Surprisingly good

I finished my assignments from Beauty Sick  this weekend. They ended up being pretty affirming.

That was not a surprise so much in itself - they are designed to get you looking inside, and a lot of the pressure that is harmful to women comes from focusing on the outside. However, because I have spent so much time doing that already, I didn't expect anything huge - been there, done that, you know? Perhaps I should have guessed that if it felt like it would be valuable to do them it might indicate there was something unexpected there.

The first question I did was "What kind of person do you want to be?" I knew immediately that I want to be a person that helps, and I want to be strong.

Last Monday I wrote about feeling weak. I have been strong in the past, but I don't feel that way now. That feels like it has a negative impact on the amount of help I can give. I am barely holding myself together currently. At the same time, that meant that I basically wanted to be me, just with better resources. That could be worse.

Then I remembered that recently I'd had two friends call me needing someone to listen. One literally called while I was talking to the other, so I had to call her back. I still helped both of them, solely by listening.

Recently on Twitter someone (I thought it was Sydette, but I can't find it) was posting about how that can be enough - not solving problems for someone else, but merely holding their problems in your hands while they catch their breath. I can still do that.

I have been pretty open about this not being the greatest time in my life. Even so, there are accomplishments. I can also acknowledge that a lot of what is draining me now is that I am helping others. Maybe tired isn't exactly the same as weak.

It was something to realize at a time that is so stressful and discouraging - when there are so many areas when I feel inadequate - that I am whom I would choose to be. Yes, I'd like to have more money, but if I had been the kind of person that was accumulating it, maybe I wouldn't be me anymore. I still don't know how all of this is going to come out.

The beauty audit was helpful in a way that I didn't expect as well. I know there are areas where minor changes could be helpful, improving my general level of attractiveness. It appears that I don't care.

I am looking at some ways to make addressing the most pressing issues more convenient, like keeping cuticle cream in my purse. Still, that is because my cuticles are bugging me right now, not because anyone pays any attention to my cuticles.

I had thought that doing beauty things for me could be validating as a form of self-care, but they still can't be nearly as interesting to me as things that would result in better rest or better nutrition or relaxation. That works too. Better health and happiness can deliver a beauty boost, but it's for me, and not for anyone else.

It is not my job to be attractive. What I do need is what I am already working on.

I may not be quite the wreck that I always feel myself to be.