to his roommate, and his roommate asked, “Are you sure she means you?” “Yeah, I think so.”

That last time was at the funeral of another friend, Eric, who left us all way too soon. This was about eleven years ago. There were a lot of people I could have talked to there, but I did not feel up to it, so I visited with the family a bit, then stood off to the side, and suddenly Mike was walking by. We hugged and talked, and it was good. We did not exchange addresses, but we were on good terms and I was grateful for that chance. Even if I am no longer in love with him, I will always love him and wish him well.

I do have some regrets. One is that I was writing a lot of songs in high school, and I didn’t really share that with him. I kind of tried once, and immediately felt that they were so lame, and I could not go on, except collaboration and continued effort is how things get better, and I would have loved to have developed my musical talents, including songwriting more. Yes, he was going to be superior to me, but that would have given me a lot to learn.

Finally, I regret not asking him to my senior prom. I was at prom all three years. Sophomore year I was with Hung, and then my junior year I did not have a date and wasn’t going to go, but I was in charge of the chaperones and felt like I had to, so I went stag. I danced with friends, and although I did not dance with Mike, he was there. Someone else had asked him.

For my senior year, I really felt like I needed a date, and it was clear no one was going to ask me, and eventually I got fixed up with Kevin, and that directly affected some of the people I met during college, and we had a good time, and it was fine. However, I had been in love with Mike for three years—I should have at least tried asking him.

I guess I didn’t want to risk ruining the friendship, and I didn’t think he would really want to go to yet another prom, but it would have been a dream come true. And who knows? I don’t think we would have ended up together, but we might have kissed, or tried dating over the summer, or I could at least have felt confident enough in his regard for me that I did not dump him as a friend a few months later. It was just worth a shot.

There were two bad patterns I’ve had that I followed with Mike. One is always focusing on the guy that was not around. Yes, he was in town, and we did spend time together, but after he graduated, it might have been good to pay more attention to the boys I was actually around daily.

The other thing was maintaining complete secrecy on what is really important, from the guy and from other people. If people knew I liked Mike, then they should have known that I was not hung up on Bobby or Aaron, but one of my closest friends teased me about Aaron because even she thought I liked him. I was a little overprotective of my secrets, unlike now where I just post everything on the Internet.

That’s a good side note actually. I recently wrote a letter to the editor. It did not end up getting published, but if it had, the particular person who was involved is remarkably vindictive. However, my closet doesn’t really have any skeletons, and anything that is really painful or embarrassing has either been posted already or I will get to it soon. So in addition to my intended goals of working out emotional issues and becoming stronger, I am also basically blackmail proof.

Thank you, my six regular readers. You are an important part of my process.