Death-ics

One of the frustrating parts of my mother's deterioration is doing one recommended thing and then finding that it is not enough.

For example, everyone said it was important to have durable power of attorney papers signed. We did that. Then I went to a presentation on living trusts that pointed out all of the ways in which durable power of attorney would be insufficient. We filled out paperwork for the POLST (portable orders for life-sustaining treatment) registry, and then I was told that advanced directives are much better.

As it is, one of my better memories in all this was going over the POLST information. I remember at the time realizing that despite the memory issues my mother was already having, as we went over this she understood the questions and was making her own choices. I have paperwork for advanced directives, but I don't think that would be true anymore. A lot has been lost.

(Realistically, we have so few assets requiring estate management that I think we will be okay without a trust. We're certainly below the estate tax threshold.)

I am sure a lot more people are thinking about death now, but it has been on our radar for a while. The final death may not happen any time soon, but with Alzheimer's disease there is a long period of many losses, and many things mourned all along the way. That has taken a toll, but I still have a strong desire to do everything right.

"Right" is a loaded word.

Legally, we have as much paperwork filled out as is likely to happen. I think it will work. I suspect that the family being on the same page is more important than the difference between POLST and ADR. It may still get tricky. We said "no" to ventilators at a time before Coronavirus. I'd rather it didn't come up, it would probably still be the right decision, but it makes you stop and think.

Here's the one that is almost funny: Mom has always hated the idea of cremation.

I have always believed it is because of this kind of superstition that our church doesn't believe in cremation, which I recently learned was common with a lot of different churches. It's not common for the churches to be against cremation, but it is common for their members to think their church frowns on it. So I believed her logic was faulty, but nonetheless, if that was the way she felt, I would have to honor it, even though burial is much more expensive and complicated.

A few months ago we were having a discussion that was not even specifically about death, but cremation came up, and Mom said it was fine. Okay, great. We're off the hook. But is she still in her right mind enough to say that and have it be meaningful? I don't even know.

Previously I had thought our final decision would ultimately come down to money; now I am hearing about mass graves and funeral homes being backed up, and I don't know again. Things are always kind of uncertain anyway, but they are much more uncertain now.

That is not even our most controversial issue, and we may have even less control over that one.

More on that next time.