Picking up where we
left off, not being in control is a big fear for a lot of people. They may fear
a threat to their economic or social position, it may be a somewhat altruistic
fear about the harm that will come to others, or it may be a gnawing fear that
something that doesn't fit into their worldview will bring their world
crumbling down.
I've known a few
control freaks, and they are very unpleasant. They do get their way a lot, but
there are still limits to what they can make happen. It doesn't look like they
even enjoy what they do get that much, because there are always those things
that persist in not being controlled, and what they do get is so much work.
I frequently refer
to the people I have become connected to via Twitter, and my worries about
them. This is very much an area where I am not in control. Even as I come to
understand more about eating disorders and self-harm and related issues, a lot
of that is learning how powerful and how insidious they are. These take deep
root and they build in behaviors that protect the disorder. Even if they did
not have these issues, they would still be teenagers, and have a retort for
everything.
I cannot fix their
problems. I also cannot be there every time there is a problem. I need to sleep
sometimes, and to sometimes be off line. There have been times when that has
been pretty stressful.
At the same time, I
have learned that I don't need to be there all the time. If I miss a cry for
help, I will often see that maybe four or five others have stepped in. There
are lots of caring people out there, and that is good to know.
I have seen that
even though I can't make them believe that their weight is fine, or that they
do matter, or that things really will get better, I can plant seeds that may
eventually grow into something. "Maybe" can be a powerful word. And I
have seen that sometimes just a distraction can be enough for the moment, or
that sometimes the thing you say actually hits home, and there is this strange
sense of disbelief, but also relief, that something worked.
And, I have learned
that even when nothing you say helps, that suicide attempts often fail, and you
can get another chance. That sounds like cold comfort, and I don't want to talk
about it too much, because I don't want to be the one who tells them how to be
more effective. Still, when that happens, I will take it.
More than that, I
will take my understanding that there is life after death, and that there is a
plan in place where people can continue to learn and grow and that even after
death that they can be healed. I take comfort in knowing that there is a
progression, where if they do live they will gain maturity and perspective, and
being miserable now does not mean they will always be that way. I take comfort
in the many good and kind people out there.
There are a couple
of other things that have been comforting to me too, and they may actually get
more to the heart of the matter. About a year and a half ago, I was writing
about music and other things, and I kept having this nagging and irrational
thought of troubled kids. Well, I thought of them as teens with bad parents,
and it isn't always that specifically, but teen angst was pressing on my mind
despite a lack of any teenagers in my life. And then they came to me in droves;
more than I could have possibly expected.
Also, at just about
the time that they started coming to me, I was thinking about planning ahead,
for Halloween and for my birthday party, and for my birthday party I felt moved
to just invite everyone and accept chaos. It didn't end up being that chaotic
really, but that feeling that it was important to not shut anyone out, and to
not micromanage, but to let things happen, was strong.
I am being led. I
don't know the twists and turns along the way, but I do get the preparation
that I need in a timely manner, and I choose to stay open to that. The only
thing I control is my own actions, but that doesn't mean that things are out of
control.
And I can never
doubt that any of it is important.
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