Before I get to my father, I need to talk about someone very different from him: Fred Rogers.
Back in 2018 when Won't You Be My Neighbor, the Mr. Rogers documentary came out, my sisters and I went to see it in the theater.
There was a question that really unsettled me because I couldn't answer it. Then, after the movie, my sisters asked me about it because they couldn't either.
I would sometimes think about it and try and find the exact quote, but I never could. As I started writing these last few posts, I could not stop thinking about it. I streamed the video and played and paused that part until I had the whole thing down.
It came just before the ending, and I think it was edited for clarity, so there are some ellipses. This is how we heard what affected us so strongly.
“From the time you were very little, you've had people who have smiled you into smiling, who have talked you into talking, sung you into singing, loved you into loving...
Now think about somebody who's helped you along the way. For one minute, I'm going to time you... Let's just take some time to think of those extra special people... Some of them may be right here. Some may be far away. Some may even be in Heaven. No matter where they are, deep down you know they've always wanted what was best for you. They've always cared about you beyond measure and have encouraged you to be true to the best within you.”
They showed different people who had been interviewed throughout the film, thinking, and then sometimes saying whom they had thought of. Most of them were teary, but smiling too. The last three they showed were his two sons and then his wife, and she just said "Thank you" and then it went into the credits. (Though there was a great addition during the credits.)
My memory had been about there not being someone that I could just count on and trust completely, which is not exactly what is says, but is implied. It felt wrong to not be able to think of someone, kind of awful if there wasn't, but also kind of awful if there had been and I'd never noticed.
Looking at the words now, as they were said, sure, there have been people who have helped me along the way, but there is so much more love implied in the rest of it. What it seems to be getting at is someone who cherishes you, and I don't think I have had that.
Again, I do not doubt that either of my parents loved me, but being able to feel it matters too. That's what was lacking.
That my sisters couldn't answer either at least makes it not just me.
I will be spending more time on parental trauma, but there is something else about Mr. Rogers: I didn't like his show that much.
The movie talks about his quietness, and how it shouldn't have worked. I liked the faster, louder, funnier shows better. My favorite was The Electric Company; I really only watched Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood for the puppets.
I see more clearly now that you need quiet times for learning and growth, but it can also be really uncomfortable. That pain that needs to come forward, well, it's coming forward: Shove it away! Away!
More than a decade ago I was blogging about my life and how after my father disowned me the first time (that will come up next week) I threw myself into a ton of activities and work, unable to be still.
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/club-sandwich.html
In retrospect, that may have started earlier. In fact, I did sit quietly all the time reading, but reading can be a great way of avoiding your own life. It doesn't have to function that way, but it can.
There was a gift that Mr. Rogers was offering that I was not ready to accept.
I think I have made some progress now, but it was a long time to wait.
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