What if they danced it? – 305.5

I am feeling a lot better now. Most of my problems are still there, but I am healthier (my throat still isn’t quite clear, but otherwise I am okay) and I am getting along with my sisters again. The fundamentals of our relationships haven’t changed, I am still unemployed, and there are still loved ones far away in precarious health, so there is a real risk of relapse. I believe I am going to need to start another series of searching out the past, analyzing and figuring out, and just generally trying to get it together, but first, something different.

I went to the ballet, and it was pretty good. This was OBT’s second program of the season, Lambarena. There were three pieces. Honestly, the first piece, Ash, was just okay. Then it was The Rite of Spring, which was better, and they ended on the title piece. I loved Lambarena. I loved the music and costumes and the movements. It was great.

At one point during the evening, my mind wandered just a tad, and this is how it happened. I was watching Gavin Larsen, and I remembered that the first time I saw her was in the pieces Twilight, which I mentioned earlier as being one of my favorites. Somehow the title reminded me of the annoying book series, and I suddenly had this thought of how much better it would be as a ballet.

Think of it! First of all, the prose is gone, which eliminates a huge deadweight right there. In terms of the plot of epic yet complicated love, well, that just fits right into ballet, and throwing in some vampires does not hurt it.

Now, think of the other things that are annoying. Bella is moody and ungrateful, Edward is brooding and stalker-ish, and hitting baseballs over the mountains is stupid. Put that in a ballet, and with the right music and choreography you can make it all look good. Suddenly the baseball game becomes awesome, instead of annoying. In fact, there’s room for a lot of athleticism because half of the characters have supernatural strength and can fly. Grand jetée, anyone? I would totally go see that.

So, I’m going to try and send an open letter to various choreographers. It has built in commercial appeal, especially if you time it for when people are starting to get anxious for the second movie. I mean, why not? I’m thinking Stowell, Canfield, McIntyre, and Thomas. Maybe Tomasson, but he already has a Twilight. I just think it has potential.

I also realized that when I was going over my favorite performances and performers, there were two major omissions. For individual dancers, I was really impressed by Holly Cruikshank. I saw her in Moving Out, and saying she is really bendy may not sound like a compliment, but her body seems to be able to do whatever you could possibly ask it to do, and to do it very fluidly.

For groups, Aero Betty is long gone, but they were something else. That first year that I subscribed to White Bird (the good year, before they started becoming progressively more disappointing), it started off with Diavolo who incorporated some trapeze, and ended with Aero Betty who was all trapeze. Shall I call them Calder-esque? I don’t know—I have never seen anyone else like them. Given that every number was at least partially aerial, you might have expected them to be somewhat repetitive, but every number was so individual and unique, and it was just an amazing evening. I’m really glad I got to see them.

The Nadir – 303.5

There was an episode of “Frasier” where he was in competition with a handsome doctor, made worse when Frasier was shown up by the doctor on his own show. A caller appeared to be suffering from severe depression, but some questions from the medical doctor led to an alternative diagnosis of low blood sugar. It’s not that far-fetched. I know one counselor who had a case that presented as depression but was really a potassium deficiency. Obviously, there is a strong interplay between mind and body, where emotional issues can cause physical pain and physical issues can lead to emotional problems.

My point is that I have sunk back into deep depression, and I feel that it is due to prolonged illness.

It’s not that there is nothing to be depressed about. I am still unemployed. I had a very decent tax refund, which gave me two months worth of bills, but that just got me through to March, and there is nothing in sight for April. It used to be that there were jobs that I could do (even if they would not pay enough for me to get by), but no one responded to my applications. Now there are only jobs that I can’t do.

I’m not getting any hours preparing taxes. I was good at it, but he isn’t getting enough business, and so that dried up too. If H&R Block had called a little bit sooner, before I signed the non-compete paperwork, maybe I could have gotten some hours there, but those are skills that I cannot now take anywhere else.

I lost an aunt last week. Again, I wasn’t prepared for it. I knew there were health problems but I thought they were under control, and I was wrong. Maybe it’s the way the information travels, from them to my aunt to Mom to me, changing languages in the process, but I was as unprepared to lose Zia Luciana as I was Zio Paolo. I’m grateful we were there in the spring, because I had no idea it was the last chance to see them, but now there is always this nagging about who will go next. They weren’t even the two oldest. Now we only have Elda, Giorgio, and Giovanna. Those are the two oldest and the one with early Alzheimers. I only got to meet them for the first time three years ago and now I am losing them.

Also, we had to put Suzy down on Monday. I guess I am having a harder time with this one because she was so young, and it’s the first time it was a chronic condition rather than age or cancer or something that was going to take them for sure. The thing is, her epilepsy was getting worse, and I felt like it was at the point where she was losing quality of life, and we were. She wasn’t even getting enough time to feel like herself again between seizures, and maybe if we had stuck it out for a few more days she would have had some good months, or weeks, but it felt like it was spiraling out of control. What I really felt like was going to happen was she was going to go into a seizure and not come out, and it would happen on a weekend, so we would have to load up a shaking, or at least insensible dog and take that nightmare ride to the emergency clinic in Tualatin. I felt like it was the only thing to do.
Still, maybe it was the sleep deprivation talking. That weekend the seizures started at 2:30 AM Sunday (and I had only gone to bed at 1), and they kept up again into the night and next morning. I don’t think I had eight hours even between the two days. Even so, we kept thinking that if she didn’t have anymore it would be okay, and then she kept having one more, three times in three hours.

The sleep deprivation was why I was actually in denial about having the flu. The cough and nasal issues could have been cold or allergy. The headache could have been related to the cough and sinus pressure. The thing that made it flu for sure was my body hurting everywhere and that shaky feeling, and I thought maybe that was just that I needed sleep. After getting some sleep, I still felt like someone had beaten me over my entire body with a baseball bat, and shaky, so I gave up and decided it was the flu.

That has gone down. The next day I felt like I had only been beaten over part of my body, and the next day it was just the joints, staying upright has become less of an effort. The problem is, I am still not well. I feel like I am clammy (even thought I am not clammy to the touch, it is just a sensation). Also, I am still easily tired, like, I will make my bed, and then need to lie on it for five minutes. This does put a damper on the job hunt, as well as giving me concerns about whether I will even be able to do a job if I am lucky enough to get one.

The other problem is that I have been sick for so long. This bout with the flu only started last weekend, but I’d had a really bad cold a few weeks before that, and even though the worst symptoms went away, there were lingering effects, so that I have had one thing or another wrong with me for over a month.

I am just worn down. I can make do with not very much for a long time, but at this point my reserves are just spent. The depression may be part of the energy problem, but I know the physical problems are part of the depression, because I am just worn out and I cannot keep my chin up anymore and I don’t feel strongly motivated to anyway.

It’s a lot like last time. Death still sounds like the best thing that could possibly happen to me. I still can’t seriously consider suicide, because it’s wrong, and selfish, and cruel to those you leave behind, but also because having lost some people, I feel like it would also be a slap in the face to those whose lives were cut short. Some of them really would have wanted to stay.

Also, really, even I know I don’t actually want to be dead. What I really want is to not hurt anymore. I want something good to happen, but that seems impossible. No one is interested in my writing. The production companies have more scripts than they know what to do with, and the agencies already have people to worry about. I still believe my work is good, but it kind of doesn’t matter. That contest I’m doing, well, I’m not winning, which could be depressing, but I’m losing to really stupid, illogical, poorly-written entries. Now that’s demoralizing. Or maybe I’m just way off track and my work really does suck. In that case, then I guess it is a mercy that no one will look at it.

I am losing weight, but I just keep feeling fatter and older. Uglier. My family is exactly the same as they always are, which I can usually live with but I am having a hard time with it now. I am no closer to ever having a significant other, and I can’t find any reason to believe any of this is going to change. So this is my life, and I’m depressed about it, except that I could handle it a few weeks ago, and eventually I assume I will be able to handle it again. But what I really want is a deus ex machina. I’m willing to work hard and make my own luck, but there just don’t seem to be any good prospects within reach right now. I’m going to need something out of left field.

The Not So Good Boys of Dance – 309.5

Actually, this may make a good companion piece to the one on Twilight, in that there is me being dissatisfied with art, even though it does have popular appeal. I have to say that the rest of the audience was very enthusiastic at the show. However, the reviewer was pretty lukewarm on it too.

I hadn’t initially planned on going just from seeing the ad, but they had another ad that showed that Jon Drake was with them, and I am a big fan. He danced with OBT, and I have to say he was really impressive. Some dancers have a special energy or charisma about them, so that you can’t take your eyes off of them, and he is one. He reminds me a lot of Gene Kelly—it is a very masculine, dynamic kind of dancing. So, if he was in, I wanted to be in. My mother got me a ticket as a birthday present, and the performance would be on my birthday itself.

There were shows Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I assume the reviewer went to the Thursday show, I read the review Friday, and then went Saturday. I wasn’t too concerned with the tepid review, because the keyword with art critic is “critic”, and often they have problems that I don’t have, and seem to just be looking for the wrong thing. I wish I’d ended up feeling that way.

Now, one reason that I had not initially been interested was that I thought the “Bad” in “Bad Boys of Dance” might mean really nasty, and I don’t need to see that. They were not that kind of bad. The closest they came to that was that in one number the dancers used blow-up dolls as props. A bit cheeky perhaps, but nothing shocking or horribly offensive. It was just kind of stupid.

I think what they wanted it to mean was “Hey, we are going to totally defy convention and be in your face, full of our mighty testosterone.” I would have been totally in favor of that. Sadly, it was less leaping and stomping (although there was some) than jazz hands and goofing off. Again, a little bit cheeky is all I am coming up with.

It wasn’t incompetence. I don’t think there was a bad dancer in the lot of them. There was one guy who had kind of a weird stance, and often looked awkward, but I think that was the choreography they were giving him. Since the choreography overall was an issue, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. And really, with the choreography I think they just didn’t aim high enough.

There were moments when it seemed to be getting somewhere, and I would start to get excited, and then it would just deflate before it went anywhere. The biggest disappointment was one number where they had two of the performers tap dancing, and it started to pick up some energy, and then it became clear that at least some of the tapping (if not all) was recorded, and not really them. It felt like a cheat, and again, they did not really go anywhere. There was some good music, and good dancers, so there was certainly some potential, but it was unrealized.

The group was founded by Rasta Thomas. His wife, Adrienne Caterna-Thomas, founded the sister group Pretty Girls of Dance, and she participated in several numbers. Having a female on tap does give you some extra options, so should have been good, but she was usually really annoying. In her costume and movements she conveyed this vapid pop-tart stereotype whom I kept thinking should be chewing and snapping gum, even though she never actually pulled out any gum. She was just that type. Every time. I bet her group is even worse—two hours of every female dance stereotype and none of it really that pretty.

I think the only other thing I want to mention about them is that the second act was one long medley of Michael Jackson, Prince, and Queen, and those three do not all go together, though I think you could successfully meld Prince with either one. Oh, and the choreography was every bit as cliché as you can imagine when they got to Bohemian Rhapsody.

So, that was my birthday. It wasn’t torture, but it was really disappointing, and I don’t know the next time I will be able to buy tickets to something. I do still have tickets for three ballet performances, so I will need to hope for the best.

In one of my college Spanish classes they sent us to the art museum and then we need to talk about art. I remember saying that art needs to have at least one of three things (at least, for me to appreciate it). It can be beautiful, and nourish the soul that way. It can show great craftsmanship, and make you marvel that way. Or, it can convey something. For example, out on campus there was a statue that is mostly abstract, but it shows a torch and it has allusions to Prometheus, and although it is not particularly beautiful or detailed, it still draws you.

The sum of any of those three is that it draws you up, and there may be art that will drag you pretty far down to get to its point of something better, but it’s still going there. So the intersection of Twilight and Bad Boys of Dance is that they fail. They are aiming to please the crowd, and in many ways they succeed, but they could have been much better, and is it only laziness that prevented them from being better or was there not even the possibility?

For the Boys, maybe they did not have time to do more. I know I rushed through my last contest entry. It is not easy to make a living in the performing arts, so that they are doing that, and trying new things is something, and if there is an audience for that, maybe it will provide an opportunity for someone else to do something good.

Anyway, I don’t want to end on that down note. First of all, I got a second shot at a birthday evening, as my friend Karen took me out last night. We went to see No Time to Die (Ghana) at the Portland African Film Festival, and had Ethiopian food for dinner. It was a good time.

In addition, I’d like to list some of the best dance performances that I have seen—ones that did take me away.

Giselle: It is really just the second act. The first act is okay, but for me it is just filler until we get to the Wilis. I’ve seen it more than once, and it is beautiful every time.

Twilight: Ha! Not that one. I refer to the breathtaking pas de deux from Helgi Tomasson. Lovely.

Catapult: This was a piece by Diavolo that was absolutely amazing. I hope I get to see more of their work sometime.

Anything Goes: Great fun set to the music of Cole Porter.

Before seeing Anything Goes, I would have said the two pieces everyone needs to see to get the range of ballet would be Giselle and Company B, but Anything Goes displaced Company B, which is still a fine piece of work. That leads us to honorable mentions.

Like a Samba: I don’t know if this would have been as good without Karl Valkili, who again is amazing, and has that “it” factor. However, I will say that the music stayed with me for days. This leads to…

Trey McIntyre: You know, I haven’t seen any of his work since Stowell took over, and I haven’t seen him dance for much longer, but I can firmly say that his musical taste is impeccable, and I have found of a lot of music that I love through him.

Il Nodo: This is very much a piece that I would not expect to like, and yet I always end up enthralled in it.

James Canfield: I really have not gotten do see him dance much, though I did see him in Romeo and Juliet with Patricia Miller, but he produced amazing pieces, and when I went to see The Nut Has Finally Cracked (which I did not really like), he came on for a bit, and he did start to dance some, really, it was basically goofing off, but there was that magnetic physicality again. I guess some people just have it, and they don’t lose it. And on that note, just a few more amazing dancers that I have been lucky enough to see…

Guillermo Merlo and Fernanda Ghi: Where I saw them was really pretty much a dance recital by local tango teachers, but they wove the numbers into kind of a story, and somehow they got these incredible professionals to come on and do several numbers, taking everything up a notch. Breathtaking.

Alvin Ailey: Especially Revelations. It’s kind of amazing that the audience doesn’t end up getting swept up and dancing along, but I think we all just stayed watching.

Savion Glover: Talk about energetic! And not in a really frenetic way, necessarily, but more of a marathon. I can’t even fathom the stamina it takes to keep going like he did, as we watched his shirt darken with sweat. That sounds gross, which it wasn’t really. It was just one more thing that was amazing about him.

Mikhail Baryshnikov: I saw him with his White Oak project. I have to admit, I didn’t really like his Japanese-inspired number, and The Argument is more interesting with more people (I got to see it later with Mark Morris, and I think he used twelve), that being said, he is still the master.

So really, I guess I can’t complain that much about the Mediocre Boys. I’ve had some great dance experiences, and I should have more. I’d like to see Will Kemp some time, but even if I don’t, I do still have three ballet performances left, and some day I will be employed again, and buying tickets to things, and for now I have memories.

Besides, Bad Boys of Dance were still way better than The Holy Body Tattoo.

Twilight Time – 306.5

I generally try to be respectful of other opinions and preferences. After all, life is much more interesting with us all liking different things, and probably allows for better distribution of resources. Every now and then, something annoys me more than is logical. I once vented my spleen on The Family Circus, along with soft fluffy towels and “the f-bomb” (http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2008/03/sporks-pet-peeves-3375.html), and now I have something else. I hate Twilight.

I have nothing against it as a time of day, or a condition of the light, or even as a type of zone, but as a popular book series it sticks in my craw. I know I’m swimming against the current on this one, but I am not alone.

My first contact with the series came in Hawaii. Maria had rashly invited a friend on our trip, not fully grasping at the time that enjoying a trip to the mall with someone does not necessarily translate into enjoying spending eight days straight and sharing a hotel room with someone.

It ended up being a bit of a drag for the trip. We like to see and do lots of things, and never planned on lying on the beach flirting with cute boys, which was all the friend wanted to do. We just had different ideas of what the vacation should involve, which resulted in conflict. For example, she didn’t want to go to Pearl Harbor, but she did want to go to the swap meet, which was our next stop after Pearl Harbor (they are really close together). She was worried she would not be able to manage meeting us there, though, so she decided to come, and almost decided to go out to the monument until she learned that they make you watch a short film before going over, so she stayed on the grounds and sent text messages while we went over. Call us snobs, but we were a little dismayed by her lack of intellectual curiosity. She was a huge fan of Twilight.

It was not a craze yet, or at least I had not heard of it, but she had brought the book along and was re-reading it, and rhapsodized about it when asked. It was so romantic, because he was so strong that he couldn’t even touch her (huh?) and they were playing baseball and hitting the balls over the mountains. I thought it sounded stupid, but I shrugged it off.

I guess it continued to grow in popularity, but my next memory is when the third book came out, and there was all this buzz on Amazon and on message boards. Bella was finally together with Edward, but there was a strong contingent that felt she should have chosen Jacob. Okay, no big deal. The disgust did not start until the fourth book.

I often check in with themoviespoiler.com, and sometimes with the sister site, thebookspoiler. I read the spoiler for Breaking Dawn. Okay, I had to skim some, because when you are not invested it is hard to stay with the whole thing, but I picked up three things.

· One, Bella has a daughter. Clearly this will allow Jacob to have a love of his life, and it is nice to throw the dog a bone.
· Two, she managed this by having sex with Edward while still human. Based on my earlier understanding, this sounds like the opposite of safe sex, but if we rule out the possibility of humans and vampires having sex there will be a lot of disappointed Goths, so okay.
· Three, and this is where the hate started, Renesmee.

Yes, I get the origin and meaning of the name, but what a stupid, jacked-up name. I remember once talking to a five-year old girl whose parents had gotten her and her sister pet goats, and she was telling me the names, and those goats had really long names. I think between the two, the names Princess, Rainbow, and Sparkle were all used, along with some other things, because obviously they wanted their goats to have the most beautiful names possible. If you leave out something good, how will others know how special this goat is? For her, it was kind of adorable. Stephenie Meyer should know better.

With a food allergy, generally there is initially a small reaction and then it builds up with each exposure. A good hatred is like that too. I only kind of hated Twilight and thought it was stupid here. I needed more exposure to really hate it. That came. It came through millions of teenage girls, and also adult women. It came through my own sisters.

A friend loaned them the books, and they fell hard for Edward. They had some embarrassment over it, but they kept reading anyway. Maybe I was wrong, so I tried. I was not wrong.

First of all, the prose is so bad that I cannot read it through. I have to skip around. I suspect there will be no further attempts, but here are some highlights.

· Edward tells Bella that he used to come in and watch her while she slept. She does not realize how creepy this is because she is too busy contemplating the wonder of having “this god” in her room. Girlfriend, it is terribly creepy. Boundaries are really important. Also, horrid, florid, clumsy prose.
· Vampires sparkle? That’s exactly what you’d expect from someone who came up with the name Renesmee.
· Edward’s “siblings” get Bella a car stereo as a birthday gift, which she is not interested in and they obviously know, because the install it for her while she isn’t looking so she can’t take it back. Ingrate.
· Bella gets angry at her new vampire family for picking overly fancy clothes for her and her child. I’m not saying that some irritation is not justified, but clearly this family loves you, for reasons I am missing. Try and appreciate that. Then again, she didn’t seem to appreciate her human father much either.
· Edward seems to tell Bella (lovingly) about how much she used to stink. I’m not sure if it was the struggle not to bite her because she made him so hungry, or just that humans stink and she was lucky to no longer be one.
· Finally, the sex. I don’t know exactly how often Bella thrills and has her eyes roll back in her head a little, but one thing I do know is that it’s irritating and stupid. To be fair, writing about sex usually does end up sounding stupid. For the sheer mechanics you are either being really crude, or throwing in euphemisms that are almost invariably cheesy. I won’t deny that it works well as movement, but as words the whole thing becomes kind of preposterous. I think it can be hinted at fairly deftly, but this was not done.

These are all excellent reasons for me not to read the books, but I’m not sure that it justifies my revulsion. I mean, I have never tasted anything more disgusting than oysters, but it doesn’t bother me that other people eat them.

Part of it is probably the hype. It was fairly recent that the movie came out, and everyone was reading the books again, or lucky to get tickets to the midnight showing, or some such nonsense.

Also, the fixation on Edward was, I think, a bad thing. My sisters liked that he was totally devoted to Bella, and taking care of her, and they don’t see that happening in real life, and I kind of get that, but he is a moody, inflexible stalker, and Jacob seems to have anger issues. I don’t think living with either of them would be a picnic. And I guess one of their friends asked her husband why he couldn’t be more like Edward. That is not constructive criticism.

I don’t automatically mind hype. I didn’t mind with Harry Potter or the Lord of the Rings, and I was okay with the hype over the new Star Wars movies until they turned out to be major disappointments. Then again, the hype really turned me off of The Da Vinci Code. Perhaps it is a combination of factors.

For a literary hero I could actually fall in love with, I think the best so far would be Joe Harman from A Town Like Alice. He’s someone you could follow across the world and live with once you got there (and I’m pretty sure the last part is more important than the first part).

So that’s where I’m at. I not only hate it for myself, I have a visceral reaction to other people liking it. It irritates me. Somehow a twenty-nine year old mother of three was able to hold on to the fan-girl attitude and writing style of a girl half her age, and it’s making bank. At least they’re reading, some will defend, but I say “Garbage in, garbage out.”

I should also mention that I really meant for my next post to be about dancing, but I was thrilled to find that Stephen King was quoted saying that ‘Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn’, and it filled my sour little heart with joy. I posted the link, and got some interesting comments, so poured out all my thoughts here, as I do. And you know, King isn’t always to my taste either. He goes for crude a lot and I don’t like it, but he is inventive, effective, and prolific, and even if he is not my first choice, reading his work does not make me cringe in pain and have to stop. It’s just different.

Love stings – 308

One of my Facebook friends is in love. By Facebook friend, I mean someone whom I already knew, but am really only in touch with due to Facebook. This mainly covers people from high school, a few from church who are no longer in my ward, and a handful from work and college. I like them, I care about them, but we would not be in touch on a regular basis without social networking.

In the past, I would only see these people if we happened to run into each other, and then we would exchange pleasantries and catch up, but it would only be general. Now, because we can all update each other quickly and simultaneously, I know what lots of them are doing for jobs and relationships and children, and have viewed current pictures. This is interesting, and a lot of fun.

There is also some heartache with it. Two of my old classmates have children with really fragile health, and there have been divorces and deaths of parents, and unemployment. We offer each other support, which tends to feel inadequate, but it is something real. Actually, I had a dream the other night where I was discouraged with my efforts to make it as a screenwriter. I was with Becky, one friend whom I had not been in touch with until recently. She handed me a card, and it was signed by at least thirty people. The names that I could see (reading in dreams is really hard) were also Facebook friends. It reflects real life. People have been very supportive about my job and my writing and pretty much everything I put out there. It does give us some community.

So, the point of that is, without Facebook, I would never know that he was in love. It was interesting, because I have been observing him for a while, and I could tell he was lonely. It was usually hidden in self-deprecating humor, but it was still there. I could also see by other things that he wrote, about himself and to others, that he was a very good guy (we weren’t close in high school, and there was some awkwardness, so I hadn’t seen this side of him).

What was a revelation then, as he started to share the relationship, was how much of a romantic he is. It is kind of fun to see, and touching, but it also left me with one fervent wish: Please don’t hurt him.

Now that both parties have come out of the closet, and admitted they are dating each other, I feel much better about it, but it was an interesting reaction, and probably also influenced by other Facebook activity.

Remember E, from July? At that time I wrote that it was probably just as well he did not seem to be interested in me, because along with other complications, he had just gotten out of a long-term, stifling relationship, and could probably use some time on his own. Well, he had some time, and then recently he started dating someone again, and it became evident through posts and pictures. It seemed good, they looked happy, and then suddenly, it was over (by her instigation if I understood correctly). He’s a nice guy—
cute and funny and talented—I don’t want him hurt.
Then, another two friends are getting divorced (not from each other—I don’t know the spouses), and it hurts. So, for them, and for the lonely romantic who just find someone, I just keep wishing, don’t hurt them.

I am not being completely realistic. If a relationship is not working, that doesn’t always mean there is a villain there, and at least in E’s case, probably better now than ten years later, but still, it makes me sad.

This may involve some over-functioning on my part. Realistically, any single one of them has more relationship experience than I do, and should be able to successfully navigate the latest setbacks. They don’t need me to care. At the same time, it is nice that other people care that I am unemployed, and struggling (and that now I have muscle aches that I think are from stress, and a cyst growing out of my back that I guess could be stress, but it’s a little less typical). I do mentally think that all of us caring for each other is a good idea, but it’s a moot point anyway because it’s not really voluntary. If I decided it was stupid, and to stop, I probably couldn’t.

So we go on, writing cheerful notes and wishing each other well. I will pray for various people. I’m not sure how widespread that is, but a lot of people seem more religious now than they were then.

Ultimately, there is not a single one of them that I don’t think will survive the temporary heartbreak, and move on. Of the new couple, both of them had previous relationships that ended, and yet here they are starting a new one, fairly blissfully. Hope springs eternal.

Other than that, I did not win the first round of the Co-write contest (and frankly, I don’t think the winner is that great), I have eliminated about ten more agencies from the list I need to call, and I think my February screenplay will be the one where a first date that seemed promising quickly goes bad as the pair runs afoul of the powerful corn lobby.

For taxes, I should be getting a more regular schedule next week, and now I just need lots of customers. Anyone want your taxes done?

Updated – 309.5

I know I have let some time lapse. I had mentioned previously that I wanted to screenplay number four (Dark Secrets) to go quickly, because it was hard material and it was kind of brining me down. So, I concentrated really hard on writing that, and had some really long writing sessions, back-to-back, and in the process neglected journal writing, blogging, and things like that, and pretty much broke all of my new year’s resolutions except for the one about writing one screenplay a month.

It’s not as horrible as it sounds. I finished on the 21st, and have been catching other things up since then. I am planning on doing one rewrite on the 28th, and then a follow-up on the 31st, and then I should be fairly well done, with at least one aspect of my life on schedule. Ideally the next project will be lighter, and I can pace myself better.

Still, I love writing so much. It is so satisfying for me, and I feel myself getting better at it, in terms of being able to solve problems faster, and find the right words, and just give the time to it. I am really hitting my stride with it. Now all I need is a sale.

In other news, I have finished two levels of tax preparer certification. There is one test left, and it is a bear. I decided to try a quick run-through, and let myself fail if needed just to kind of scope it out, and I did not pass. Still, that is for higher-level returns, and I can do basic ones now and have actually completed my first one. Therefore, I have actually earned some money, for the first time since September. I’ll get that in February. I have no idea how much will be added to it. There is no guarantee of hours or returns, so there are a lot of factors, and I’m not sure how it’s going to go. Still, no one else is calling me, and most of the other people in the class have not done any returns yet, so I am lucky to have it.

In weight news, it looks like I have lost seven pounds over about two weeks after a plateau at 316. That is not how it went down at all. I had reached 311, and started going back up before the last time I posted, actually going all the way back up to 330. This was fluid retention related to me running out of my medicine. My blood sugar scores have been doing well, I was hoping I could manage without it, but I was wrong, and my scores were the least of the problem. Medco will not let you order without being part of a plan, but I learned that I could transfer the prescriptions to another pharmacy. I looked at Target and Costco, but Costco requires an application, and Target could turn things around in a day, so that is the way I went. Their pill prices are pretty good. The injectables are still too expensive, but they would be at Costco too.

I am grateful to be on them again, and to be back on track, but it is still pretty scary. Even if this tax thing does work out for income, it is seasonal and part-time, and there is no insurance. With my pre-existing conditions, purchasing a plan on my own would be horrendously expensive, even if I had money. So, that area is a real concern for me. If I sell a screenplay, I can join the Writers Guild of America, which functions like a union and there are health plans available, but it feels like such a long shot. To be fair, that still seems more probable than finding a regular job that I can live on.
Honestly, it’s just a tough time. The only reason the mortgage is not late and that I could get the medicine is because the church is helping me. I should be grateful for that. On one level I’m sure I am, but it is also killing my Sundays. I hate taking the bills in. I hate having to come back and get the checks. I hate feeling weird around Jeremy, and it is not his fault, but it is still there. I hate being a taker when I am used to being a giver. And I hate that the situation just keeps going on. To be fair, I know that a lot of my problem there is pride, which is exactly why I am even writing this. Doing so won’t necessarily turn me humble, but I can at least be actively working against the pride.

In other news, my birthday came and went. It was fairly disappointing. The only computer time I could get at the office was 9-12 on that day, so I was already getting up early and going into the office, which is not how I like either a Saturday or my birthday to start. Mom brought me a sausage mcmuffin, and those are normally delicious, but the egg on this one was all slippery, and the muffin had singed areas, which happened to include the part I ate last, so it left a charcoal flavor in my mouth for a few hours.

I got some errands done afterwards, but the part that was supposed to make everything better was that as my present, Mom had gotten me a ticket to go see the Bad Boys of Dance. I had seen the ad and not been particularly interested, but then I saw Jon Drake was with them, and he is great. When the ward talent show was announced for the same date, and I realized I would miss my yearly foray into stand-up comedy, that was kind of a bummer, but I was going to see a dance show, and it was going to be okay. Sadly, the show stunk.

I think I am going to post a full review of it, and write about dance in general. I should write about the inauguration too. I think I like writing about things better than updates like this, but maybe that is just context-dependent. I have committed to writing a Facebook note with tax tips, which I could post here, but that seems like overkill. If anyone reads the blog but is not on Facebook with me, and wants the tips, let me know. Mainly, I am trying to keep busy.

Anyway, that’s kind of where I’m at right now. It does not merely sound grim—it is grim—but I still know so many people who have been unemployed longer, or have sick kids or have lost parents, or something like that. In the collective sorrow bucket, mine is just a drop or two, but I could really use some good news.

Odds and Ends – 316.5

I don’t have a strong topic to write on because there are so many different things happening, so I thought I would take this opportunity to get caught up.

First of all, I am not writing about clown crime, so I’m not killing Uncle Earl off just yet (if he even exists, which I doubt). I really thought it would be next, but there are some limits to how much choice a writer has. At times I am ready to tell different stories, and I could try and force the issue, but it will make everything stilted.

Recent events have caused me to dwell upon certain things, and right now there is really only one story I can tell. Maybe it is a good one for my first attempt at finishing in a month, because it is kind of dark material, and so I want it to go fast. Yes, I was writing about vampires last, and there were places where it got pretty heavy, but even if personalities like those of Christine and Lucas are theoretically possible, I don’t run into anyone that bad on a regular basis, and even if I did, at least they would not be vampires. Mark is completely real, so it’s different.

Anyway, I am able to pour some recent grief and some old anger into it, so writing Dark Secrets has been somewhat therapeutic. I wrote twenty-five pages yesterday, which is a new record. I’m not sure it was wise, because my eyes were bugging out of my head by the time I was done, but it’s pretty impressive considering I have a cold.

I am experimenting with some new methods, where maybe instead of trying to write a little every day (and I have done that, because I was writing two pages a night on the days when I had class), I alternate writing days with work days. This is an issue because I hope to be working some in the upcoming weeks.

The class was tax preparation training, so I hope that can provide some income through April, and maybe the job market will have improved a bit by then. It’s kind of a departure for me, but it’s funny because in my second screenplay, the female lead was studying for her CPA, even if it was not necessarily what she wanted to do.

There has been some interesting convergence lately. I was trying to catch up on old magazines, so I was reading one old Smithsonian, and I read about Americans in Prague, and some other articles, but I stopped at the trout article because I suspect I will be sharing it with some of my friends who are fly fishing devotees. I opened another one and read about manuscript recovery and preservation in Timbuktu. I logged onto e-mail, and Henry Rollins had sent his latest dispatch from Timbuktu. I logged onto Facebook, and Kathryn was writing from Prague. Does it mean anything? Not necessarily, but it’s neat just the same.

In other news, I just got back from a Sisters in Cinema meeting, which has been going on for three years and I didn’t even know. I think more networking is going to be necessary for me to get anywhere. Also, I was thinking that when I make agency calls, perhaps instead of saying, “I’m looking for representation. Are you taking new clients?” maybe I should say, “I’m writing my fourth screenplay and I really need representation. Are you taking new clients?” The net result will probably be the same for most, but at least I am making them hear at least one reason to take me seriously.

I turn 37 on Saturday. Still single and childless, and now unemployed. In some ways it’s fairly dismal, but I do have exciting things going on, and I am getting good support from my friends, for which I am so grateful.

In political news, you may remember me objecting to the way Matt Wingard got his district seat, and something similar recently happened with the way Martha Schrader got into the State Senate. I feel I must mention it because she is a Democrat, and I deplore political chicanery across party lines. Anyway, at the time I suggested for a similar case a respected, retired person should be appointed. I was suggesting that as the ethical thing to do, but Andy Parker suggested just making it the law that whoever is appointed can’t run for the seat in the next election, and I think that’s probably the way to go. I mean, I’d like to be able to count on our elected leaders to make wise and just choices, but it’s sort of a pipe dream. At least we’re not Illinois.

I am looking forward to the national regime change, though I feel kind of bad for the mess Obama is inheriting. I take exception to Bush saying that he tried to do the right thing. He just did what he wanted done, and while I am sure that he did want things to work out well, or he was at least miffed when they did not, he never cared enough to change his strategy.

On that note, I’d like to state that I think I am okay with the choice of Rick Warren for the inaugural prayer. I know, people feel it is a slap in the face to homosexuals due to his support of Proposition 8. But remember how I pointed out that California voting for both Prop 8 and Obama was a good sign, because it signaled a disconnect between the orthodoxy that if you care about moral issues at all you have to be Republican? This could be more of the same.

Warren is firmly anti-abortion, but he still invited Obama, who is pro-choice, to speak at the AIDs conference. We need to be able to cooperate and work with people with whom we do not completely agree. There may be limits, but this should not be it.

Fighting poverty is one of the issues closest to my heart, because when you fight poverty you fight crime and promote education and you promote a strong economy and strong families and good health. There are so many social ills that are perpetuated by poverty, and then they perpetuate poverty, so there’s this cycle that is hard enough to get out of anyway, and then when the last eight years of government policy have actually been promotion poverty, yeah, I’m tempted to like someone who makes that a priority. We do share a lot of beliefs. I’m not always sure about how he communicates those beliefs, which may mean that I feel about Rick Warren the way Warren feels about James Dobson. How weird is that? (We don’t have time for how I feel about James Dobson.)

I know what would have been great. If Reverend Wright had risen to the occasion when he had the chance, and if he had acknowledged the anger, and where it was right and yet where it was wrong too. If he could have done that, and worked for sincere conciliation, he would have been a great choice and it could have been a beautiful thing. Since that didn’t happen, now Warren has the chance to rise to the occasion, and I hope he does. I hope it is a beautiful prayer that embraces everyone, even the atheists who think the tradition should be struck down. I hope that can happen. If it doesn’t, well Obama, it will still only be your first day, and honestly it will be the least of your problems.

The year in preview – 316.5

I think I can wrap things up today, and then maybe get back to just writing once a week. That will be less pressure.

My big goal is that I want to complete one new screenplay a month. This is fairly ambitious, but my turnaround time keeps getting better, so this would be one step further towards consistency. I tend to have these little lulls between projects, so the purpose would be to make me better about starting the new one.

Is it feasible? I think so. The most I have ever written in one day has been twenty pages, which I have done three times. The most I have written on a following day after that was six, but usually less. With writing, it is not just the time you spend writing, but there is the time you spend thinking about it, plotting it out and solving problems. Twenty pages takes a lot out of me, and probably can’t happen that often. Ten pages might be the magic number. Since generally a full screenplay is going to be between 90 and 120 pages, it is not unreasonable that a month would be sufficient time for writing and editing, as long as I keep at it.

My main concern was whether I would have enough ideas to keep going, because new ones come up all the time, but what if they didn’t. As it was, I went through the stable of things that I have largely or partially plotted out, and there were nineteen, and just writing a smart aleck comment to one friend I came up with another plot idea, so this is doable.

There are a couple of things that could make me change my goal. The big one would be if I felt that it was compromising quality. I don’t anticipate that happening, but if does, it would be a strong reason to change things around.

The other possibility is if I get a chance to take a film break. I am a writer first and foremost, but I do get possessive of my stories, and that can make one a control freak. So even though I do not necessarily need to be an actress, director, or producer, I might try my hand at it, at least with some short pieces. Doing so might actually give me some opportunities to advance my writing career, so I can’t rule it out. If I need to recruit actors at some point, I will probably do that through Facebook.

I believe the project I will be starting tomorrow will be a darkly comic detective story involving criminal clowns, but I might find myself pulled in another direction. It’s funny how that works sometimes. Other possibilities include a sort of coming of age tale set in the world of ballroom dance, a first date that goes south thanks to the powerful corn lobby, two spoof/parody pieces, a Bay-sian special effects thriller, an inspiring sports movie, a screwball comedy set during the Great Depression (nothing says “funny” like depression), an update of a Moliere play, a tense political chess game, a couple of candidates for Lifetime Movies for Women, a couple of animated features, a ghost story unraveled by a spunky feminist college student just after WWII, and a remake of a Hitchcock classic.

I would love to do a Christmas special and see if a new one can be good, but without the glow of nostalgia I’m not sure a new one can make it. Also, with “Hungry”, I know what will happen to the characters for two sequels and a spin-off TV series with one of the secondary characters. (I have two other series ideas, but I am focusing on the movie side now.)

“Hungry” is kind of a problem. Of the three I have completed, it is simultaneously the easiest sell, the easiest one to turn over to independent filmmakers, and the one I want most to do myself. Well, it’s been percolating twenty-three years—it ought to be versatile.

We’ll see how things go. I will need to start calling agencies again soon. I might put it off an additional week, because next week I am taking a class on tax preparation, hoping to come up with another day job, at least temporarily.

I have other goals for the New Year. I want to continue my weight loss and become more active, of course. That is not so much a new thing as trying to keep on in the direction I have been. I also want to keep in better touch with my cousins, which means brushing up on my Italian. When I am there for a few days, I become pretty functional, but surrounded by English here it becomes hard to remember the simplest things. For regular resolutions, I am trying to quit playing with my hair (I keep messing with the tangles, and it’s like I’m verging on trichotillomania), and keep my thoughts pure. Should be a fun year.

My year on the internet – 314

My writing yesterday ended up primarily about how I have grown over the year, and it was actually pretty significant. So while these last few months, especially in the last few weeks, have been incredibly hard, I guess I can’t really call 2008 a bad year. It was a year of growth and adventure, and 2009 will probably be that way too.

It seemed like bad planning that I needed to take Mom to Italy the same year I was accompanying Julie and Maria to Australia, but I felt like we needed to go. I thought it was so she could spend time with Elda again, because they are very close, but she is going on eighty-seven and there was a real concern that they would not have another chance. I never dreamed Paolo would be the one to go. He is the youngest next to Mom, and was the heartiest, and it’s just not something that we saw coming. It took up money and vacation time, but I can’t regret going. I’m glad we had that chance.

I’ve already stated that I don’t regret Australia and New Zealand, and that’s still true. Maybe I should, but it was a great trip, and I’m glad I went.

I certainly don’t regret the personal growth, and I don’t regret the way that it happened, even if I have had some qualms.

In 2006 and 2007 I was working on my self-analysis paper, and it was good, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to break down my boundaries of privacy, secrecy really, and just stop being afraid of letting people see my weakness. I have learned a few things from this.

One is that being open helps other people. This has been something that I have observed more with my church friends, but sometimes it is a real help to see that you are not the only one who struggles. Maybe it is because of the church setting. We show up nicely dressed and talk about doing what is right, and people often end up feeling like everyone else is perfect (which rarely happens with your coworkers). If you think that everyone else is what you see there, while you, familiar with your own life, know that you are a mess, that can be kind of lonely. A little candor reveals that really, everyone is kind of a mess, but not really because we are all dealing with our messes, most of the time successfully (sooner or later).

The other thing that has been wonderful is finding that people care. I guess the problem at my core was that I believed that if people saw my weaknesses they wouldn’t like me or would use it against me. I’m not even sure why you couldn’t let it happen, but it was clearly bad, and thus my father was always right, even though he frequently was not.

It turns out that when you are down and struggling, people can be really nice. They care, and provide encouraging words, and back you up. Combining this with the fact that acknowledging your errors leaves room for correcting them, it really makes the world a better place. It’s nice to not always have to be the strong one.

Technology has blessed me a lot with this. My blog has been my platform for being open and just putting things out there, be they good, bad, or ugly. I have joked sometimes about my regular six readers, because that’s what I had originally (it has grown a bit), so on one level exposing your soft underbelly to six people is not huge, but still, once on the World Wide Web, it can never truly be retracted, so it has taken a bit of courage, and it has worked. I’m sure blogging about one’s problems is not an all-purpose answer, but it’s been good for me.

The other thing that has been really great is Facebook. I only started my profile in October, after getting back from New Zealand, so I am still relatively new to this, but I have still reconnected with lots of people, and that has been great. This is where some of the support has come from. You can reach out to people easily and have them reach back, and while it can be quick and easy that does not necessarily make it shallow.

It has been great seeing different aspects of people. I’ve been reconnecting with people from all over, but I think the most fun has been people from high school. Oddly, of the four friends I have really kept in touch with from Five Oaks and Aloha, not a single one is on Facebook, so these reconnections have all been new ones.

It is great to see the different aspects of people. Most of us have turned out okay so far. The most profound part has been seeing people as parents, I think. It is just so far from what we were back then, and it is such a natural fit now.

I don’t know that I would have liked it so much before. In the past when I have run into people, it was always unexpected, and usually I was a wreck, like I was out berry picking and was covered in juice and thorns and leaves, but needed to run into the store for pectin. Hi Adam! Or I would be in restaurants or cafes eating, and having body issues felt awkward about that. Sorry John. Getting to do this now where I am feeling more comfortable with myself helps, plus no one knows if I am physically messy. I can type in my nightgown or a ball gown, and it makes no difference whatsoever. So, I am comfortable getting in touch with anyone.

This is also where some of the qualms have come in. For one thing, I was reluctant to add Aaron and Bob as friends because of the way our relationships were when we last saw each other. I felt like if they added me it was fine, but the last thing I needed was for them to get weird ideas about, “Oh, she still wants me.” I held out, but I would keep seeing their comments and photos through mutual friends, and holding off made me feel petty.

In addition, I realized that my whole last three years has been about not worrying about what people think, only worrying about the truth. So if they were still like that, which one would hope was not the case, it still wouldn’t be my problem. So, I added them as friends, with no ill effects. Actually, now that we are apparently past all the adolescent stupidity, Bob is really fun. He posts often and is generally humorous, so it’s fun getting those updates.

That kind of leads into the other qualm. Even if I strive not to worry about other people’s opinions, feelings do matter, and we don’t live in a vacuum. Writing about my hard times often meant writing about other people, and once it becomes conceivable that they could read about their selves I started to wonder if I needed to post any retractions. I thought of some that I could write:

· Even though I said that I did not like him because of his looks, he was nonetheless very good looking.
· I’m sure he would have been able to make varsity anyway, even if there were more people who wanted to play.
· Obviously he has matured a lot now.

I haven’t posted any retractions so far. For one thing, however many people make it to my blog, I doubt they’ll be combing back over old posts. Also, I think I generally did a good job of being even-handed, and pointing out extenuating circumstances. Like I did write about one girl that if we had still been in school together, I know we would have made up, but it was just too easy to not talk. Now we are friends through Facebook, and I am glad, and I did write her possible viewpoint when I posted then, so probably okay. I never wrote anything that was untrue, it’s just that we were all a lot less mature then, me included.

If anyone wants to know if they are mentioned and where, let me know. If after that you want me to write something about how you rescued a kitten, or are a solid citizen now, it’s totally a possibility. As it is, there are probably only four people who look bad. Three of them were from the traumatic incident in junior high (February 9th post), they have very common names, and I don’t think anyone reading it would realize the specific participants unless they were there and still remembered it. Even with that, thinking about it later I think I know how it got started, and I don’t think Jason (I feel compelled to write that this is not Jason C, and I think that will be good enough) meant for anything bad to happen. He wasn’t really the biggest part of it anyway.

For the other person who might be reasonably unhappy with his portrayal, eh, I could have said worse.

Trending downward – 316

I was recently asked for an explanation of the numbers at the ends of my titles. It was something that I started doing in January, after writing about my weight struggles and how I got to be the way I am.

One thing I have realized is that secrets are unhealthy. If we look at where my psychological flaws are, they tend to center around shame and denial. I never believed I was good enough, and I couldn’t bear to deal with it, which kept me unhealthy for a long time. As I started to realize that a lot of my worst fears and hang-ups were built upon false pretenses, I was working on healing and the answer in many cases seemed to be more openness. Share. Don’t hide.

My blog in 2008 pretty much laid all my secrets bare. In the beginning of the year I started with the three traumatic events that shaped my life, and the turnaround, a big part of that was my weight. I had defined myself by my weight for decades, especially in terms of my relationships with other people, believing that no one could love me until I lost weight. I guess to take away power from that number, and to reinforce that reality is what counts, and not what people think or know, I posted my weight at the end of that entry, and promised to keep posting it as a little side note throughout the year.

316 pounds is a lot for a 5’4” person (well, I think I might be 5’5” now, but I haven’t actually had a chance to check). However, I started at 344.5, so I have lost almost thirty pounds this year. It’s not as much as I wanted to lose, or as much as I need to lose, but there are people out there who would love to have lost thirty pounds this year (especially people who are only 30 pounds overweight, which I would love to be). Ultimately, I have to accept that it is not bad.

It is frustrating at times, trying to get this aging body into a shape that it never has been in, and sometimes the pressure of sharing it makes it worse. There have been days when I postponed blogging because I was up and did not feel like reporting it. Honestly, weighing every day is frustrating because there are fluctuations that don’t always make sense. Like one day, after having exercised the previous two days, I was up three pounds. I know I did not gain three pounds of muscle from two aerobic dance workouts. However, the overall direction is down, and I expect it to continue that way.

There has been other growth too. The other main trauma was my belief that I could not be loved or desired, and getting over that required not only sharing one traumatic event and one period of deep depression, but in July I started going over my entire romantic history, which is nothing to brag about, and every boy I’ve ever liked, and I had to dig pretty deep. Obviously I am still single, but I think I must have grown because two weeks ago a guy hit on me and I actually realized it at the time. That’s pretty major for me.

(Nothing happened. I wasn’t really feeling it, maybe because it was at a memorial service, maybe the chemistry just wasn’t there, but in the past it probably wouldn’t have happened, and if it did I wouldn’t have picked up on it because I wouldn’t have believed in the possibility.)

There’s still a long way to go. First of all, I don’t even know what my target weight should be. The BMI range for my weight is between 110 and 145 pounds, which is kind of a wide range (and I tend to believe the system is flawed). Mainly, I want to be healthy. Since I do not intend to become a female body-builder, I am pretty sure that I should be below 200 pounds, so I was thinking that when I get around there I will have my body fat measured, and try out the old presidential fitness tests. Actually, I did fairly well on the majority of those in grade school. I just could never master the flexed arm hang, and I am not sure that running laps is the best test of endurance—not without some training on good techniques and form. I have some time to figure it out. My more immediate concern is seeing if I can like the diabetes. Frankly, while I am unemployed and uninsured, I can’t afford the meds.

One thing that made me feel especially good is that I realized a few weeks ago that I haven’t binged at all, despite having plenty of motivation. It was never something that I did that often, so I don’t think that it will be nearly as important for the overall weight loss as my daily habits, but it was nice to see that I have gotten some improved coping skills. Again, when you are willing and able to face your problems, it makes a big difference.

Of my other big trauma, well, I still don’t drive. I will need to get to that eventually, but I am just going to need to have less on my plate before I can worry about it.

For boys, well, it would be nice if mistletoe could actually be relevant next year, but I am not making any promises. For now, I think I will stick to just working on being happier with myself, except it has occurred to me before that Powells would be a good place to go trolling for boys, and I think I may try testing that out next month.

One aspect of the weight concerns has been that I absolutely hate having my picture taken, and sometimes you just need to make a point of doing what is hard. So I will make sure to have my picture taken at least once a month over 2009, probably updating my Facebook profile or at least adding to my albums. With luck, it will start to document the incredible shrinking woman.

Living in perilous times – 315

With our hearts full of charity we can face the future with faith and hope, and that can sustain us through the trials. The trials are still there, though, and I can imagine at least some people wondering how I could write twice about the Second Coming with mentioning emergency preparedness. That is what we are going to talk about today.

My first priority is still going to be pretty spiritual in nature, and that is going to be cultivating the habit of listening for the still small voice. I remember reading about a steamboat explosion, and a man who lost his family. He had kept feeling that they shouldn’t board, and then that they should get off, multiple times, but he kept ignoring it.

I had read the article shortly before the September 11th attacks, and I remembered it as some people on the message boards were asking where God was, and yet we were learning how many more people could have been killed, but for some reason had waited to go in to work, or decided not to go in at all. It is important to remember that death is not the worst thing that can happen to us, but in addition, remember that guidance and protection are available.

Beyond that, there are many things that you can do to prepare, and my church calling has been related to that in one way or another for the past six year. Of all the temporal things you can do, I will tell you right now that the two most valuable are food storage and financial stability

By financial stability, I mean paying off your debts and building a reserve of savings. This requires living within your means, and planning, but will provide great peace of mind. I am truly regretting not doing this better now, and I am sure there are many others who will join me. It gives wonderful peace of mind to know that what you own is yours, and that collectors will not call. It gives peace of mind to know that if your income is stopped that you have savings that can cover the gap. It is important.

For food storage, you have to eat. Unemployment can affect the ability to purchase food, but there is room for many issues with the food supply. US dependence on importing food has led to some fears, but even the food that does not come internationally generally travels many miles to the consumer, and so when fuel prices skyrocketed, the price of food (and everything else) went up. You can delay buying new clothes or gadgets, but you still have to eat. Flooding in the Midwest destroyed several crops, local farmers had the worst year they could remember due to changes in weather patterns, and although gas is less expensive now, that is not likely to be permanent. Regardless of what obstacles come to finding affordable food, you will still need to eat.

I have been thinking about this a lot, and I feel like I need to start posting the newsletters I have been doing. I want that information to be readily available to anyone who might benefit from it.

I have done preparedness newsletters twice for Tanasbourne Ward and for Beaverton West Stake in between, but I am only going to start posting the more recent round of Tanasbourne newsletters. There would be a lot of redundancy in covering all of them, and I think I am better at it now anyway.

So, I have started a new blog: http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/

It seems like the only way to handle it. I’ve had qualms, like am I really such a narcissist that I need three blogs? Still, I feel like it is important. I will post one a week until we are caught up, and then just go monthly like the actual newsletter. There are about fifteen so far, and I guess about four more will come out by the time we are caught up.

I don’t know how useful some of them are. For example, the tips for preparing for an earthquake probably work with a 6.5 quake, but if we get a 9.0, will it hold up? I don’t know. Use your own judgment. I just like putting ideas out there (still fervently pro-thought).

Regardless of what you do or do not do, remember that the book of Revelations is ultimately a message of hope. Enduring through the apostasy and restoration and tribulations eventually leads to rich rewards. Those who die are safe. The martyrs are shown and they are fine. There is even a promise for those who have to go through the entire thing if we go back to Matthew 24:22…

“And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect’s sake those days shall be shortened.”

Even though things are hard now, at least with my family we don’t quite want it to happen yet, maybe because it feels so final. Reading Matthew 23:39, “…Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord,” makes me think that events will get bad enough that we will change our minds, and that would have to be a pretty dark time. With all of that to worry about, I still know that He will come, and things will be fine, and that until then He is aware of my needs and I am grateful for that.

What does matter – 315.5

I said yesterday that the timeline does not really matter, but the fact that it may be delayed can matter in that one needs to be able to keep going for an indefinite time period. You can read about disasters in the news and feel like you need to repent, and that is a sensible response, but that would probably not be enough to keep you in a repentant state.

Dick Winwood was teaching us about motivation, and he gave three kinds. He used the example of taking his wife out to dinner, with motivation ranging from not wanting to get in trouble with his wife to wanting to do it because he cared about her.

· I have to do it (fear)
· I should do it (duty)
· I want to do it (love)

Why is charity the greatest of all? Certainly it is the trait that will bring us closest to God, and it sanctifies us, but I also believe that it may be the only thing that will sustain us through delays, and tribulations, and times of ease.

So let’s go back to that scenario of a catastrophic disaster, and people all over the world are repenting because they think Christ is returning now and they don’t want to burn. If He doesn’t come right away, how long will that religious fervor last? It will probably start to seem pretty silly, and they might get even wickeder as sort of a rebound effect.

Duty has more holding power, except it can start to feel like a sort of drudgery, and drudgery can wear you down until you are looking for an excuse to break free. Maybe one more trial comes and convinces you that there is no reward for righteousness, or you fall off the tracks a little and it feels good, and going further off track seems completely justifiable. (You can probably add Pascal’s wager as a subset of this—“It’s a good idea to do it”—but I suspect it would also not build much momentum. It seems fairly cynical, and cynicism is really opposite of faith.)

Duty and fear can both be starts, but at some point it needs to move into the heart. The person who was afraid feels something, the drudge finds some joy, and they begin to catch the vision. We need to be finding joy in our testimony, and have a desire to be good. It makes the difference between struggling to sustain our faith and having our faith sustain us.

Some time ago I was watching a video of someone talking about the murder of his friend. He had a lot of anger, and he was not religious, and I started thinking about how easy it is not to believe. Horrible things happen, and they can be understood, but it would also be easy to find religion ridiculous and not soften your heart to faith and forgiveness. Thinking about him, I feel like the key question would be, when you see your friend again, and know he is okay, and that he can never be hurt again, will that be enough? And I can see that some people will be filled with joy, and others will still be angry that the suffering happened at all.

The beauty of belief is that it opens you up to joy now. It will be wonderful to see my uncle again, and not to have to worry about money or health again, but I still get a tremendous amount of joy now from knowing that I am known, and loved, and that there is a plan for me. I receive joy from serving others, and feel confirmation and satisfaction through prayer and scripture reading. If we can connect to that joy we can serve for three years or thirty years. So finding that joy now is what matters most.

I don’t remember where I read it, but I did read a description at some point of Martin Luther’s change to belief in justification by faith, and I could totally imagine his feeling. I’m not saying he necessarily understood the process correctly, but he was weighed down by the burden of trying to save himself, and realized Christ had done it for him, and there was an overwhelming feeling of relief and gratitude.

I remember a friend who had been abused, and she thought she had put it behind her, but memories and pain were coming back, and suddenly she was able to let it go and be healed. I was confused at the time because it seemed so much like repentance, and it had not been her sin, but I remember her being filled with joy and love towards others. She was filled with charity.

I eventually came to understand that she was healed through the Atonement of Christ, and it covered pain as well as sin. In fact, it has to. It seems to me that His taking on the pain caused by the sins of others is what makes it possible for the price of those sins to be paid. And even if that pain is not caused by sin, but by foolishness, or germs, or accidents, there is still room for healing. There was room for my pain when I needed it, and I have had more love ever since.

All I can really say is that it is true. When He says “My yoke is easy and my burden is light” it is true. When He says “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free”, it is true. He is the way. Even if it is hard now, at least leave an opening for Him.

A proposed timeline for the Apocalypse – 318.5

Part of me is reluctant to do this, engaging in scriptural speculation. After all, as we read in Matthew 24:36, “But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father only.” However, I have some interesting ideas on the topic, that could get people thinking, and I do love doing that. So, I will proceed, but with the following guideposts and disclaimers.

· I am not giving an exact time, just a potential guideline.
· I am stating outright that I have no scriptural authority.
· In a very real way, the time doesn’t actually matter.

My very first speculation occurred many years ago. I had heard that that Mayan calendar showed the world ending in 2012, and I had also read that people counting back using the ages given in the Old Testament calculated its start at around 4004 BC. Giving the earth a 6000-year life span, I had thought would put its completion at about 2004. This was a math error, as I should have come up with 1996. Anyway, I split the difference and was thinking maybe around 2008, which at the time was still a long way off. I wasn’t married to the idea; I just kind of had it in mind.

The next key point happened with something President Bott said in reference to Revelations 8:1, “And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.” Previously, all I had ever heard anyone do with this verse is use it humorously as proof that there are no women in Heaven (ha ha). What he did was point out that if to God a thousand years is as one day (many places, but let’s go with 2nd Peter 3:8), that this could represent about twenty-one years. He talked about many other things related to the second coming, and we didn’t really dwell on that point, but I did file it away.

A few years later I was in an institute class, and I honestly can’t remember if it was with Brother Dymock or President Woolley, but he was talking about how what happens in the Book of Mormon is a key to what happens in our times. I started pondering that, and what struck me was the first coming of the Savior. You had the sign of His birth, and everyone believed and repented, and then they fell away, and then the disasters struck with His death and He came, starting off a time of great peace (3rd Nephi).

This gave me a new idea of how things could work. We could have a huge series of disasters, or one big disaster—something that would cause lots of people to think that this is the end and repent, and then nothing happens. Things get better and stay peaceful and maybe even get kind of prosperous, so they forget and fall away and grow in wickedness and then BAM!

It makes sense in relation to many scriptures. Consider Luke 12 and Matthew 24, My Lord delayeth his coming, or 1st Thessalonians 5:2 and 2nd Peter 3:10, where they use the simile of a thief in the night.

Clearly there is supposed to be an element of surprise, and yet many people are looking for the Second Coming now. It grew with Y2K, and I expect to see another bump with December 21st, 2012, but people are expecting something. Every catastrophe that happens, from the World Trade Center attacks to Hurricane Katrina, makes people nervous, especially when several get bunched together, like the tsunami, followed by the earthquake in Pakistan, followed not long after by Katrina. They track these things over at raptureready.com (check out the rapture index).

You could argue that only the faithful are watching, and it is only the wicked that will be surprised, but in the parable of the ten virgins they are all virgins and all invited to the wedding, but half of them still run out of oil.

I am particularly interested in the December 21st 2012 date, because the Nephites did have a specific date. Samuel the Lamanite told them it would be five years until the star, and it was to the day. There are some interesting things scheduled for that time period. (Novelty theory has some really interesting ideas about the date, but they are pretty vague, and I’m not sure that the whole concept is scientifically sound.)

Regardless, I can totally imagine crazy bad things happening on that date, followed by an amazing religious revival that fades along with the fear as no one comes, but He still will come.

So that’s my theory, and it is certainly better thought out than my 2004 idea, but I am still not married to it.

First of all, no one does know, and I am not going to claim to know.

Secondly, it kind of doesn’t matter when it happens. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, it’s pretty much all the same to me, and whether I have four years or thirty years, what is required of me is pretty much the same.

In addition, prophecies just make a lot more sense after they are fulfilled. What Isaiah said about Cyrus is fairly clear, but I don’t think anyone knew how clear until it was fulfilled. I’m not sure even David guessed how literally the 22nd Psalm would be fulfilled. So while I feel confident that I understand prophesies about the learned man and the sealed book, or the stick of Joseph and the stick of Judah coming together, or a voice speaking from the dust, it doesn’t necessarily help me picture the locusts with faces like men and tails like scorpions and hair like women, even if I have some guesses.

I would like to think that Jerusalem being under siege by the entire world and defended by two powerful servants of God for three and a half years would be fairly clear, but you know, maybe not. If everyone recognized it for what it was, they would be crazy not to retreat. (Unless maybe it was not the whole world, but the known world of that time, which would be primarily the middle east, and Muslim, so not necessarily drawing on the New Testament.) I am completely open to finding out that I didn’t understand.

I will mention one other thing that has been interesting to me. When I was in the Missionary Training Center there were about 46000 missionaries in the world. My roommates were learning Cantonese to go to Hong Kong, so I heard a lot about that, and one of the things that was said was that when China does open up, they will need to divert all the missionaries there, I assume because the population is so large and they have been without the Gospel for so long.

It could just be one of those faith-promoting rumors (they also believed that after finishing, all the Chinese-speaking former missionaries could be called up again after China is open) but I was thinking about that, and about needs, and I figured we just needed to triple the number of missionaries. That way we could maintain the current areas, cover China, and also cover the other areas that were closed. (There are less of those now then there were. The first six proselytizing missionaries left for Cambodia the day I came home.) Perhaps the correct total would be 144000. That would be a good symbolic number.

While I was thinking these thoughts, I also thought about tripling the number of temples, which seemed necessary to keep pace. There were about 45 then, so I just rounded up to 150, but then I thought with the time involved that would take an impossibly long time.

Well, the number of missionaries has gone up. In the 2007 statistical report it was 52,686, which is impressive, but not even close to tripled. However, there are currently 128 temples in operation, with another 17 announced or under construction. Just based on my thinking that would be good, I could not have believed it possible. If the prophet had said we would have it, I would have found it difficult to imagine. I would have believed it, but not seen how. Things can happen amazingly fast.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow – 318.5

I wanted to provide a little bit of context for yesterday (at least for the poetry part; I think the day itself and how it progressed was pretty clear).

Many years ago, when I was a missionary, they had a conference for the sisters, and one of the workshops was using humor to deal with adversity. The sisters presenting it had many different ideas and stories, but one thing that they mentioned that stuck with me was writing a poem after having some really bad times.

Several months later, my companions and I had a horrible week. The weather was foggy and horrible, we weren’t getting any mail, people weren’t there when we arrived for appointments, people who were there asked us to stop coming, and when a letter finally did come for me, it told me that one of our cats, Rosy, had died. The nadir arrived one night when we had been at our apartment, and needed to briefly go to the church for a quick meeting.

We didn’t want to carry everything back to the car, so we did not have anything with us. I believe there was no one else there for the meeting when we arrived, so it was a useless trip anyway, but that doesn’t really matter. The important thing is that on our way back, on this dark and foggy night, we got a flat tire. We couldn’t see what we were doing, we did not have any phone numbers or change with us, so we just decided to walk back to the apartment, arriving after curfew, and worry about it in the morning. We did call the district leader to explain, and maybe get some sympathy or commiseration, and nada.

(Of the many problems with male-female communication, the most annoying may be the tendency of males to want to resolve and forget, rather than listen and sympathize. They just do not get it.)

Anyway, missionaries write weekly letters to the mission president, reporting on their activities, and I wrote a poem, getting it all out. Sister Metcalfe’s letter just referred to my letter, saying, “That about covers it.” Then we pretty much forgot about it, except the APs (assistants to the president) showed up at our apartment a few days later. We were confused, and they seemed kind of awkward, and then finally they just said, “Sister Houck was kind of worried about you.” The Houcks had read the letter, and did not realize that the poem had gotten in out of our system. To be fair, that conference happened while we were still under the Botts, so they didn’t know about the workshop. We just burst out laughing, and then assured them we were fine.

Christmas Eve day was truly horrible, and that was especially true in that the only reason I was even out there was to try and prove that something could actually go right, and that the weather was not going to win, and that failed. My sisters and I were talking, and unanimously agreed that this was the worst Christmas ever. (Runners up were the year Dad left, the very tense year before Dad left, and the year Weston’s bone cancer became unbearable we had to take him to Dove Lewis and put him down. The vet had seen him the day before, and we thought we were going to have more time, but he took a turn for the worse during dinner.)

However, I got home and found several supportive messages on Facebook, we had dinner and played Scrabble, and I read A Christmas Carol. The next day there were no presents, but it was a very quiet day (even Misty didn’t come), and we just kind of enjoyed each other, and it was okay. I’m still glad it’s over, and I will be glad when 2008 is over. I’m hoping it will make a difference.

In addition to finding support, and having some good quiet time, I did write the poem and that exorcised the bad feelings. I guess it’s a little bit punk rock. Let me digress again.

When Lance, Julie, and Maria went to Metallica, they had an extra ticket. Lance and Lynn came over for dinner first, and then Lynn was going to hang out with us during the concert. She and I went to get the pizza together, and she jokingly asked me why I wasn’t going. I said, “I guess I’m not angry enough.”

That is a fair reason not to be a fan of Metallica (even though I appreciate them and can tell they are good at what they do), or metal in general, but I am a punk rock fan and that is associated with anger as well. However, when I am listening to punk, or at least the punk I like (Ramones, Clash, Rancid, not the Sex Pistols), I don’t hear the anger. I find it kind of joyful. I know they are writing about horrible things, like child abuse and drugs and alienation, but that’s not how it makes me feel. It’s almost like they take the bad, but then they make a joke of it, and the joke is fun even if the inspiration for the joke wasn’t, and so they get it out of their system. Maybe metal just needs a better sense of humor.

The point of all this is, of course, that no one needs to be worried about me.

So that explains the yesterday; what about today and tomorrow?

I’ve been diverting away from my intended writing quite a bit, following my emotions, which is fine, but I do want to wrap some things up. Similarly to what I did before leaving on that fateful trip to Australia, I shall be writing every day till the year is over. We have wonderful things in store, covering a three-part series on the end of the world, a review of significant events of 2008, and a preview of the future.

Giving into the bitterness for a day – 319

‘Twas the day before Christmas
And I was outside
Hoping that Tri-met
Could give me a ride
To Washington Square
Before Christmas-tide.
Julie had ordered
A cookie for dessert
Weeks before winter
Had frozen the earth.
We wanted to get it
Because it was pre-paid
But it won’t always matter
If plans are well laid.
I had tried on the Monday,
But the bus never came.
This time I left earlier.
My task, it was lame,
And I knew it, and yet,
In my mind it became,
A symbolic quest.
The year’d been a bad one,
There was no doubt.
For the past three months,
Of work I had been out.
Maria’s work had to stop holiday pay,
And she was not getting paid for snow days,
Julie’s job will make cuts
In the new year,
So that news gave us
Something extra to fear.
Loved ones had left us
Too fast for goodbyes,
Plans were canceled for snow,
That was covered by ice.
Sorry Karlin, sorry Lisa,
Maybe next year,
Sorry Lance, Lynn, and Laura,
But it’s no time for tears,
Forget about the concert, it’s not worth the risk.
It was only Chris Botti, buy a compact disk.
We would have liked to see you,
We could have had a ball,
Hopes and plans are dashed away, dashed away all.
So a cookie doesn’t matter,
Not really, I know,
But I just wanted something to go right,
As I stood in the snow.
I’d gotten up early,
To combat two seizures,
But the dog did recover, so why waste the day.
I got bundled up and went on my way.
First 57, the wait wasn’t too bad.
54 takes a bit longer, but came, I was glad,
Just one more transfer, to 56
And I waited, and waited, out there in the sticks.
One person gave up, but we others stood firm
And finally a bus pulled up to the berm.
The sign said 56, to Washington Square.
I found a seat and grabbed my book—
We were on our way there.
But the bus didn’t turn on the street where it should have,
This couldn’t have happened, no, this year, it could have.
The bus said 56, but it was 54
And I just didn’t feel I could bear anymore.
I got off at Fred Meyer, and just bought a cake,
Defeated, I admit it, but it was all I could take,
And I realized as I walked out of the store,
Coat and gloves were still there, but my scarf was no more.
So that’s been our season, it has been tough luck,
At least it is ending, and I don’t give a Merry Christmas.

Dances with death – 317.5

Just after I finished my most recent blog entry I found out that a childhood friend had died. So I woke up losing my uncle and went to bed losing my friend. I have to admit, I’ve had better days, and weeks, and months, and probably years.

Since I was already feeling like I could not take anything else, that and the weather and the increasing tensions here at home would make it very easy to just wallow in self-pity now, but I don’t really want to do that. I have been thinking very serious thoughts.

For me, one death always seems to bring back memories of every other death, or maybe it is just similar ones. Josh reminds me of Matt and Jason and Eric. I guess I am still at an age where when someone of my generation dies it seems fundamentally unfair. Give me thirty or forty years, and maybe it will just be a reminder that my days are numbered (which is true now too, but I am not feeling it).

Usually every time someone has died there has been some sort of lesson in it for me, maybe just helping me to make the loss meaningful. Jason died rock climbing in Australia. I saw him right before he left, and he looked so good—just happy and excited to be going. I couldn’t believe that his trip ended that way, and I suppose it could be seen as a reason not to do adventurous things, but I never ended up feeling that way about it. I wanted to go on and do things that I would feel great about.

Eric was a great guy, and anyone who knew him would say that. What I eventually realized was that I had never had a bad encounter with him. He just radiated kindness and cheer, and I learned that you can do that. You can make every encounter a pleasant one, and that you never know when the last one will be.

So, now Josh is gone. We were pretty close from second through sixth grade. Then I went to Five Oaks and he went to Mountain View, and when we met up again at Aloha he was heavily into drama and I had turned my back on it in ninth grade, so we didn’t cross paths much. From then on, most of my memories of him are watching him perform.

Even if he was not really a part of my current life, I am grateful for the part he played back then. We had a lot of fun together, and as far as I know we never had crushes on each other, so it was just innocent and fun with no pain. Not until now.

I can still learn though, and the main lesson I have gathered this time is just to remember to stay in touch. I have mentioned how much I appreciate Facebook now, and being able to be in touch with people that I have not seen forever. Facebook is actually how I found out he was gone, and then along with the memorial service, blogs have allowed me to share memories and grieve, and doing that communally helps.

We do help each other. Monday night, the hugs and the stories helped. Just being there helped. I went with one friend to talk to Josh’s mother and brother, and I thought we were doing okay, but then we walked off she fell apart a little, and said “I don’t know what to say”. What I realized right then was that it was okay if the words weren’t right, because we all know. Everyone there knew that there is a hole in the world that is the size and shape of Joshua, and that we are grieving for that, and we are doing that together. Anyway, I felt understood. And stupid, a little, because I had shared a story earlier, and I didn’t feel like what I said was quite right or quite what I wanted to say, but it was enough.

That may only work in some situations, and in others there will be people who will misinterpret or even be mean, but I know I have reached out more in this last week, and I have not regretted it. In fact, I was really incoherent in one of my outreaches, and it was still well-received and not regretted.

I know that Josh’s family and those who were currently in his life are hurting more now, and I am thinking of them, and praying that their hearts will be comforted. I know that as much as it hurts to know that Zio Paolo is gone now, it will feel worse the next time we go back, where he used to be. The first hugs with Luciana and Valeria and Alice are going to feel like knives. But they will still be healing, because we will be sharing our love and grief and connecting with each other, and I will still be grateful to be with them again.

Status update – 314

Now that I have finished reconciling my political and religious beliefs, and there was mention of the Apocalypse, I was going to do some follow-up on that which would be pretty cool—even if maybe a little scary and weird. I think I will still do that, but right now I just need to go over my life and what’s happening in it. Maybe I need to vent a bit.

None of the jobs I am applying for are working out. It’s a rough market of course, and the hard part is in most cases you don’t even hear back. I have gotten three signs of possible interest, but two turned out to be a little shady, and the one found out my wage history and didn’t want to waste my time anymore. I might have pressed harder, but it had come out that even though they called the job customer service, sales are a strong component, and you are really supposed to try and go for the add-on sales on every single call. I have a negative capacity for sales. Knowing I need to ask people for money makes me physically ill. So, pressing to take a wage I could not live on at a job that would make me sick didn’t seem like the thing to do, though I did think about it. After all, the money concerns are strong, and they have been joined by sick pets, car problems, and layoff concerns for other family members.

On the screenwriting side, I have three screenplays done. I feel like I come up with stupid titles, but they are Jade Mask, Between the Lines, and Hungry. I wasn’t really sure what to do in terms of marketing, because most production companies won’t take anything unless it is through an agent or an entertainment lawyer, and getting an agent with no track record used to be impossible. I thought maybe if I could get some screen treatments for other ideas set up, and called agencies with three completed scripts and six treatments, at least a few would have to take me seriously. I didn’t know how to do a screen treatment though, and I felt like I should be doing networking. So, I went through LDS Linkups and sent a message to almost every single person with film mentioned in their occupation.

I got a few helpful responses, and some less so, but one common thread was that three screenplays was not a bad start for finding an agent. Currently screen treatments are running at around thirty pages, and I had to put that idea on hold because I can’t justify spending the time to write that out when I could actually be working on a script. Well, if a potential buyer specifically requested it, yes, but otherwise no. So, a few days ago I printed out the list of agencies on the WGA site, and started calling.

It’s a horrible process. The third most common response is that they don’t really take literary clients. When I’m done I’ll send a list of those to the WGA, but one of the offices said they had told the WGA to take their information down already.

The second most common response is that we are not taking new clients, or at least not this year, but the most common response is that we only take referrals. (There was one very complicated one where they are not taking any new pitches, or literary clients, until after the New Year except by referral.) Some have machines, but at this point I cannot leave messages. Whether it would be a callback for the express purpose of rejecting me, or no callback because they are completely ignoring me, I am just not up to it right now.

On the plus side, when every answer is negative, you can make pretty fast progress. I only have about 64 calls left. The down side is that all of those rejections wear a girl down. (Also, I kind of think it’s silly to only look at referrals. For an actor it might make sense, but any agent worth his salt should be able to read a script and see if it’s any good and know if it’s marketable. I suppose it is to save the work of going through lots of scripts that aren’t any good, but isn’t anyone afraid of missing the next big thing?)

It may sound like an exercise in futility, but I guess I consider it to be dues paying. You don’t know what will come through so you need to try everything. I do have a few web sites I can check, and one of the LDS linkup guys and his brothers may film some of my stuff. There wouldn’t be any money in it necessarily, but it could provide some exposure.

Of course, I have come up with a secondary problem, which is that I find that even if I got an offer, I don’t think I could sell Hungry. All along it has been one that I thought I would film independently, because I love it too much to let someone else have it. It is the third one I’ve written, but it is an idea I have been working on since I was fourteen, and it has changed a lot since then, but it is still really a part of me. I thought I had changed my mind, because really it is very marketable and I have no idea when I would be ready to make a film, but as I have worked on it and crafted it, I know I can’t.

What makes that worse is that in my always thinking I would film it myself, I always thought Mitch would be a part of it. At first I thought he would be the vampire, and then I thought he would be the hero, and honestly, he could do either, but still, he was always in it, and so I miss him more as I am working on it, and I have to be honest with myself. I am still in love with him, without any logic or reason. I still think all I need is one reciprocal relationship to get me over him, but I don’t even know what those look like.

That is another point right there. Every year I find myself at the end of the year alone, and somehow that seems to be worse around the holidays. However, as we reach the New Year I always start feeling a little bit of hope and optimism and think, well, maybe next year there will be someone. This year, not only is there still not anyone, but I am unemployed. And I thought just being lonely was bad!

So today I was going to call through L on the agent list, and polish some scenes, and look for some conventional jobs as well, but when I woke up I heard my mother crying, and talking in Italian, and although I did not want to believe it I knew that it meant that my uncle Paolo had not recovered from his heart attack, and that he was gone, and I don’t know how productive I’m going to be today. I’m just a little down.

I’m not depressed. I remember what that was like. I wanted to die, and I wanted to die not just because of how much I hurt but because I could not believe that things would ever get any better. I know things will get better here. I will find a job, or I will sell a screenplay (or both), or I will finally, after making it into their contestant database three times, finally get called to go on Jeopardy. Something good will happen financially.

With my uncle, that one’s harder, but I am so glad Mom and I went in May. More than that, I am grateful for the Resurrection, and that I know he is okay. I don’t even know how I would feel for that.

So, my mental soundtrack right now is “I’m Not Okay” (My Chemical Romance, old school version), but really, I am okay. More accurately, I know that I will be okay and that keeps me from being completely un-okay now.