The ironic thing about learning that Mom is really into dancing now is that shortly before that happened I found myself thinking that I wanted to dance.
I'm sure it was part of a greater desire for fun, but it was strange that dancing was what came to mind; it had been such a long time.
It's possible that giving up the music reviews was a factor, in that I missed connecting with music. However, maybe how long it had been since I'd danced was the point.
One of my great joys after I turned 14 was church dances, once a month at the Beaverton Stake Center. My last two terms of college I took Ballroom dancing, and loved it. I never saw the tape of my final (a tango), but I was told that I did something with my shoulder that embodied elegance and grace. That is one of the better compliments I have gotten. Also, remember those ward talent shows where I performed stand up comedy? I also choreographed three different dance numbers. (There was almost a fourth, but we had creative differences.)
If even longtime readers don't know about my enjoyment of dancing, well, I had lost touch with it myself. Letting go of things that were for me had been a key feature of my life.
There are different factors that fit into that, but what I really need to write about is losing myself and depression. They were not the same thing, but they sure didn't help each other.
I have definitely been depressed.
I've been reluctant to say that, feeling like it would be taking something away from those people who have brain chemistry working against them. Being sad isn't the same as being depressed, I know.
Now I worry that when we focus on brain chemistry and medication for that, we are not paying enough attention to the life circumstances that may be negatively affecting the brain chemistry. I worry that there are people being helped some by medication that could be helped even more by therapy, yes, but also things like living wages and fair housing and an equal and supportive society.
Yes, I see that medication is simpler.
After college I didn't have anyone to do ballroom dancing with. I could have gotten into line dancing, probably, but that was rife with country music. Sure, popular music had gone downhill, but I wasn't that desperate. Dancing just became less of an option, but there were still other things to do.
What mattered more over time was the increase in responsibility and decrease in support, which also was a big factor just as I as graduating from college.
So as money became worse and my mother needed more, this was over a pretty long time period, but it made a difference. It made a difference in how well I cared for myself, and how much leisure or recreation I could find, and it did in how I valued myself because of how I was prioritizing other needs over mine. It certainly did after the layoff, because how could I have a right to prioritize myself when I wasn't even earning money? Income is the surest sign of virtue in a capitalist society.
Here are some things that were important about that:
- I knew I was doing the right thing in focusing on caring for my mother. It was impressed strongly on me at the start, there were many confirmations during, and the fact that no matter how hard it was that we never lost the house or went hungry... all of that confirmed for me that I was doing the right thing.
- There were grace notes here and there that sustained me at different times. I noticed these things, and our survival, and I practiced gratitude for that.
- I took lots of training and participated in a study about support for caregivers so I was very aware of the things to do and watch out for.
- I will not deny that it took some effort, but I did work out respite with my sisters, and my cousins on my mother's side have been endlessly supportive emotionally, even if they have not been able to help physically.
- I had good friends who remembered me and regularly checked on me.
Despite all of that, I was depressed. I had many things pressing down on me, and getting out from under them felt impossible.
I wasn't able to pray it away, despite praying a lot.
It is wonderful finding these parts of myself again, where I am laughing naturally, or singing again. I haven't broken into a dance number, but yeah, I kind of forgot that I used to sing a lot more.
I don't know if it would have been possible for me in my circumstances to do better. Like, could I have remembered to sing more, and to keep doing things for myself, with no other changes in circumstances, just me being more conscientious? I don't know. There is a limit to how much anyone can do.
Now, if we imagine that more equal and supportive world, with better health care and Universal Basic Income, I know I could have done better than that. Whether that would mean that I would still have a 401K or that I would not need one, I am not sure, but I could go for either. Could my A1C not have gone up two points? Because that would have been nice. Not having gone into foreclosure twice would have been awesome.
It is wonderful to find myself being kind of cheerful again, and terrible that what I needed to be cheerful was my mother out of the house.
Knowing that I was doing the right thing, and that I am still trying to, is good and I would not be doing well without that, but nonetheless there has been damage to my health and credit rating but probably not so much my social life... there is a lot that needs to be rebuilt.
Part of that is even figuring out what I am supposed to be doing now, and can reasonably manage to do.
For all of those years doing customer service and document processing, the dream was always to be a paid writer. I have written a lot, and the odds of earning money for it have gone way down. I am not even sure that I am good at it now, whereas I was relatively sure before. But beyond that, even if that's what I want to do, how do I get paid? Because I don't think I can bear working in a call center again.
Job hunting is a cruel and discouraging process.
The encouraging thing is I still like myself, at the end of it all. I was too exhausted to remember that for a while after, but I see that again.
What do I do with that, precisely?
Having been led thus far, I have to believe that a way will appear.
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