Status update – 314

Now that I have finished reconciling my political and religious beliefs, and there was mention of the Apocalypse, I was going to do some follow-up on that which would be pretty cool—even if maybe a little scary and weird. I think I will still do that, but right now I just need to go over my life and what’s happening in it. Maybe I need to vent a bit.

None of the jobs I am applying for are working out. It’s a rough market of course, and the hard part is in most cases you don’t even hear back. I have gotten three signs of possible interest, but two turned out to be a little shady, and the one found out my wage history and didn’t want to waste my time anymore. I might have pressed harder, but it had come out that even though they called the job customer service, sales are a strong component, and you are really supposed to try and go for the add-on sales on every single call. I have a negative capacity for sales. Knowing I need to ask people for money makes me physically ill. So, pressing to take a wage I could not live on at a job that would make me sick didn’t seem like the thing to do, though I did think about it. After all, the money concerns are strong, and they have been joined by sick pets, car problems, and layoff concerns for other family members.

On the screenwriting side, I have three screenplays done. I feel like I come up with stupid titles, but they are Jade Mask, Between the Lines, and Hungry. I wasn’t really sure what to do in terms of marketing, because most production companies won’t take anything unless it is through an agent or an entertainment lawyer, and getting an agent with no track record used to be impossible. I thought maybe if I could get some screen treatments for other ideas set up, and called agencies with three completed scripts and six treatments, at least a few would have to take me seriously. I didn’t know how to do a screen treatment though, and I felt like I should be doing networking. So, I went through LDS Linkups and sent a message to almost every single person with film mentioned in their occupation.

I got a few helpful responses, and some less so, but one common thread was that three screenplays was not a bad start for finding an agent. Currently screen treatments are running at around thirty pages, and I had to put that idea on hold because I can’t justify spending the time to write that out when I could actually be working on a script. Well, if a potential buyer specifically requested it, yes, but otherwise no. So, a few days ago I printed out the list of agencies on the WGA site, and started calling.

It’s a horrible process. The third most common response is that they don’t really take literary clients. When I’m done I’ll send a list of those to the WGA, but one of the offices said they had told the WGA to take their information down already.

The second most common response is that we are not taking new clients, or at least not this year, but the most common response is that we only take referrals. (There was one very complicated one where they are not taking any new pitches, or literary clients, until after the New Year except by referral.) Some have machines, but at this point I cannot leave messages. Whether it would be a callback for the express purpose of rejecting me, or no callback because they are completely ignoring me, I am just not up to it right now.

On the plus side, when every answer is negative, you can make pretty fast progress. I only have about 64 calls left. The down side is that all of those rejections wear a girl down. (Also, I kind of think it’s silly to only look at referrals. For an actor it might make sense, but any agent worth his salt should be able to read a script and see if it’s any good and know if it’s marketable. I suppose it is to save the work of going through lots of scripts that aren’t any good, but isn’t anyone afraid of missing the next big thing?)

It may sound like an exercise in futility, but I guess I consider it to be dues paying. You don’t know what will come through so you need to try everything. I do have a few web sites I can check, and one of the LDS linkup guys and his brothers may film some of my stuff. There wouldn’t be any money in it necessarily, but it could provide some exposure.

Of course, I have come up with a secondary problem, which is that I find that even if I got an offer, I don’t think I could sell Hungry. All along it has been one that I thought I would film independently, because I love it too much to let someone else have it. It is the third one I’ve written, but it is an idea I have been working on since I was fourteen, and it has changed a lot since then, but it is still really a part of me. I thought I had changed my mind, because really it is very marketable and I have no idea when I would be ready to make a film, but as I have worked on it and crafted it, I know I can’t.

What makes that worse is that in my always thinking I would film it myself, I always thought Mitch would be a part of it. At first I thought he would be the vampire, and then I thought he would be the hero, and honestly, he could do either, but still, he was always in it, and so I miss him more as I am working on it, and I have to be honest with myself. I am still in love with him, without any logic or reason. I still think all I need is one reciprocal relationship to get me over him, but I don’t even know what those look like.

That is another point right there. Every year I find myself at the end of the year alone, and somehow that seems to be worse around the holidays. However, as we reach the New Year I always start feeling a little bit of hope and optimism and think, well, maybe next year there will be someone. This year, not only is there still not anyone, but I am unemployed. And I thought just being lonely was bad!

So today I was going to call through L on the agent list, and polish some scenes, and look for some conventional jobs as well, but when I woke up I heard my mother crying, and talking in Italian, and although I did not want to believe it I knew that it meant that my uncle Paolo had not recovered from his heart attack, and that he was gone, and I don’t know how productive I’m going to be today. I’m just a little down.

I’m not depressed. I remember what that was like. I wanted to die, and I wanted to die not just because of how much I hurt but because I could not believe that things would ever get any better. I know things will get better here. I will find a job, or I will sell a screenplay (or both), or I will finally, after making it into their contestant database three times, finally get called to go on Jeopardy. Something good will happen financially.

With my uncle, that one’s harder, but I am so glad Mom and I went in May. More than that, I am grateful for the Resurrection, and that I know he is okay. I don’t even know how I would feel for that.

So, my mental soundtrack right now is “I’m Not Okay” (My Chemical Romance, old school version), but really, I am okay. More accurately, I know that I will be okay and that keeps me from being completely un-okay now.