It does get better

One thing that tells me that I am not thrilled about this next emotional journey is that I keep kind of putting it off. So yesterday I wrote about what is coming up, and today I am hedging by pointing out progress I have made from my past self. I justify it because, hey, I am thinking about it, which clearly makes it reasonable to blog about, and also maybe it makes it less depressing if I see that there is progress.

One of the things I don’t like about this is that I’ve been here before. I have blogged about how my self-image grew to be defined by my being fat, then how it changed into boys not being able to like me because I was fat. I have blogged about when repressing it stopped working, and I started having to feel things again. It’s old news now.

Well, apparently it’s not, since I don’t seem to be done with it yet, but going over the improvements that I can see at least helps me to feel better about that. Previous efforts weren’t useless, so still pathetic, but less egregiously so, for the win!

The first improvement that comes to mind is that compliments no longer cause me physical pain. I’m not saying that it doesn’t get a little awkward if people keep going on, but with a simple, direct compliment, I can say “thank you” and feel fine. Remembering how it used to make me squirm, that is a definite step up.

Also, I have stopped gaining weight. Sure, I haven’t really mastered losing it yet, but for a while I was going up pretty consistently, and that is no longer the case. I’m sure that is partly due to emotional eating being pretty rare now, but also I do pay more attention to myself, and take better care of myself, and that matters. Most of the increase happened without me really knowing, because I just knew it was bad and I did not want to know details, so I did not weigh and I did not really look at myself if I could avoid. That was not a good strategy, and I don’t do that anymore.

I have mixed feelings about this one, but I now ignore the needs of Attention Seekers. I am pretty much a classic People Pleaser, which I will probably get into later, but the kryptonite of a People Pleaser is an Attention Seeker. This is because they will take everything you have to give, and it will still not be enough (yes, they want attention, but it is not really what they need so satiation is impossible). I have gone from trying to help them to trying to avoid them and ignore them. They hate this. (Seriously, the main one I deal with would rather be abused than ignored.) So it is not my nicest trait, perhaps, but I am looking out for my own interests, and it’s only enabling them anyway.

In addition, I have never had as low a period as that one time, when I lost my ability to repress. That was weeks of alternating between barely holding it together and not holding it together at all, and that has not happened again. A really bad spell now is probably about four days, and that is rare, and even then I am better are being realistic about the situation.

I have a funny story about Julie now where she had been working on her temper, and one morning when things were crazy with everyone trying to get ready, I think Maria stepped on her foot. She had the normal pain and frustration, but there was this pause as the explosion was building and finally she shouted, “Well it still hurts.” And that was an improvement because she was not yelling at anyone, for what was totally an accident, even though the feelings were still there.

So, when I was going through that stage of extreme sleep deprivation and stress, I was down, but I was not blaming my family for it. I wanted to, but finally when I did snap I just said “I’m having a hard time right now.” Some of that is maturity, but the ability to remember things like that may also indicate that the low is not as low, or maybe it keeps the low from being as low.

Also, and this one is big, during the most recent low point I was able to successfully ask for what I needed, which was for people to get out of my face. I didn’t say it exactly that way, but I said something, and it worked. Being able to advocate for yourself is very important.