Not the most annoying kid ever

One thing that worries me for others, but I do it myself, is a tendency to see ourselves as so much worse than we are.

Picking up from where we left off yesterday, gaining maturity is a process, and older and wiser people are often willing to cut you some slack. Their more mature perspective probably helps, but it looks different to us. We may know that they are being gracious, but think that they are still marking down a demerit, and the cringing continues long afterward, when it probably doesn't need to.

A couple of months ago I was visiting with a friend, and we spent some time with her mother as well. We have been friends since third grade, so we go way back.

As I was getting ready to leave my friend's mother said how nice it was to see me because she had always liked me. I expressed surprise because I thought of myself as being a really annoying obnoxious child. That surprised her. She had thought I always had something interesting to say.

That was nice to hear regardless, but I started thinking about why I thought I was annoying, and really it came down to two incidents, which I shall report right here, right now.

The first one came when we were watching Auntie Mame on television. Mame's nephew brings an annoying fiancee home, and she keeps repeating  "I can't tell you how pleased I am to make your acquaintance." Because she way annoying, and repetitive, I made some joke about how for not being able to tell her, she was sure talking a lot, or something like that, and I didn't think anyone picked up on the joke, so I repeated it, and then I realized that it had been heard, it just wasn't funny.

The other time was that they had given me a book, The Wind in the Door, and she asked me how I liked it. There had been a printing error with the book, where one section of the book had repeats of previous pages instead of the correct pages, so there was a chunk of the plot missing, and I started telling her about that when I was sure later that the appropriate response would have been "Thank you. I liked it." It wasn't badly intended - part of my need to talk about it was that I was so surprised that such a thing could happen, and I was still wondering what happened in those pages, so it was on my mind, but I felt like it was a major gaffe.

As a sane adult now, I know that I would not hold those things against a kid. As the kid, I'm still embarrassed.

There is some value in this. I am pretty sure the incident with the book was where I became really good about thanking people. I can't say that I never tried too hard on a joke again, but I at least have a better chance of recognizing it.

It is interesting looking back because while I have this collection of embarrassing incidents, involving multiple people, that I don't like remembering, it's when examining them that they lose some of their power. Yes, my lack of mortal enemies could also work as an indicator that maybe I haven't been too horrible, but reinforcement is nice.

There were things already in place that made it easier to feel a sense of wrongness. There have been a lot of memories coming back during the reading, and why some of them impressed on me so forcefully makes more sense now. We will get into that eventually, though I think I may be getting political for a little while, or maybe get more into Halloween.

The point for today is that not only was I probably not the most annoying kid ever, though I am grateful for that. In addition, it is possible that you have similar concerns, and yet probable that you were in fact a very good and likable kid, and still someone good now.

Childhood development

I saw something at church a while back that stayed with me.

I have favorites of the little kids. I don't deal with them much, so if there are secretly ones that I like more than others, I don't think it's that bad. Obviously, if I ever get an assignment with children, I'll have to adjust my thinking.

Anyway, one of my favorites had a bad day in easy view of me.

Her mother was not there that day - maybe sick - and I guess that meant less attention to go around, which she was probably feeling. Her brother was ignoring her, coloring, and she suddenly took a crayon and drew a line down his page.

Based on her smile, this was a playful move for her, but it was an annoying move to him, and he shoved her. The shove wasn't terribly hard, but the way she said his name after that was so reproachful and heartbroken.

She had been standing, but then she got up and sat on her seat and did not look at anyone. Her father tried to reach out to her, but she was not having it.

Watching her from a few rows back, I felt like I understood her perfectly. There was that mix of emotions, but there wasn't quite the maturity to understand what to do with them. There can be appropriate ways to ask for attention, especially if you can admit to yourself that it's really what you want. Sometimes you have to accept not getting attention right away.

It also reminds me of watching an episode of "World's Strictest Parents". I had never watched the show before, but the premise is that kids with behavioral problems at home are sent to parents with well-behaved children to straighten out. I watched it because a girl I was familiar with through Twitter was on an episode, and she put up a link.

There was a point in the show where she sounded like a 4 year old. It's not that she was having a tantrum, but there was a catch in her voice that made her sound very young, and I could just feel that mismatch, of knowing that you are not quite right, but you are still hurting and don't know how to make it right.

Maturity needs to be learned. Some of it may be observed before you do anything too awful, but sometimes we learn by getting it wrong, and there is chastisement or mockery or maybe people are nice about it but you still know and there is the burn of humiliation.

I doubt my little favorite will remember this incident like I do. She may only remember part of it, like feeling bad because her brother shoved her. The whole thing may fade like so much of childhood does, but there may be a result where, without knowing why, she never writes on someone else's page again.

I do know that her father doesn't hold it against her. I don't hold it against her. I know her behavior could count as bratty, but I don't think of her as a brat. Her brother might for a while, which will work itself out, but adults tend to understand that it takes time, and they are willing to allow that time.

That became more clear to me with an incident that I will write about tomorrow.

Band Review: Falling Here

Falling Here is a pop punk band from Rome Italy, and I have really enjoyed reviewing them this week.

I had some concerns that I could be biased in their favor. I am half-Italian, and one of their videos shows Rome at Christmas, where we hope to be this year, so there could be some sentimental favoritism going on there. There have been plenty of bands that I have wanted to like and not been able to though, so I believe my judgment is fair, and that Falling Here are actually good.

Songs are energetic and fun. Videos can be a little obnoxious, with unnecessary birds and rudeness (because punk), but at the same time the band remains likable. (Again, punk.)

There is a full-length album from 2013, Wrong Ways, which is pretty good. I especially like the way that "Friendship >Fame" builds, as well as "Start Over Again!" However, do not overlook the 2012 EP Life Gets Easy. There are only four tracks but they are strong.

https://www.facebook.com/fallinghere

https://itunes.apple.com/it/album/life-gets-easy-ep/id567736729

https://www.youtube.com/user/FallingHereTV

https://twitter.com/Fallinghere

Band Review: Loaded Guns

Loaded Guns is a Miami-based rock band with strong metal influences. At various times they remind me of Metallica and Tommy Shaw, but I hear more modern hardcore influences as well.

There is a good energy to the music. "Too Bad" is a good example of how they thrash, but then you hear some surprisingly delicate themes on "In Your Name". "Haunted" is just interesting; it goes interesting places.

Currently there are nine tracks available on Soundcloud, as well as one music video on the Bryan Stars channel.

The video is a little lackluster. The band is pretty good-looking and charismatic, so I believe there is some unrealized potential to capitalize on in the video field.

Here's wishing them good luck.

https://soundcloud.com/loadedgunsusa

https://www.facebook.com/official.loadedguns

https://twitter.com/LoadedGunsUSA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POd4upqqgxE

Web comics

One of the challenges of this period of my life is learning the best way to do things.

Some of that is a matter of networking, but there are also technical aspects. Yesterday was the first time that I published something to Kindle. The formatting is probably not as good as it could be. The cover is kind of dull.

That's okay - it's a learning experience. I learned things from going through the process yesterday, I am still learning things as I try to send out a couple of review copies and track sales (two so far), and I will know more the next time I put something up.

I need to re-examine my profiles, because I have more things to link to now with the book and with the 6-page scripts. Using Wattpad may not be the best place for what I am doing with the 6-page scripts, but I am exploring. Posting the first had some stumbling blocks, but it is going smoothly now.

Some questions are more cosmetic in nature - how do I make it look right - and I am not even sure what to call the question of getting people to see things, especially people who might pay for it, but also, a lot of what I do has different goals.

I want to sell the full-length screenplays to someone who will film them. I don't want to make any money on the blog. I do want individual readers to buy the book. I don't expect to sell the 6 page screenplays, but if I could leverage them so that people who might buy the full-length screenplays realize that I can do stuff, that would be good. I would like to sell Karate Kat and The Bear in the Net as children's books, but in their current forms they are freely available on the internet (but better forms are possible).

The most questions happen with the comics. I do want people to read them and be amused. I do not expect to sell any of them as long as I am drawing my own. I would not be against working with someone who could draw, and then that could be for money. But also, I am not good at displaying it.

I have mainly focused on my frustration with not being a very good artist, but at the same time, scanning in drawings as PDFs which I then load to Dropbox has not been completely satisfying.

Some of that appears to be the PDF format, and I should be working more with JPEG or some other type of file. I could then use Tumblr or DeviantArt to gather them together. I haven't decided which makes the most sense.

There is still the primitive nature of the art. There are two things that I want to draw right now, but very dark shades are needed to set the right mood, and my pencils will not manage it. Do I put in scraps of black construction paper? Can I do some of it on the computer without investing in new software and a tablet? I don't know.

I will be started some books soon that I hope will be helpful, but the other thing that I am starting now is exploring the long list of web comics that I have been meaning to explore. (Seriously, the list keeps growing without me even trying to find more.) So expect some reviews of web comics coming soon.

I don't know how well I can do at this. Marketing myself has never been a strong point, and then there are all the new things that I need to figure out as well. However, there are two things that are really good for me: learning and being creative. Those things are happening.

Cara

Today I uploaded my first novel to Kindle Direct Publishing. 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00O9A9QV6

I started writing it shortly after graduating from University of Oregon in 1996. It was about a girl who returns to U of O after her mission, and she falls in love with someone who is not a member of the church.

It is obviously not based on my life, because I fell in love before my mission, not after, and we didn't end up together, but it was still close to my heart. I may have been doing customer service in the tech sector for income, but the plan had always been to write, and now I was really getting started.

Because it was LDS-themed that limited the market. I knew of three publishing houses to try, so I sent it to all of them, and they all said no.

That was disappointing, especially because I had started imagining all of these other love stories happening in between Portland and Eugene, and I thought I would write all of them, and then it was like, okay, that's not happening.

A few years later I was cleaning some files, and I found my rejection letters and re-read them. They had been better than I remembered. I guess what I had learned by then was that no matter how much publishers might think readers would enjoy reading your novel, they have to give even more weight to considering whether they can get anyone to buy your novel. I may think I write better love scenes than Jack Weyland, but I do not have his name recognition.

I felt better about my writing. These letters were complimentary, and the people whom I had let read it, which included at least one person who wasn't a member, had liked the book. At the same time, it seemed too late. For one thing, the book was now essentially recent historical fiction. There is one chapter that hinges on not getting a letter. People had cell phones when I was writing it, but they weren't very common. Now not only are they more frequently used than land lines, they have pretty much abolished long distance charges.

Also, I would think about all of these parts that were maybe too preachy, or trying too hard to tie it to Eugene, which would only be interesting for people who went there, and it felt like any attempt to go back to it wouldn't be worth it.

Fast forward to 2014, and I am trying once more, very hard, to break into writing, and I started remembering Cara. Something else I am going to work on soon will be set in 1994 and 1997, so that could be part of it, but I started thinking maybe I could put it up, just to see. I opened the file to take a look.

Okay, I did see where I used too many words, and that there were parts that were kind of clunky, but I forgot that there were things that really moved me too. There were things that were funny and touching and it was about people that I really liked. So I did go through and make a few improvements, but it is basically still what it was, and it is in the process of publishing and will soon be available to anyone who wants it for $2.99.

I'm not pinning a lot of hopes on it. There is still a limited market, I think, but I am giving it a chance as part of giving me a chance. And it's practice, because in November I am going to convert the Family Blood screenplay into a novel, and when I upload that I will have already had some experience with the process.

(And I have a better business plan here, because I intend to give the sequel away for free, and I believe that will drive interest in the first and third installments. Plus, vampires have a pretty wide audience.)

It's really just one more thing in a week where I am doing a lot of different things, but it feels good. It feels like things are happening. I'm ready for that.

Putting it all out there

This morning I uploaded a new screenplay to Amazon Studios. It can be viewed, along with other screenplays, at http://studios.amazon.com/users/70821.

That could be significant on its own, but that is not all that is going to happen this week. Tomorrow I am going to put a novel up for sale. I will explain more about that in tomorrow's blog post.

Wednesday I will link to more comics I have drawn, and blog about things I am trying to do differently in terms of making them more accessible. I will also be updating my LinkedIn profile, and checking out the submission guidelines for a couple of places, and trying to find a publisher for The Bear in the Net and Karate Kat, both of which I think could do well as children's books.

Also, as I said I would Wednesday, I am publishing one 6 page script per day this month, viewable here:

http://www.wattpad.com/user/GinaHarris827

That will become progressively more impressive as the month progresses.

It's a lot of stuff, and it does relate to the long reading list, and to being restless, and the other things I have mentioned.

Part of it is that I just have a desire to share. As much as it is try that I write for myself, I then still want other people to read it.

A lot of it is that I just want to be a professional writer.

Everything I have ever said about needing to write anyway, whether I am paid for it or not, is still true, but I want to be paid for it. I want to have the freedom to focus on my writing rather than it having to be the thing I fit in with my other responsibilities. I have always wanted that. I have tried for it before, but I haven't been as aggressive as I could.

It's hard to really believe in yourself, at least it has been for me. Putting yourself out there is one thing, and then actively promoting yourself is even worse. I still have to figure out how far I want to go with that. There are some people who encourage others to buy their book several times a day, and that seems not only annoying but probably also not effective.

I don't know what will be effective, but I need to try and figure that out. I need to believe in me and take a chance on me.

To some extent I do. I like my writing. As I stretch myself and try new things, I know I can do it. The hard part is trusting other people to see it, and having the confidence to ask them to look.

I have to manage it though, because it is the only way to get the life I want, and also, it is for those people I care about. If I tell them to believe that good things can happen and to be brave, and I won't do it, how can they trust me?

As I blog about the reading over the next few months (that's my estimate; I'm not really sure), that will be something I keep coming back to. How do you believe in yourself? Why don't we?

Maybe sometimes the only answer is to throw yourself in.

Album Review: Hesitant Alien by Gerard Way

The unintended theme of this week's reviews (other than New Jersey) is me looking at genres I was not really familiar with and coming away with new perspectives. In the case of Gerard Way's new solo album, Hesitant Alien, the genre is glam rock. Whether that new perspective can be explained coherently remains to be seen.

When I first saw Way's new photos, I immediately thought of David Bowie in "Modern Love". Technically, I don't think Bowie was even considered to be particularly glam there; I believe that look and sound falls more under post-disco/New Wave. Then I saw the first video, for "No Shows", which takes place on an intergalactic television program, with an audience that looks ready to participate in the "The Time Warp", and that led to thinking more "Starman" and "Ziggy Stardust", and about what being a hesitant alien means.

In an interview performed with the Pink Station Zero host (which it is possible should not be taken completely seriously), Way refers to never having felt like he fit in, but then he decided that was how he fit in, and that there was a need for that. When you go into space, you are the alien, and I believe there are feelings of hesitation, but that it has ultimately been embraced.

One thing I noticed re-watching "Modern Love" is that there is a range of styles being worn by the various performers. Some of them have similar style, but not all. That carries through in the "No Shows" video. The guitarist and the singer are more tailored, the bass player and the drummer are more casual, and there does not really seem to be a unified color palette, but it all works together.

The reason glam had never made sense to me was that the various bands it referred to didn't really seem to have a lot in common musically, but perhaps that was never the point. If instead it was about breaking boundaries and shining, then there can be infinite ways of doing that. Once you give up on needing to fit in, it no longer matters that you can't, and suddenly there is room for everybody.

Which is a lot to say without describing anything musically at all, but I think this album fits in well. There is a fuzziness to the sound which reminds me of old radio transmissions, and it seems equally plausible that they could be coming out of the past or from outer space and deal more with the future.

The intro on the very first track, "The Bureau" reminds me of Hendrix, but that is just one aspect of a diverse and complex album. "Brother" has the most layered textures I have heard all year, including some lovely keys.

The album is not too closely anchored to any one type of sound or year, another way in which the space theme seems appropriate. Still, my biggest mental image is very earthbound. It started from "Action Cat", but not only there, and it's like being out at night after a rain, and seeing streetlights reflecting off of the wet streets. It has rained, but there is still light. It is might even be lonely, but in the next moment you could down the road to the next adventure, or you could turn around and walk straight into an Edward Hopper diner scene. That may  not make sense, but that's how the record sounds to me.

Hesitant Alien is available via both iTunes and Amazon for download, but you can get CD and vinyl bundles via Way's site.

Also, if you are interested in following Way's progress, I recommend following not just Way, but also LolaPlusG on Twitter, who sends out news updates.

http://hesitantalien.gerardway.com/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCt27MCKTkEqDyKQxRiimL5Q

https://twitter.com/gerardway

https://twitter.com/LolaPlusG

Band Review: Science

Science is one of those bands that I had been meaning to check out for a while. Having finally gotten around to it, I am so glad I did; they are really good!

I can't remember ever hearing any other band reference "qualitative properties" in a song, but Science does in "Less Is More", and it works. I do seem to remember reviewing at least one other band that listed Nikola Tesla as an influence, but I know no one else mentioned Carl Sagan (or George Carlin for that matter).

Speaking of things that I found on their Facebook page, their genre is listed as Frog Rock, which could just be adorable, but the biography refers to "melodic prog rock", which casts everything in a different light. Prog rock on its own indicates a willingness to be experimental and is generally accompanied by a high level of skill, all of which is here. Sadly, prog rock also often forget to be at all enjoyable to listen to. By not forgetting to be melodic, and by keeping the sense of fun that might cause you to refer to "frog rock", Science is good listening.

The closest comparison I can make is to Reggie and the Full Effect, where there is that mix of lightness and quality. Science is not quite as obviously silly, possibly because of all the scientific terminology. I haven't checked to see if all of the terms are being used correctly, but I suspect the science is good, because Science is good and so it follows logically.

I know I am using the word "good" a lot, but I want to emphasize that. The reason I have been meaning to check them out for a while was hearing good things often, and yet I see that they do not seem to have a large following. I realized that all the praise that I have seen has come from other musicians.

There are two things with that. First, it shows that people who know music pretty well think highly of them, which is often a good sign. Mainly, though, I just think more people should check them out.

So check out some Science! There are a variety of links posted.

My personal favorite tracks are "Beat Test" and "Emulsify Our Hearts". Quod erat demonstratum.

www.sciencenj.com

https://soundcloud.com/sciencenj

https://www.facebook.com/sciencenj

https://www.youtube.com/user/ScienceNJ

http://sciencenj.blogspot.com/

http://trustinscience.tumblr.com/

https://twitter.com/sciencenj

PS: Normally this week I would be covering the other two bands from last week's concert, but I find I could not do them justice at this time, so I am just going to owe them reviews for now. Science felt like a good bridge between last week and tomorrow's review, and because they were such a good band to cover, it makes me very optimistic for when I get around to This Good Robot.

One month, 186 pages

Today I have started a new challenge.

I had written about two years ago about this idea of having a month where I wrote one six page script every day. I could never really justify it, because there were always other things that I needed to work on.

Also, I wasn't sure that it would really be that beneficial. Obviously writing six pages a day on a project that I hoped to sell would have value, but what would I do with 31 short pieces. (It had to be on a month with 31 days, or it was wimping out.)

I started thinking about it again since I have been thinking about deliberate practice. That would be a way of stretching myself, certainly. I wasn't sure if it would be a useful way, but the idea wasn't leaving me. If there has been one thing that has been consistent for me, it's that when I feel like I need to do something, I need to do it. So, I'm doing this.

Right now what I have is a page of notes. It has one column of different genres, one column of different titles and plot points that I might work on, a short list of things that I have never done or don't like doing that it might be good to try, and also a short list of different monsters.

It is October, and that might be a reason to work more with frightening subjects. Also, I know from experience that when I am keeping it short there is less investment, for the writer and the reader, and so it is easier to go dark or weird or absurd. That's not just me; I have seen it with many novelists whose short stories are twisted in a way that their long fiction never was.

The way I see this working is that I will have an idea in mind the day before, and while I might have the plot worked out, I will not write anything until its day. I will then write the six pages before work so that I can have some time to come back with fresh eyes before publishing that evening. It's not a lot of time, but it's not that many pages either. Obviously there may be some limitations on quality, but I want them to be entertaining.

I am going to be putting them up on Wattpad. I used Ficwad for the long one, but that seems more geared toward fan fiction, and while some of these will use established characters, not all will. The link is http://www.wattpad.com/user/GinaHarris827, but there is nothing published now.  (There is a draft of Disney Avengers.)

I am going to try for publishing around 8:00 PM (Pacific), and then I will link via Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

It's already hard. I was planning on doing Disney Avengers eventually, but that wasn't what I thought I would do today. I started one thing that was humorous, but I realized that it wasn't funny enough for six pages. I could add content, but it would still be the one joke, that was maybe only good for three pages. However, I think I can subvert it, so it may still come up.

For the record, I am writing in Final Draft 8. Generally one written page is one minute filmed, so if I am using pages and minutes interchangeably, that's why.

There is a lot of writing happening this month. Be warned!

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/09/practice-writing.html

Why I was reading what I read

I finished The Bell Jar on July 1st last year, so that's how long I have been working on this reading list. I know have referred to it at times, but I have never spoken very clearly about, because it is hard to explain for multiple reasons.

First of all, there is no clear way to categorize the reading. Some of it is psychological in nature, and some of it is feminist, but I don't know that there is any one word that takes in all of them. They were all connected, and all intended toward a single purpose. That's the second thing that's hard to explain.

I have referred to making friends through Twitter that have made me more aware of mental illness, eating disorders, depression, suicidal tendencies, and self-harm. They are mainly female, and largely in their teen years, but saying that I am connecting with young girls via the internet can't possibly sound right. It would be easier if I had some simple way to refer to them, but no label has ever felt right, and that is probably not a coincidence. Suffice it to say that there are people I care about a lot, and want to help.

I  have pretty clear memories of my own adolescence, but there were still a lot of things I have never dealt with, and I wanted to know more. I wanted to be able to help more. My standard operating procedure when I want to know more is to look for a book. That's how I came up with the reading list.

It started with a list of about nine books. Obviously there was mission creep. Some of that was that I had other things going on. In the course of reading it I went through two Black History months and one Native American Heritage month, plus the MOOC and books that my sisters checked out that I wanted to read too.

I eventually needed to use a spreadsheet to keep track of it, and while that spreadsheet now has 11 tabs tracking various things, the Books tab now contains 10 other reading lists, though only one of them is really long. (Those will probably all eventually get their own posts.) It wasn't a fast process, but it was never going to be.

It is also not a tidy ending. For one thing, going back to the mission creep, there are books that I had not planned on reading initially that are sort of connected now. For example, Her Mother's Daughter mentions the Summer Hill school, which I felt like I needed to look into more. So I am now reading a book about the school, and after that I have one that is a follow up for many of the students who attended.

(I am also reading Drop Dead Healthy, which relates to the aftermath of the reading and things that I need to do, and Last Chain on Billie, which is a book that Julie read because it was mentioned in the Elephant Sanctuary newsletter.)

I could consider that still having those books unread means that I am not done, except there will always be more books. What I have read has covered the intended ground. I'm not going to stop reading, but it's okay to work on some other things. There were some exercises that I did with certain books, especially Behind the Mask and Fat is a Feminist Issue II, and they made me think of other exercises I should do, some of which are done, but some of which are not. They are extensions of this moving forward phase that I am in now.

There are going to be many, many blog posts about the reading. There has already been some journal writing, and there will be more, but there are two things that I want to point out now.

One is that having recently read Where Good Ideas Come From: The Natural History of Innovation by Steven Johnson, one of the points mentioned is that the big innovators tend to have hobbies, and friends in other fields, because then you can get diverse ideas bouncing off of each other.

Seeing a justification for my dilettantism is nice, but the other interesting thing was that he mentioned some famous minds, like Bill Gates, taking reading vacations where they will take a month and read a variety of different books, and it can stir up ideas.

For the past few months, any time someone has asked me if I did anything interesting, the answer was always reading, so I totally see the appeal in just setting time aside and doing it all at once, and yes, I know I have forgotten things from the start because of the time elapsed. It is also not practical for everyone to do such a thing though, so I would like to recommend Smithsonian Magazine. They cover a range of interesting topics each month, and I can see it working well for creativity and general knowledge. (I say that admitting that my magazines are piling up too.)

The other thing is that when I mention moving forward, I hope there is something literal there. I have been restless and I think I am on the verge of change. I have been through big projects a few times before, and interesting things have happened.

About seven years ago I finished 100 pages of introspection, and then I had a dream with a haunting image that became the basis of my first screenplay. After writing one and a half screenplays, the world economy crashed and I lost my job. After finishing six screenplays, not selling any but getting a new job and having many other things happen I crashed, and I couldn't write anymore.

About two and a half years ago, I fell in love with a band and was shaken by a video, and four hundred pages later I had worked through what I needed to, and it was right after finishing it that my timeline began to fill up with young girls. That's what led me here.

This has been different. The other projects were writing, not research. Now the writing will start, and maybe that will be the real conclusion. I have never known in advance where something would take me, and I don't know now.

I will be trying very hard to capitalize on my other writing, and there will be some more on that tomorrow and next week.

It will be a new month, after all.

A very long reading list

I have kind of completed a reading list. It was a long one, that kept growing so it ended up requiring a spreadsheet. That led to me using the spreadsheet to start grouping other things that I want to read, so that I now have ten other reading lists waiting.

(They range from 2 - 14 books, except for the one that will be over 100, but they will probably all have their own blog posts in due time.)

This one was only 31, kind of, but it is so nebulous and there was so much mission creep, that I think today I just need to list the books with a little information, and then tomorrow I will try and explain how it all goes together. I'll link to two posts at the bottom that should kind of help.

1. The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath - This covers depression, mental illness, and suicidal thoughts. Very good.

2. Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence, Rosalind Wiseman - This is for the adolescent social order, especially for girls. It was okay, but I ended up finding Odd Girl Out more helpful.

3. Thirteen Reasons Why, Jay Asher - This was for suicide again. I thought it was really helpful.

4. You Are Not a Gadget, Jaron Lanier - This was for how the internet and the way we interact with it affects us. It was interesting, but not really what I had been looking for. It's a little dull.

5. The Plague, Albert Camus - A friend had mentioned this book a long time ago, about how there were healers and carriers and the ill. That actually just comes up at the very end, but it was still a pretty good book.

6. Cinderella Ate My Daughter, Peggy Orenstein - This one was great. It's about how marketing targets young girls and affects them, which is a big subject, but it moves at a good pace and doesn't get you bogged down.

7. In Search of Fatherhood: A Mother Lode of Wisdom From the World of Daughterhood, Kevin Renner - This was the most disappointing, because I thought my biggest issue might be in here somewhere, and have a solution. The author said he could listen to any woman talk about her relationship with her father and predict her current relationship. That may be true, but you can't tell it from the book.

8. Behind the Mask: Adolescents in Hiding, Dennis Rozema - This was okay. I think it would work best for a teenager to read and go through the questions like a workbook. A parent might find it helpful, but they might find it to be really familiar group.

9. For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf, Ntozake Shange - This is not that much about suicide, but it is different sides of the female experience women of color. It is probably more useful to see it performed, but that's not always an option.

10. Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism, Suzanne Pharr - Very enlightening. This was for sexism, but it works for knowing more about the prejudice and the obstacles that can be out there.

11. The Colossus and Other Poems, Sylvia Plath - Basically after reading The Bell Jar I wanted to read everything by Sylvia Plath ever, and I do still want to read more, but it did not necessarily fit in with the rest of the list after reading it.

12. Slut! Growing Up Female With a Bad Reputation, Leora Tanenbaum - Pretty good. One of the most important things, though it did come up in other books, was seeing how the word is used for reasons that have nothing to do with promiscuity.

13. Wintergirls, Laurie Halse Anderson - This was for eating disorders, and because some people I care about referenced it a few times. It's pretty good.

14. Holy Sh*t: A Brief History of Swearing, Melissa Mohr - Excellent book. I wanted to read it to understand better how language is used in that way, and why, based on some things I had seen and heard.

15. Odd Girl Out, Revised and Updated: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, Rachel Simmons - This is the social order of girls again, but I thought it was much better in terms of both the writing style and the practicality of the information given.

16. The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry, Jon Ronson - This was a really interesting book. In terms of the mental issues that are described, I am not sure that they relate that much to the project, but as there are factors that can increase narcissism and decrease empathy with the internet and gadget use that is quite common today, it seemed relevant.

17. Columbine, Dave Cullen - This was for a different side of teen feelings. Well-written, and it is also important because what people remember and think they know about Columbine is wrong.

18. Our Band Could Be Your Life: Scenes from the American Indie Underground, 1981-1991, Michael Azerrad - Based on the title I thought it might have more about how devoted fans, especially young fans can get, but it was really more about the bands. Still, it helped me understand Nothing Feels Good (which does not appear on this list) better. It was on the music list too.

19. The Beauty Myth: How Images of Female Beauty Are Used Against Women, Naomi Wolf - Well, attitudes about female beauty have been a key factor in this whole thing, and this book is excellent.

20. The Feminine Mystique, Betty Friedan - This makes so much sense. I read it and The Beauty Myth concurrently, and they work really well together. I know that as old as this is, it should be less relevant, but it is not.

21. Her Mother's Daughter: A Memoir of the Mother I Never Knew and of My Daughter, Courtney Love, Linda Carroll - As I was getting to the next one, it was Mental Health Awareness month, and I thought together they could really help. One thing this book really reinforced, along with another book I was reviewing around the same time, is how not having a sense of self leads to passivity, especially sexual, which is not healthy.

22. The Day the Voices Stopped, Ken Steele - I needed to be able to tell people that it is possible for the voices to stop, and that would have been enough, but this is also a great window into what it is like to have schizophrenia.

23. Strange Justice: The Selling of Clarence Thomas, Jane Mayer and Jill Abramson  - This was for sexual harassment, and there was good information, though it is probably more interesting for the political aspects.

24. The People's Platform: Taking Back Power and Culture in the Digital Age, Astra Taylor - I read this hoping that it would fill in some of what You Are Not A Gadget missed, but it was really slow going, and a lot of it felt unnecessary.

25. Fat is a Feminist Issue 2, Susie Orbach - I hadn't realized that I ordered the second one until it came. This mainly meant that there was more of a focus on support groups and exercises, and that was pretty helpful.

26. Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers' Schemes, Sharon Lamb and Lyn Mikel Brown - This covered similar themes to Cinderella Ate My Daughter, but in much greater detail. They may have overdone it, but at the same time it covered a lot of things I had never heard of.

27. Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, Michael G. Thompson with Lawrence J Cohen and Catherine O'Neill Grace - This considers friendship from the point of cognitive development, and was really interesting.

28. The Vertigo Years: Europe 1900-1914, Philipp Blom - It feels like we are in a similar type of world to the one in the time period covered, and maybe on the verge of disaster. I wanted to explore that. The book had a lot of interesting information, but I didn't really feel like it cohered well.

29. Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, Robert D. Putnam - This was more for seeing how society is going in terms of relating to each other, and there was some good information but it was terribly dull in the execution. It was overly academic, but there is lots of data if that's your thing.

30. Amsterdam: A History of the World's Most Liberal City, Russell Shorto - A lot of the people that I was thinking about are Dutch, and they say their society is really superficial, and as an American seeing other people call their country more superficial is kind of weird. It was a really good book, though I am still not sure about the superficiality thing.

31. Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher - I had read this before, but I promised to do a refresher before I had teenage daughters. It's really good.

Anyway, that's what I had been working on. Tomorrow I will try and make it all make sense.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/11/41-14.html

http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2013/07/all-over-place.html

Concert Review: FRNKIERO ANDTHE CELLABRATION

It was a really good show.

I was worried that I would miss something, coming off from work, but just as I got onto the floor level I heard screams, and I could tell they had just come onto the stage. (A lot of the 7:00 bands don't get a lot of respect, but not this time.)

The band started playing with an extended instrumental sequence that was full of unity and intensity. That was probably the most amazing thing to me throughout the show - the level of unity felt with the band. Iero wrote the album himself, and did all of the performing on Stomachaches except for some drum tracks performed by Jarrod Alexander (currently touring with Gerard Way and the Hormones).

You cannot tell this by watching them. Everyone takes ownership and plays their heart out. Some of this may be due to Iero's performance style. I am tempted to call it low-key, but that's not accurate. It is intense, but other than the occasional water fountain it is not really showy. Usually when he thrashes it is facing the drummer, away from the audience. There is no preening or flirting with the audience, which a lot of lead singers do and it works for them, but here the focus is just on making the songs live.

Previous relationships also probably do not hurt. Bassist Rob Hughes and Iero have played together in LeATHERMOUTH, and in addition to Iero doing some production work for guitarist Evan Nestor's band Science, they are brothers-in-law. I can't find any information that drummer Matt Olsson has worked with any of them previously, but there are geographical ties and they have all brought their own amounts of skill and experience, and together it works. It is not a flashy show, but it doesn't need to be.

(And maybe it's better not to be - I could barely see one of the other acts due to all of their back-lighting.)

One thing I like about live performances is the chance to get a different perspective. Listening to Matt Olsson's own music, it is pretty mellow, so seeing him here just pounding on those drums showed a completely different side.

Rob Hughes has incredible stage presence. At first I thought it was helped by his height, but once he was off the stage he did not seem as tall - still lanky, but up there he was a giant! I think it's just that when he is performing he fills the space.

(Evan Nestor was the one performer I did not have a good view of, and technically while I could see Frank I rarely saw Frank's face, because I was on the side where his hair hangs down.)

I just want to say a little about Stomachaches itself. Two tracks have already been released: "Weighted" and "Joyriding". I can't decide which I like better. I like the grooves in "Weighted", but the way "Joyriding" builds and comes together is really cool. There's great energy on "Blood Infections", and then a switch to yearning and hope on "The Prettiest Girl" which is romantic, but it is about more than that. The track that keeps catching me off guard and making me pay attention is "Tragician".

The album overall reminds me of '90s punk, when you were starting to get the grunge influence, but my head keeps going back to 1994 lately, so that could just be me. It is frustrated and heartfelt, and it pulls triumphant sounds from the angst. There are occasionally some industrial sounds - I thought I heard a jackhammer at one point - and even a little techno on the intro to "Smoke Rings".

Overall Stomachaches provides great variety, depth, and music. It is as it should be.

I am not aware of sites or accounts specifically for this band as a unit, which makes sense, so the links below are primarily for Frank Iero, and then one link each that relates to the other members, some of whom probably could have a larger web presence if they wanted to.

http://frank-iero.com/

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/stomachaches/id894067834

http://kingsroadmerch.com/frank-iero/

http://www.bcalmpress.com/

https://twitter.com/FrankIero

Matt Olsson: http://mattolsson.bandcamp.com/

Rob Hughes: http://www.leathermouth.com/

Evan Nestor: http://contactsciencenj.wix.com/sciencenj#!home/mainPage

Band Review: Matt Olsson

Let me clarify some scheduling first. Tomorrow night I am going to see three bands, one of which is incredibly important to me. To make the schedule work, the travel review that normally goes up on Saturday will be posted Friday (Dole Pineapple Plantation!), and Saturday I will post the concert review for frnkIero andthe cellabration.

That makes today the perfect time to review cellabration drummer and accomplished musician Matt Olsson. I will be focusing on his 2012 album Part One: The Sabotage, partly because it is his most recent work, but also because with my poor Bandcamp navigation I did not realize there was other music there until I had listened to The Sabotage six times, so it's just more familiar.

The album is described as "The fictional story of a young American Spy in Europe during the early years of the Cold War."

Based on the cover art, and the use of older instruments (fans of the Decemberists should enjoy Olsson's work) there was initially a feeling that it was something even older than Cold War, perhaps more like the Crimea. As the story continues, crossing Europe with intrigue and danger, there is a sense that it is emotionally correct.

The political does not overwhelm the personal. As much as the protagonist refers to work that others have died for, there is also a family legacy and a passionate, blinding love for his collaborator.

That sounds like it can't end well, and with the final track titled "To Avalon (The Gulags)" that doesn't sound encouraging. It is Part One, so anything can happen, but also there is still a note of defiance left, and resolution to do what needs to be done. Before that, with my favorite track "Snakes (Langley)" there is a note that while not exactly optimism still seems to have some peace, that there is an overall connectedness, and knowledge and purpose.

I love the string work on the album. There are moments where the vocals become less musical, and more spoken, like parts of "Some Truth (Paris pt. 2)", but I feel that works well to heighten the dramatic tension. To be fair, the music works for that too.

I think Woody Guthrie would like this album.

http://mattolsson.bandcamp.com/

https://www.facebook.com/mattolssonmusic

https://soundcloud.com/mattolsson

https://twitter.com/MattOlssonMusic