This could be a mistake

No weight right now. The battery on the scale went out. We got it replaced, but I was thinking how I have been hovering around this same weight range for a while, and I want to try something new, so I am not weighing until Saturday. I do intend to exercise every day, and really focus on getting more fruits and vegetables. Normally when I make an effort to take healthier steps, the numbers bounce around in frustrating manners, and I do not want to be distracted. I am afraid not weighing will take as much willpower as getting the exercise in, but it is not really for that long.

I have joined a dating site. That was abrupt, wasn’t it? It happened about as quickly. I have had many people tell me I should, and I have thought about it, but I am leery about computer dating for multiple reasons.

For one thing, I don’t really work that way. Looking at my track record, both times I have fallen in love it has been at first site, and those were relationships I could live with, whereas the ones I talked myself into ended up being really bad for me. I guess chemistry is really important to me, and I have doubts about how well that can be transmitted through a web site. Of course, I should not really rely on my track record, because, you know, I’m thirty-seven and have never been kissed, or dated anyone seriously, and I haven’t even been on a simple date for maybe two years or so.

I was on eharmony.com for a while, and I even ended up paying for a subscription. However, I found that I didn’t really want any of the matches. I kept up the communication anyway, but we still never went beyond questions, and even if there was a little bit of feeling down from them not wanting to go further, I still did not want them. I have doubts that I will want anyone that I find through a site.

Also, I hate putting myself on the line like that. So many people are judging you by your looks, or at least your fitness level, and who needs that? Except, that is exactly why I am doing it. I am doing something that is scary, and uncomfortable, because I don’t want to live in fear, and I want to push my boundaries, and I want to break barriers. I have believed for so long that no one could love me or want me because of my weight, and the easy thing would be to wait until I have gone lower to try this, but what if I don’t? What if I never go lower than I am now? Does that make me less of a person? Ultimately, it’s more valuable to me if I do it now.

I am also doing it for my sisters. They also feel like no one will want them. They are thinner, but not by enough. I have been bothered by their dismissive attitude when I have thought someone might be interested in me, because it feels like a slur on me, but it is really an attitude that is self-injuring for them, and if I have not specifically taught it to them, I have not contradicted the lessons. They deserve better, and I do too.

I had kind of had in mind a very honest profile. I nearly posted on match.com, but there’s a charge for that too, so I posted on plentyoffish.com. This was a concern too, as I guess slutty people do use the site for hooking up, but apparently that was just one option, so I’m trying it. This is my profile:

“First the bad. I have been unemployed since September, and it is starting to wear me down. In addition to searching for regular jobs, I am working on my sixth screenplay, and hope that will pay off someday. I am overweight. Currently losing, but it is not a short-term thing.

On the plus side, I am smart, funny, and creative. I am kind, understanding and loyal. I can handle extremely stressful situations without losing my cool. Also, I will never lie to you, or that first paragraph would not even be there.

I love to travel, though I am not currently making any plans until I have income again. I like staying informed about what is going on in the world. I have a soft spot for musicians. I love language in general--not just reading and writing but also foreign languages. I have studied French, Spanish, Italian, and Laotian, and can get the gist of things in a few more languages.

I'm skeptical of internet dating, but my life is all about trying new things right now.

I am LDS, and have tried to avoid dating outside of that, but LDS single guys in my age group tend to be single for a reason, so I am starting to bend on that. I will not bend on living the religion myself (i.e. no sex).

If despite all that you are interested, great. I am too.”

I do have a few concerns about it. Honestly, I probably should be worried about axe murderers and other psychos, but I’m not feeling like that is a real threat. Obviously I will follow the public places rule. I am more concerned that I will draw guys who view the no sex bit as a challenge (they won’t win, but I am not interested in the hassle) or that I will draw guys who are specifically interested in the weight. I know there is a subset of the population that can be referred to as chubby-chasers, but I think they are sick. In the words of the lolcats, Do not want!

Also, I am a little worried that LDS friends will look down on me for the part about being open to dating non-members, and I’m worried that it’s a mistake myself, but it also seems like a necessary step to take, if for no other reason than that a non-LDS guy is a lot more likely to give me the time of day, and I would like to be given the time of day every now and then.

What I like most of all about it though, is that I am clearly no apologetic. I apologize for myself a lot, and I do not think I am cured of that by a long shot, but I am better, and I can tell.

And honestly, I have no interest in pretending to be anyone else. I’m good as I am, flaws and all. That feels good to realize, and it should keep me out of game-playing (which again, no interest).

So, I put that up. Someone added me to his favorites list, and two guys have sent me messages. The one I wrote back to has invited me to coffee. I don’t want to go, but still, it’s nice to be asked.