Down and out

I'm not sure if I'm all the way back.

Technical and life issues made blogging a challenge. It still is, actually, but I intend to write more about the technical and writing issues tomorrow. Today is more about how it fit in with the other challenges.

On Cyber Monday the price of a book I had wanted went down from $11.99 to $3.99. I arranged to give cash to my sister to buy it through her account, but Amazon is weird about e-books and it accidentally went on her work card, and I had to call to get the transaction canceled after lots of online attempts and it was very frustrating. I missed my window of opportunity and the next day the price was back up.

I was utterly destroyed by this $8 difference, but as wrecked as I was, I knew it was excessive. I had always been planning on paying the $11.99 at some point. I think there were three factors, though one of them stood out more to me as I was trying to be rational about 8 bucks.

The factors I see more clearly now are the humiliation about needing help from other people to make a simple purchase (which made it going wrong worse), plus all of the effort of trying this part of the site and then that part and then waiting on hold. Time and energy are precious to me and I spilled plenty of both on that attempt to save a small amount of money.

For back then when it was fresh, what stood out most was knowing that the less you have the more precious everything becomes. That is not just for possessions like books, but for "wins" -- for the sheer ability to want something and successfully get it.

Something else had been rankling from a week before. There was a karaoke night scheduled. I love karaoke, and I don't get to do it that often, so I was really looking forward to it. We were helping my brother move in the afternoon. but he thought that would take an hour in the afternoon. Okay, I know things like that are likely to take longer than you would think, but I didn't allow for all of the things that would go wrong, and how late we would be. I didn't make it.

That shouldn't have been overwhelming in itself -- it's just one night -- but there was no knowing how long it would be until the next one. It's worse in that now there is another one. It's for February which is a very short gap, so that should be good, except that I find I can't RSVP.

It's not my certainty that I am no fun anymore (based on the stress I feel when asked how I am and the weird reactions I get when I can't answer like a normal human being). I also have this nagging fear that something else will come up. I will think I am going and be wrong again, and space is limited so it matters.

Certainly plenty of things have gone wrong over the last two years, but my hesitation to commit to fun may have been exacerbated on Boxing Day.

I wanted to go see Christmas Lights. I convinced my sisters to go to Maddax Woods, and they had even agreed to go to the Victorian Belle, though that fell through (that's its own frustrating story there). Realistically I thought there were two things I could bus to, that were still open after Christmas. I had someone to stay with Mom. I had the bus fare and admission for the Grotto, and a route that would take me to there and Peacock Lane. I just didn't count on the weather.

It wasn't bad over here, but far on the East side of the river, the wet had refrozen. I started to worry a little at the 82nd Max station, but that wasn't too bad. Getting off the bus, though, a small walk to the corner became really dangerous. I was so close, but there was no way I could get there without falling. At least it didn't feel like I could. Maybe that was just intuition preventing me from risking it all for nothing, because when I got home I learned that they had closed due to the weather anyway. I had not known that when I left two hours earlier.

And that is how long it took to get there, so that was a lot of time on TriMet for a whole lot of nothing, except for remembering how many others have it worse. On the way back I saw a woman cradling a teddy bear like an infant. I guess it could have been worse, because I think she was using it to calm herself, with some success, but it felt like there was a deep hurt behind that. Then we passed people lining up outside a shelter for food, and I saw a man head under a footbridge to take shelter for the night. I guess it might offer enough of a screen that no one would try to rob him or tell him to move along, but you can't tell me that it's not cold and damp.

I suspect that seeing those things should have reminded me that I don't really have it so bad, but I still felt terrible about my own problems, to which there was added a reminder that I am a selfish monster for caring about my petty problems, and also a sadness for them, and my own inability to help.

Speaking of things that should be helpful or inspiring but just made me feel worse, some people did help me.

Birthday fundraisers have become a Facebook thing lately. I have at times thought about crowdfunding, but I could never bring myself to do it because there is always Puerto Rico, and homeless people, and people who are unemployed and have kids. But when my computer died, I posted that if I were going to do a birthday fundraiser it would be for me, and I included my Paypal.

Three people gave to me. That was good of them, and it was touching, but it was also just another reminder of how pathetic and miserable this is. I used to be the helper! And it should be a reminder that we all have our up times and down times, and if some people are helping then it must follow that some people need help, or at least can use help, but that is not how it feels.

I took down my birthday. First of all, you can't set up a fundraiser for yourself via the normal Facebook process; there has to be an existing charity. So, even if I had felt capable of shaking down my friends, I couldn't do it that way. Mainly, though, I could not bear the well wishes, and thanking people or liking the posts and all of that acting like there is something to celebrate.

Birthday wishes are big for me. I try and never miss them. I have kept sending other people wishes, and for the people who knew the date anyway and messages (I also shut down posting on my timeline) I thanked them, but the normal thing would have kept me cringing all day, or off Facebook, except then it would just be there the next day. That was what I did to stay functional, even though doing it seems to indicate a certain emotional frailty.

At least I am no longer seeping stress out my back. (That is a different story, perhaps too gross for sharing, but it was a big factor in not being able to tell people I was fine.)

Anyway, that's an overview of what has been going on. I intend to write more tomorrow, as I said, but it might not happen. A lot of the past month or so has come down to questions of what is a sign to fight harder and what is a sign to give up. On the 30th I tried the Grotto and Peacock Lane again, and that time it worked. I still haven't RSVP'd for karaoke. The value of blogging should be made more clear tomorrow, but sometimes you have to give up valuable things too.

However, I will be putting my Paypal link at the bottom of every post.

I have thought about putting ads on the pages many times, especially lately. It seemed likely that I would just slow the page down for everyone and pick up 40 cents out of it; what would be the point? I could never bring myself to do a paywall, even if I had a big enough audience to make it worthwhile. I know what it's like to be the person locked out.

But if there has been some value in my words, and if you have the desire and ability to give, yeah, I will remind you that there is a way.

https://www.paypal.me/sultryglebe