A year in pictures

New Year’s has become one of my favorite holidays. It’s not that I generally do anything special, but I do feel a sense of optimism and renewal, if for no other reason than that I still haven’t learned that the next year will probably be just as hard and I will stay just as single. Well, it’s a fairly benign delusion.

Anyway, being a rather traditional sort, I made four resolutions for 2009. I wavered horribly on keeping my thoughts pure, and even if I am doing pretty well now, it in no way counts as keeping it. My borderline OCD habit of playing with my hair continues unimpaired, and I am just lucky that it is not full-blown trichotillomania. And while I did complete one screenplay (Past Present, formerly Dark Secrets) in one month (January), I did not keep that pace up for the rest of the year (though there are reasons why that is not so bad, which I may get to in another post).

I did manage to keep one resolution, but it was kind of the easiest. I did take and post a different picture of me every month. I ran a little late one month, and certainly many of the pictures are lame, but I did it.

The reason I made the resolution in the first place was because I really hate having my picture taken. I hate the way I look in pictures. I am not thrilled about the way I look in 3-D, and having it flattened and then saved makes it worse. Hate.

However, there are valid reasons for allowing your image to be captured on film, and possibly this distaste for one’s image can be unhealthy, so I went for it. The goal was to just become inured to it, I guess.

It was semi-successful. I do cringe less now, so I guess I have built up some immunity. I had also entertained this hope that I would somehow become better looking (re: thinner) over the course of the year, but I am about the same (that is another topic for a different day). Maybe I need to appreciate my current incarnation more before I can reach my full potential.

The primary benefit has been in seeing other’s comments. People are nice. They use words like “cute” and “great smile”. This has been weird for me, because what I see is more along the lines of “Egad, that stomach! And those thighs, and arms, and, for crying out loud! I don’t have trouble spots—I have a trouble body! And sure, I know I brushed my hair today because I remember doing it, but there is absolutely no evidence of it happening. I’m dressed like a ragamuffin, and why am I such a dork?” So there’s a bit of a disconnect.

In some ways this is not a surprise, because when I run into people they are always telling me that I haven’t aged, and I look exactly the same. In my mind I am thinking that I cut my hair short and grew it long again two or three times, and that I have gained at least five dress sizes since high school, and I know of the existence of fine lines, but really, the things that make people look like they have aged are weight gain and hard living, and I don’t live hard and I was already fat, so there is less room for people to notice decay. (Thinning hair can add age too, but that hasn’t been an issue for me yet, and some people really rock the bald look.) So, okay, I look good for me, because I didn’t have a lot to lose. But I don’t really think people are thinking this; I just think it might be a subconscious factor.

On another level, the niceness makes sense, because it would just be completely inappropriate for people to make mean comments. Social networking would probably be a lot less popular if people used it for personal criticisms.

Also, people are probably more kindly disposed, because after all, I know that I would never think as mean thoughts about someone else as I do about myself. (Well, I do think that heavy people wearing skimpy clothing is a bad idea, and no one needs to see the jiggling. Still, even when you’re skinny, bad skin can make it look unattractive, and even if you are one of the select few who can look good uncovered, you are ultimately just contributing to your own objectification, so give modesty a chance!)

Anyway, this is where it gets tricky. Any improvements that I should make require clear eyes, and a realistic take on where improvement is needed, and yet there is a line there where seeing that negative becomes destructive, and cruel. I’ve never been really good at that balancing act. I like myself a lot better now than I have at past times, and there are ways in which I am balanced, but I still have a mental block that attractiveness can ever exist in the presence of fat.

So I guess taking the pictures is in some way a step of trying to fit the behavior to the goal instead of the reality. I’ll give an example. Once upon a time, I would try and excuse away compliments, either explaining why it wasn’t really that good, or denying, or so on. I learned that this made people try and assert the compliment more. (The same thing happens with thanks—if you say “No problem” or “It was nothing”, they keep going. A good “You’re welcome” can nip that in the bud.)

Anyway, I started thanking people for compliments. Even though I believed they were wrong about whatever they thought that they saw in me that was good, I would just accept it. Although there were other steps that were needed before I could sincerely appreciate the compliment, it was a step in the right direction.

So, since I do not want to be the frustrating person who does not cooperate with the photographer, and since I do not want to hate the way I look, I have taken multiple pictures this year, and shared them on my profile. I do not love any of them (I hate the pictures someone else posted from a friend’s baby shower—I would completely eradicate them if I could), but I am dealing with them.

I am making some progress. With this last one, I could kind of see what people mean about the smile, at least. I usually do look happy. I generally am happy, so probably there is some sincerity to it. Also, I do have good teeth. Okay, I have always known that, but it’s nice to know that it counts for something.