Sharing the news

I bet you thought I was going to post yesterday; I certainly thought so!

It was a busy day, and a lot of the things that happened were good. There was also some computer trouble, which is concerning, but life goes on, except when it doesn't.

Like many I was shocked at the sudden death of Kobe Bryant. I have also had some concerns about how the story broke. It sounds relatives were notified before the story broke. I hope that's true. Even if it is true (I'm not sure that I trust TMZ for ethical decisions), rumors were flying around - including the erroneous announcement that Rick Fox was on board (he was not). That was irresponsible and unkind, and I am sure it came from desperation to break story and goose ratings.

Without saying that it doesn't matter, I have also come to the conclusion that there is no good way to find out.

I actually figured out several years ago that there is no good way to lose your mother. One friend had lost her mother to cancer after dealing with it for a while, and another lost hers suddenly to heart issues. It was pretty clear that the elimination of some pain only leaves room for different pain. With dementia we get to do a lot of mourning along the way, but we have no illusions that it will mean less mourning at the end.

Recently some plans with friends fell through, but we had still arranged care for Mom, so my sisters and I went to do errands. We ended up talking a lot in the car, and it was good. There was a time when I thought we didn't have very long left, and Maria periodically likes to call me out on that. She did it again, but I had an answer because I have been thinking a lot. We got to get stuff out, and ask and answer with a level of freedom and openness that we often don't have.

It allowed me to ask one thing that has been worrying me: how do you want to find out?

Because I am our mother's primary caretaker, and often alone with her, it could happen while they are at work or something. There is not a good way to give the news, because it will not be good news. Do you want a call or a text? They didn't know, and I don't blame them.

I had this thought once that maybe a text asking them to call would be the way to go, but then thought, no, they would know that's what it was. Then I thought, no, it could be something else, like a fall or a hospitalization. Then I thought, what if I text all four siblings to call, and then they call at the same time so I am having a fraught call with one and then others are calling in and can't reach me? That won't help anyone! It might not be very likely either, but still.

One thing I have done is come up with a putative list of who needs to be notified, and in what order. For Mom's nieces and nephews I  can message some via Facebook and some via e-mail, but I will definitely not post to Facebook until all of those messages have been sent. Then they will help notify each other, and that's fine. It's more about keeping communication open and bonds strong.

I have a sense that it is morbid to be thinking about this so much (and then on a completely different level that maybe these posts should go on the preparedness blog). When there is so much that we can't know - and believe me, forgetting that she is deteriorating is out of the question - then being able to make a few points solid is kind of comforting. It reassures me that I can handle this, and that we will be okay.

The other thing that frequently comes up when people are talking about death is that life is uncertain, so remember to tell people you love them and not waste time.

It's not quite as uncertain here; we know we have already lost pieces of her, and we know that will continue inexorably until the end. That could be a reminder to show love and not hold resentments, but it is also incredibly stressful, which leaves room for resentment.

The gift that has come from thinking it could be soon has been remembering to work through things, show love, and give her good times in any ways that I can. There was a brief period where she would frequently threaten to get a lawyer to figure things out, because of things that she was worried about that were missing or not real, but felt real to her. It would have been terrible to lose her then, when there was so much hostility coming from her. It was not easy being on the receiving end of that.

Now we have been dealing with it for a while, and it is easier to conceive that it could go much longer, even though there would be frequent changes within that. Now the gift has to be learning how to do the marathon: how to keep going, how to maintain the ability to keep going, and the patience with that.

Maybe that's not so much a gift as a need, but I am socializing more, and that is a gift. Maybe sometimes it is more about the perspective.