Out in the world

The last two posts seem to go toward addressing my concern about being able to give.

That was on the Wants list, and it was under "Be financially secure", so even back then I did understand that the two were not inextricably linked. There are many times when I would like to provide material support and can't, but the intangibles still have value and I have gotten some reminders of that.

There was something else that happened a while back that can tie in to all of it: the emotional giving we do, the fact that it may not result in a lifelong bond, and also to street harassment.

I was at Beaverton Transit Center, having just gotten off the train. I was waiting for a ride, but there were many people waiting to get on the next train. Among them I noticed a Black woman.

Actually, I noticed her hair, which was really cute. I do not believe in my ability to accurately describe a hairstyle, but I will try. It as all in short (maybe 3-inch) corkscrew girls. There may have been some layering. Her hair flared out a little around the ears, then came back in, which I want to call a "wedge", but I don't think that's right. There was some gray showing, and it just looked really good on her. It suited her well.

I felt like I needed to tell her. That required moving closer and getting her attention, and so seemed fairly awkward, but the feeling was strong. I got closer, made eye contact, and told her that I loved her hair.

She was surprised, and thanked me and told me it was the most natural thing she had ever done, then her train came and my ride came and it was a very brief encounter.

It stayed with me past that because of her response. I think "natural" meant two things. One is the whole thing about good hair and natural hair, and I don't know what she has put herself through before, but I know that Black people, especially women, can face a lot of criticism and abuse for that. I think the other part was letting the gray show, which is an admission of age.

There are many racist and chauvinist things that could be unpacked there, and I'm not the best person for doing it. What I took away from it is that it had taken some courage on her part to choose this style.

I am still working on my feelings that it should not require courage to look like yourself. There are a lot of things I hate about that. Where the incident fits in this week is that just by being open to people, seeing their good qualities and humanity, we can back each other up. But I had also written about street harassment, which is sometimes excused as just trying to pay a compliment.

Again, I am not the best source on this. I don't get out much and I break some of the attractiveness rules for women, so it doesn't come up a lot. However, every now and then I have been complimented by a man I don't know, and every time it has been followed by him asking me out.

This is not harassment; they were all respectful and did not turn threatening when I turned them down. However, those compliments do seem to lack selflessness. So, if you are only paying compliments hoping for something in return, this may not be the love that the world needs now.

I only mention this because some people really resent when their attentions are not welcome. When I am saying that we can help each other out, this does not include any pressure or intimidation, or recrimination for a lack of proper gratitude.

You would think that would go without saying.