The awkwardness of progress

As wonderful as it was to cast off some old fears, that quickly led to a phase where I felt higher than normal frustration about the things that I still don't have down.

In addition, as I go over other prime events, declaring them resolved gets trickier.

For example, the next crisis chronologically -- after the depression over Reed (even though it was not really about Reed) -- is the job loss that occurred in 2008, right around the time the world economy crashed.

I did not go into a full depression, but I was not happy. There was some definite growth and understanding that had come out of it, by the time I was gainfully employed again. However, here I am jobless again.

Did I really learn everything I needed to?

Is there something I'm still not getting right?

Also, at the end of that one depression I did understand that my belief was wrong, and it was not impossible for someone to love me. However, I am still not in a relationship; it does feel like some additional progress should be possible.

I'm just saying, things are messier now, a result so typical of life.

The life phases that I think are significant are the unemployment from September 2008 to August 2010, getting onto Twitter and starting to look out for depressed teenagers in late 2012, getting laid off at the same time my mother required more care in 2016 (the other depression comes in here), and some mutual but fraught declarations of love in 2018. There is a lot in there.

As I think about them, I start to wonder about the times in between. In 2000, but more between 2005 and 2008, I started getting to some places I had always wanted to go. After my novel kept getting rejected I gave writing a break, but in 2008 I started writing sceenplays.

Are there some lessons in getting to things you want to do?

After I got hired in 2010, that cleared up one source of stress, but another tsunami of stress came forward. By the time that was all resolved, I was pretty burned out. I had to have one dream come true (going on Jeopardy!), and then be disappointing (I lost), and then go on another trip before reawakening kicked in, but when reawakening did kick in, it was glorious.

Twitter was a huge part of that reawakening, and then it brought on more stress. Worrying about so many people with eating disorders and self-harming and suicidal ideation... I took that to heart and there was some aching with that. It was also a part of my understanding my own value, and a part of building friendships, and a part of seeing the good I could do.

Even though that job in 2010 was a relief and did help, I had still lost ground financially; there were a lot of things where it was very hard to keep up. I had just gotten that under control when they laid me off. I had one month of feeling pretty stable.

There is all the psychology I have read since becoming a caregiver.

And, there is this time here, now, where my responsibility seems to be just to me -- which would be fine if it paid -- but somehow we are still surviving, even if it is always just by the skin of our teeth.

It does feel like it is winding down. Maybe there will be another resting period, where I can travel more and write creative things. 

Maybe I can go on a date again; the last time I did was 2011.

At least I am feeling optimistic.