Is this okay?

I said that I don’t like to repeat songs for karaoke. Part of that is that I like to try different things, and usually the second time I do a song I don’t feel as good about it. Perhaps it is commitment issues, though some of it also seems to be doing it in places with different levels of acoustic quality, which is an issue for me. I guess I also feel that it’s kind of lazy, though, or boring.

I had written some time ago about my love for My Chemical Romance’s “I’m Not Okay”, and my desire to try it, but being intimidated by it. I finally crossed that barrier in January, and it felt great. There is something about just letting loose on a song you love. I was worried about not doing it justice, and about killing my throat. It worked fine and my throat felt fine. I was not hoarse afterwards, which I had worried about. So that was a great experience.

The next time I went to karaoke was a few months later for Mel’s birthday. Mel was throwing a black party. I was trying to think about what to sing, in addition to trying to find something black to wear, and I just wasn’t sure. I did find a black shirt, solving one issue, but this was before I was telecommuting, and things were really hectic, so I didn’t have much in the way of practice time, and I couldn’t decide on a song.

I thought it would be good to do something with “Black” in the title. I considered “Paint it Black” by the Rolling Stones, and with practice I think I could have done it, but I didn’t get a chance, and also, someone else from another group (there were three birthday parties that night) sang it, so it was just as well.

The next obvious choice would have been “Welcome to the Black Parade”. It is the song that first drew me to My Chemical Romance, and it is a great song. It’s also kind of hard to sing, and I feel like a lot of the chorus is more Ray, which, hey, that part should be on the recording, but it would be easy to sing the wrong part, and I just chickened out and did “I’m Not Okay” again.

The acoustics are weird there, but it wasn’t awful, but I still felt kind of bad because almost everyone who was there in January was there again, which has not been the case for any of my other repeats, so I felt very unoriginal.

(Also, someone told me I was very brave to sing that song. I think he meant that it is like proclaiming myself a mess, but I could not help but wonder if he meant I was totally unsuited to it vocally.)

Anyway, there, I had now done the song twice, and I have never done any song more often than that. (Okay, I think I have done karaoke a total of ten times, usually singing only once or twice, so take that as you will.) Was it time to retire “I’m Not Okay”? I don’t think I can.

First of all, I don’t know that I am ever going to find another song that I love so much, and that means so much to me personally, and that I kind of can sing. It has been my anthem, and I don’t feel like it takes much courage to acknowledge that this song was there for me and has my eternal loyalty, even if I am not at the same point in my life now. It’s not just that the song fit me; it is that the song made me feel better when I needed it. Singing it felt defiant, and exultant, and so there’s a lot going on there. Just hearing that intro I smile, and I am not the only one.

Also, there are things about it that are helpful to me as a performer. I am not a great singer, but there are some things I can do better than other things, and there are some things that are easier to pull off. With “I’m Not Okay”, I don’t necessarily do a great job on the first two verses, but if I can pull off the middle, where you are rapidly changing volume and getting faster and finish strong, that works—people forget any weaknesses from the beginning. Also, it is in the middle where I do my tribute to Ray Toro.

I don’t have a favorite member of the band; they are all my favorites. Sometimes I think Ray is the one I admire the most musically, because he is just phenomenal, but the others are no slouches, and yeah, I really just love them all as musicians and people.

That being said, Ray is the only one for whom I can do any reasonable tribute within a song. I can’t make crazy eyes like Gerard, and I have tried that clicking motion he makes with his hand on “photographs”, and it doesn’t work for me either. If I try and get down on the floor like Frank, I am not getting back up. And Mikey? I am not sure what would be the best way to pay tribute to Mikey, but if it involves suddenly going without glasses, I will not turn magically hotter—just blinder.

(Seriously, that was an amazing transformation. The first time I watched the “Black Parade” video I was like, “Who’s the new guy and where’s Mikey?” And you would think having those questions so closely together would make the answer obvious, but no, I had to check to see if there were any changes in the band lineup before I figured it out. But it was glasses and hair!)

Well, my hair is not going to get styled in the middle of a song either, but my hair is what makes what I can do possible. I can, as that guitar kicks in, take out my pony tail, and shake my unruly curls as I bang my head up and down, and that’s all I can do, so that’s what I’m going to do!

Of course, doing so is dangerous. It gets me a little dizzy. The first time I nearly fell on the way back to my chair. The second time I thought I was doing all right, but as soon as I sat down I knocked a wine glass off the table and it just shattered. Of course, in a way it thereby gives me my most authentic karaoke experience, because I don’t drink but I can still get impaired just like everyone else. It’s really the whole experience, and this song is my jam.

But, you know, I’ll at least try and rotate other songs in and out, for variety’s sake.