Things I Can Do, and Things I Can’t

On with the introspection! So, obviously there was no big cash payout, and so things I had thought about doing with that were not going to happen.

I never expected to win pay-off-your-house-and-quit-your-job money, so I hadn’t been looking at that, but one day’s winning would probably have paid off credit cards (boring, but nice), and then any extra would pretty much have been divided between helping my family, charity things, and travel. I am glad to report that things are not nearly as disappointing as they could be.

Yes, I do still have lingering consumer debt, and I don’t like that, but considering how things were in 2009 and 2010, this isn’t so bad. I have had to adjust to a different life, and I am getting there.

One thing that we really wanted was to bring Sarah on a vacation with us. She had come out for a road trip and we got snowed in. Hanging out was nice, but we really wanted to try a trip again. That is not going to happen. Also, we are trying to get the entire family on a cruise, and some winnings could have made that much easier. Those things are disappointing.

However, we are still taking trips. We found a way to get to Victoria, and Disneyland, and we will work out Mexico and the cruise, and many other interesting places. Honestly, the financial concerns with the cruise holdouts are probably not the biggest obstacles. The Sarah thing hurts, but we’ll do something else sometime.

For the charity stuff, my big things were the food bank, the toy drive, and maybe something for Plan (that’s the group my sponsored children are through). Well, there will be more on the toy drive later, it was good. Also, I remembered that we did have an extra paycheck this month, and I do have places to put it, but I took out some extra for gifts of hope, and let me recommend that by the way, because they can do some awesome things:

http://www.planusa.org/giftsofhope/

The Food Bank is kind of my local charity. I care about hunger, but there are lots of good causes and I could have gone with lots. Somehow, anytime I end up doing volunteer work it ends up being them, so when it was time for the United Way campaign last year, I chose them. This year, I was able to double my pledge. Don’t get excited with that—I went from one dollar a week to two. Considering the challenges Oregon faces with hunger, especially with children, it’s nothing, and yet it is something. I am giving something.

It helps me a lot to know that no matter what my problems, I can make a difference for others. I think I need to do one thing for Bonnie L Hayes, too, and then I will have to stop, but I am grateful for that extra pay period. It’s really good timing.

There was one thing, and it is actually the one that stings the most, but very important for the point it leads to. I mentioned that when I tried out for the very first time, our dorm’s RA and his friend went missing on the mountain and died. I told myself then that if I won, I would donate something to a scholarship or something for Frank. I didn’t get on, but each time I tried out I thought it again. Well, I finally made it on the show, and I can’t go back on, and there’s nothing.

That being said, I also know that their parents provided a generous endowment to the Outdoor Pursuits Fund, so there is a memorial, and it’s a good one, and it has been functioning for years without any action on my part. Maybe that one just wasn’t my job. And it’s hard because a part of me is like, so all I can do for Frank is remember him? Well, yes, apparently.

I do this thing that we call overfunctioning, where I want to fix everything for everyone. I will probably write more about that later, because I do need to get over it. First of all, it is often used to prevent the overfunctioner from having to deal with their own problems, and that’s no good, but also, fixing things for other people generally isn’t really possible or appropriate. I have friends whose kids have never been to Disneyland, and I would love to fix that, but it would probably also be too weird. I don’t want my giving to be a burden. Maybe it would throw off the balance of things if I paid off my sisters’ bills, as well as my own, and make things weird. (I have a few people who have promised to take care of me if they win the lottery, so that could be an issue, but I’ll worry about it when it comes up.)

It is helpful to learn and remember that it doesn’t have to be all me. If facing my lack of a windfall caused me to have to deal with that anyway, it became even more of an issue when illness knocked me out of commission for longer than expected, and at a really busy time of year.