Prioritizing

A few people reached out to me after the "breakdown" - most of whom I didn't reply to, though I still want to.

Actually, one of my real concerns about this time of life is that I will permanently fall off of friends' radars. It would be fair, because I have not been good at keeping in touch. There have even been times where I tried and I sent messages out to people, and they were like "Long time no hear!", and then I didn't respond to that. So, if it happens, it was me, but I hope that won't be the case.

Anyway, I did respond to one friend, and she took me for a small hike in the general area of tomorrow's Turkey Trot, giving me a chance to get the lay of the land, and also a chance to unload.

I was able to talk and hike for all but the last upward stretch. I am not sure if that was because it was steeper or accumulated tiredness. Among all of the things that I wish I had more time for, I wish I had been walking more, but I am still doing pretty well and I'm just going to take it.

I had been thinking already that I should probably try and get two respite breaks per month so that I don't reach the breakdown phase. She thought I should go for one a week, so that I have something I am looking forward to every week.

I have toyed with that idea, because then maybe I could alternate having social times and alone times. I have also dismissed it as being too hard to work out, and then considered it as a good possible target because if weekly is my aim that should greatly decrease my possibility of going a whole month without respite again.

All of those viewpoints have passed through my mind after our walk. During the walk, we were focusing on her thinking weekly would be good, and me thinking it was impossible. My justification - which she questioned - was that this is temporary. I will not be caring for my mother forever. Her needs are acute. Mine are... I don't think "obtuse" is the right antonym for that; maybe they are just more slow.

I kept thinking about this later, probably because she had pushed back (though that was more on the relationship issue, which was also fair). I likened it to triage; it makes sense that my needs can wait. Then I remembered that sometimes the criteria for triage decisions would be not just the urgency, but whether any real benefit is possible. Then maybe she wouldn't come first. If she has a few years and I have many, and I need to care for myself now to be able to enjoy those years, then what?

Of course you can't always know. In my darkest moments I imagine all of this stress building into a cancer inside me that takes me out shortly after my duties are done. That is morbid, not really aligned with my medical history, and kind of insulting to people who get cancer, though that never occurred to me until after I read Susan Sontag's Illness as Metaphor.

Without knowing the future, I do know me. I know what I believe about life and afterlife and how I feel. I know that to feel good about my decisions, I have to take good care of my mother, and try and make her life as good as possible. I also know that she forgets things, and resets. I still believe more good times and better engagement matters. But if I can be healthier - physically or mentally - there is also a value to that.

Yesterday's post was largely about receiving clarity. Today's is more about getting more muddled. Perhaps I put these posts in the wrong order. It is ultimately more to think about.

I have accepted an evening engagement for this Saturday. Not long ago I decided that I wouldn't do that. I didn't think about it when I said "yes", but I don't regret it. I don't know that I will do it often, but if there is one thing you learn with dementia, it's living in the moment. I have learned a lot about that.

And there is still a lot I don't know.

But Saturday I will see friends. Tomorrow I am going to get fresh air, and accomplish something I have wanted to do for a while. Although there will be a lot of people around, it will still be kind of a getaway. And I will be getting up early!

There are totally a few things that could go wrong, but I am not focusing on that.