Hope as a seed

I'm not much of a gardener. I want to be, but I don't know a lot, and often I don't have the means to put forth the effort that it would really take.

This year seemed like a good opportunity. I had some funds, and if there was ever a time that it makes sense to grow your own food, we are there now. I made plans, and then nothing went right.

The virus made browsing nurseries harder, but everyone eventually got to the point where you could look, but then the things I wanted were gone. I guess I was not the only one wanting to grow more.

You can still find seeds pretty well, but seedlings for trees and bushes disappeared quickly, with two blueberry bushes selling out while I was ordering them. It was almost impossible to find seed potatoes.

Also, I did "Call before you dig" - as you should - but the results were not what I expected. Even if I could have found the trees that I wanted, I am not sure the front yard can take trees now.

Plans were readjusted - mainly scaled back - and there was just a little ground prep required. Then it rained. And poured. And rained some more.

I'm not going to list everything that went wrong, but it was a lot.

I have done some things. Some things will probably still get done. Everything is late.

Also I think my sunflowers are germinating, but not my pumpkins. Why?

It has been a lot of frustration,  which has been true about everything else this year. Mainly I wonder if I can be enough to carry this through, which has also been true of everything else this year.

At least I am consistent.

But no matter how much goes wrong in a garden, there are at usually a few starts and things to watch for. They may end up being false hopes, but it is something.

It doesn't really take that much to keep me going.

Christmas (service style) in July

It was an experience running two fundraisers at once. I think I could have done better, but I think that about everything I do.

The decision to run two simultaneously was because both causes were important and I did not want to chooser. In addition, I thought of other charities that were important to me, and also that there are things to give besides money that are sometimes much easier. That is when I had the idea for the next phase.

Since Christmas in July is a thing for television channels and ornament stores and... okay, it is usually pretty commercial. It can still be fun, and we have twenty days until July 25th. For that time period, the daily songs will be Christmas songs, and with each song I will highlight a service opportunity.

I think I am going to try and focus on songs that have been part of other fundraisers, and that have tried to inspire. Of course, that largely makes me think of "Do They Know It's Christmas?", a song I loved but that was kind of condescending and then the money didn't really benefit anyone but a ruthless warlord, partly due to infrastructure issues but not resolved largely due to Bob Geldof's arrogance.

https://www.spin.com/featured/live-aid-the-terrible-truth-ethiopia-bob-geldof-feature/

We can learn and try and be better, and it requires listening and humility.

I hope that this will do some good. I realize it may not, and that I may not know one way or another.

In the meantime, here are the songs listed out for the two completed fundraisers. I did use "Green Onions" twice. It is a blues classic, it is food-related, and it is the song I most associate with Blues Fest. "Green Onions" and seeing Terry Currier: I miss that, but at least I did get to use "Green Onions" twice, and I talked to Terry when I ordered my Ramones puzzle.

(And then Maria interrupted because she wanted the vinyl of The Psychedelic Furs, Midnight to Midnight, but she called it "Heartbreak Beat", which is the first track, so he thought she meant the 7-inch single,and we had this three-way conversation that probably made our household look incompetent, and musically ignorant. This is the second time Maria has embarrassed me at Music Millennium, but the other time it was with The Fixx.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-fixx-live-at-music-millennium.html )

Oh yeah, songs.

Oregon Food Bank Fundraiser, featuring songs about food and hunger:

6/12 “Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran

6/13 “Eat It” by “Weird Al” Yankovic

6/14 “Hungry Eyes” by Eric Carmen

6/15 “F.O.O.D. AKA Aren't You Hungary” by Reggie and the Full Effect

6/16 “Hungry Heart” by Bruce Springsteen

6/17 “Peaches” by The Presidents of the United States of America

6/18 “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog

6/19 “Friday Fish Fry” by Kelis

6/20 “Cherry Pie” by Warrant

6/21 “Hungry For Heaven” by Dio

6/22 “The Hungry Ghost” by The Cure

6/23 “Hunger” by Florence + The Machine

6/24 “Love Hungry Man” by AC/DC

6/25 “Hunger” by Ross Copperman

6/26 “Hungry, So Angry” by Medium Medium

6/27 “Hunger” by Of Monsters and Men

6/28 “Hungry Again” by Dolly Parton

6/29 “Hungry People” by The Happy Fits

6/30 “Hungry” by Winger

7/1 “Stay Hungry” by Twisted Sister

7/2 “Hungry” by White Lion

7/3 “Who Stole the Hot Sauce?” by Chubby Carrier and the Bayou Swamp Band

7/4 “Green Onions” by Booker T. & the M.G.'s

7/5 “Them Belly Full (But We Hungry) by Bob Marley & The Wailers

(I made it more blues-y on the days that should have been for the festival.)

Don't Shoot Portland fundraiser, featuring blues songs:

6/12 “Smoking Gun” by Robert Cray

6/13 “Green Onions” by Booker T. & the M.G.'s

6/14 “Wanna Be a Bull” by Terry & the Zydeco Bad Boys

6/15 “Hold Up the Light” by Terrie Odabi

6/16 “Blues For We” by Mel Brown

6/17 “Death Came A-Knockin' (Travelin' Shoes)” by Ruthie Foster

6/18 “Put A Woman In Charge” by Keb' Mo' (feat Rosanne Cash)

6/19 “Juneteenth Jamboree” by Louis Jordan

6/20 “Dirty Love” by Dirty Revival

6/21 “Never Gonna Break My Faith” by Aretha Franklin, feat. The Boys Choir of Harlem

6/22 “Truth Don Die” by Femi Kuti

6/23 “You Are Not Alone” by Mavis Staples

6/24 “My Zydeco Shoes” by Chubby Carrier

6/25 “Healing Tide” by The War and Treaty

6/26 “I'm A Blues Man” by Robert Kimbrough Sr.

6/27 “Loan Me Your Handkerchief” by Step Rideau and The Zydeco Outlaws

6/28 “How Much Longer” by Johnny Rawls

6/29 “I Want My Dog To Live Longer” by Curtis Salgado & Alan Hager

6/30 “Change the World” by Lady A

7/1 “Married To The Blues” by Shemekia Copeland

7/2 “Mannish Boy” by Muddy Waters

7/3 “Boom Boom” by John Lee Hooker

7/4 “How Blue Can You Get” by B.B. King

7/5 “Crossroad Blues” by Robert Johnson

Related links:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/06/fundraising-and-music.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/07/fund-raising.html

As the fund raisers wind down...

My last blog post was about starting the fundraisers, and now they are almost over.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/06/fundraising-and-music.html

That's about how things have been going.

There have been some cool things, and I am going to go ahead with my next idea (I will try and blog about that Monday, when it starts), so here is a catch up overview.

First of all, with one day left, neither has met goal. I am committed to making up the shortfall, but I will take any help I can get, with links at the bottom. The Oregon Food Bank fundraiser is still short $120, and Don't Shoot Portland is short $395.

I would say that more people feel good about supporting hunger than about ending police brutality, but that was largely a fluke. A person I don't know, and with whom I have no friends in common on Facebook or Twitter, donated $250. It is not a total mystery; she had liked my tweet for that fundraiser's song of the day, "Hungry For Heaven" by Ronnie James Dio. Did she like that song that much? Or was she just ready to give? I don't know, but I am grateful.

There was another interaction that meant a lot.

You may have read that when country group Lady Antebellum realized that their thoughtlessly chosen name had negative connotations, they thoughtlessly came up with an abbreviation that was already in use by a blues singer, Lady A.

https://www.rollingstone.com/pro/news/lady-antebellum-lady-a-country-blues-1013919/

Since I was already doing about three weeks of blues songs, it was an obvious choice to bring in the real Lady A. Looking over the available songs, "Change The World" was again just obviously the right pick.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDLYOSPWL1o

When possible, I try and tag the daily song artists on Twitter, because it's nice to know someone is thinking of you. They are not always on Twitter, and they may not always notice, but sometimes it works out.

This time it really did. First of all, Lady A is one of my Don't Shoot Portland donors now, but also, she replied:

God bless you and thank you so much for choosing this song Change the World. I wrote it when Trayvon Martin was killed, but couldn't release it til later because it hurt too much. Thank you fir recognizing its significance today. #TheRealLadyA

 https://twitter.com/ladiawhite/status/1278070291449540608

I knew the song was right because of the theme, but I didn't know it came from that.

I also had a burst of creative output in the aftermath of Trayvon Martin's death. I can't say I didn't publish it - it is still on the internet - but the primary emotion of the death is still helpless grief.

I put something together thinking about it now, though. I always associate Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown, despite the differences, because they were stages. It has felt like Trayvon's death was just pain but that Michael's was galvanizing. That is because of the protests in Ferguson.

That could feel helpless too; a lot hasn't changed and many of those key people have died. However, in light of the current protests, and some cities making plans to at least divert some funds from police, and people whom you could never have imagined being able to say "Black Lives Matter" saying it, I have to acknowledge that there has been growth. It is not sufficient, but it is real.

I have questioned the value of the protests, thinking that maybe they worked to express grief and anger, and that they could have significance as a declaration of values, but do they bring change?

There is some change here. There is much more to be done and the choices we make now are crucial, but I am not without hope. I have hope because of strangers who donate and creatives who turn their pain into art and because of multitudes who march in the street for something better.

It hasn't been a bad few weeks.

But please, you can still donate!

Don't Shoot Portland fundraiser:

https://www.facebook.com/donate/576666369950841/

Oregon Food Bank fundraiser:

https://www.facebook.com/donate/2712721955649402/

Fundraising and music

We all know that 2020 has been a year marked by trouble and disappointment.

Recently something reminded me of the Blues Festival. Obviously it is canceled, but it wasn't just a time to listen to good music; it was also an important fundraiser for the Oregon Food Bank. That would be bad in a normal year, but with Coronavirus job and economic disruptions that is significantly worse.

I thought about doing a fundraiser, but it almost feels wrong to raise funds for anything but protests and ending police brutality.

That reminded me of something else: a post saying not to refer to "everything going on"; either say "the protests" or "the revolution".

I get that. So many people are uncomfortable even talking about racism - a necessary conversation - that we do need to push back on the avoidance. However, when I say "everything" it's because I mean the protests and the virus. We have both, and we need to deal with both.

That's why I decided to do two fundraisers.

For Oregon Food Bank:

https://www.facebook.com/donate/2712721955649402/

For Don't Shoot Portland:

https://www.facebook.com/donate/576666369950841/

I will be posting two daily songs from now through July 5th, the date the Blues Fest should run through. Songs linking to the Don't Shoot Portland fundraiser will be blues songs. The festival web site has posted a play list and I will try to highlight some artists from there, but I started with local musician Robert Cray's "Smoking Gun". (Is that title ironic or appropriate? Not sure, but he is good at blues and that is his most recognized song.)

Songs linking to the Oregon Food Bank fundraiser will be related to hunger and food. 

Obviously "Green Onions" could go with either play list. I might use it twice. It's a good song.

This feels like a way to do some good when there is a lot of good that needs to be done. I hope to raise $500 each.

It is also a way to try and bring myself out a little more. I have to come up with two songs daily, and I should also post earlier, because lately my Twitter connection often goes down before I post the song. That could hurt donations. I don't want that.

I have written about this before, but I used to volunteer at the Blues Festival all the time. Lately, I haven't been able. I have been too tired, and I know it is from the care giving. 

I am currently looking at putting my mother into a memory care facility. For a long time it was better for her to be with me, and now that doesn't feel true. There are complicated feelings there, and lots of ways that could change my life. When I pictured some of those changes before, there wasn't a virus out there. I don't know how that will affect my job options or visiting options, but we all have lots of uncertainty on what future is possible and what possibility will be chosen. 

We can handle it, because we have to.

I will look to a future where there is racial and economic equality, where everyone can be safe and no one has to be hungry.

These two fundraisers are my small steps.

http://www.waterfrontbluesfest.com/

2019 music goals update - Phase 2 completed

Obviously I am not thrilled with my performance, but at times it is miraculous that I get anything done.

Anyway, I have finished the second round of bands from the Nothing Feels Good book.

Those were bands that I thought that I wanted to listen to more.That meant instead of just listening to top tracks or watching videos, trying to listen to the whole catalog.

I don't exactly regret that Mogwai was on the list, but that was a very discouraging start. So many albums! If I were a fan, getting each album new as it came out would be wonderful, but that was a lot of hours of similar instrumentals. I still don't dislike them, I think I want to watch the movie for which they did the soundtrack, but finishing them was a relief.

Of course, Mogwai isn't emo. The book mentioned bands that were not emo, and sometimes the ones I liked the most came from genres.

Most were emo. I listened to both Jawbreaker and Jawbox. I really like Jawbox. Jawbreaker is the band where I like the guitars but then I get irritated with the singing. I didn't really have that figured out until the third round.

You see, the first round was going through and listening to some songs from each band the book mentioned. Many daily songs came from that round. I starred bands that I liked.

The second round was listening to the full catalog of the starred bands. I should have trusted my instincts. For some reason - in retrospect I am not sure it makes sense - after listening to The Rocking Horse Winner again, I thought maybe I had been wrong not to star Joan of Arc. No. I was not.

While I was doing this listening, I would take notes, like song titles I liked, or what I liked, or if some albums were stronger than others. The third round was going back through and listening to the noted songs again. There's a reason it took so long, but that is not the only reason. There ended up being eleven bands who were not mentioned in Nothing Feels Good where I still listened to their entire catalogs.

One of the mentioned bands was The Hives. Not emo. There was a time period when band names that stuck out to me - because of their format - included The Hives, Strokes, Vines, and Shins, but I knew nothing about their music. I decided to throw them in too, plus The Struts for fun.

Another band mentioned in Nothing Feels Good was Interpol. A lot of people associate them with The Killers (whom I know well) and Franz Ferdinand, but I associate Franz Ferdinand with Modest Mouse. That is because of advertising that included snippets of "Take Me Out" with "Float On", seemingly random but there is a percussive similarity with the songs that is reflected in the videos.

I also listened to Kill Hannah's catalog, because back when I was still trying to figure out what emo meant, it seemed like they could fit. They don't, but now I know for sure.

I also listened to the full catalogs of my four favorite bands from Phase One, the bands that were not emo but seemed to hold a similar place in people's hearts.

Finally I can move on to Phase Three, updating the band review spreadsheet. Lots of fun planned with that, and many daily songs will come from there. I am not ready to start it yet, though, so I have something else planned that I will announce tomorrow.

In the meanwhile, I will do actual band reviews (listening to the catalog three times and writing it up)  (someday) for Jawbox, FenixTX, Superdrag, Social Distortion, Face to Face, Samiam, Allister, The Rocking Horse Winner, Something Corporate, Frail (but not the one I looked up, a Finnish band I stumbled across trying to find the other one), Finch, and The Struts.

Of the twenty-two original starred bands, that is twelve marked for review, and ten not. I am not sure how long the original list was anymore. I am a little surprised The Starting Line didn't end up on it, but there were so many.

For the added bands - except for The Struts, whom I loved - even the ones I like more, I think I would not do a review unless I got to see them in concert. That includes The Shins, Falling in Reverse, Avenged Sevenfold, Black Veil Brides, and A Day to Remember.

Technically, now that I think of it, I think I have seen Franz Ferdinand in concert, but it was terrible seats and acoustics. Maybe if they come they can have a do-over, whereas the more I listened to Modest Mouse, the more I hated them.

I think I want to do a playlist for The Strokes. I really like some songs, and it might be handy to revisit them without having to wade through everything else.

Sorry if I dissed any of your favorites, but I will give anyone a chance, and I think that's worth something.

Related posts:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/01/2019-my-year-for-music.html
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/02/2019-music-goals-phase-1-completed.html

Facing ideas that challenge the status quo (like police abolition!)

When we were only dealing with COVID-19, and people longed for a return to normalcy, I was thinking about how normal had not really been that great. The protests and their subjects have been a resounding affirmation.

I have been pleasantly surprised as some people have shown new understanding of structural racism and its effects. Other people have been very disappointing in how stubbornly they cling to not understanding.

I still lean toward being sympathetic when I can, so this post is about dealing with concepts that are so new and different that the only possible initial reaction seems to be "No! We can't do that!"

This is most likely when someone is suggesting a change to something entrenched in the old system, often a system that has worked well for you. That feels like chaos, exacerbating the normal intimidation of change.

The first step is going to be just like in the previous posts about being overwhelmed or being embarrassed: Stop. Breathe. Listen.

Once you do that, you will find that even if you can't picture it, there are other people who have been thinking about it, and have pictured it. Different people may imagine different results, and you may lean more toward some visions than others. That can be fine. It is listening with an open mind that allows the growth.

So let's do a walk-through on the very frightening idea of police abolition.

A good starting point may be to remember how scary having police is for some people. Yes, having them around may not have been a problem for you, but that may not be entirely a product of your crime-free lifestyle. Researching current problems with the police may be your first step, though this past week or so should have given you at least a few ideas about that.

The next stop tends to be all the Whatabouts: What about domestic violence? What about murder? What about theft? What about rape? Maybe throw in a "What about Black on Black crime?" just to be thorough.

If you go into this with an open mind, this can really be where you start seeing how abolishing the police could work. For thefts, well, sometimes if they catch the thieves and your possessions are still there, you might get them back after they are no longer needed for evidence. Burglaries aren't investigated as often as you would hope.

Some of that is that you have patrol, and you have detectives. Detectives probably have too many other things to investigate, not worrying about petty theft. (DA offices could probably employ detectives for investigating serious crimes, and that could be its own can of worms.)

Patrols can keep an eye out for identified suspects, or suspicious activity, but here is at least one thread about them not having enough to do, and therefore causing trouble instead of preventing it:

https://twitter.com/ess_trainor/status/1269748616895348738?

I think we have seen that police are not always helpful with crowd control. Their goals may be off.

For domestic violence, lots of domestic abuse happens in police families. I recently read about a friend's interaction with the police after surviving domestic abuse. It's not my story, I'm not getting into it here, but she would have been better off with a social worker or counselor or almost anyone else but those cops. (I've still got some anger about that one.)

We know that police are not great at dealing with mental health crises.

We also know that law enforcement is full of not just casual racists but deliberate avowed racists, and that should allow us to deduce that rooting out the racism would be difficult, and be resisted as hard as measures to contain police brutality:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/fbi-white-supremacists-in-law-enforcement

We know that not a single police officer in Louisville had their body cameras turned on, which indicates not only resistance to accountability, but confidence that accountability can be avoided:

https://wfpl.org/mayor-no-body-camera-footage-of-shooting-and-police-chief-fired/

After a while, you start thinking "How can we NOT abolish the police?"

Modern policing descends from Southern slave patrols. It was primarily a means of maintaining the social order and protecting the possessions of the wealthy, at a time when people could be possessions. It's not surprising that it ended up this way.

What we need now is to decide what we value, and how to serve those values.

I know that there are people who value being able to exert control of others because of race, gender, sexuality and all of the other factors. Sometimes, there is a level at which you can be invested in that because you haven't examined it.

Examine everything. You can do it, and you are not alone.

I will mention one more thing that could be discouraging, but I took it as encouragement.

I was reading A Third University is Possible by la paperson. One concept it brought up was rematriation, which was new to me, and I couldn't picture it, just to show that I have experience in finding new concepts hard too.

Anyway, there was a part that was talking about how the system that you build to correct the old system will have its own flaws. That is normally a point of despair for me; can't we be perfect? It shifted for me there. You just have to do your best, and in the process you will learn things that you don't know now. Then you try again.

Our best is going to have to include coming to grips with racism and rejecting it in how we rebuild.

For #8cantwait, I am only going to say that a lot of it is already in place and not working. I understand the appeal of reform over abolition, but I am not optimistic about it. In my mind, it looks more like our relationship with the police is the abused wife trying to leave her husband. He is more dangerous then, but that's not a reason to stay; it's a reason to be careful and to be complete in your departure.

That metaphor is not perfect, because there has to be someone else invested in the abusive relationship who keeps trying to support the husband. Maybe white supremacy is our mother-in-law; I don't know. Finding the perfect metaphor will not be nearly as useful as finding ways to abolish the police.

Here is one possible place to start reading:

https://www.themarshallproject.org/records/3382-police-abolition

Coming through the awkwardness, shame, and embarrassment

Yesterday's post included ways of dealing with feelings of being overwhelmed. As an empathetic person, a caregiver, and possibly someone with strong urges to overcompensate for my historically low self-esteem (maybe), being overwhelmed comes up a lot.

It is not the only thing that can come up where it is better to take a breath and roll with it, rather than immediately try and fight or defend or something like that. I can think of two, and today I want to tackle one.

Yesterday's blog post grew out of a post on Facebook that was inspired by how offended people get sometimes at the mention of racism or white privilege. I had some irritation, but also some sympathy. I have copied that Facebook post at the end of this blog post in case you are interested.

In that case, people were generally taking it personally when they did not need to. This is more about when it actually is personal. If you interject into a discussion about racism demanding that your acquaintance of color tell you when you were ever rude to them, well, you are missing the point, but also you are assuming an innocence that you might not actually have. If they answer your question honestly, how you handle that can be a turning point.

I started thinking about this because of Lea Michele.

You can look up the news stories, but Michele tweeted in support of Black Lives Matter, and then a former Black co-star tweeted about harassment she had received from Michele, and some other people backed it up.

Obvious reactions could be embarrassment and anger, or arguing that the criticism is a distraction from  Black Lives Matter. Another possibility would be some attempts at justification, like saying that she abuses all cast members equally.

I hear variations of that a lot: "I'm not racist; I hate everyone." "I'm not sexist; I'm condescending to everyone." By and large I think the people who say things like that believe it, and that they are wrong. So much of racism and sexism is built into the structure that people don't notice when they are implementing it. That has been shown by many studies.

It is easy to believe that you are not racist, and that you have not done racist things, and be completely wrong about that. Therefore you need to stop and listen and examine.

That feeling will suck. Most likely (if you are not a monster), you associate racism with being a bad person, and you don't think you are a bad person. You can be a good person functioning in a racist system who doesn't always realize what that entails. You may have been more of a jerk as a younger person (very common), and have picked on people who were easier targets or taken cheaper shots without processing how that fit into the larger social construct.

Personally, I do not remember ever treating anyone as less because of their color, or being rude to anyone of color. However, in college when there would be some issue of race I would go straight to my Black friend and ask him about it. He was always very gracious, but there are ways in which that othered him that I did not think about.

Much more recently (but still a few years back) I made a thoughtless joke about Erasure - the British synth pop band - when someone was tweeting about the erasure that happens to Black people. It was not funny. I didn't mean harm, but I did cause some. I had to swallow my defensiveness and accept that, and learn from it.

Word is that Lea Michele is reaching out to former cast mates. She can do that in a way that does not impose emotional labor on them, or she might not. I hope it is a good experience for all of them, but that is not really the point.

The point is what are you going to do when the one being corrected is you?

Here is the Facebook post from last week:

More history! The other thing we are seeing is people getting defensive as others express their feelings, and asking "When have I been racist to you!"

Because people who are thin-skinned on the subject of racism never would have done things without realizing it, and also have the amazing super power of solving racism by their personal virtue. All of which is snark.

More reasonably, yes, this feels personal, and like it is not fair that it is personal, because you try and be a good person. Institutionalized racism in North America goes back at least (other things contributed) to Bacon's Rebellion in Virginia, 1676 - 77. The rebellion saw servants of different ranks and races working together, so laws followed that made permanent slavery just for Black people, and it formed a very effective divide that influenced the Constitution and the evolution of modern policing.

So that wasn't you, or your parents, or even your grandparents. I have to go back to my great-great-great-great grandfather to have someone alive then, and he was 10.
And yet, when you see how entrenched and ugly it is, and that you probably benefit from it, it doesn't feel good. Some people push off the discomfort, and stay part of the problem.

Feel the discomfort. Know that you didn't build it, but you can help dismantle it. That may mean protesting or donating to bail funds or registering voters or working with school boards and sheriff departments... this has been centuries in the making and no one action will stop it, but many actions working together can.

And keep being willing to feel uncomfortable, because it will come up a lot but it is needed.

Through the overwhelm

When I was a little girl - about 5 to 7 years old - mentions of infinity and eternity would freak me out enough to make my stomach hurt. At the time, I dealt with it by running Shaun Cassidy's "Da Doo Ron Ron" through my head. I was a big Shaun Cassidy fan from The Hardy Boys and the song was happy, bouncy, and (best of all) incredibly shallow. Over time that did not seem like the best response.

I have found different ways of thinking, but mostly I think there is a limit to how much a mortal mind can grasp concepts that are so far outside of mortal experience, and there is no shame in that. Currently I have a visualization that I use when something that I can't quite manage is creeping up on me. I picture an ocean wave coming at me. It will be powerful, but it will also recede and it won't carry me away. I can let myself feel it for that moment, and then move on.

(I'm aware that waves capable of carrying a person away exist, but I don't think that invalidates the imagery.)

I mention that now because I am going to be getting into something soon that might make you hyperventilate (it makes me feel like it), and I don't want to just spring that on you without any help.

There is a lot happening that can feel overwhelming, and we need to be able to deal with it. If you have greater anxiety, and access, maybe a doctor can prescribe something or therapy can remove some of the difficulty. I hope you have options for the things you need. For me, the visualization helps.

I have already admitted that things are hard for me lately on different fronts. I want to try and describe the way it is hard for me on the Black Lives Matter front.

The current protests start with George Floyd; that is true. However, knowing that as the life was crushed out of him he said "I can't breathe" makes me remember Eric Garner.

However, coming so closely in time, it is also impossible not to think of David McAtee and Breonna Taylor, but thinking of Breonna Taylor makes me remember Aiyana Jones, and I could easily think of Botham Jean.

We're not that long after Ahmaud Arbery, either. Of course that wasn't cops, but it was white supremacy that allowed the shooting and that delayed charges. So then of course I think of Trayvon Martin and James Byrd Jr and Mulugetu Seraw.

It goes on and on. There are names and faces that come to mind right away, and others that are hanging around the edge of my mind, and they can keep coming, going forwards and backwards, remembering the deaths related by the same city, or the same method, or the same root cause.

Tamir Rice. Amadou Diallo. Latasha Harlins. Sandra Bland. John Crawford. Kathryn Johnston. Michael Brown. Walter Scott. Larry Payne. Emmett Till. That's not even getting into the leaders assassinated. It's not getting into all the Ferguson resistance who died too young, and with too many questions.

Okay, maybe I am getting to the point where I feel more overpowering sadness than panic, but the visualization can still work. I will not deny the bad, or shut it out. I can let it wash over me, and survive that.

And then I should do something. If it is donating to a bail fund, calling a senator, or checking with a local food pantry to see what they need most, that is great. It can also be okay if what I do next is make a sandwich, or pray, or take a nap. Those are all things that need to happen sometimes.

I wrote not too long ago about discovering the concept of Lamed-Vov: 36 people who must always be in the world to witness the hurt in it. Without necessarily believing that there is a specific 36, it is important that pain and wrong has witnesses.

When a specific person is telling me their pain, and they are telling me because they know I care and will listen, then at least there is that level of comfort being given. With the things you see happening in other cities, it is much more difficult to see how you can make any difference at all. For some things, you probably can't, and that doesn't negate the importance of knowing.

It doesn't seem exactly like the serenity prayer, but related. I am not sure that I should be serene about the things that I can't change, but there does need to be wisdom and courage. For the things I can't change, help me not go into denial and harden my heart against it.

For all the overwhelming badness, look at the parks and streets and bridges filled with people. Look at the people who are coming around now who have not been there before. Remember we are not alone, and then do what you can.

I believe that there will be answers after you ask.

O Gina, where art thou? And how art thou?

I have been blogging more than it looks, because I have revived the travel and preparedness blog.

It does feel good to be able to do at least a little bit of  what I used to, but it also takes a lot out of me. That is especially true with the preparedness blog, where I am writing about processing my church having $100 billion scattered across hedge funds and through shell companies. My writing isn't even that condemnatory - I don't think - but that sure does sound terrible as I write it.

Also - and this is nothing new - my mother continues to decline. It exhausts and depresses me. A new medication seemed to help some, but today it feels like it doesn't.

Then of course there was the virus issue with that added stress, and yes, I have been feeling the issues with racism. No, I realize it's not anything new. There's a cumulative effect.

Technically, today could be a pretty good turning point. Things are cautiously opening back up on the virus front, and all officers involved in George Floyd's death have been charged. I am not optimistic for three reasons.

1. Those Memorial Day Weekend pictures make me pretty certain that the Coronavirus second wave is starting next week, not in the fall. I think it will be harder to get people to comply with safety precautions, given how reluctant the compliance was before. I foresee a lot of sickness and death coming up, and there has already been too much.

2. These charges - even in the result of a conviction - will not solve systemic police violence and white supremacy. In addition, they have highlighted more and more how dangerous this president is. That's not really news either, but that doesn't make me feel better.

3. People suck. A lot.

It's the way they proudly flaunt public health protection. That indicates a belief that no lives matter, which makes it that much weirder how many people are saying "All lives matter" again. There has been a major "All lives matter" revival. I guess it's because of the reminder that "Black lives matter"; people hate that one!

I have also seen a lot of invoking of the Civil War lately, in really stupid ways, thinking it proves something. I helped someone draft a reply to one comment yesterday. I wanted it to be really complete, and I felt like it was pretty good, but then it got taken down for being inappropriate somehow. (It was on a corporate page.) I will share it here, and if you can use it, go for it: 

The Civil War freed the slaves, and then the Ku Klux Klan was founded, and Southern sheriffs started arresting newly freed Black men on trumped up charges and selling their labor. That kept happening until WWII. Reconstruction started to bring better education to former slaves and poor white people, and it was abandoned and Jim Crow laws enforced, and the Daughters of the Confederacy formed and started pushing Lost Cause mythology and putting up Confederate monuments. Brown vs the Board of Education admitted that segregated schools were unfair, and white people spit on Black students and pulled their children out of public schools. The Civil Rights movement was always there, but it really took off in the 60s, got some key legislation passed, and that led to Lee Atwater's Southern Strategy, and new code words for continuing the criminalization of Black Americans which quickly led to the War on Drugs and the militarized police forces that are currently being focused on.

If the Civil War had actually accomplished equality, it would be fine to say "All lives matter" but it wouldn't need saying. Instead, there are people who are constantly working against equality, and people who refuse to see that are choosing that side by default.

Maybe it's just too long. Or maybe it's the reference to white people doing bad things.

In the midst of all this, I feel like I really need to become an expert in self-care, that maybe I will have to care for my mother until I can learn to care for both of us. I think at the root it may require wholeness and healing from trauma, even when the trauma keeps happening.

So that's the space that I am working in. There are good moments, but today hasn't been great.

I am still here.

Sometimes they are just evil

I had initially thought there would be a third post this week about how primaries need to be changed and how we need to banish our inner racism and misogyny to get to a better place. Then I thought it would be repetitive to other posts I have written, so maybe one post on why you could vote for Biden if he is a rapist, and one on why he might not be a rapist, that those two together could be enough.

Two other things have presented themselves.

First, it appears that Reade had some check fraud issues, and she was allowed to resign instead of being terminated. She may have told her family and friends it was harassment then to save face, and Biden might really have touched her shoulders in an uncomfortable way.

https://twitter.com/ZacAKAMadu/status/1258781555981537281

The initial thread is interesting as well as some of the comments. One person asked why Biden wouldn't have mentioned it in his interview. Someone else suggested confidentiality rules, but I am not even sure he would know that she was let go for that, assuming it happened at least one level below him.  Also there was some input on how finance was being scrutinized then, even if some bounced checks don't seem like a big deal. It's interesting.

Again, you look for corroboration and don't leave it at that, but it is worth looking, and ultimately more respectful to everyone involved.

Then this happened:


https://www.rawstory.com/2020/05/woman-who-accused-fauci-of-sex-assault-now-says-trump-supporters-paid-her-to-lie/

I had not heard these allegations at all - which seems fair given that they are false - but I wonder if they are being touted on Fox News or talk radio or something.

It would be easy to ignore, but there are several points that can be illustrative.

First of all, if you don't know who Jacob Wohl is, I first came to know of him as someone who frequently tweeted about things he heard in coffee shops frequented by hipsters. They rarely seemed true, but if that was all he did, it would not matter much.

Here is a little bit more about whom he tries to be:

https://www.thecut.com/2020/05/who-is-jacob-wohl-failed-smears.html


The weird thing is that he is so bad at it, and doesn't get any better. Except, maybe he is competent enough for the intended audience. If people are eager to believe something, maybe you don't have to work very hard on the lie. Just remember, some of those lies get people killed.

Dr. Fauci was targeted because of the Coronavirus, and his recommendations based on it.

From Wohl collaborator Jack Burkman: "“This guy shut the country down. He put 40 million people out of work. In a situation like that, you have to make up whatever you have to make up to stop that train and that’s the way life works, okay? That’s the way it goes.”

I recently read Crash Override by Zoë Quinn about their experiences with an internet hate mob's attempts to destroy them. It was very interesting and well-written and I recommend it. One of the things that has stayed with me is that they pointed out that the mobs feel like they are the good guys. They can only do it by dehumanizing the target, but it works for them.

So speaking of de-humanization, let's look at the continuation of the conversation quoted, when Andrade was not sure about Fauci being wrong, because the virus was really dangerous:

“Mother Nature has to clean the barn every so often. How real is it? Who knows? So what if 1 percent of the population goes? So what if you lose 400,000 people? 200,000 were elderly, the other 200,000 are the bottom of society. You got to clean out the barn. If it’s real, it’s a positive thing, for God’s sake.”

Of course the death rate is still climbing, but as long as it's just old people and the bottom of society, you know, like first responders (and their children) and restaurant workers and meat packing plant workers and grocery store employees. We know we don't need them because we don't make them keep working. Wait.

When I posted the article on my Facebook I referred to Wohl as a cartoon supervillain made real, because it sounds so over the top evil. It wouldn't matter if there weren't so many others who ate it up.

You know one of the details that really bugged me? They used Andrade because she had been assaulted once, and so she had details. She just needed to change the attacker. I mean, paying people to lie and trying to sabotage someone so there are fewer people arguing for preventing deaths is a lot; maybe at that point exploiting an old wound doesn't even matter. I only know that it's times like these when I feel like I really I hate people.

And then I know I don't actually hate people, and so I write or talk or post an article.

Anything to try and stop the banal, stupid, hateful little evils, that still seem to be far more effective than anything I do.

Assessing allegations

I wanted to spend some time going over the weight that I give the Biden allegations and why. I'll start right out by telling you that there are going to be so many buts and qualifications that it will seem almost useless. There may still be some value.

For the record, I started out thinking they were probably true, and now I am leaning more toward them not being true.

The first thing in favor of them being true is that 92 to 98 percent of accusations are true. That is a reason to at least take any accusation seriously. Also, remember this from yesterday: THE REMEDY FOR FALSE ALLEGATIONS IS INVESTIGATION!


A vote against believing was the timing and source of the reports. Katie Halper is not the best source, and it does feel like the allegations are being promoted mostly by Sanders supporters. One could expect the GOP to look for something else on Joe Biden, given that the Hunter Biden/Ukraine stuff didn't work out, but calling attention to rape allegations is not their best bet.

Also, now? Thirty years later and toward the end of the primaries but after the other good ones have dropped out?

However, sometimes you take the source that will listen, and many women are finding it harder to stay silent now. Blasey-Ford had started thinking about saying something about Kavanaugh in 2012, but it felt more and more urgent as he got closer to confirmation to the Supreme Court.

For another word on sources, let's remember that The National Enquirer broke the John Edwards story, but they held information back on Weinstein and Trump. There is a lot more that goes into what gets reported than whether it matters or whether it's true.

Another vote for believing is Joe Biden's overall track record of not respecting women's personal space, and the persistence of rape culture over time. It is completely possible to believe that in the 90s a man known for being hand-sy might make a pass at a women that would count as digital rape (meaning fingers, not computerized) and that he would not even think of it as rape. In some jurisdictions it probably would not have counted as rape. That is not a justification for him; that is a condemnation of rape laws and the lack of respect historically for women's bodily autonomy. It doesn't mean all men rape, so it does not determine any claim, but it's important to understand that context.

The most important vote for believing was the corroboration. It sounded like she told people at the time, with a positive ID, and they remembered and were willing to go on record as remembering.

That has some real weight to it. Other people can lie too, of course, and that is why you look for a paper trail and other confirmations.

For example, there was an accusation of harassment by Biden at a 2008 event, but investigation revealed that he was not there. Could they have gotten the event wrong, but the story right? That's why you dig deeper.

https://www.foxnews.com/politics/dinner-organizer-says-biden-was-not-at-event-where-alleged-sexual-harassment

Ironically - and as another testimonial to the importance of investigation - this is where I have started to question Reade's claims, as the story is starting to change more, and becoming harder to verify.

Some details can be hard to remember, especially after this amount of time. Also, I had initially thought all of the corroborating people were on the record, and at least one is anonymous. That is not a definite dis-qualifier, but it is weaker.

At this point, Reade herself said that her filed complaint does not mention the rape, only objectification. However, being able to locate the complaint would at least demonstrate a part of the story that is verifiable, and that is sounding less and less likely. It appears that Senate record handling processes leave something to be desired, but since the complaint did not contain anything criminal, then it seems believable when staff members do not remember fielding complaints. We can at least give their memories as much weight as Reade's,

At this point, I think her claims could be true but are more likely not true. Maybe.

Is this less satisfying than being able to either declare Reade a liar or Biden a rapist? Obviously.

Will I still vote for Biden? In the general, definitely. Warren is on the Oregon ballot for the primary and I will vote for her, clearly the superior candidate among Biden, Sanders, and Gabbard. That won't change anything, but I'm still doing it.

I will acknowledge that I think Biden is handling this well; clearly denying while still acknowledging that women deserve to be heard, and requesting documents.

On the point of opening up the university archive, it shouldn't have the complaint, and I think at one point you have to draw a line. The birthers saw the regular birth certificate and the announcement and the long form, and they still didn't believe it. I don't know that we are there yet in this case, but I am not criticizing his actions related to this so far.

This is amazing, because in Biden's responses to other complaints on the personal space issue, or even questions about how he mishandled the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings (letting the other women speak would have been good), he has really shown that he hasn't learned anything. Clearly someone coached him. However, a potential president listening to someone smarter than him and acting on it is a good thing, and was not previously viewed as a luxury.

"Probably not a rapist" is not the strongest election slogan, but if there are issues there, and how we got here, and with my primary vote not really mattering, well, that might be a topic for another day.

For more on the topic:
https://www.thecut.com/2020/04/joe-biden-accuser-accusations-allegations.html

NEW: Obviously it still needs further digging, but this may explain the corroboration and a lot of things:

https://twitter.com/ZacAKAMadu/status/1258781555981537281

Some thoughts on Joe Biden

It is possible that Joe Biden raped Tara Reade. It is very discouraging how badly people are handling that.

Calls for firing  Chris Hayes were trending on Twitter for reporting on the allegations. I suppose that is better than the people saying that Reade is too ugly to have been a victim, or calling her crazy; have we really not gotten any better than that over the years?

There is a way in which the anger could make sense, in that people are afraid that it will lead to a Trump victory in November. That would indeed be terrible. However, that anger and unwillingness to listen and tendency toward personal insult is typical of many similar stories, and we need to grow beyond that.

So maybe the first thing to get out of the way is that we can vote for Joe Biden even if the allegations are true. It's not just that Trump is a horror of the first magnitude as president, whereas Biden would probably be no worse than underwhelming. If rape is disqualifying for the presidency (I could be okay with that), then Trump has more allegations, not just in quantity but in how appalling and how credible the accusations are.

(One of the most chilling and accurate things I read was from a friend who asked whether we thought we had never voted for a rapist before. Point taken.)

So the first thing to say to Republicans who are saying that Democrats only care about allegations that don't affect their candidates: Clean your own house first.

To Democrats who are acting like that is true, we need to be better than this.

That's not just a general saying, where you would want to hold to a higher standard than the party that has gone from a death cult feeding off racism to adding in a personality cult that has multiplied the death and the racism. That's a low bar; we should be better than that without trying.

No, I say we need to be better than that because it is the refusal to rise above the petty bigotry and structural racism and misgyny that everything is built on that keeps us from improving.

Think of the Civil Rights Movement in the 60s, and the way they inspired people and legislation. Why is there still so much unequal enforcement of law?

Think of all of the studies debunking beliefs about women and their abilities and job performance. Why are pay disparities still a problem?

Yes, there was Russian meddling in the election, but it worked by stoking racism and sexism and we should not have fallen for it. There is an extent to which anyone likely to be concerned about this issue - rape allegations against a Democrat - did not fall for the Russian propaganda, but are you still worrying too much about trying to appeal to the working class? When you picture the working class, in your mind's eye, are they still white men?

That's why we don't get anywhere. That's why we had a strong economy and a budget surplus with Clinton, then election fraud that should have been fought harder, intelligence that was ignored because it didn't fit the administration's priorities resulting in 9/11, huge tax cuts benefiting the rich and corporations and two countries invaded, which led to a huge loss in lives, money, and civil liberties with W. (Who is getting more approval than he deserves now; see that low bar thing.)

That's why we made improvement on health care accessibility,  improved relations with other countries under Obama, and had it all trashed at a breathtaking pace with Trump.

It's certainly why Democrats ended up with one of the most mediocre candidates out of a really strong field.

I can give more examples and break it down more, but if you are not getting the drift yet it is going to take too much for this post.

So I am going to add one bit of hope for those reasonable concerns about Trump.

Investigating works.

I take false allegations very seriously. Someone I care about has had to deal with some. That's not my story to tell, but I can tell you this: even though my initial reaction was that it couldn't be true, I read through everything carefully. I believe in truth and I believe in listening to women, even if that does not require automatic belief.

It felt much better having read the allegations and seeing all the ways in which they didn't hold up than it did just hoping it wasn't true.

It feels like too often when there are accusations the reaction comes down to disbelief if you like the person and belief if you don't. Likability is not the best predictor of innocence anyway, but that leaves you with injustice on multiple sides. There may also be uncomfortable fear and guilt that you can try to ignore, but succeeding makes you a worse person.

You may lose a hero; I know Cosby still hurts for a lot of people. What we gain is better.

I know there are a lot of people who don't want a truly equal society, but I am not writing for them. If you want a freer, more equal world, it takes listening to the marginalized, and taking accusations seriously, and not bending to power, and trying to help make things better.

We can do that, and it's worth it.

I will write more about this.

Ten albums that influenced me and how

I did the Facebook postings in the order in which they came into my life, at least to the extent that I remembered it correctly. That was not exactly the order of release, but pretty close.

For the summary I thought it would be fun to group them by the influences that they had. It may make some strange bedfellows, but some of them might be quite comfortable together.

Albums that taught me small but important things:
Toys in the Attic, Aerosmith, 1975
Mad Season, Matchbox 20, 2000

Toys was the first album I bought. Well, I picked it out. Mom was buying us each a record. I was five, and was advised I would not like it, but the cover had all of these toys, and was really cool.

I learned that you can't pick an album by its cover, but also, give it some time and that album is okay. You can grow into music.

With Mad Season I was much older (almost 30), but so many guys tried to tell me that I could not like it, or that it couldn't be among my favorites. I get that Matchbox 20 is not as great a band as the Ramones, but it's my choice. Taste is subjective, and you don't get a vote.

I don't get a vote on yours, either, though I will probably have some thoughts.

Albums that changed something about how I did music
"Weird Al" Yankovic in 3-D, "Weird Al" Yankovic, 1984
From Under the Cork Tree, Fall Out Boy, 2005

I love music but am not great at it. You may not know that I have written a lot of songs, and it's fine that you don't. "Weird Al" had an earlier album, but on the second album I started hearing more, and it sunk in. While in junior high and a little into high school I still wrote a lot of whole songs, but I also wrote some song parodies. That's on "Weird Al".

You are more likely to know that I love karaoke, and if you have been there you have an idea of my ability, but Fall Out Boy has big songs and they bring out the best in me. From Under the Cork Tree was the album that helped the most, and I have sung every release from that album in front of somebody.

Albums that changed my identity
Ramones-Mania, Ramones, 1988
Indestructible, Rancid, 2003

I was always okay with the Ramones, but late in life I realized that I loved them, and not long after that I realized that I loved The Clash. The worst thing about that is it happened not long before Joey Ramone's death, and then in short order we lost DeeDee, Johnny, and Joe Strummer. That was terrible, wishing I hadn't waited so long and realizing the difficulties that punk bands faced in getting airplay so that even getting exposure was an issue. However, I still did not think of myself as a real punk aficionado; it was just a coincidence that I loved two key punk bands.

It was not a coincidence; Rancid showed me that. Gina is a punk rocker, and it actually makes sense. I'm never rowdy for the sake of being rowdy, but politeness that covers up evil is evil itself, DIY is a good ethic, and if you can use humor to deal with your anger, that can help a lot.

Also, Mormon is basically straight edge, but without the tattoos.

Albums that changed my world

Hunting High and Low, A-ha, 1985

Danger Days: True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, My Chemical Romance, 2010

We got MTV shortly after it started, so I had been into music videos for at least three years before "Take On Me". I had ones I liked better than others, but A-ha was the first time when it was a band, and I thought about wanting to see them (and did), and I bought songbooks and tried playing the songs and bought teen magazines for scraps of interviews and new pictures. It is still one of my favorite albums, and certainly the first one I memorized.

I had been really into music until my mission, and then when I came back there were fewer music videos being play, and it was mainly grunge and gangster rap. It felt like I didn't really have a place there anymore. Getting into punk helped, but that was older music, and the players were dying off. Then life got really tough, and I was in a deep and joyless rut.

Danger Days brought me back to life. It wasn't just that it gave me new music and a new band, but it helped me see that there were even more bands, and I didn't need a video channel to find them. It got me writing again, a lot, and Frank Iero came to me in a dream and got me a bass guitar, so I have tried playing again. Still terrible, but there are worse things.

Albums that changed how I listen to music
Fluke, Something She Said, 1991



Last Stop Crappy Town, Reggie and the Full Effect, 2008, expanded edition in 2020

Fluke was the first independent album I bought, though I was starting to get to know a lot of people in bands. I remember specifically talking to the singer after I'd listened. I mentioned that there were some recording issues that I assumed were a budget factor. They were not. He was a little irked, and I felt bad about that. He didn't hold a grudge, but it stayed with me because I started thinking about why you might want things to sound differently. I love melody, but sometimes it doesn't fit for what you need to convey. There are reasons for fuzz and static and sludge. I am more open to understanding artistic intentions and what is done deliberately because of John.

That still does not mean I get everything right on the first try. It has taken me a long time to understand Crappy Town.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/album-review-last-stop-crappytown.html

I reviewed this less than a month ago, so I don't necessarily want to write a lot about it now, but this album is incredibly rich. If a modern dance company wanted to explore addiction, I think this would be a great soundtrack.

It's almost too new to say that it's an influence. Just today after posting about it on Facebook I realized something new about it. So I think there is a personal influence, and that will be better understood over time, but for realizing how much can go into an album, and how well it can work and unfold, this is huge.

Influential albums and social media compliance

For the last nine days I have been posting albums that influenced me on Facebook. The original assignment was for ten, so I will finish tomorrow.

Usually social media posts like that want you to tag other people so they have to do it, which makes me uncomfortable, but where I really departed from this one is that you are not supposed to put any explanations about the album, but just the album itself.

I can't do that.

I know I should be able to, but I think about things too much. I don't get to have geeky conversations enough. Why do you think I blog?

I mean, I don't like the chain letter aspect of these posts - "Don't just like!" - anyway, but what really gets me are the limitations. So many of them are "Just one word!" or "Only post this picture; no explanation!" That is not in my personality.

However, in over-analyzing that, I realized it probably makes it easier for other people to participate. Not everyone has the time or inclination for dissertations. I can conceive that for many people it would be less pressure, though I do not respond to it in that way.

For this particular one, I think it would be easy to just give your favorite albums or the ones that meant a lot to you emotionally, or that are really strongly associated with certain ages. Those are all valid topics, but for me an influential album is one that changes something. With many albums important to me, the importance is not because they changed anything but because they fit in with where I was. Of course, sometimes with the influential ones, their influence hit the way it did because of where I was. There's a lot that goes into it.

Therefore, tomorrow I intend to round up the ten, with explanations of the influence, but today's post is about defining the terms, and also why I find it so necessary to do this.

I understand if I come off as neurotic. I'd be worse without the blog.

Messier than karma

All right; now for things coming back to me.

This is a much messier story.

The short version is that a girl that I had helped several years ago saw something I tweeted and she messaged me that I had helped her and she was there for me.

It gets longer because of many different factors.

One is that the reason I was tweeting is that when I had recently posted about my sadness and frustration on Facebook, I had set off a lot of alarms and had people checking on me in various ways to make sure I wasn't suicidal. It is good to be cared for, but it felt like a lot of pressure.

Twitter would normally feel safer for things like that anyway. There are fewer people who know me personally on there, and it is easier to not be noticed. However, because of that period where I was spending a lot of time encouraging and shoring up teenage girls, it makes me reluctant to be the voice of discouragement. Maybe it's good for people to see that we all struggle, but maybe it would be taken as "If she is this down, what hope is there?"

But I need to be able to feel sad and express it. As much as people don't like seeing problems they can't solve, that happens sometimes. I am going to be sad for as long as my mother is alive, and then I am going to be a different kind of sad. It's not the only thing I feel, and none of it is forever, but it's there.

So I called out into the void, and someone answered back, and she cared about me because I had cared about her. It came back.

The other tricky thing about it is that I have recently seen some concern expressed in an adjacent Twitter group about adults encouraging teens to open up to them, when kids are so vulnerable and and it is so easy to mess them up, even without bad intentions.

I see their point. I have seen plenty of arrogance and plenty of bad intentions. I totally agree that having local, in person sources of help is better when possible.

But also, I was trying to do what's right, and responding to intuition and circumstances, and it usually wasn't in private messages. It would be easy to be insecure about it. I was then. It was hard to believe that I could ever be enough against so much pain.

Except, of course, that I was not healing their pain; I was just witnessing it and caring about it. Sometimes there was advice, or links to articles, but mainly it was just a reminder that you are not alone, and not the only person who has these feelings.

Sometimes it made a difference, and at different times people have come back and told me it mattered. It is probably good that has been spaced out, because I may have needed that more now, but I am sure there were times when I needed it before.

About a week before that, another girl did message me, asking if she could vent. Of course she could, and a lot of her issues dealt with feeling guilt about needing to put some needs of her own over those of her difficult mother (though it was not dementia).

It landed close to home, but then neither of us are alone. We related to each other.

Twitter has been out a lot lately, I am sure because of more people with less to do. I am not on top of things, and that had been pretty true before the virus, just because of Mom needing more attention.

But every now and then I still notice something and have something to contribute: validation or encouragement or a link to an article or a cat picture. I have told enough stories about homeless people now that I understand if you are wondering if I go looking for them. I don't, but they have found me enough that I probably am more alert now, and sometimes that helps.

I believe that staying open to it, we can do a lot of good.

But often that good is mainly only caring. Lamed-vov, but if there are enough of us, it will be enough.

The most pessimistic encouragement

I am changing the order in which I am writing these. So the part about something coming back to me? Not before tomorrow.

I think it was the last author event I went to when this happened. It was respite time and too soon to go home, so I decided to walk from Powell's to the Safeway on Lovejoy.

When I got there, there was a guy out front with a sign. I asked if he wanted anything, and he wanted something hot. It was late enough at night that the deli had closed, and there wasn't much of a selection in their warm case. I explained that to him, but gave him some money so he could choose what he wanted. If it had ended there, I would barely have remembered that it happened.

I went to the streetcar stop across the street and waited. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard shouting. The guy was cursing at the security guard and demanding his name and saying he was going to sue. He did not get a name, and eventually he came to the streetcar stop too.

He said that the guard had threatened him with the taser. I guess he had gone in to buy something. Technically, I gave him the money to do that, that's on me. So he was just going to go to McDonald's, because that would probably be better anyway, but he was still really upset.

He also told me that earlier that day a woman had kicked him out of McDonald's saying that they don't serve his kind there.

Now, it is possible to have some skepticism about that story, because McDonald's serves homeless people all the time. I also know that all of the restaurants downtown have locked restrooms to keep homeless people out of them, and most restaurants reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, and that people who don't have a lot of power can get pretty awful with what they have (like transit cops and store security guards).

We ended up riding the streetcar part of the way together, so we talked for a while. I will never forget the giant scabs on his hands. He had gotten an infection and they had to cut it open, but it was probably getting infected again because he had lost his antibiotics. Yes, that made me think of the story from the woman on the bus, and getting rushed off at the end of the line and not collecting all of her things in time. However, I had also recently read an article about HIV+ people in shelters, and how medication is often stolen because other residents hope it will get them high. Medical compliance is not easy on the streets.

This is the other thing that I will always remember, because I was so mad about it. I still am.

"I want to tell you something encouraging, like that everything's going to be okay..."
"But it wouldn't be true," he interrupted, accurately.
"So I'm just going to tell you that you're human, and that matters. And you have to remember it because other people won't."

It was probably the most pessimistic encouragement that I have ever offered.

I wanted to be able to tell him something better, but I couldn't. Maybe his response showed me why: he would not have been able to believe it.

It was clear that night that the world was terrible, but it has gotten a lot worse since then, and I did not see that coming.

The reasoning is still essentially the same: too many value money over people, and even those who would be better off under a more equal system take a lot of delight in the small superiority they can wring out of the current system.

When I worry about the homeless, that's why. I still think about both of them a lot, and I can't be optimistic.

Three encounters

I want to write a little about some interactions that I have had - mostly before social distancing started - and things that they have meant to me.

The first one started on the bus. I was waiting at Beaverton Transit Center and this woman got on.

She stumbled a little and she was muttering to herself. As she sat down in front of me there was a terrible smell of beer. It was easy to make certain assumptions.

I was not planning on having any interaction, but as she was talking to herself she mentioned losing five pairs of gloves. As it happens, I had an extra pair of gloves in my purse (preparedness girl, still), and I asked her if she would like them. She would, and that's how we started talking.

She had just been shopping, and had bought a five-pack of gloves. The bag with that and some food had been misplaced.

When you keep all of your possessions with you because you don't have anywhere else to put them, it would be hard to keep track of things; that's logical. I expressed sympathy, but then she explained that she sleeps on buses, and when they get to the last stop and hustle everyone off, that's when she loses things.

That made a lot of sense. $5.00 lets you on the transit system all day, and it is relatively warm. In some ways you might do better on the trains, but on the bus everyone has to get by the driver, and it is a smaller space. If people are looking for someone to harass, you are safer on a bus.

That is assuming that the harassment does not come from the transit staff. I have been noticing them getting a lot more authoritarian lately, and this was still before they changed the layout at Beaverton. You can no longer wait on the bus. Instead, everyone has to wait at the same spot until the bus is leaving. It is less convenient for people with homes, but I suspect it was aimed at the homeless.

I gave her a few dollars too, and she thanked me. She had given the last of her money and the rest of her breakfast to another person that day, but she was telling me that she believes that it comes back to you.

Right about then, someone got on with a pizza box. He sat near us and offered her some. As she was about to take it, the driver barked "NO EATING ON THE BUS!"

It is true that this is a rule, but it was like they had both been slapped. He pulled the box back and closed the lid, and her hand went back. Then he recovered and offered the box again, saying "You can take some but don't eat it on here."

She did, and thanked him, and then she looked back at me and said very pointedly, "It comes back to you!"

She then asked me if I knew where there was a laundromat, because she couldn't stand the smell of that blanket anymore. Maybe now that she had a few dollars and some food, then laundry was a possibility. I directed her to one that wasn't too far.

That was pretty much the end of it, except that I also suddenly realized how easy it would be in that situation to have someone else spill on your blanket, or throw up on it, or something where it isn't even your fault that it smells. You still can't just throw out the blanket, because it is still winter and who knows what you will lose next, or when you will be able to replace it.

It struck me hard then, but I have felt it more as I see that most places have shut down bottle returns, which is an important source of cash for many people. Also, a lot of places aren't taking cash anymore, or ordering food has to happen online and with the assumption of a car picking it up. Going through trash sounds terrible, but if you rely on it, it will have been a lot less productive for the past month.

Sure, there are shelters, but those have their own problems, in addition to being a great place to share diseases. Vancouver opened up a mall parking lot for people living in their cars, but if you don't have a car, that doesn't help. (Honestly, a lot of the people living in their cars still have jobs, a pretty big indictment of capitalism in itself, if you think about it.)

So I worry about people on the streets, along with a host of other worries, and primarily in the camp of worries that I can't really do anything about. It's just there.

But on another level, that story affects me because that woman was a kindred spirit, still believing in giving no matter how low her means were, and I love her for that.

When she told me "It comes back to you!", I felt that in my soul. It felt like a promise that things will work out, and an affirmation that what you do matters.

Next time I will write about one way in which that has been fulfilled.

Anodyne

One way my brain works is that a word or phrase will come to me repeatedly, trying to tell me something. Someday I will write about "garbage barge", but let's focus on "anodyne" for now.

As a noun it is a painkiller, but as an adjective it is more about being designed to not provoke or offend. I think of it when I play Spider Solitaire and Minesweeper, and I have been playing them a lot lately.

When I think about addictions, mine tend to be too stupid to count; I don't even play interesting video games. It can nonetheless be compulsive, and it has been very clear to me that this is an attempt to numb.

Things are hard. It is still true that it is more about the dementia situation than the virus situation, but the chronic stress is ongoing.

I have hives again. I get weird muscle tightness in my back and shoulders. There is a lot of anger and frustration, and I cannot turn it on my mother, so I hold it in and then get physical reminders that I did that.

I have plenty of things to do when I am not actively caring for my mother. I have things I need to do for personal goals and housework and organization, but I keep finding myself playing these stupid games, feeling the urge to, resolving not to and then giving in after another thing has gone wrong.

My brain is telling me that I am doing it to try not to feel. It's not working out that great.

For one thing, the more I get pulled into it, the less I sleep. While there is a limit to how much the tiredness can be remedied, the tiredness is vast enough that it should take anything it can get. It also takes away from reading time, which is like the one thing I still get to do.

Probably more to the point is that it's not working out that great. I mean, I am still feeling stuff, and any feelings I hold off are probably just holding off progress in working through it. In the past, letting myself feel anger has allowed me to like myself. I am sure there is a lot I still need to work on.

I also know that I am not just rejecting the potential pain, but also the current situation. This has been very ineffective in making the situation go away. It's all still there. Maybe I could hold onto denial long enough for something to change, but I would lose something by doing that.

The other thing I strongly believe, though, is that my not wanting this does matter. Not in a way to change it, but that it hurts and that my body physically hurts with somatic symptoms of emotional pain... I matter and that matters.

I still need to work on getting better.

If I find something helpful I will let you know.

You matter too.

Where credit is due

Still keeping things short and light this week.

Easter was not typical. There was no church - and while it is not the best Sunday activity - what I desperately wanted and needed was all of the regular cleaning done. We divvied up the tasks and they were completed. It won't last, but at least things were caught up for once.

We did still have a mostly normal ham dinner, but oddly, the conversation ended up focusing largely on my time in high school. Specifically, wonderment at my being friends with two hot guys.

Personally, I had to ask who the second guy was. (I knew whom else she meant.) Suddenly, I realized at least one sister was impressed with my past social life. It was surprising and kind of gratifying.

Actually, I got on well with many good-looking guys, though hanging out was more limited. I do know the secret of my success, which was two-fold.

One, having come to believe at an early age that I was completely ineligible for love, I compartmentalized all romantic feelings and hints of interest in boys, understanding that such hints acted as a very strong boy repellent.

Frankly, I don't recommend that one.

But the other - and maybe the compartmentalization helped with this - is that I always remember that everyone is a person.

I think this is helpful when I meet musicians now. I may have a moment of being star-struck, but then I remember this is a person and relate in that way.

I can give you an example from high school. There was one guy on the football team, and another, less athletic guy I knew did not like him. I found myself teasing the jock subtly, because of that, and then I saw that he took it as flattery and was ingratiated. Suddenly, I was like, why am I teasing this nice guy whom I personally have nothing against? (And also who won't get it, yes, but there's no point in being mean about that.)

After that, we always got along. People who have known each other for years may have old grudges and things that have just become habits. It's real to them, but it may not be relevant to anyone else.

Anyway, that is my personal guarantee. I may be a fan of your work, or think you are irritating, or be wildly attracted to you, or desperately wish I could shake some sense into you (even though shaking isn't how that works), but I will also remember that you are human and have feelings, and I will try and honor that to the extent that you are not causing harm.

Even if you are causing harm, I will try to acknowledge harm that you have received and your potential for improvement, but the harm needs to be stopped first.  Just so we understand each other.

Also, yes, in some ways I was very popular in high school. They weren't any of the normal ways, but still, I am owning that.

Web of kindness

There are many ways in which people are horrible, and I am sure I will get to those. Today I wanted to focus on some helpful acts that have been going on around us.


An older couple was not supposed to be going to stores, but they needed some things, including toilet paper. My sisters went for them. When there was no toilet paper available they came back here and pulled some from our supply.

That's okay, we have a line on a new toilet paper shipment - because of someone else's help - and it looks like we're going to be able to get two multi-packs. We're not going over any limits, but at least finding something somewhere is great. (We aren't out yet, but if this goes on long enough...)

One friend has been busily making masks, starting with a batch of 200. She gave us some for our household. We were actually able to help her get some wipes, but most of this is not reciprocal. We have helped people who have done nothing for us, and the people helping us don't owe us anything. It is strictly based on who needs what and who can help. That's why I used "web" instead of circle.

Those are things that have actually been carried out, but there have also been a lot of offers. Many people have checked to see if we need anything. Apartment residents are leaving contact information for other residents. People are holding fundraisers.

I had posted on Facebook Saturday about not being reckless, because some news items and items through friends seemed like there was a wave of recklessness going around, leading to some poor decisions.

I get that. There are plenty of reasons to feel worried, isolated, and powerless right now. It can bring out some darker impulses.

If we can reach out to help each other, that can help us feel more connected, and remember that we still have some power. Not everything is out of control. Maybe knowing that can relieve some of the worry.

Don't give up, and stay as safe as you can. <3 br="">