I wrote about my job yesterday because when I was job hunting I remembered a time when I could always get the job that I wanted. I would apply to other jobs, but I had one in mind, and I would get that one.
When that was not happening this time around, I started wondering if the problem was that I didn't know what I wanted. Then I started thinking about something else, leading to the realization.
That realization needing its own post and all of this intro is because this is going to be so shocking and difficult to believe, but if you bear with me, it will make sense:
I think I might have been able to have any boy I wanted.
Please understand that I am not in any way trying to say that I was hot or popular or sought after. I am sure I would have noticed that. Besides, while I understand the apparent appeal of such a thing, I suspect it would be quite stressful.
However, for being with the person that I wanted to be with, I did really well. They liked spending time with me. They were down for spending more time with me. I didn't appreciate it or grasp it at the time, but yeah, I did okay.
I maintain that I have been in love three times, with three honorable mentions.
In love = On my first (known) contact with them there was this bell/lightning bolt/recognition.
Honorable mention = It wasn't as dramatic but I did feel drawn to them.
The first of the honorable mentions was really only borderline, but every time I think I shouldn't include him, I feel guilty. He was right before the first time I fell in love, and I think things were different after that.
When other men have hit on me (at least so that I recognized that's what was going on), there had not been that thunderbolt, so I wasn't interested.
This may seem impractical, but when I have talked myself into liking someone, it has always gone badly. The ones where it hasn't been my intent have all been people that I only grew to love more, and enjoyed spending time with, so I have to feel like it works for me.
I get that if I were less comfortable with being single, that might not be a workable system, but as it is, I am fine. This is probably why the mere thought of trying online dating feels annoying and exhausting.
But when all of my senses go off, this is going to be someone that I can connect with, and appreciate, and really enjoy.
Even before that, when it was just boys that I thought were cute or nice (and I say boys because I mean younger ages, and this should not be interpreted as anything dirty) the boys that I wanted to play with wanted to play with me too.
When I was talking with a classmate online, and it felt like it was leading to a date, we did go on a date. It turned out that we didn't have enough in common to maintain a conversation, but we still went.
In between the play dates and dates set up via Facebook, boys I really liked at dances wanted to spend more time with me, and then I thought I should cut it short so they wouldn't get tired of me. I hurt one's feelings badly, and the other one was engaged the next time I saw him.
That fear of being annoying has been a problem all along. It did get in the way with the ones I really loved, or who would at least get an honorable mention.
I don't regret it too badly. I think getting some self-esteem earlier would have been great, but I like the person I am now.
As much affection as I have for my first love, I think we could easily have killed that by dating. My second got really bitter and angry when he started having career problems. Maybe if we had been together, I could have supported him and it would have gone better, but maybe it is better that we didn't. I don't regret the time we did have, and if I can ever do anything for any of them, I will.
Moving forward (the only thing that you ever can do) I accept the evidence that is there: I can attract the people I am attracted to. I am no worse than anyone else, and no less worthy of love.
And things not working out will not break me; knowing that is also very important.
Six years ago I wrote about not wanting loneliness to be a problem. I didn't know if that meant being better connected and not feeling lonely or if it meant making peace with the loneliness.
I did not consider that part of the loneliness was that feeling of connection being impossible, and the self-sabotage, and how isolating that could be.
I am exactly as unattached as I was before, but I am not lonely.
Related posts:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/10/this-next-section-wants.html
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