Choosing our engagement

Last weekend I did something for only myself. I thought today I was going to write about that, but I think I need to spend some more time on the choice issue.

Let me back up and explain something. I cashed out my 401K in December. I did it because my unemployment has run out, because there has not been any job that is good enough to make it worth leaving my mother alone, and because my income for 2016 was so low that the payout won't screw up my taxes as much as it would have doing it in 2017 (assuming that it was still necessary, which I do). So I have some money again, though I need to be careful with it, and yet I am still doing some un-careful things.

Next week I am taking my mother for two days in Disneyland. That does not sound like a necessary expense. It was an idea I'd had for something I would do once my financial difficulties were resolved, so it's been percolating for a while. Then I realized I can do this now.

I have been thinking that it may turn out to have been a bad idea, or a mistake, thinking that at some point this money will run out and wondering what will happen then. The thing is, future suffering doesn't automatically make a choice wrong. Maybe the future suffering will come anyway, and the past pleasure will make it bearable.

On one level yesterday's post came down to a decision to march one week later, because if I can only have one Saturday free I am choosing the more racially progressive group. There are actually a lot of other choices in there. Do I march at all? Will it be effective? If I can get a free Saturday should I spend it doing something that recharges me?

We are at a horrible time in history. The current president has been fond of applying the word "disaster" to others (he has an issue with projection), but that seems like the best word for this. He is moving quickly, neither half of the legislative branch seems inclined to check him, and between the terrible but true things and the outright lies, just keeping up seems impossible.

A situation so dire calls for drastic measures, but it can be hard to know what to do or how to focus. It may feel like the personal needs to be subordinate to the political, but that is not right either. This is a time for balance, and a time for choices.

Some people are encouraging more volunteer work. That is fine, but won't be enough. There needs to be activism too. However, it probably makes sense to pick one or two areas to focus on, instead of everything. It doesn't mean that you won't sometimes see something outside of your chosen area and make a phone call or attend a meeting. Because keeping up is so difficult, let the impossibility free you and choose what you can.

If you are not sure how to choose, I can suggest a few options. One would be to pick the item that has been your hot button before. For my sister Julie, it's the environment. For me, it's anti-racism. This does not make us enemies.

You could also choose based on what fits into your life and proximity. Maybe you know someone who is already working with homelessness, and you can start making connections through there. Even if you are choosing your hot button, finding a few knowledgeable sources is going to be valuable. There are people who have been working at this all along. Learn from them, and give them support because they are probably tired.

Nothing is so dire that it means you should neglect your own needs. This administration is exhausting, but people were getting tired out before that. Lots of people are overworked and underpaid, and the means of information overload are all around. Adding one more thing sounds impossible.

Setting limits helps. The most important limit may be news and screen time. If you find that hearing his voice makes you ill, that's a good reason to not watch the TV news, which frankly repeats a lot. You can switch to online sources. At the same time, having a constant news scrawl on view can make you nervous and irritable. Maybe you need to keep your phone out of sight for most of the day, and pick one nightly news show.

Look for creative solutions. Maybe you need social connections, but can't find time. Make time. Pick a TV show and watch it together. Rotate weekly dinners or do potlucks. We are all going to need friends.

And if this feels like a time to spend more and save less, because there might not be a future, I wish I still had arguments against that. I don't. I will say make your purchases count, because accumulating more junk doesn't increase feelings of wellness or comfort. Experiences can. Shared kindness can. There are many good choices available, but they may not follow the old logic.

Please note that's not exactly nihilism, or I wouldn't be suggesting activism. It all has meaning. This is still a very dark time.