Help Wanted

I don't know how long being a caregiver will be my life, but at my core that is probably something I will always be. That's okay; there is a need for helpers out there. I don't need to change that about me.

I do need to change the part where I keep prioritizing everyone over me, and where I care for everyone but me. That is a problem, and I haven't made much progress toward it. I think I know what I need to do.

I have never been good at asking for help. That goes back to early feelings about what I deserve and trust issues. Asking has never been easy for me, and it feels like the next important step. Specifically, I need to ask people to take me out.

As a family we have gotten better at working out respite time, but that is generally me in a park or a restaurant or on the bus reading. I need some of that, but I need company sometimes too. I need to feel liked, and like I can be enjoyed sometimes. I need to feel like I might have something interesting to say other than updates about how our mother is doing. I need to be not just her caregiver.

Sadly, I was never super-smooth, socially, but this has taken a lot out of me. I have become very isolated, and I am strained all the time. Sometimes when I do get to interact I hear how harsh my voice is, but I can't change it. I have to put so much patience and gentleness into my mother, I might run out for other people. I am prone to crying jags. I am angry a lot.

This cannot possibly make me sound like a good time, which does not make asking any easier, but I've still  got to do it.

Can someone take me out once a month? It can be to eat or to bowl or to drink hot chocolate or play a round of mini-golf or listen to live music or watch something that I want to see on Netflix, because I do not have Netflix. I will probably not have money or transportation, though I can often make public transportation work. It just takes longer.

I know, I'm a catch.

I am not asking for one person. I think if I can get four, then each person will only have to take me out every three months and it distributes the burden some.

It hurts because I had friends that I thought might have done this. Even now there are people who will say we should get together, but then they never call back, or the sticking point is that I am only available on nights or weekends, and their kids do activities. I get it, but it doesn't help with those trust issues or feelings of worth.

I also need someone to take me to the temple once a month.

I know I will have to start asking soon, but a few volunteers would really be nice.