What was wrong with me

Maria has been very resistant to my love for My Chemical Romance, at least partially because I could not stop talking about them. I addressed this somewhat in the Geed/Nerd/Dork post. I have better control over it now. I may mention them once or twice a day still, but I’ll try and make it fit the conversation.

Anyway, at one point I was talking about them, and irritated her, and she turned to me and said, “You only like them because you’re depressed. You should let me hook you up with some Smashing Pumpkins or Morissey.” I replied, “That would make sense if I wanted to wallow in it. I’m listening to this band because they make me feel better.”

I had her there. Also, it was kind of a lie, because even if I did want to wallow in depression, I would not really choose the Pumpkins or Morissey to listen to. They are depressing, but I don’t like them. And I feel bad saying that, because they have both been influential for My Chem, but we covered all that in the Musical Chemistry post. Some bands just strike a chord, and other bands don’t, and sometimes someone is the right band at the right time.

As it is, there was one thing that had been consciously weighing on me, and one thing that was under the surface that needed to come out. The unrealized bit came up as I was trying to understand why I couldn’t just leave Jane dead, and I realized that historically, I pretty much always let couples get together. There was the one where the neurologist fell for the boxer with the aneurysm, and that ended pretty badly—I don’t know what happened there. I never really wrote it out though, so it almost doesn’t count.

I was thinking about why that factor was so important to me, and how romantic love was so important to me though still consistently absent, and it hit me that I am not getting married.

Now, I decided years ago that it was fine if I did not get married. I would still have a rich, full life, and that has been true so far, and there is no reason to think that it will not stay true. Despite that, I still had always thought that it would happen—eventually there would be someone. In that moment, it struck me that there was no reason to believe this.

I had sort of been coming to see that, and I had certainly been realizing that even if I do get married it will not be like I had always envisioned, because I would be getting such a late start. I hadn’t really dealt with it though.

I am very grateful that I had made that other realization, about life still being worthwhile, long ago, because that softened the blow, but it still stung. I had the series on marriage not that long ago, so you can read back on that, but there were things I was looking forward to, and I had to stop.

It didn’t affect the writing too much. I do still have a tendency to prioritize happy romantic relationships. I thought about the specific issue with Jane living, and had to think, okay, do you just always give your characters what you don’t get? Get your satisfaction vicariously through fiction? That didn’t seem right, but that didn’t seem to be the case either.

My concern was that in letting her come back it was making things false, and then as I was writing it, it did not feel that way. Ultimately I think the reason that it’s okay that Jane lives that time is because she still dies later, and so many other people die, including people who love and are loved. It’s rough out there in the post-apocalyptic dystopian future. That will lead into the other thing that was wrong with me.