Asking

Wednesday I asked people for things.

It was only two people, and both of them had previously demonstrated a willingness in that area. That should have made it relatively low-stress, but my primary sensation was nausea. I don't know that I could truthfully say that it was hard, because I decided that I needed to do it and did it really quickly, but yeah, then I felt gross and wanted to throw up.

I'm writing about it today because it relates to the knowing my own worth part of the Wants list.

When I wrote out those lists, I was still employed. Money was tight, but at least it was coming in regularly. I remember the last time I was unemployed, and it had never been harder to feel like I was worth anything.

That makes trying to figure all of that out at this particular time seem insurmountable, but it also becomes more necessary, and I am more stripped down to the basics. What do I have other than myself?

One thing that has been stressed for much of the job hunting is the importance of networking. You need to reach out to people and be in contact with them, and you are asking things of them but they are also asking things of you. That has been hard. I am not sure what I have to offer.

One of the Wednesday contacts was building on an attempt to network. I have had a few people in mind that could possibly be helpful. An actual request to network with one person fizzled, with another it seemed better to ask if they could read one of my screenplays and give feedback.

With the third, I was looking for an agency referral and that wasn't working out, so I added a screenplay reading request. He said yes immediately. It may not result in anything, but at least getting the "yes" felt good, like I am not a terrible imposition.

The other request was harder. I did some extensive editing on a friend's novel. She had offered to pay me, but I pushed that to the back of my mind, because it's a favor for a friend, right? I wasn't doing it as a professional. It was also a significant time investment and I need money.

I asked about that, and I believe I will get some money for it. That won't solve everything, but it certainly won't hurt.

Beyond that, historically I have been someone who gives a lot. Some of it is helpfulness and generosity, which are good traits. Some of it is also a pathological need to earn a place for myself and compensate for being the wreck that I am.

Here's the thing: if my doing actual work is something that can be compensated as work, then the mere existence of me as a friend is enough, without any extras. That's not a smooth way of saying that. It's okay for me to just be me.

That seems to be correct.