More often
than you would think, I find myself exhorting young girls not to lie to their
therapists and counselors. It's not because the deception keeps the
professional from having the knowledge to help them, because frankly hearing
their experiences has not really bolstered confidence in available mental
health services.
It was more
a realization that they were already too disconnected from hiding too much.
Every lie they told reinforced that what they really thought and felt and
wanted didn't matter. It didn't mean they should tell everyone everything, but
it was important not to lie. So refusing to discuss something was fine, and I
may have at times encouraged telling the professionals that they were doing
lousy jobs and that the things they were suggesting were stupid, but that
whatever they said needed to be true.
Honesty has
been a recurring theme this year, often by its absence. The lack of honesty has
been an issue in politics, and comics, and every social issue, because refusing
to look at things with a clear eye is often what allows the perpetuation of the
issues, so honesty is an important thing that we do for society, but I am also
recognizing it more as an important thing that we do for ourselves.
This
probably sounds like I am beating around the bush. That is partially true. I am
nervous about doing a bad job with my overarching theme for the week, but also,
making these connections is important. Looking at the big picture, it makes
total sense that we need to be true to ourselves. There are countless examples
of how lies erode and corrode, so it makes sense for me to apply that where
we're going now, and this week is going to basically be about sexual harassment
in comic culture. Some of my examples will go beyond that, but my solution is
going to be centered around conventions and events. And I am nervous because
there will be many opportunities for people to take offense, and if they must
they must, but I want to at least write clearly enough that nothing is
misinterpreted.
One of the incidents
that has led to this series of posts is written up pretty well here:
There is
quite a bit more to the story, because the harasser has come forward, and
apologized. There were some deficiencies in the apology, and apparently some
patterns, and that probably goes more with tomorrow's post, but one thing that
really had me thinking was this:
"We
get the hell out of there. I vent to my husband. We drive to my friend’s house
and I vent to her and her partner. That evening, I distract myself with comfort
food, wine and an engaging movie, and hope that I’ve gotten past it, but six
hours after the panel has ended, I’m sobbing on the couch, feeling helpless and
self-loathing.
I hate
myself for acting like everything was fine, for not standing up for myself, for
letting him disrespect me in front of all those people. Thirteen hours later,
it’s the middle of the night and I’ve woken up in a rage. I’m not over it. In
fact, I can’t think about anything except how victimized I feel. How there’s
nothing I can do about it now."
That hit
home. I know from my own experiences that when I have let others disrespect me,
it haunts me, and when I have stood up for myself, I have felt proud. Sometimes
there was really no difference in how the people were treating me, only in my
reaction. What I have decided years later was that when I played it off or
ignored it, I was essentially giving these people permission to abuse me, and
so I believed what they said, and internalized it.
I was not
thinking, oh, it's okay for them to do this, but at times we are taught that
words don't mean anything, or that people respect you more if they can't get a
rise out of you, and various other things that sound good but don't take the
psychological cost into account. If you are female, you are taught over and
over again to be nice and not make a fuss.
There are a
lot of things that I am willing to suck up without complaining. I can work long
hours in uncomfortable conditions, and I can clean up disgusting messes for
loved ones, and I can let someone be very annoying if they need a listener and
I accept a role in fulfilling that need. Those all have purposes where there is
a good reason for the trade off. I'm not sure we do a good job of analyzing the
choices involved in accepting some things.
So, the
first way I could offend someone is if this is taken as victim-blaming; that is
not my intent. MariNaomi handled a difficult situation with dignity, and when
that did not feel like enough she has been brave and open about the experience. I will not criticize her for that.
It is in that open communication that we have a description of one big cost to
the current attitudes, and the current normal.
Often
reading about comic culture, or gamer culture, and probably several other
cultures that I am not going to get into, there are costs that we think about
more than others. We do think about how overall that makes things less
pleasant, and it reinforces a lack of diversity which has creative costs, and
makes it harder for talented people to succeed, but right now the cost I am
thinking about is personal. I am thinking about how women take abuse, and shrug
it off, and are then left with this lack of resolution, and self-loathing.
What I am
saying that is possibly different is that I now understand that self-loathing
as being a result of feeling complicit in one's abuse. We can take an honest
look at that, and reasons why it was logical and that may be helpful. We can
also decide that speaking up is important, and figure out the best ways of
doing that. But first, we also need to take an honest look at the other side of
it.
I do
ultimately believe that the truth sets us free.
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