So why aren’t you married?

My sisters and I just got this question last Sunday, though it had been a while since the last time. It was well-intended, but it’s kind of a horrible question.

Actually, as part of a comedy set once I did a bit on the question, and my take on it was that really they are asking if you are gay (perhaps an exaggeration, but not completely untrue), and the best solution was to tell increasingly outrageous lies. You know, “I am married. I keep him in the trunk” or “The paperwork would disclose my true identity.”

Of course, it is always married people who are asking. Other single women find the question too painful, and single men probably know why you are not married, or they would be hitting on you. When a viable male asks me, and is really just checking to see if I like men and it is reasonable to proceed, then we’ll talk.

The most uncomfortable time when it was asked was probably also the one that was most valuable. I had assumed the reason that no one wanted me was that it was not possible for anyone to want me, and that should be obvious to all.

When you have this mindset, it seems like kind of a cruel question. Maybe if they haven’t known you, they think you gave up and let yourself go later, but often these are people who have known us for a while, so they should know that obviously we were never viable.

Anyway, I once ran into a friend’s father in a store and we had not seen each other for a while, and he asked me in such a piercing way, it was almost an accusation. That sounds bad. He wasn’t being mean. Clearly he thought that I should be, and it bothered him that I wasn’t. Perhaps I should add that my friend had died a few years before, and his parents will never be able to forget that life is short, and you don’t have a lot of time to mess around.

I gave some unsatisfactory answer, because I have at least enough dignity to not start screaming “How can you be looking at me and even ask that?” It shook me though, and I had to seriously consider that maybe it was not obvious. So I guess it’s just that we have issues. It’s as good a reason as any.

Other people have suggested potential reasons. One very religious friend suggested that my father’s actions have led him to be left without posterity. Okay, but I don’t believe we should suffer for that, and he would be anyway because we’re not in touch with him. (Though, you could argue that his method of raising daughters directly correlates to his daughters not being successful with men.)  Another friend suggested that there are some women who don’t get married because they are meant to serve others. I see where there could be some evidence for that, but I’m not sure I’m down with it. Yep, I just have issues.

Obviously I am trying to work through those issues. One idea that had recently occurred to me was that I would like to go through some pre-marital counseling materials, just to kind of see what people on the verge of marriage would be looking at. I would call this process “So Exactly How Messed Up Am I”, but in reality, those things aren’t all that exact. It would only be an approximation.

However, I have no idea where to find a good curriculum, and it will not be through a counselor’s office. Obviously I am interested in psychology, but there are a lot of quacks out there and I just don’t have the patience to deal with finding a good one. If I reach a point where I feel like I can’t get any farther on my own, then I will reconsider.

For now, as I am working on becoming this improved person, healthy inside and out, the odds of me getting married are nonetheless quite low, and that’s where we’re heading next. The upcoming content should start becoming a little more humorous and less depressing, especially if you are already safely in a satisfying relationship. If you are also an older single woman, especially an LDS one, it may kind of suck.