Caring for my family, and myself

One thing that changed during the 2008 to 2010 period of unemployment was that I started cooking. 

I had gradually taken over holiday meals after I got back from my mission (I had learned something about cooking turkey, and I wanted to try it). I also cooked about once a month for potlucks, but I had never taken on the daily grind of it. 

Since I was home and everyone else was working, it only seemed right to take over. Mom had lost her enjoyment of cooking a long time ago (picky kids didn't help, but the critical husband was worse). That became a thing, where even on the days where I was working, I would plan something that could fit into the time constraints. 

I kept that up when I started the new job, and when I started telecommuting it was even easier. I was working, but also able to help supervise Mom, who was still pretty functional at first.

Being laid off and deciding to focus on caring for Mom felt abrupt, but really this transition had been happening for several years. I was switching over to caring for her more, and her needing it more.

Previously so much of caring for my family had been about the money that I made and what it could buy; when the money stopped, the caring didn't.

Care giving is my nature. That is something that I have learned over this time period.

As much as money helps -- I cannot stress how much of a difference it makes -- it is not the only factor in the care you give.

Accepting my overinflated sense of responsibility was not easy. Recognizing it took taking in another relative and trying to accommodate him. It also took getting into shouting matches to affirm the value of what I was doing. 

It was good that it became a choice, and a calling, rather than a way of compensating for all that I perceived to be wrong for me, but that change was inward.

During my time caring for my mother, I could never doubt that doing so was the most needful thing. 

That we have survived it -- against all logic -- was a huge faith builder. 

There is one thing lacking yet; I have never been good at caring for myself.

Just taking that time and making that effort... it is much easier to do it for other people. 

I have a bad tendency to give myself a lot of assignments anyway. Adding things to do just makes me feel tired; them being for my benefit has never been a big enough motivator in the past. 

However, it is clearly something that I need to do.

So I am going to be working on that for a while.

I do have other things to write about, as well as what I learn from this next phase. Right now I need to go in hard on the School Board Elections, deadline May 18th. This is not a switch to fully political yet, but maybe it will be the case of another gradual transition.

However, there is one thing that I appear to have figured out last night. 

I think one reason I drive myself is this idea that I will be able to stop and rest after I finish these projects or reading lists or tasks, even when I have seen a fairly well defined set expand in process over and over again.

Even seeing the value in the journey -- which I have and do -- I still want that completion and destination and finality.

It appears that I have to accept that as a myth.

This means that pushing to get done doesn't even make sense.

Tomorrow I am taking the day off, even though I without a regular job or caring for Mom, it might be hard to define what I am taking the day off from.

I am taking a day off from being me, I guess.

I am still bringing a book.