Allies

"Ally" is a fairly loaded word. The context in which I am using it is for someone who supports a marginalized group but is not a member of it. Where it gets loaded is that there are a lot of ways of doing it badly. I started thinking of doing this post because of an exchange I saw not too long ago, and it feels like a good fit for yesterday's post.

The original exchange was on Twitter, with someone trying to get acknowledgment from an activist and it ended with a disbelief that it was not possible to help. While the points leading up to that were aggravating, I did sympathize at the end with the feeling of frustration. To want to help, and feel like you can't, is rough. It's also unnecessary, but there are some obstacles to be gotten over first, and I hope this can be helpful for that.

If I may reference Suey Park once more, she had a tweet about this last month, with seven tips:

"1) decenter 2) not about feelings 3) don't tone police 4) don't get defensive 5) don't demand education 6) self educate 7) change behavior"

https://twitter.com/suey_park/status/440566744042590208

That may be enough for a lot of people, but I've got examples and stories to go with it.

The first thing is that you need to chuck your ego out that door. It is not about you. That covers the "decenter", but it affects feelings and defensiveness too, and often the defensiveness centers on tone.

The exchange I mentioned at the beginning, if I recall correctly, did two things that happen a lot. One is an attempt to self-justify, and get acknowledgment that you are good. Many people will get angry when they don't get that, but this moved to another common issue, with asking for education. Tell me how it is, tell me what I can do.

Those may sound reasonable, but it's overlooking a lot. First of all, of the activists that I follow, they have full-time jobs, or they are in school, and they have families, and all of the normal responsibilities of life. There is also the activism that they do, which takes mental and emotional energy, and often things will suddenly get really frantic without a lot of warning. In addition, it's really common for them to get abused.

The threats and trolling means more to wade through, and add to that the mental and emotional stress of being told over and over again how ugly and stupid you are, and that you should be raped, and they will do it, or that your children would be better off dead with you for a parent, and they know where your kids go to school.

Those things happen, and worse things happen, said with worse language. That takes a toll. In light of that, obviously it is wrong to also task the activists with protecting your fragile self-esteem, and reassuring you that they know you are not like those other white people. Obviously they should not be responsible for taking your education in hand, especially when there is so much information out there. They often have web sites and Tumblr and blog accounts, or you can just watch their threads and see what is being said, and learn a lot that way.

I read something in an advice column, where I think a child of a cancer patient needed support, but felt guilty sharing her pain with her parent. The answer was that support needs go outward. For a very simplistic example, the patient can get support from the immediate family, immediate family gets support from extended family, who can get support from friends, and that way you are diffusing the pain rather than concentrating it.

If you get rid of your ego, then you're not going to be constantly offended, or need to abuse someone whose statements make you uncomfortable, or display a messiah complex. And, honestly, if you want your ego gratified in the fight for social justice, you are bound to be disappointed. First of all, as we have already covered, it draws a lot of abuse.

Also, it goes slowly. The Civil Rights Act, and the Americans with Disabilities Act, and the Lily Ledbetter Act happen, but also Citizens United happened, and George Zimmerman's acquittal, and the Affluenza defense, plus the Dupont heir getting probation. All of those are contribute to "angry" being a possible, legitimate tone, but they are also reasons I need to have a rich, full life for myself.

I do learn a lot from various feminists of color, but I do that by following what they are already doing, not making them stop for me. I don't ask them to reassure me that I am a good person, but I need to know that for myself. So, if I have things bugging me from my past, or things I don't want to think about weighing me down, it's my job to deal with those, and it ends up being a good thing, for me and for everyone else.

You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you start helping the people next to you. That's just how it works. That may mean stepping back. I don't have a smart phone, which has a downside, but the upside is that I have times when I am truly disconnected. Whether I am reading in the living room or in the kitchen making dinner or out taking a walk, or sleeping, those are all good times. If something important happened while I was gone, I can probably catch up.

And then you find ways you can help. You can offer support and encouragement when you see someone is having a hard day. You can contribute financially to Marissa Alexander or Shenesha Taylor. You can keep track of how your local judges pass sentence, and vote accordingly, or if they are appointed, make your views known to the one who appoints them. When someone makes jokes that are not jokes, you can say you don't get it, and let them explain why that is funny.

We can talk about feminism and anti-racism and they are real, but there are strong class and economic factors that are closely related and that affect on multiple levels. So you can tutor or help start a community garden or fight pollution, and it can matter.

My special thing is keeping an eye out for depressed teenagers on Twitter. It is not glamorous, and it can be stressful. Yesterday, two were talking about attempting suicide within a few minutes of each other, and one is now in the hospital. But sometimes things sink in, and sometimes they listen, and it fits me. With my personality and schedule and abilities and who I am, this is where I need to be. That may change at some point, but for now it works.

(Also, my blog occasionally helps people who feel something but don't know how to say it.)

So, in summary, I am saying get over yourself, and then take care of yourself, and then find out how being yourself allows you to best help others, which may sound somewhat messy and contradictory, but that is life, and it can be very beautiful.