The gift of vulnerability

It's the last day of the year and I have no recordings to share.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/12/a-gift-of-song.html

I did do a test file. While I might grimace at the quality of the singing, the real issue is that the application I was using, Voice Recorder, does not save the files in a way that would be easy to upload anywhere.

There are many other software options, including a reasonable amount of free ones, so that isn't a huge obstacle. However, I left it too close to the end of the year to not be rushed. Then Mom had a fall and PGE didn't get the check in time. Those things are all worked out, but they took up a fair amount of time and a significantly larger amount of emotional bandwidth.

The idea is not dead. There is a certain amount of annoyance that this means either posting Christmas songs far past Christmas, or waiting a long time to get to it, or posting other songs that I don't feel as strongly about.

There are also other things that I had been thinking about, like that maybe that "Wear a damn mask!" post should have been a vlog, or helping my sisters with some videos for their Poshmark closet, or even that for my schoolwork there are some ways in which it could be good to have some recording experience.

It may be more to the point that there seems to be a bigger trend going on of me being confronted by and having to be open about my weaknesses.

I had mentioned in a Sunday post having to ask for help with the electric bill. It was hard, but it was only after that I started seeing some progress in my job search.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/12/the-things-you-have-to-do.html  

I needed to write about it on the blog, which was one thing. Then the check didn't get there, hence needing to call and verify dates and sort out whose names on are this very old account and tell perfect strangers that I have not been working. As part of that process, it also became something that I shared with other people at church and here it is in another post.

My sisters and I sometimes joke about there being no dignity. That does not feel like exactly what this is, but it does feel like if there has ever been any veneer of people thinking that I really have it together, that simply must be eradicated. 

I don't know. I guess what people usually think is that I am smart. I am smart. It has not made my life go smoothly. The current path seems to involve my needing to ask for help more, which is hard for me.

I was wondering if it was because pride was a problem, but that didn't feel quite right. 

I am sure that can be a factor in not wanting to ask for help, and maybe has been. There has also been this thing where I have felt such a need to compensate for everything that was wrong with me, and not annoy people, and prioritize everyone else.

I have made progress on those feelings, but there is some progress yet to make. Getting there is painful and confusing and uncomfortable.

But if that's what I need to do, then I want to get it done.

I had asked if there were any requests on Facebook for the upcoming year. One friend mentioned missing the daily selfies. 

I think this year, with this incoming administration and trying to get through school and almost certainly my mother's death... I anticipate a rough year, and I do not expect to look good.

That sounds about right. 

El Salvador: Hispanic Heritage Month

One of the books that I read for the Hispanic Heritage Month two years ago was What You Have Heard is True by Carolyn Forché.

That recounts experiences that Forché had in El Salvador when Leonel Gomez Vides (a political activist, but that is such an understatement) showed up at her door in 1977. He needed a poet to bear witness to what was happening.

It sounds like a such a strange idea, but it was a fascinating story and I felt like I wanted to know more.

I think it was also influenced by that being around the time I watched Machuca (2004). Father McEnroe's story was based on that of Father Gerardo Whelan. While his story is different, learning about him and about El Salvador combined to make me think of Archbishop Oscar Romero.

I started thinking I should watch the Romero (1989) movie. What You Have Heard mentioned a documentary that had to be The Houses Are Full of Smoke (1987). Then I thought I could read more of Forché's poetry and try and learn more about Vides.

Most searches on Leonel Gomez Vides bring up stories focusing on Carolyn Forché, but I did find an interview with him from 2003:

https://dc.suffolk.edu/moh/21/

When initially reading What You Have Heard, I remember being sure his work would get him killed. He was interviewed in 2003. While he did not create a perfect situation, there were accomplishments in El Salvador.

That in itself is amazing.

For Forché herself, I read four of her poetry books and a collection of photographs from El Salvador that she had worked on, showing the reality of the conflict there.

Gathering the Tribes 1976
The Country Between Us 1981
Blue Hour 2003
In the Lateness of the World 2020

El Salvador: Work of Thirty Photographers 1983

I have put them in chronological order, though that was not the order in which I read them. 

While there are some themes and language usage in Gathering the Tribes that carry through, I feel like her work got better -- maybe it is more accurate to say deeper -- after the time she spent in El Salvador.

Shouldn't something like that change us?

My thoughts at this point may appear a bit random.

One thing that struck me was a story of ears that had been cut off and they were dried up, but at least one was put in water and unfolded. It was an act of intimidation. I was told the story in around 6th grade, I think, but I remembered it as being from Cambodia. It was mentioned in at least one of Forché's books, happening in El Salvardor. 

Did I remember wrong, did the teller tell it wrong, or did it happen more than once? I have no idea.

As hard as it is to make good changes, there are times when it happens. One person can do significant good, but they generally need some help. Vides' interview is interesting for that as he gives credit to other people who were helpful, and those who weren't.

Then, about The Houses Are Full of Smoke...

First of all, I had not realized that when I was looking for it and saw three parts, those parts were each different countries. There are also parts on Guatemala and Nicaragua, but I only watched the part on El Salvador.

It is old and out of print, so I was watching a not great copy. A lot of the information has been known for a while now, where it probably would have been shocking then.

I'd almost say it doesn't matter now, except the thing that struck me is how easily some people lie. 

Well, I still see that, except they do it with a lot more smirking now.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/02/hispanic-heritage-reading-catching-up.html

A gift of song

Some time ago -- years ago in fact -- I mentioned the possibility of at some point making some songs of the day that were my songs.

I have written several songs, though "written" is a strong word.

There is a way in which it fits. I have written books and screenplays and blog posts and poems and scripts for graphic novels. Writing comes naturally to me and some concepts belong to certain forms. Sometimes there is music.

The way calling it writing doesn't fit is that I don't have a very good ear for figuring out the right notes. Even when I have an instrument to try picking it out on, I can never make it sound right. So I write lyrics and remember the melody. 

(I do have a surprisingly good memories for tunes.)

I also love music passionately. I am much better at appreciating music than performing it.

I do not doubt that I could get better with practice, but there are just other things that I need to do, especially including reading and writing. That's my thing. There are other people where music is their thing. That's okay; I can be happy appreciating them.

There was still always this idea that I should do something with one song that was very much a Christmas song, and also a realization that I have a few other Christmas songs. Well, one is really more of a solstice song, but close enough.

So while I have not generally thought of doing so with the other, not Christmas-related songs, the idea of at some point recording those few and putting them out there has been pretty consistent. 

As December rolled around I would wonder whether this is the year, except...

1. I am not a good singer. Sometimes I can sound okay, but it is not reliable.
2. I would not have the ability to have any instruments accompanying, which makes it even worse than my occasional karaoke participation.
3. I am not even sure how I would get it recorded. I haven't recorded a sound file for at least six years.

I would then think that maybe if I prepared a little earlier I could ask some friends to help. I do know a lot of people who are good at music, and own instruments and even record on a regular basis.

I did not do that this year, but doing it this year still feels imperative.

I suspect the reason is that I need to be okay with doing some things badly.

This is something that I care about, and feel is important, but where I also feel inadequate and unprepared, and where I know other people could do better. I am afraid that is going to be a very apt analogy for me for the next four years or so.

Before this year is over, expect some daily songs written and performed by me.

That is pretty vague. There are a few questions that I still need to resolve.

There are two songs that are definitely ready to be sung, and two that need a little work. 

Of those two, I need to locate the lyric sheet for one of them. I think I know where it is.

For the other two, I really only have the chorus for each. I kind of know how the verses would go, and working on them might be a nice creative way to finish the year, but I am not sure.

In addition, while I was able to update my Soundcloud login, the three files that I did for this class I took on music therapy -- which I believe published correctly at the time -- now show as the upload not having been completed. Would that work? Should I try Youtube?

As you can see, with this level of readiness, trying to rope in other people was never more than a pipe dream.

I remain much as I have ever been, but I will keep trying things. 

Maybe next year I will dance for you!

Cuentos! Hispanic Heritage Month

I was all set to call this "Olla Podrida".

That is a Spanish stew that came up a lot in crosswords. I started thinking must be kind of like hodgepodge, which started as a British stew or soup.

As olla podrida seems to be more of Spain -- rather than Latin America -- I was questioning whether it was really the best option, but then this post took on a theme, becoming less of a mix.

There were originally three books. 

Frizzy, a graphic novel by Claribel A. Ortega and Rose Bousamra, popped up in search results when searching for other things. The title spoke to me.

My kindergarten teacher sister occasionally acquires free books through book fairs and things. She gave me a copy of Esperanza Rising by Pam Muñoz Ryan.

Those were both for middle readers and both very good.

Then along came Celebrating Cuentos: Promoting Latino Children's Literature and Literacy in Classrooms and Libraries, edited by Jamie Campbell Naidoo. 

In addition to my normal interest in children's literature and representation, I am studying education. That was a very natural fit, and interesting to me, though it is geared more toward librarians.

It led me to several more books. 

Actually, I checked out Celebratng Cuentos because Yuyi Morales wrote the foreword, and many of her books were mentioned in it.

(Esperanza Rising was mentioned in it as well; Frizzy is too new.)

The book also introduced me to writer and illustrator Maya Christina Gonzales, whom I thought I should at least check out.

Written by Maya Christina Gonzales:
I Know the River Loves Me/Yo sé que el río me ama
Call Me Tree/Llamame arbol

Illustrated by Maya Christina Gonzales:
Animal Poems of the Iguazú/Animalario del Iguazú by Francisco X. Alarcón
I Can Be... Me! by Lesléa Newman
Fiesta Femenina: Celebrating Women of Mexican Folklore by Mary-Joan Gerson

There is a strong connection to nature in Gonzales' work, which made her a natural for the animalario.

There was also a section on legends and folklore.

Two of the books in that section are Christmas books (you can probably guess from the titles). Looking up holiday books gave me A Very Mexican Christmas: The Greatest Mexican Holiday Stories of All Time from New Vessel Press. I thought, why not? Because these are mostly a bunch of not great stories that are set around Christmas, maybe to make things more depressing or meaningful. 

Not all impulses work out.

Anyway...

Legends and folklore:

The Great Canoe: A Kariña Legend by María Elena Maggi and Gloria Calderón
The Miracle of the First Poinsettia: A Mexican Christmas Story by Joanne Oppenheim and Fabio Negrin
The Golden Flower: A Taino Myth From Puerto Rico by Nina Jaffe and Enrique O. Sanchez
Doña Flor: Un Cuento de Una Mujer Gigante con un Gran Corazón by Pat Mora and Raul Colón
El mejor regalo del mundo: La leyenda de Vieja Belen by Julia Alvarez

Of those, I liked Doña Flor the best for content (though Fiesta Feminina could also fit this category and was very good), but another tricky thing about it was that it was all in Spanish. Three of the Gonzales books had both, but here I was reading in only Spanish, and I had been kind of rusty.

That made it easier to read some shorter works in Spanish from Sandra Cisneros. 

Well, Puro Amor and Hairs/Pelitos both Spanish and English. Has visto a María? only had Spanish.

That felt like kind of a step forward for me. It is there, even though I don't end up using it too much. All of the Spanish works have been pretty short.

For the Cisneros books, Spanish translations were done by Liliana Valenzuela. Has visto a María? was illustrated by Ester Hernandez, and Hairs/Pelitos was illustrated by Terry Ybáñez,

Hairs/Pelitos is a children's book, but with some really good vocabulary stretching, relating to hair.

Has visto a María? could be enjoyed by children. There is some strong grief, but it might go over there heads and on another level it is searching a neighborhood for a cat.

The fun thing with Puro Amor is that it hasn't been too long since I have seen criticism on books about Frida Kahlo that focus on the animalitos. For this book the animalitos play an important role, but do so in exploring the relationship and her health and her relationship with Rivera.

(Cisneros also wrote the foreword to a poetry book I am reading now for Native American Heritage Month.)

Not surprisingly, Celebrating Cuentos spent some time on the various book awards for young readers.

I had previously read some Pura Belpré award winners and more recently become aware of the Tomás Rivera award. 

Two of the best books were focused on them. 

The Storyteller's Candle/La velita de los cuentos, by Lucia Gonzáles and Lulu Delacre, is about children and adults in the Puerto Rican community in New York feeling welcome at the library through Belpré's efforts. 

Tomás and the Library Lady -- Pat Mora and Raul Colón team up again -- is about young Tomás being helped in finding books and feeling welcome.

They are both beautiful examples of the influence a librarian can have.

Celebrating Cuentos is realistic about the challenges, but there is inspiration and motivation to overcome those challenges.

And between focusing on Yuyi Morales and selecting books out of Celebrating Cuentos, this month became mostly about focusing on young readers, which was fine.

There were also the movies, and one other post... 

Hey, some clarity!

There is a group organizing tonight; I had seriously thought about going.

I am not going to name them. They probably will bring some people in and may do good things. They may help people be more active than they have been, which can be really good.

But the more I looked over their materials, the more I revolted.

It feels like the Women's March all over again, where their main form of engagement is going to be applying pressure to elected officials, especially Democrats.

Allow me to say that I am really irritated at the progressives who seem angrier at the Democratic party for not saving them than at the Republican party for wholeheartedly embracing racist fascism. I get that the target is easier, and expecting better makes more sense, but to put that burden on the same people you show only contempt for is not merely counterproductive but also really irritating. Way to learn nothing!

Regardless, there should be organizing and people getting together now. I have been trying to decide what I should do and feeling pretty overwhelmed.

As I was trying to figure out how I felt about this thing specifically, some thoughts did take shape.

One big one was picturing a room full of people without masks. There tends to be a lot of ableism on the progressive side, which would not be helped in such a white area. Is that judging them, yes, but there was nothing in the materials indicating that was even a concern. There may be a possibility of applying positive pressure from within, but I felt tired just thinking about it.

I did remember that when the first Women's March itself turned out to be not what I was hoping for, the March for Equality and Justice was organized for the following week. That was something I could support, and did.

Of course, I suspect that was planned by Black women, and there have been statements that they aren't going to be doing the work for us anymore. That is completely fair.

I don't know that anyone else is going to organize something that will work for me. 

I don't know that I am up for organizing myself.

I do know what I value. That is where the clarity comes in.

First of all, I know that this country's original sin is white supremacy.  

Yes, I will bring in corporatism, capitalism, and colonialism and fold all of that into dominator culture, but the point is that if I do not see an effort to engage with that, I am pessimistic about how effective it can be.

So if there is any talk about focusing on "basics" -- meaning prioritizing class over race, meaning trying to lure in aggrieved whiteness -- I am not interested. We should reach out to people, but not by betraying the most important thing we need to change.

That is clear for me, but it's also a negative. What are my positives?

I think mutual aid is going to be very important, especially in terms of getting people food and shelter and necessities of life, including mental and emotional support. 

That organizing might look more charitable than political. You can run into a lot of white supremacy with NGOs, but that's still something to look for.

I know that libraries have been under attack, but that they are also one of democracy's most important tools. I can look out for the needs of libraries, especially my local one.

If I see organizing that looks at accessibility and disease prevention, we are probably going to be aligned in multiple areas.

I don't know where that will end up, but it's a start.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/01/i-did-not-march-rally-or-burn-anything.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/01/my-first-march.html 

Daily Songs for Hispanic Heritage Month 2024

In 2022 I read Decoding Despacito: An Oral History of Latin Music by Leila Cobo. I felt like there was a lot more to learn from it and promised I would get back to it.

Trying that this year, I was not nearly as impressed. What I had left to learn was not going to come from that book.

Part of that has been a growing disdain on my part for oral histories. It was exacerbated here by there being so many songs that seemed like they should have been included but were not. Was that because she had no one to interview?

And why did Cobo choose "Whenever, Wherever" instead of "Hips Don't Lie" for Shakira? I think it was just because she wanted to highlight this line:

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse 'em with mountains

I did some more searching and found a list of the 50 Greatest Latin Pop Songs by Rolling Stone:

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-latin-lists/50-greatest-latin-pop-songs-695776/benny-more-bonito-y-sabroso-1951-695801/

The criteria for inclusion here was more clear: these were supposed to be songs that had an influence. Some of the writers made better cases than others, but I still felt like there were exclusions. 

(They did cite "Hips Don't Lie" though.)

Rolling Stone mentioned Richie Valens' "La Bamba", but not the Los Lobos version. There was also a mention of Latin pop having a resurgence that would coincide with Los Lobos, and I believe they had an influence. 

No one mentioned "Rico Suave", but it at least put a new phrase into the lexicon.

"Bang Bang" was mainstream enough to end up in a King of the Hill episode.

No one mentioned the Gypsy Kings either, but they did allow other musicians from Spain. I admit the history of Roma people being expelled from Spain gets complicated, but a lot of this is complicated, when you look at it.

Rolling Stone even allowed a song in Portugese, Kaoma;s "Lambada". They only mentioned one of the terrible movies inspired by it, though. There were two. (Apparently Golan and Globus split up on it; usually they just make one terrible movie together.)

I was going to listen to everything and choose the ones I liked, but it eventually felt right to use all of them, plus some songs that were mentioned but not featured in each work, plus some songs that I remembered.

This resulted in the longest list of songs for one month ever, running from September 17th through November 24th. 

They are in chronological order with one exception. Before I decided I would use everything I was going to skip "Feliz Navidad" (1970), as I had used it before. It became the last song, leading into Christmas music.

That still did not feel like quite enough, so I took a few musical styles that had either been mentioned or that I thought I remembered being mentioned. Those genres were son, bachata, reggaeton, dancehall, and cumbia. I looked them up on Wikipedia as well as finding which ones were mentioned in the article as relating to those genres, and found songs for additional listening that way. 

I'm not an expert now. For one thing, some of them -- especially son -- have many different regional versions. Still, I know more.

There is also some really interesting political history regarding how things were popularized and why, especially for the Dominican Republic. 

There is always more to learn.

The notations on where the song came from are pretty obvious, but just in case...

DD = Decoding Despacito
RS = the Rolling Stone list
* = the song was mentioned in the cited work, but not one of the featured songs
MM = from my memories (maybe that one wasn't obvious)

Daily songs:

9/17 “Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White” by Dámaso Pérez Prado (1950) DD*
9/18 “Bonito y Sabroso” by Benny Moré (1951) RS
9/19 “¡Que rico el mambo!” by Dámaso Pérez Prado (1952) DD*
9/20 “La Bamba” by Ritchie Valens (1958) RS
9/21 “Mas Que Nada” by Sergio Mendes and Brasil ’66 (1966) RS
9/22 “Bang Bang” by Joe Cuba Sextet (1966) MM
9/23 “Oye Como Va” by Santana (1970) RS
9/24 “Contrabanda y traición” by Los Tigres del Norte (1974) DD
9/25 “Periodico De Ayer” by Héctor Lavoe (1976) RS
9/26 “Plástico” by Rubén Blades and Willie Colon (1978) RS
9/27 “Querida” by Juan Gabriel (1984) RS
9/28 “Amor Eterno” by Rocío Dúrcal (1984) RS
9/29 “Yo No Te Pido la Luna” by Daniela Romo (1984) RS
9/30 “La Jaula de Oro” by Los Tigres del Norte (1984) RS
10/1 “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before” by Julio Iglesias & Willie Nelson (1984) DD
10/2 “Conga” by Miami Sound Machine (1985) RS, DD
10/3 “Ay Amor” by Ana Gabriel (1987) RS
10/4 “La Bamba” by Los Lobos (1987) MM
10/5 “Bamboléo” by Gipsy Kings (1987) MM
10/6 “La Negra Tomasa” by Caifanes (1988) RS
10/7 “La Incondicional” by Luis Miguel (1988) RS
10/8 “Tu y Yo Somos Uno Mismo” by Timbiriche (1988) RS
10/9 “Dr. Psiquiatra” by Gloria Trevi (1989) RS
10/10 “Lambada” by Kaoma (1989) RS
10/11 “Como la Flor” by Selena (1989) RS
10/12 “El gran varón” by Willie Colon (1989) DD
10/13 “Tren al Sur” by Los Prisioneros (1990) RS
10/14 “Burbujas de amor” by Juan Luis Guerra & 4.40 (1990) RS, DD
10/15 “Rico Suave” by Gerardo (1991) MM
10/16 “Tu Pun Pun” by El General (1991) RS
10/17 “Oye Mi Amor” by Maná (1992) RS
10/18 “El Matador” Los Fabulosos Cadillacs (1993) RS
10/19 “El Tiburón” by Proyecto Uno (1993) RS
10/20 “La Gota Fría” by Carlos Vives (1993) RS
10/21 “Macarena” (Bayside Boys Remix) by Los del Río (1994) RS, DD
10/22 “Amor Prohibido” by Selena (1994) DD
10/23 “Ese Hombre” by La India (1994) RS
10/24 “María (Pablo Flores Remix)” by Ricky Martin (1995) RS
10/25 “La tierra del olvido” by Carlos Vives (1995) DD
10/26 “Comó Te Voy A Olvidar” by Los Ángeles Azul (1996) RS
10/27 “Suavemente” by Elvis Crespo (1998) RS
10/28 “Smooth” by Carlos Santana & Rob Thomas (1999) DD
10/29 “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin (1999) DD
10/30 “Waiting For Tonight” by Jennifer Lopez (1999) RS
10/31 “La Negra Tiene Tumbao” by Celia Cruz (2001) RS
11/1 “Whenever, Wherever” by Shakira (2001) DD
11/2 “Obsesión” by Aventura feat. Judy Santos (2002) RS
11/3 “A Dios le Pido” by Juanes (2002) RS
11/4 “Pa’ Que Retozen” by Tego Calderón (2002) RS
11/5 “Eres” by Café Tacvba (2003) RS
11/6 “Quiero Bailar” by Ivy Queen (2003) RS
11/7 “Algo Esta Cambiando” by Julieta Venegas (2003) RS
11/8 “Gasolina” by Daddy Yankee (2004) RS, DD
11/9 “Za Za Za (Mesa Que Mas Aplauda)” by Grupo Climax RS
11/10 “Atrévete-Te-Te” by Calle 13 (2005) RS
11/11 “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean (2006) RS
11/12 “Fuego” by Bomba Estéreo (2008) RS
11/13 “Danza Kuduro” by Don Omar feat. Lucenzo (2010) RS
11/14 “Inténalo” by 3BallMTY (2011) RS
11/15 “Cómo Puedes Vivir Contigo Mismo” by Alex Anwandter (2011) RS
11/16 “Vivir Mi Vida” by Marc Anthony (2013) RS, DD
11/17 “Bailando” by Enrique Iglesias, featuring Sean Paul, Descemer Bueno & Gente de Zona (2014) RS, DD
11/18 “Ginza” by J Balvin (2015) RS
11/19 “El Taxi” by Pitbull feat. Sensato, Osmani Garcia and Dayami La Musa (2015) RS
11/20 “Despacito” by Luis Fonsi, featuring Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber (2017) RS, DD
11/21 “Mi Gente” by J Balvin and Willy William (2017) DD
11/22 “Malamente” by Rosalia (2018) DD
11/23 “I Like It” by Cardi B., Bad Bunny, J. Balvin (2018) RS*
11/24 “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano (1970) DD

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/12/hispanic-heritage-month-2022-songs.html