Grief and anger

I want it to be “no”,
But I know it's “yes”.
I had hoped for more for you,
then regret that you've reached infinity.
Logic fails, but memory will not,
and may not always feel like grief.

I am angry and sad. 

Back in November I wrote about going through e-mail messages. There were a few replies to direct messages from the previous year, where I was worried about losing contact and not having told them that they meant something to me and I cared. I didn't want to leave that unsaid.

One of them, Shafiqah Hudson, "Sassycrass", has died.

I think our last Twitter exchange was agreement that if I have food, you have food, because that discussion of Swedish hospitality had come back.

I know our last e-mail exchange for sure. I was reminding her that I was not far away, and if she needed something to let me know. She assured me on a few things she did not need help with -- at least for the moment -- and I replied with a few more things that I could possibly do.

That was February 1st. February 16th I saw that she had died the night before.

One of the last thing I offered was that I always have extra KN-95 masks. Those can be very important, but of course what she needed most was to not have had COVID. She had it three times, and that pushed her blood pressure up badly and kept it there, wreaking havoc with her system.

That is a big part of my anger, but there is another aspect to it as well.

 

There have been a few deaths over the years on Twitter. I engaged more with Shafiqah then the others, but you can still admire someone's caring and wisdom and feel their loss. 

 

There were two others who were Black women. We had commiserated together over one of them, and then all of these memories keep coming back.

 

I am angry that Black women keep paying the higher price, and being expected to do so.

 

I am angry that she had to ask for financial help getting to medical appointments. Many people benefited from her work, and never reimbursed her in any way.

 

I am grateful that Trudy collected her work into an online repository:

 

https://t.co/xx7yY6WvFU 

I am angry the she faced medical racism, along with the weaknesses in medicine that have come from ignoring women's issues for so long.

I am angry that so many people have given up on fighting COVID.

 

I am angrier that so many Americans gave up on fighting it when they learned that it affected people of color more, so that even being careful on their end is not enough.

 

Wear a mask!

I am angry that COVID brought back Tinu's cancer, and afraid that she will lose her fight too. 

I am angry and I am tired and sad.

 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/11/connected.html