This section: Overall arc

Back to the big paper, there were some words that did not really belong in any of the columns, but they had an order of their own.

Don't cry - Shame - Fat - Can't be loved - Can't trust/Dad/Driving

This takes the basic events and wounds and puts them in order, with an assumption that they built upon each other, so that it is probably important to heal them in order.

Honestly I am not sure that they are in exactly the correct order. The different events that pounded into me that no one wants to hear about my problems did happen very young, but are they the reason for the underlying sense of shame, or was it there because of something else and then clicked in with the crying? You suck and that's why no one wants to listen to your problems.

I mean, I do know that I was ashamed of being fat, but looking back I sense that the shame was already there. I do know that the last crying-related incident (which was my brother offering me the candy bar to placate me) was about the same time I was learning that I was fat, which seems unfortunate.

With the slashes it is probably obvious that the messiest one is the driving thing. I do think it became a lot harder for me to trust then, but at the same time I can't swear that I was particularly trusting before, and my relationship with my father had problems before. Still, along with trust and issues relating to men that are almost certainly related to my father, driving is an actual problem.

Obviously I should have been taking better notes when I was growing up. Regardless, we're here now, and maybe it's because of the foundational relationship that I felt impressed by when looking at chakras, or maybe it's because I still have such a physiological reaction against driving, it feels like I need to address the earlier wounds before I can address the later one. Or maybe I will just need to work through the panic. That is also a possibility.

The good thing is that I feel like I have made a lot of progress on the shame thing. I believe I am better about knowing that I have a right to be here, and that I do good. I normally think that, and then I may have a bad moment with my family and it is amazing how low I can sink emotionally, except I still seem to have a better understanding that these types of conflicts are not necessarily a reflection on the worth of any of the participants. That's an improvement.

I still don't really love crying in front of other people. I think one problem with that is that I am so different from the rest of my family. The things that upset me, and the way I deal with them, are different, and so it's harder to feel like I am "normal" - as loaded a word as that is.

I do express myself a lot via the blog, which might be helpful, but it does tend to be more intellectual than emotional expression, and it is also out there for people to choose to read or not, which is not quite the same as opening yourself up to another person and having them accept that.

Dealing with my body size does directly relate to various things in the columns, so if that is the area that really needs to be addressed now, then the points I have mapped out are probably on track. I think the next two posts are going to address where my mind is about my body more.

With believing I can be loved, I am not sure what will be needed there. For example, I have adjusted my thinking now, where I can look at specific things and see cases where I believe there was a mutual attraction or caring. That is probably progress, but since even assuming that I am right, it was not important enough for them to act on it, does that make it less powerful? Also, do I actually need to have a non-platonic relationship to really be healed there, or is just knowing that I am capable enough? That is assuming that I am capable, which I have not really established. Some of the things that are coming up will address that too a little, though I might need to be done dealing with my body before I can get there.

Then after all of that we can see if some of the driving fears have faded away, or if it is still going to be really difficult. I am not opposed to doing something difficult if that is the case. It just feels like it needs to come last.

So those are the areas I will be keeping in the back of my mind while I am working on the problems, wants, to do list, and remembering books.