Sex education – 314

Believe it or not, I have had strong theories about sex education for a long time, and the recent election had me thinking about the topic more. It’s not just the expression of barely suppressed crazy-eyed rage on McCain’s face during the third debate when Obama thought that we could all support using education to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, but also Bristol Palin and 4parents.gov.

You might have already guessed that I would continue my pro-thought stance, but let’s combine it here with the old adage that knowledge is power. I feel empowerment is the key. Specifically it needs to be age-appropriate empowerment on how not to be exploited, and how to be healthy.

One thing that got me thinking was an episode of Law & Order SVU (Contagious). A young girl was abused, she was pressured to name her abuser but terrified into initially naming the wrong person (and ruining his life), because the real abuser had threatened to kill her. What occurred to me was that anyone who is telling you not to tell is really demonstrating that you have the power. He didn’t kill her—he got arrested. Now, I’m not saying that it would have been good for her to tell him, right after the threat, that she was going to tell, but yes, get to a safe place, and then tell.

That is something to let kids know, and it may actually be a more valuable lesson than specifically telling children about sexual abuse. It seems that when children are being molested, they know it is wrong, whether they have had that explained to them or not, and if you try to tell them what to look out for you can get them feeling weird about sitting on laps or hugs if you throw in too many euphemisms or go too much the other way. But yes, you can talk about things that hurt, and things that make you sad, and that those things should not be secret.

In terms of the mechanics of sex, that can probably wait until they are slightly older. The one sex talk I remember getting from my mother must have been when I was four, as I think I asked after I found out she was pregnant with my younger sisters. She gave me an analogy about seeds being planted that I took far too literally, but that’s probably okay. I later got the straight details from the book “Where Did I Come From?” that the girl next door had. I would have been between eight and ten, and this is an excellent book for that age.

As the older children start turning into young adolescents, they still need to know how to protect themselves, and that means far more than condoms. My thoughts here are largely influenced from when I first read about Neil Goldschmidt and the fourteen-year old girl. The media took flack for referring to it as an affair instead of sexual abuse, and I can see how that happened. At the time, I bet both Goldschmidt and the girl would have agreed that the term affair was more accurate than abuse. Regardless, it is abuse, and I doubt the abuser is completely blind to the lack of equality in the relationship—it’s probably one of the perks. What I remember learning then was how it destroys the victim. After effects generally include (among other things) alcoholism and employment problems, both of which had been issues for the victim. It may sound stupid to throw self-esteem issues in there, but you know, the self-respect of any teenage girl tends to be a little fragile, and one big issue with any abuse of children and adolescents is that they are still forming their world views, in terms of how they think things work, and what’s okay. You do more harm by abusing them than you can to an adult simply because of that.

Anyway, what occurred to me, as someone who had two teachers who later ran off with students (three if you count the girl’s soccer coach, but that was a former student, not current student), is that no one ever really told us that. Sure, you can think that getting involved with an old man would be gross, and yet there are teachers who are attractive, and students who are vulnerable, and obviously, the possibility is there. So maybe it is worthwhile to tell students that an adult or person in power who is interested in you is a pervert. This is not because you are not attractive, but because the job of adults is to be protective of the young, and this is exploitation. Because this is someone who will like being able to dominate you and control you, even if initially there is feigned interest in your thoughts and wants. And because the legacy of people who give into this is pain that you will be tempted to numb with substances, and an inability to achieve goals or even obtain minimal stability. Let the potential prey understand the predator so that it will be easier to resist.

Once you have the creepy molesters out of the way, there is still the issue of what information you can appropriately give teens about sex. Many people who are against sex education seem to feel that any mention of the topic will give the kids ideas, especially if you try and teach them how to avoid the risky things like catching diseases and getting pregnant, so let’s not mention the word and turn these docile innocents into raging bags of hormones. Except, if they have ever been out in the world at all, the ideas are there, and even if you have somehow kept them in a bubble of isolation, the hormones are still there. And that’s great, they should be. The hormones were put there by the same God who says that you will be happier if you don’t base your actions on your hormones. There is no real benefit to withholding that basic knowledge.

Most of my knowledge comes from tenth grade health class, where we watched many movies and read statistics about pregnancy and STDs (as well as drugs, smoking, drunk driving, and eating disorders). We did learn about the different types of birth control, and that might have even been back in junior high, though the memory is a little foggy. However, although that information is good, it is really not a sufficient education. Risks will not scare teens out of doing things, because all teenagers know that they are immortal and that stuff doesn’t really happen. They might use the birth control, but you can’t count on statistics sinking in. Those of us who were not engaging in risky behaviors were generally doing it for personal beliefs.

That being said, there are a lot of good reasons for waiting, and there are things you could say that might sink in. I don’t see that the average teenager is afraid of getting the clap (though there was an outbreak at one of the area schools my junior year), but they are afraid of rejection, and getting their feelings hurt, and a lot of emotional things that do end up getting tied in with sex. It turns out that many of my friends who got early starts did not particularly enjoy them, or feel good about them afterwards.

One of my earliest memories about this did not actually involve a friend. This was back in eighth or ninth grade, and back then my social group was still all good girls who were never going to do that (this changed over the next two years). Anyway, I was walking down the hall with one guy, and there was a girl, D, in front of us. Her boyfriend, J, came out from a room, and seeing her in front he gave her a swat on the rear, and she looked back in fake shock, and then he put his arm around her, and they walked off together. The guy I was with (let’s call him B) told me that J was just hanging out with D until she gave in, and then he would dump her. I remember seeing them about two weeks later, near each other but not together, and she shot him a look of pure hatred and I knew it had happened.

That is not an uncommon story. I wonder now if I should have tried to warn her. “Hey, do you like dating J? Don’t sleep with him,” but we weren’t friends and I don’t think that conversation could have gone well. Maybe the more shocking thing was that I don’t remember B thinking much about it one way or the other. He was a nice guy. Maybe it did bother him. More to the point, I know it bothered her, and it’s just a really crappy thing to like someone, and believe he likes you, trust him, give yourself to him, and then realize that you were just a chump, And I bet she didn’t have a good time that night either.

For real empowerment, there needs to be honesty. That means that you need to admit that sex feels good and there are strong natural cravings that at times may seem like they will drive you crazy (but they really won’t, and you will not explode). But admitting that allows you to be honest about what sex will not do. It will not make you feel loved when you are not loved. It certainly does not prove love. It will not make you popular, at least not in the way you would like.

Empowerment also means helping teens know how to feel loved, and satisfied, and to build good relationships, and not go with someone who does not respect you. (And, for girls at least, maybe everyone, it should probably always include some self-defense classes.)

This is embarrassing, but due to a relative who shall not be named, I get a little more exposure to 7th Heaven than I am really happy about (they seem a bit self-righteous for how much they lie, but maybe that’s just me). Anyway, as far as I can tell, two of the main characters have had premarital sex. The one had an STD scare that made him stop doing it, and the other got a girl he didn’t care about pregnant and lost the girl he really loved. I just think it’s a little dishonest. Lots of people experiment without having those things happen, and teens know this, and will be rightly skeptical. This will not win them over.

Also, since these discussions are generally about what schools will do (rather than churches or parents), well, a public government-financed school cannot tell teens that they should wait until they are married to have sex or it’s a sin. Parents can, but if they don’t explain why the kids may not listen to well. (And I am probably also strongly influenced by my belief that commandments are not arbitrary, but that there are good reasons for every one that relate to our happiness.) Anyway, calling it bad will probably not be effective when it sounds so fun.

However, I think there is something that can be said that will still be helpful. We can teach teens to have made the decision of when sex will be appropriate before they do it. Marriage is a great choice, but after completing college, or even after graduating high school, can be good goals. If they are not ready to decide that they want to put it off that far, they can think again in six months and review. Encourage them to think about what would be acceptable to them, in terms of where they are in their life, and how they feel about the person and the circumstances. Maybe they will want to set standards for how long they have been dating someone, or that it can never be in a car, or can never involve lying or alcohol. The point is, they will be coming up with a standard, other than simply being alone with someone (maybe a little bit buzzed) and the kissing feels good and there goes the hand and clarity of thought has just left the building. (And obviously, when you are having this discussion, you should also discuss the kinds of situations that make you forget smart choices you made and throw them over for foolish ones.)

This is really allowing the teen to take ownership of their life and sexuality, and this is scary, but they need to. One study a while back showed that promise rings and vows of chastity were only effective if the number of students participating was below a certain amount. The conclusion was that the teen needs to feel a certain amount of uniqueness to stick to abstinence. It seems more likely to me that maybe the issue is that when more students are participating, you might have some teens taking the pledge because of peer pressure, rather than a sincere belief in its value. That can be seen as a positive peer pressure, but if it doesn’t stick that might be one really great argument right there against abstinence-only education. Teach teens that they are valuable, and that they deserve to be respected, and how to maintain that.

It won’t be foolproof. I remained chaste (by choice) because of my religion, but there were kids of the same religion who did not, so that’s not a rule, and there were kids who weren’t religious who at least waited until after high school for reasons of their own.

I know it gets hard for some parents, because they don’t want their kids to have sex, but they did, and they feel like hypocrites. However, think about why you don’t want them to do it. Do you have some regrets? You can share that honestly. Please remember that honest communication will probably need to focus more on the motivations and emotions than on recounting the lurid details, or the conversation can quickly move south. But also remember that having open communication will be huge in terms of knowing what is going on in their lives. Some of the friends who made the worst choices had the most clueless parents, and I don’t think that was a coincidence. It wasn’t a lack of love, but whether it was due to fear, or preoccupation with other things, or a desire to be liked, they let things slip by that they should have seized upon.

Obviously, parents play an important part in making sure that their children feel loved, and know to treat others with respect, and have respect for them selves, and there should be a commitment to being educated about that. One thing I remember about The Five Love Languages was that he said when he had young clients with problems who did not feel loved, they always were loved—it just wasn’t getting through to them. Before I have children I will re-read it, and before I have teenage daughters I will re-read Reviving Ophelia, and before I have children starting school I will re-read Food Fight (the Brownell-Horgen one). I’m sure other books will join that list. Tell me your favorites.

Okay, so my mother did not teach me the mechanics of sex, and honestly, my older brother and sister got sex talks from Dad and they found them more traumatic than helpful. However, there were some things they did right. Dad got us going to church, and even after he stopped going, half of us kept going and that did make our lives better. My mother also has been good for me maintaining a healthy attitude about sex because she never tried to make us feel like it was bad or gross, but there was always that standard that it is something that is great for bringing a husband and wife closer together. No one in the family is a prude, but those of us who have chosen chastity don’t regret it.

I admit, not all of us did, and even with better more effective parents, that might still have been the case. Respectfully and honestly empowering teens will not completely eliminate teen sex. But you know what else won’t? Abstinence-only education.