Don't Ask, Don't Tell: 1994 - 2011

When Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed in 2011, I remember it being a big deal, with people finding it to be a good step forward.

I did not disagree with that, but I had remembered its passage being a step forward also; I don't remember that being mentioned much.

Let me back up. When it actually went into effect I was on my mission, and I don't think I heard anything about it. What I remember was the discussions that were leading up to it. I remember it so clearly because one of the people I knew at college was interviewed on the local news.

Michael and I were not particularly close, but we were friendly. He was interviewed and he wanted to watch the segment, so we went to watch it in Shelly's room -- she had a TV -- and then we talked.

This is assuming I am remembering the details correctly, which all these years later is questionable. I think he was in the Navy, and he left, or at least didn't re-enlist, because he was gay. After being out for a while, he wasn't necessarily interested in going back, but it would have made a difference to him before.

I don't know how the station found him to interview him. I remember very clearly a different person with the same name writing into the student newspaper very irritated because now everyone was thinking he was gay. If you saw the story, they looked nothing alike, but people...

I am pretty sure he was graduated by the time I got back to school (most people I knew were), so I have not seen him since. I still remember that footage of him walking across campus, and being in the dorm room together talking... those images are vivid.

There were gay students at my high school, but I did not know they were. The Oregon Citizens Alliance was actively campaigning against "special" rights for gay people while we were there, and there were plenty of reasons to keep closeted.

College was the first place where I was finding people who were out and proud. Getting to know them was its own education. There wasn't any recruiting. It would feel condescending to say that they were just people, humans... of course they were, but much of what I had seen before had painted them as these horrible perverts.

No. That's not how it worked.

Here's another memory. I got on Facebook in late 2008. Reconnecting with many of the guys from school, they were frequently teasing each other about being gay: lots of Brokeback Mountain jokes. That gradually faded away. I remember mentioning it to one of them when I saw him in person. I think he said something to the effect of having to grow up sometime, except it was not just that. Believe me, he has the potential to still be very immature. However, at one point it became real to him that there are gay people with real feelings, and using their identity for cheap jokes is gross.

It seemed we had successfully moved from a world that would support domestic partnerships if they were not allowed to call it marriage and where you could be a gay soldier as long as you didn't talk about it to a world where gay couples could get married in any state, individuals could serve in the military openly, and straight men could relate to each other in ways other than humorous homophobia.

I wanted to write about this because I think it illustrates how well public opinion and legislation can work together. Before Don't Ask Don't Tell, there were gay rights activists focusing on unfair military dismissals. There were Pride events and demonstrations. There was the AIDS quilt. There was determination against the counter-programming.

I understand why people rail against incrementalism, but it is easier to make continued progress in the right direction than to have to keep fighting the destruction that gets wreaked so quickly and deliberately.

It had looked like we were past all that, but then you get transgender rights being targeted and "Don't say gay" and book banning and even young people who are gay getting mad about leather at Pride and the use of the word "queer".

Dominator culture doesn't let up, and so we can't let up either, regardless of whether or not we are the target. For one thing, they will keep narrowing definitions, because there always need to be more people to oppress.

But, also we should just care about each other. 

In many ways, the children of my generation are better, being supportive and inclusive and a lot of them have great support from their parents. 

It is not an excuse to get lax. Some of the worst people in the world are working very hard. 

What will we do?