I’ve always had such a crush on you

One thing that never ceases to amaze me about men is that they do not realize that women talk to each other. We love to share, and hey, if we talk to each other, it can get you off the hook for some listening. The downside is that if you are a bad boy, it gets found out. More likely, if you are lame, that gets found out too. If you cast a wide net, where none of the various women in your life know each other, it buys you time, but it is just something to be aware of.

I mention this because there is a guy I went to school with who has been working his way through the class, telling each one, “I always had such a crush on you. I thought you were so cute.” I can’t remember if the count is at seven or nine girls now who have heard it. Sometimes they hear about it in conjunction with what a jerk I am. The last time it came up, I didn’t even get confirmation, because the girl was kind of sounding me out sneakily, and I suddenly realized she was trying to determine if the reason for the rift between us was thwarted love. (No.) I suddenly realized I was tired, and did not want to go down that road, and so I alluded to the crush/cute thing, and suddenly the conversation stalled.

Anyway, the point of this is not that someone needs a new pickup line (although that would be true), but because my mind churns on things and my thoughts follow strange paths, I have thought about that line.

For one thing, it is not impossible that he truly had crushes on each of those girls and thought they were cute. Sure, the repetitiveness (and apparently the presence of a girlfriend) makes it seem insincere, but it is possible to like a lot of different people when you are young. I seem to remember once making a list (while in junior high) of boys whom I found attractive in some way, and I think I came up with forty-eight. I should have looked around for another two to just make it an even fifty, but I don’t remember doing so.

Of course, there were different levels of attraction. Some were just good-looking, but it didn’t matter. Sometimes it was just exciting to talk to them, and nice being around them, but there were others that you would think about a lot, and maybe even find lame reason to call, or ride your bike by their house. Actually, I recently learned that my 7th-8th grade crush and my 9th grade crush were neighbors. That should have been so convenient, but I didn’t even know! Had I just outgrown that by 9th grade? I remember accompanying Danielle on a walk-by in 10th grade, but maybe I was just accommodating her. I mean, I didn’t have to do walk-bys with Mike anyway, because I would just go hang out with him platonically.

The thing that I really wonder about, though, is whether anyone had a crush on me. Certainly at the time I thought it was impossible, but my views were messed up. Looking back, I can see times when maybe there was something there. For example, one time I was wearing a rather flattering sweater, and I got a “Whoa” out of Gary, and I enjoyed that, but it never went anywhere. Kyle agreed to meet up with me at the 9th grade prom, but then Dave got grounded, and Kyle didn’t want to go anymore. He did tell me beforehand, and neither of them did show up at all, because Ann and I were there, and we would have noticed, so it could have been worse, but it’s not exactly a case of someone being excited to be with you either.

(And that Chris guy totally wanted to sleep with, well, anyone, but he tried with me. Slimy horny boys don’t build as much confidence as you would think.)

Mainly what I worry about was that I missed opportunities that I could have had. I believed that boys did not and would not like me, and boys never asked me out, which seemed to corroborate my fears, but because I was always so careful to cast myself as platonic, I never really encouraged anyone. What if I thought I needed to be don’t-be-scared-of-this-gross-girl-liking-you-she-is-totally-harmless, but what I really needed to be was flirt-a-little-he-likes-you-but-he-is-scared?

It’s largely a moot point, because I can’t go back and change anything, and all I can really do is try and be wiser now. However, a big part of my being wiser now is understanding how I was foolish before. This is why in journals, and then in blog posts, I have gone over my entire romantic history (in all it’s one-sidedness), and all of the events and experiences that developed the hang-ups that figure so prominently in my life, and all of the regrets that I have from my romantic life.

So I believe that understanding the past, and trying to get to the truth of it is important, and my knowledge of this area is a big blank. I didn’t think any boys were ever attracted to me, but I don’t know and I don’t know how to know.

I thought about setting my Facebook status to ask for input on that, but there are a few problems with doing so. It’s not really an effective way of reaching people. Some will see it, some won’t, and I will only know that someone has seen it if they answer. Certainly if people took the time to answer “no”, it would sting a bit, and be pretty unnecessary, because that was my assumption anyway. It’s probably more likely that I would hear nothing, and that would feel a little crushing too, even thought it might not mean that much. So, getting good data would be challenging.

On the other hand, asking the question and finding out the answer scares me, which right there seems to be an argument in favor of doing it. I should face fears. I just want to be productive when I do it, and I’m not sure that I could be for this.

Sure, it might be nice to focus more on current attraction, and I will write about that more in the future, but for now all of the guys that I think I could reconnect with or flirt with have a way of suddenly entering new relationships. Good for them, I guess, and it at least settles the question of whether, when you kind of like two brothers, you need to choose right away or can wait until you assess their interest in you, because really I was not sure. Still, it’s a little disappointing.

I guess all I can really say is that I would be interested in learning of any confirmed or suspected attraction to me at any point in the past or, heck, even now. How’s that for commitment?