Falling apart - personal

I hate my job.

I know that's not exactly the right way to say it. For the most part I like the type of work I do, which is helping people. 

I would not automatically hate that I am helping people over the phone, either, except that it is just too much. We are too busy.

That means that before I can finish logging one call, or any time I want to take a moment to check something, my line jangles again. That happening multiple times a day takes a toll on my nerves.

Sometimes at the end of a day, my ears are ringing. I can try and adjust volume to match what is needed for each caller, but it doesn't always work out.

Generally, my body -- even though I did purchase a better chair -- tenses up so much over the course of a day that I end up stiff and sore.

Consistently I grow hoarse from all the talking. I try and mitigate this with cough drops and water, but the cumulative effect means that when I am off work and wanting to talk socially, I get hoarse too easily. Also, I have never been a great singer, but I enjoy singing and this doesn't help.

Even worse is the mental tiredness, which seeps into my off hours when I should have time to do what I want for me and my life. I can't pull myself together right away. Writing may have taken the biggest hit, but I notice more when I can't focus on reading. That's a bad state for me.

I am not sure that five days of work to two days off is the best proportion, but if a large part of the two days off is required for recovering from the five days, then I want at least one more day. Flipping the ratio entirely would be even better.

As it is, too much of my waking life is now frustration, exhaustion, and despair.

Plus, because it is a public-facing job, every now and then someone will just go off on me because they can, or try and guilt me into things that I really have no power to do. Mostly, though, the interactions are fine; there are just too many, coming too close together.

I recently had a review where I expressed these concerns. They said they wanted to keep me, and that they were looking to hire more people soon, but last year that was me. It took a solid two months of training, we lost one person in the middle, another right as we were getting on the phones, and one just dropped out last week. Many other people have been leaving, and I don't know if it's because they feel the same way, or if I am the only one struggling this much. 

For health and time reasons I am glad to work from home, but you don't get to know your coworkers in the same way, or get the same sense of how they are doing.

As it is, when they send around trivia games and getting to know you things, I have tried to participate, but lately I am usually too stressed to even consider it. In fact, I get angry. It's not reasonable, but I created a file for it and had a hard time coming up with a name for the folder other than "Nonsense". (I ended up using "Social".)

Yes, I am looking; no, I have not had any luck.

I could be looking harder; the time and energy crunch is not helpful, but that's to be expected.

Another concern is that I want to continue telecommuting. For a while it looked like the plague was going to let up, but that's not happening. So a job with commuting, travel, or lots of time physically present with others, I could not consider safe.

I am concerned about money. Right now, my house payment is 60% of my take-home pay. Yes, that is also considered the wrong ratio. Regardless, it means I can't afford a pay cut.

My biggest concern, though, is that it won't help; that I will end up in another understaffed/overworked place after I have started over with training.

If it were super-busy, but the kind of busy you could concentrate on -- like answering e-mail in high volumes, or proof-reading, or checking files for accuracy and then publishing -- that would be okay. I might still have to take a pause at the end of the day to recover my concentration, but taking the pressure off my nerves and my voice would be huge.

I just don't know that I have any good options. 

I am trying to find something out there before the phone call that makes me burst into tears, or swear at someone, or just hang up and walk away.

If that got you down, please enjoy this interesting thread on the long history of people not wanting to work!

https://twitter.com/paulisci/status/1549527748950892544

Reading banned books

It's really more "challenged" books, but then we lose the alliteration.

There was a time when I read things based on whether I was interested in them, or if a teacher assigned them, not really thinking about who had a problem with it.

This means that while I haven't really read any Henry Miller or Lady Chatterley's Lover, I have read most Judy Blume books.

I have not read Forever, but that wasn't deliberate. I just never came across it and didn't care enough to seek it out. I know Blume has meant a great deal to many young people, and I appreciate that, but I am fairly neutral.

I did read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in school, and agreed with other friends that the challenges that claimed to be about the use of the N-word were really more about Jim's humanity, but there could be other books that would do that. 

Lately, with so many ridiculous book challenges, I find myself irresistibly drawn to them. Every time I see an article about terrible corrupting influences, I have to read them.

They are often quite good. They do not fill with respect for those challenging them. And yes, libraries are the ones coming through for me, so I know that makes libraries a target. I will defend libraries to the death.

Adding these books may sidetrack my already ambitious reading goals, but it has been a good thing.

Anyway, here are some relatively recent reads:

Big Wig by Jonathan Hillman

https://www.seattlemet.com/arts-and-culture/2022/06/pizza-hut-big-wig-drag-queen-childrens-book-levi-hastings 

A picture book about shyness, and how costumes can help you have confidence, but they are not the only things that help you have confidence. Yes, there is drag, though the wig does other things. Honestly, watching someone else exploring drag recently and finding it really affirming make this book seem more accurate. 

GenderQueer: A Story From A Different Closet by Allan D. Hunter*

This one was actually the worst, but it was also the wrong one. I mean, yes, the memoir's author is not completely gender-conforming, and sexual acts are described, additional reading indicates the actual book was Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer: A Memoir. Obviously I need to read that soon.

https://www.oif.ala.org/oif/gender-queer-most-challenged-of-2021/

Hunter's book is not terrible, but he thinks he is more interesting than he is. The best illustration is that once he started figuring out his issue -- white guy who does not always fit masculine norms, but likes his body and attracted to women, and yes, he did face abuse for that -- he started pressing his manifestos on everyone, including somewhat prominent strangers. That was aggressive enough to get him institutionalize, but even then he could have avoided it by reading the papers he was signing or asking key questions. There are more insightful people out there, but he feels his book is needed, and maybe he's right. There should be lots of books. 

It's Perfectly Normal: Growing Bodies, Changing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris

https://www.npr.org/2014/09/21/350366435/it-may-be-perfectly-normal-but-its-also-frequently-banned

Your local school district protesters HATE this one, but it's really good. 

If any of you have read Peter Mayle's Where Did I Come From?, this is like that, but for adolescents so with information on puberty. As a more modern book, it also does better at incorporating different body types, skin tones, and sexual orientations, though the edition I read could use some updating for transgender inclusion.

The reassuring (and true) title is pretty well honored by the book. If you believe that more information and affirmation is a good thing, this is a good book. If you hate that stuff...

Front Desk by Kelly Yang

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/why-parents-tried-ban-childrens-book-143223253.html

I loved this one! There are now four books in the series, so more reading to look forward to, and I think it would make a great television series.

Complaints about the book that I saw focused on the portrayal of police being racist to a Black character at a hotel. That happened here not too long ago; it seems like fair game for a book.

Beyond that, the book is incredibly empowering as Mia finds solutions to help those around her, many of which come from author Kelly Yang's life. You can make a difference, even if you are young, or an immigrant, or poor, or scared. That's a great message.

Drama by Raina Telgemeier

https://smashpages.net/2022/01/31/florida-school-district-removes-telgemeiers-drama-15-other-books-from-shelves/ 

(Maus was included in this "quarantine", but I read that back in 2012,)

The worst thing about this book is that the play the characters are working on is set during the Civil War, a time that needs no romanticizing. 

Beyond that, the title is a clever wordplay for the characters actually acting, directing, and working on stage effects, but also having misunderstandings, crushes and emotions... drama!

The book also treats at least two homosexual characters (one definitely out, one questioning) as human, valid people, and Florida doesn't want that to happen.

Bone: Vol. 1 (Out of Boneville) by Jeff Smith

http://cbldf.org/banned-challenged-comics/case-study-bone/

I believe the issue here is that the most capitalist character is a jerk. Apparently there is some smoking and drinking in the 4th volume, and violence and horror in the whole series but especially in the 2nd volume.

Okay, there are rat creatures, and they are implied to be dangerous, but I haven't seen them get a single win, at least in the first volume. In the complaints of racism, the Bone cousins are super white, but there don't seem to be any negative depictions based on that. No, I think the issue is that greedy, wealth-obsessed Phoney Bone is a jerk, and it gets him ostracized from their society, dragging his cousins Fone and Smiley along with him. And even though the people who know Phoney do kick him out of town, his cousins still care about him.

How much deference do the capitalists need? Don't answer; that was rhetorical. 

I'm not saying that banned books are automatically the best books, but there have been some good ones. If that makes sense because the people most likely to uphold racism, homophobia, and misogyny are pro-ignorance, well, the logic is easy to understand.

And if you like seeing what I think about books, let's connect on Goodreads:

https://www.goodreads.com/gmharris

Black Music Month + Pride Month

I am reporting back on how the daily songs for June -- during which time I was celebrating Black queer musicians -- went.

I was worried about having enough artists to choose from. My initial brainstorm came up with fourteen, though it turns out that while Lil' Kim is an ally she is not herself queer. There is a reason I looked up every single person, just to make sure, even though I would normally find doing internet searches to find out whether people are gay pretty suspect.

I wanted to be able to feature Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender artists. I am not aware of any Black Intersex or Asexual artists, but at least one was non-binary, and I feel good about the overall representation.

With the help of a few articles, I ended up with 43 to choose from; I have not used every option (songs used appear at the end of the post), though I have listened to them all.

It is shallower than I would have liked, because -- like with the various Asian artists for May -- I only listened to their top ten songs, and only once. As frustrating as it is that I don't have more time for my pursuits, that I am still able to find and learn and manage something is affirming.

The other thing I did was link an article with each song. Some of the artists have historical significance, and I started with that, but then thought that if we are spotlighting and supporting, then I can probably find a link for everyone, and should. There were some really good articles.

My favorites at this point, at least for those who were new to me, are probably Lex Allen, Cakes da Killa, Victoria Monét, Todrick Hall, Joy Oladokun, and VINCINT.

The biggest concern (other than checking everyone's queerness) was that some of the songs used the N-word. Yes, that can be their choice, it can still feel weird for me, but this was so much a case where some people might be offended by the highlighting and support that I just went with it. There was no censorship. Some of those songs are about sex! 

But I am probably not going to use the song "Gay Sex" from Be Steadwell, because I like "Greens" better for her musically, though "Gay Sex" is more politically savvy.

On that note, I feel a little bad in that Lil Nas X has videos that are more overtly gay than the one I used, "Dead Right Now"; I really liked the song, though, and it also kind of fit my mood for the day. Realistically, once they are in my head, they can come back in at any time. 

(I will probably never use "Old Town Road" though, based on my general aversion to country. It's not personal.)

Other people that I could have used but did not came down to confusing information where I could not find a good article, only articles that were about a recent suicidal spell, and one person crossing a picket line. Those were things I worried about, but I had so many choices that it's okay. I can always use them at another time.

Something else I found interesting was that when you look at Queen Latifah's top ten songs, they are half numbers from musicals she has appeared in. That included "You Can't Stop the Beat" from Hairspray. I am fond of that song, but it is an ensemble peace, and its promise of forward progress rings a little hollow now. I used "Dance For Me" for June, but then "You Can't Stop the Beat" on July 1st, followed by Hozier's "Take Me to Church" on the 2nd. Hozier is not a queer Black artist, but his song is nevertheless accompanied by a powerful video and has become something of an anthem, apparently.

Through July 11th, I am using some Asian artists that I did not get to in May, plus some queer Black artists that I did not get to in June, and maybe some things related to reading and viewing. I have some Black music (though not specifically queer) reading and viewing slated for June also, but that will be happening mostly in July and August. Regardless, I would like to get in songs for Charlie Parker and Paris Is Burning.

Starting July 12th I am going back to picking ten songs from different years of the '80s, starting at 1985. That will be a bit of a break, because I am quite familiar with that content.

I like stretching and exploring, but the familiar has its charms.

Black Music Month and Pride Month

6/1 “Rock Me” by Sister Rosetta Tharpe
6/2 “Dead Right Now” by Lil Nas X
6/3 “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)” by Sylvester
6/4 “Dance For Me” by Queen Latifah
6/5 “Baby Can I Hold You” by Tracy Chapman
6/6 “Thinkin Bout You” by Frank Ocean
6/7 “When I Get It Right” by Joan Armatrading
6/8 “Children” by Billy Porter
6/9 “Work It” by Missy Elliott
6/10 “Luvaroq” by serpentwithfeet
6/11 “Don Dada” by Cakes Da Killa x Proper Villains
6/12 “Sunday” by Joy Oladokun
6/13 “American Pie” by Shea Diamond
6/14 “Bye-Bye Blues” by Blackberri
6/15 “Great Gosh A'Mighty” by Little Richard
6/16 “Coastin'” by Victoria Monét
6/17 “Breath” by Todrick Hall
6/18 “spaces - Remix” by Dawn featuring Maliibu Mitch and Quay Dash
6/19 “Faithful” by Meshell Ndeogeocello
6/20 “Someday” by VINCINT
6/21 “You Go To My Head” by Billie Holiday
6/22 “Where You Are” by Rahsaan Patterson
6/23 “Where My Girls” by Dai Burger
6/24 “Stay High” by Brittany Howard
6/25 “American Dream Plan B” by Shirlette Ammons
6/26 “Key Changer” by Doug Pinnick
6/27 “Your Love” by Frankie Knuckles
6/28 “Black Queer Anthem” by Lazarus Lynch
6/29 “Explode” by Big Freedia
6/30 “Hope” by Arlo Parks

The Slap: Overreactions

I admitted last week that I don't know the best way to respond to someone consistently and publicly disrespecting your wife. I suppose the preferred way is to simply be so powerful that no one dares to, but that isn't always practical. Without knowing a perfect response, I agree that there are problems with even a mild physical assault.

Obviously the Academy had to respond in some way; it was their event. A ten year ban from attending any Academy events seems severe, but that was their decision. 

Other people wanted something much more severe, calling for Smith's complete expulsion or to have his Oscar taken away.

An Oscar won being revoked would be very unlikely. That has only happened once, because it turned out that the movie was from the wrong year. Even with the revoked nominations they were generally for very technical reasons: something believed to be original having been based on an existing work or coming from the wrong country.

https://www.oversixty.co.nz/entertainment/movies/oscar-nominations-that-were-revoked

For getting expelled from the Academy, there are currently only five: four sex offenders and one person who bootlegged Oscar screeners.

https://wegotthiscovered.com/movies/every-celebrity-who-has-been-expelled-from-the-academy/ 

Interestingly, Roman Polanski has been known as a sex offender for a long time, and still got a nomination and a win and Harrison Ford delivering his Oscar because Polanski is still hiding out overseas to avoid jail. He was only expelled when the new Code of Conduct came out. It took a long time (and two really high profile cases) for the Academy to decide that being a sex offender was a problem. Normally we expect that a woman shocked to be kissed without consent will play it off as a joke (and will be asked if it was "good"), or that there might be a whole musical number about having seen the breasts of various actresses, including one where it happened in a rape scene and that has all been fine.

That's not really what this post is about though. I am more interested in how comfortable people were with quickly condemning, inflating, and calling for vengeance, and some of the ways in which they did that. It is not a coincidence that the examples I am going to use are all white.

This is not about you: Amy Schumer "traumatized" and complained about not being able to make an Alec Baldwin joke.

https://www.nme.com/news/film/amy-schumer-alec-baldwin-joke-wasnt-allowed-to-say-oscars-3198409

It would be a really weird juxtaposition, except then I remember her "parody" (is that the right word?) of Lemonade and "Formation", and I guess that's kind of just her. Regardless, they did not just "let" Smith slap Rock. If Smith had asked permission, they would have said "no" and in the absence of that he was expelled.

That doesn't even make sense: A doctor (so obviously an authority) pointed out that such a slap could have killed Betty White.

https://news.knowyourmeme.com/news/doctor-mocked-for-attempting-to-emphasize-the-seriousness-of-the-slap-by-inviting-readers-to-imagine-it-happened-to-betty-white

If you want to condemn the slap, that is fine and you have lots of company. You don't need to add a ridiculous hypothetical. I neither believe that Betty White would make a joke that would upset Smith that much, or that he would respond that way if she did. A reminder that it is easy to cause serious injury in that circumstance could be fine, and not unreasonable. All you did was inspire a bunch of parodies of your own tweet. Could it be that you were afraid people were not getting how dangerous this Black man was? That would remind me of this next one...

Your house is glass: Judd Apatow tweeted out about how Smith could have killed Rock and his out of control rage. 

https://www.newsweek.com/judd-apatow-blasted-after-saying-will-smith-lost-his-mind-oscars-1692408

Those tweets were quickly deleted after backlash. Apatow himself says that he wasn't watching, and he heard "punch", not "slap" -- which, hey, I noticed that miswording myself, but I suspect the thing that really got him to delete the tweets were questions about him not stepping in when James Franco assaulted Busy Philipps on the set of Freaks and Geeks.

https://variety.com/2018/tv/news/busy-philipps-james-franco-assault-freaks-and-geeks-1202973054/ 

Hypocrisy can be embarrassing, true, but it could have been avoided if he hadn't been so quick to condemn something that he hadn't even seen with his own eyes. Why would you feel compelled to vividly describe and analyze something you had not even seen? To hear about it and think, "That's not right," is one thing, but there is no need to interject, except maybe there is a sense that it is allowed, and that sense relates to institutional racism.

Speaking of hypocrisy: Jim Carrey also felt free to criticize Smith, though he also got called out on some of his own inappropriate behavior, forcing a kiss on a young Alicia Silverstone when she presented an award to him. (But that wasn't the earlier reference; that was Adrien Brody and Halle Berry.)

https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/jim-carrey-alicia-silverstone-will-smith-chris-rock-b2048927.html

Skills that were needed and not present here include de-centering, grounding, and self-reflection.

I do believe there is an eagerness to be able to cast judgment and sound wise. It is really easy to botch that; maybe we generally aren't that wise. 

If we want wisdom, it's going to have to include engaging with the past. That includes individual failures and collective ones. There are going to be threads of race and sex and exploitation, and we have to face them.

That is the only way anything is going to get better.

The Slap: Context matters

I will start with what seems like a diversion and write about inter-species revenge.

You have probably recently heard of an elephant fatally injuring a woman and returning to the funeral to trample the corpse some more. 

http://www.ptinews.com/news/13439379_Odisha--Elephant-tramples-woman--then-her-corpse.html

Other stories have added details about the elephant trampling the family home, including killing goats, and the possible motive being that the dead woman would assist poachers by throwing rocks. Those details are not substantiated, though for people who were sure the woman did something awful, the possible assistant poaching provides the desired "A-ha!"

Elephants trampling humans is common enough in India (100 - 300 annually) that the trampling itself would not have made news. Returning to the funeral is what caused the first story to catch on, fascinating with the extremely personal nature. 

Later details may just be enthusiastic fabrications, but this series of posts is considering how we react to things, including whether we try and understand, or whether we find the indignant judgment too delicious. 

I have been more interested in the attempts to understand. I have definitely seen references to habitat loss bringing humans and nature closer together, leading to more conflicts. This thread was more specific and interesting:

https://twitter.com/bloomfilters/status/1537844061222187008

I thought it was an important thread because it was getting too easy to laugh at the death of a human being and possible displacement of an already grieving family. If the human did participate in the loss of the elephant's children, but she did it to feed her own children, then how do we feel? Economic circumstances and exploitation (and over policing of minorities) can really perpetuate desperation.

Then there was this other tweet, referring to increased aggression in elephants that saw a lot of family loss while young in the 80s and 90s:

https://twitter.com/GiddensVision/status/1537885730860478465

This appears to be a posting of a private message, so is also unsubstantiated. It may be referring to this study, which does track with increased violence toward other species (including humans but also rhinos):

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3874604/

That study was done with African elephants, so it's a different population. However, that the repeated trauma of losing loved ones, combined with having fewer family members around in adolescence, can result in greater aggression (with more complicated reasons relating to decision making and knowledge), carries a certain logic. Were there similar poaching issues in India in that same time period? India has also had a long tradition of using elephant labor. If the family members are being taken away rather than being killed for ivory, there is still trauma there. 

It could be very tempting to spend some time extrapolating here about similar trends we might see among humans. My point is that even the most shocking stories don't happen in a vacuum. There are layers and background. If you just like being entertained -- "Wow! Fascinating!" -- that may not matter, though the layers could add interest. If you want things to be better, though... if you care about animals including humans... that may require paying more attention.

In that light, let's re-examine "the slap".

One interesting factor is that Chris Rock has a decades long history of making fun of Jada Pinkett Smith.  

https://www.thethings.com/chris-rock-has-a-history-of-making-fun-of-jada-pinkett-smith/

I have since seen some speculation that Rock has an unrequited thing for her, but that is not a necessary explanation; it would not be at all surprising for a comedian who habitually punches down to get lazy about the targets and feel really comfortable exploiting misogynoir.

The other thing I only learned from Twitter is that Rock has a reputation making it acceptable for white people to laugh at Black People. I don't have an article exactly on that, but one of the complaints was Rock giving Louis C.K. permission to use the N-word, and this is a pretty good article on that:

https://www.thedailybeast.com/chris-rocks-n-word-controversy-with-louis-ck-and-the-myth-of-the-down-ass-white-guy?ref=scroll

What I did know on my own was that I have Chris Rock's 2009 documentary Good Hair. Even as some of the issues with the racism Black women face regarding their hair are treated, there is more time spent on the inconvenience to men. His conclusion that he will hope that his daughter is more concerned about what is in her head than on it is not really earned, especially if his daughter ever tries to get an office job. I would not expect him to have much empathy for how a woman might feel about losing her hair.

There were also comments about the microaggressions of that night, including Jane Campion's needing to reference the Williams sisters (which was Will Smith's movie) and put down their victories to prop up hers. Rock's comment may have been one straw too many.

Let us let us also remember the different between a slap and a punch. A slap is how you start a duel, and show disrespect; it is not likely to result in a serious injury, nor is it generally intended to. The Biblical injunction to turn the other cheek does not rule out self-defense, but is saying that maybe you don't have to worry about being disrespected, which is especially helpful when you legally can't.

Obviously, none of this condones the slap. If we are going to try and understand, though, then it is worth thinking about what is considered an appropriate masculine reaction to your wife being insulted. A lot of the "rules" of social behavior depend on everyone obeying them equally. That gives the advantage to the one who does not mind being a jerk. There are a lot of problems with that.

There is one last thing it might make sense to remember, though this will be more to the point for the next post: there is a historical tendency to over-police Black men. It goes along with the historic differentials in power and authority that might make ridiculing Black people in the service of white people tempting.

None of this happens in a vacuum.

The Slap: What was said

I am now starting my three-post series (that's how I think it will go) inspired by "the slap" and our trip to the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures.

It has been hard to get started. There are so many connected thoughts and I like my writing to be organized and flow in a logical manner. The two things that nagged at me the most were related, so they are the starting point.

In the post-slap discussions of violence at the Oscars, various people on Twitter kept mentioning that it had taken six men to keep John Wayne from assaulting Sacheen Littlefeather.

Thoughts inspired there were brought home more at the Academy Museum. In a hall with rotating winner announcements and speeches (and some Oscar gowns), I was able to view the speech. 

Evening gown with black bodice and gold and black skirt on platform. Walls behind show videos of past Oscar acceptance speeches.

On Twitter there had been mentions of Littlefeather not being allowed to go over one minute. As I heard her, I realized that she was not able to read all of what Marlon Brando wrote. She did say she would make it available to the press, and it can still be found:

https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/packages/html/movies/bestpictures/godfather-ar3.html?mcubz=0 

It struck me more because for years I always remembered being told that Brando sent up a "fake" Indian.

This was the 1973 Oscars. I was one year old and should not have any memories of it. That I do indicates people talking about it years later. I don't really remember, but I suspect it came from my father at one point expressing disgust with Marlon Brando. Dad was a fan of John Wayne and Clint Eastwood.

https://www.sportskeeda.com/pop-culture/news-john-wayne-1973-oscars-attack-clint-eastwood-mocking-sacheen-littlefeather-explained-will-smith-x-chris-rock-slap-sparks-debate 

Then I remember years later reading an article about Littlefeather, who really is Indian. It might have been from around 2018 when she was diagnosed with cancer, but it could also have been back in 2015 when I was reading Ojibwa Warrior by Dennis Banks. Banks mentioned receiving aid from Brando, and felt his commitment to their cause was sincere.

There are plenty of worse things that can be said about Marlon Brando; I may get to them myself in a different post. For now, I am going to assume that at least for this his intentions were good, and his desire to raise awareness sincere. 

(Whether it was an effective form of protest is a completely different question.)

Brando's speech indicates that he intended to go to Wounded Knee himself, and that was one reason for not attending the awards. Another article indicates that preparing for the awards show ended up being hurried, so he seems to have still been in California that day. Plans don't always work out.

https://www.snopes.com/news/2022/03/31/john-wayne-sacheen-littlefeather/

Regardless, I remember this pause at realizing something false repeated as fact. Littlefeather is Apache and Yaqui through her father. Why was she called fake? Were they confusing her with Iron Eyes Cody?

It might have started with John Wayne's quote about Brando "taking some little unknown girl and dressing her up in an Indian outfit." I suspect that is a way to minimize the validity of the protest, and what is being protested. 

Reading about Cuba at the time of their revolution, how well off people were socially and financially seemed to directly correlate to how sure they were that the Taino were completely extinct. I would not expect more successful genocide to alleviate guilt, but what do I know?

Maybe loyalty to a system that benefits you is harder when someone the system harms is in front of you. As it is, I was writing about harmful portrayals of Native Americans in film just five years ago, so questioning the progress made over the past five decades is reasonable.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/06/humor-me.html

Also, there is another whole discussion to be had on blood quantum ways of determining who counts as Native American, and to whom, even today. That is not the point of this post. 

Remember, I said two things nagged at me. The other was that in the immediate aftermath I saw lots of people talking about Will Smith punching Chris Rock, but it not a punch.

That people now refer to it as "The Slap" is actually progress, but that difference matters, and we will get more into how that matters in subsequent posts. 

For this post, it reminded me of one other thing.

Once, where there was a lot of protesting going on (but it was not George Floyd, it was before that), I was getting onto a bus and the driver advised me not to stay out too late, because there was a riot scheduled. No, what was scheduled was a protest.

We were not even at the point where Portland Police would automatically declare a riot so they could break out the tear gas then. It was just that the right had gotten to the point where talking heads were changing the use of those words: protests were riots, and protesters were rioters, and those heavily negative connotations were being accepted automatically by those who leaned conservative.

If you need examples of deceit, escalating language being used as a weapon, and of people refusing to face truth (and not even having to fight that hard to avoid it)... well, you don't need the Oscars or my memories. You might view chilling January 6th footage on one channel, and then find another channel only mentioning the hearings to call it boring and manipulative.

I maintain that truth matters. 

With words being such a crucial component of communication, words matter too.

Messy and mattering: May's daily songs

I understand that I stress about things that may not really matter; that does not stop me from doing it.

May is Asian-American Pacific Islander Heritage Month. I have tried to do some reading and movie watching with that, but also very much wanted the daily songs to focus on appropriate artists.

There are two areas where I always struggle with this. Firstly, well, with Pacific Islanders in many ways their experience feels more like that of indigenous people. Still, that's how the month was arranged.

In addition, I generally end up mixing in Asian people with the Asian-Americans. For the reading and movies it often gives some cultural context that adds to understanding for the immigrant experience, but for contemporary music, does that make sense?

What made it additionally frustrating this year was that I have not been reviewing any bands, but I did not want to only play songs from familiar artists.

Therefore, I made it a point to listen to the top ten songs for each of the Asian, Asian-American (mostly US, but some Canada), and Pacific Islanders that I have listed to review. I also checked out previously reviewed bands to jog my memory and see if they had new material since the last time I listened, but I did listen to at least 27 new artists.

Normally when I do a review, I try and listen to the artist's complete catalog three times, and learn more about them. This is much more shallow, and there is less opportunity to notice things.

This became more of a concern after having read some comments about Turning Red (which I also watched and enjoyed).

One artist that was not featured in the May daily songs is Awkwafina. This is because of criticism of her appropriation of Black culture, especially in a way that exploits misogynoir. I say this having enjoyed her in movies and not thinking that she means any harm, but still being sure she could do better.

Some discussions of Turning Red criticized a similar appropriation of Black culture. I also saw responses to it that for many kids growing up, the only people of color they saw on television were Black, and they did tend to identify with and imitate those characters. It was interesting to think about. I can sympathize and understand that harm can happen without intent, and also know that I totally miss things.

When I highlight different music -- regardless of theme -- I am trying to do a good thing. I began to worry that some of these artists may be appropriating, or they may be being misogynistic, or anti-Black, or fascist in a way I don't even know about, because this is more hurried than it would be ideally. 

I mean, generally the first I saw of the videos was the day I played it, and I often did not see the whole thing. In fact, Psy was getting a song, but I saw it had a line about the pandemic being over and I actually deleted it right after posting. That is why there are two songs from The Slants (but also that they are great). I don't know that I had a great reason for doing two Mitski songs; it just worked out that way.

(I know it is not unreasonable that a pop star that focuses on style would align the capitalist trend of prematurely declaring the pandemic over, but bad Psy!)

So, I have had concerns, and they are probably over inflated, especially given that there is a good chance that no one ever really clicks on the songs I post.

However, I do have more familiarity with a number of different bands, and I have really liked some of them. If I ever do get back to having the time and ability to do reviews, I will be glad to get to some of them. 

A lot of those bands were from articles and recommendations, but then Spotify and Youtube began making recommendations. That is how I found Jennifer Chung, and I really liked her. That is a reason to do things like this.

Also, I totally nailed a BTS song on Beat Shazam the other night; that totally would not have happened otherwise.

To delve more thoroughly into the complicated relationships between Asian Americans and African Americans, I am pulling up some additional reading. Will I understand it all after that? Of course not, but I am committed to trying, and to caring.

I will continue to complicate my life in June by focusing on artists that are both Black and Queer, for a combined Black Music/Pride month.

(I recently saw that May is also Jewish Heritage Month. I don't know if I will ever successfully combine those two themes, but it is something to think about.)

Daily Songs:

5/1 “Endlessly Falling” by The Slants
5/2 “Growing Up” by The Linda Lindas
5/3 “Short Hair” by Cho Yong-Pil
5/4 “Dance With Me” by Beabadoobee
5/5 “Be Sweet” by Japanese Breakfast
5/6 “Dynamite” by BTS
5/7 “Le Manu” by Shepherds Reign
5/8 “A Little Peace” by MILCK with Creators for Change
5/9 “Helpless” by Clones of the Queen
5/10 “Why Not” by Jake Shimabukuro (feat. Kenny Loggins)
5/11 “Monsters Calling Home” by Run River North
5/12 “This World Breaks Your Heart and Makes You Grey” by Ogikubo Station
5/13 “Rocketeer” by Far East Movement (feat. Ryan Tedder)
5/14 “Sagaba” by Blue Scholars
5/15 “Rydeen” by Yellow Magic Orchestra
5/16 “Narcissist” by No Rome (feat. The 1975)
5/17 “Black Hole” by Griff
5/18 “California” by Rich Brian, NIKI, and Warren Hue
5/19 “Me After You” by Paul Kim
5/20 “Guap” by Yaeji
5/21 “Try” by Melissa Polinar
5/22 “First Love/Late Spring” by Mitski
5/23 “Honeybody” by Kishi Bashi
5/24 “June Gloom” by Low Leaf
5/25 “Alone Again” by The King Khan & BBQ Show
5/26 “Thursday” by Asobi Seksu
5/27 “Marionette” by BOØWY
5/28 “Come Back Home” by Katherine Ho
5/29 “Take It One Day At A Time” by Jennifer Chung
5/30 “18 21” by The Slants
5/31 “Washing Machine Heart” by Mitski

Black History Month Sharing: Week 4

This is a week late.

That I was no longer posting a piece of media daily was a factor, because that could have reminded me, but I think that it was a busy work week and I as fretting over getting the dog into the vet, which has become harder due to staffing shortages, which is why my work is so busy and also relates to not knowing when I can get my blood draw...

Well, the world is still rough, and I am not ready to go back to regular blogging.

I am still very glad that I did this.

February 22nd
Ida B. Wells

She has been my hero since high school. That was first for her anti-lynching crusade, using her writing to fight injustice. As I learned more about her, from caring for orphaned siblings, fighting discrimination on street cars, creating resources and always energetically doing good... still my hero.

Paired with "Hurricane" by Grace Jones, to give some idea of her energy. "Strange Fruit" would have fit, but unfortunately it fits for a lot of things.

February 23rd
When They See Us (2019)

Sometimes the past isn't even that far past. I remember this, and their exoneration, and I have read a book by Linda Fairstein where she uses "articulate" to describe three different Black people, a small but telling sign of her unacknowledged conforming to structural racism. Of course she continues to doubt the exoneration; she is not set up for any kind of deeper analysis.

(The book was Sexual Violence, about the building up of the "Special Victims Unit", in television terms. It used to be recommended, but I think that is less likely to happen now.)

I don't want to focus on her, but the other thing that is not past is the damage caused. We all need to be make an effort to understand it.

Paired with "Love & Hate" by Michael Kiwanuka, as featured on the soundtrack.

February 24th
Spies of Mississippi (2014)

I watched this Dawn Porter documentary when it was new (I will read the book someday), and I had to keep rewinding and watching one segment over to transcribe it, because it was so appalling. 

"The Jackson Police Department operates with the best demonstration deterrent of any city in the country. In addition to Thompson's Tank, armor-plated and equipped with nine machine gun positions, the arsenal includes cage trucks for transporting masses of arrested violators, searchlight trucks, each of which can light three city blocks in case of night riots, police dog teams, trained to trail, search a building, or disperse a mob or crowd, mounted police for controlling parades or pedestrian traffic, and compounds and detention facilities to hold and house 10000 prisoners.

Along with these ironclad police facilities are new ironclad state laws, outlawing picketing, economic boycotting and demonstrating. Other laws to control the printing and distribution of certain types of information, and laws to dampen complaints to federal authorities."

Remember, this is to fight people working on voter registration. For citizens. 

The associated book is from 2010, and making films takes a long time, so in theory this was not influenced by Ferguson, and could not have been influenced by unmarked vans in Portland, and yet, the problems remain similar.

Paired with "Misissippi Goddam" by Nina Simone.

February 25th
Tulsa Burning: The 1921 Race Massacre (2021)

The difference between a lynching and a race riot is primarily one of scale. The same economic factors, the same lies, the same failures of law enforcement... they are all there. The problems remain similar.

"Strange Fruit" by Billie Holiday

February 26th
Andrea Davis Pinkney and Brian Pinkney

Not everything is anger and sadness. Looking up The Snowy Day before I shared it, I learned about A Poem for Peter, and started reading multiple works by Andrea Davis Pinkney, most of which were written with her illustrator husband. They create works about Black history, and art, and love for brown babies 

In fact, I had already read something of Andrea's, when I was exploring Sean Qualls, whom I found through reading disability-themed children's books.  

I had also read something from Brian's father, Caldecott medalist Jerry Pinkney (because I was reading all the Caldecott winners), and Jerry's wife and Brian's mother is an author, so I think I will explore works by them next year.

I love connection, and I love when it comes along with other things that I try and do.

Paired with "Harlem Congo" by Chick Webb, one of the tracks mentioned in Ella Fitzgerald: The Tale of a Vocal Virtuoso.

February 27th
Reparations Toolkit

What immediately struck me about this is how much it sounded like repentance, and that makes perfect sense. We can do things to improve, but unless we transform, and root out the white supremacy, it's not going to work. That is the change that is needed.

https://m4bl.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/Reparations-Now-Toolkit-FINAL.pdf

Paired with "Up Above My Head" by Sister Rosetta Tharpe

February 28th
"Grief Over Time" - interview with Sybrina Fulton by Derecka Purnell for The Cut

Aside from the personal emotions that I still have over Trayvon Martin's death, and a normal empathy for grief, what strikes me here is this perspective of people working for similar goals, if not exactly the same, and the room for conflict between them. It may even be competition, and sabotage, if there is concern that different techniques could harm the goal. We still do that, and I am convinced it doesn't help. 

She looks to a future that I hope will be better.

https://www.thecut.com/article/sybrina-fulton-trayvon-martin-interview.html

Paired with "Hourglass" by Mary J. Blige

Black History Month Sharing: Week 3

Just one week left now. I really wanted this to be better organized, but all I can be is sincere.

February 15th
Denzel Washington (1954 -     )

When I did the director spotlight on him, it was more that I had finally watched Fences, and then it was only two other films, so why not? That led to some interviews as I tried to find out how he decided when to direct, because he doesn't do it very often. It appears to be helping underdog films get made and doing favors. Listening to him, so warm and thoughtful and mentoring, well, it made me mad at Katie Couric, especially learning that she had held back racist comments from Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but the Black man is scary.

And really, none of it is surprising, but my admiration and affection for Mr. Washington has only grown.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/03/director-spotlight-denzel-washington.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/09/celebrity-smackdown-couric-versus.html

Paired with "Whatta Man" by En Vogue with Salt N Pepa.

February 16th
"Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power" by Audre Lorde (1978)

Lorde's writing has meant so much to me, but I am focusing on this one, because of a context in which it hit. It came at about the same time as a question about sexiness in women being equated with stupidity, and with reading something else about true sexuality being healing in its connection with and acceptance of the body. So then to read about how the erotic is connecting the physical with the emotional and spiritual, rather than the fear that tries to cast off the physical, or something else that tries to have the physical divorced from any emotional, well, I think there are some important ideas in there, that still seem beyond far too many people.

Paired with "Let's Talk About Sex" by Salt N Pepa.

February 17th
bell hooks (1952 - 2021)

I suppose hooks has been slightly outranked by Lorde, but I started reading hooks first, and she was the one who introduced me to "Dominator Culture" which was huge for me (and why I keep bringing it up all the time, years later). She also introduced me to Paolo Freire.

February 18th
Selma (2014)

This is an incredibly well done movie on an incredibly important subject. I would have given Oscars for wardrobe, directing, and the song. It only won for song. If there could only be one win, then maybe that one makes sense, because it does a good job of bridging then and now, and the fight for civil rights and voting rights is not over. There will need to be something amazingly transformational to get us to where that is no longer a problem, but hooks and Lorde would have some ideas.

Paired with "Glory" by Common and John Legend.

February 19th
March by John Lewis, Andrew Aydin, and Nate Powell (2013)

John Lewis and Andrew Aydin came to Powell's books when the first book came out. I remember him saying that he would cosplay as himself at Comic-con -- a new experience for him, which mainly meant adding a backpack to his usual look -- and also him asking me if I was getting into good trouble. 

That was not a special thing for me; good trouble was a theme for him. Getting everyone included, though, was special for him, and what is needed. Then there is also the playfulness. His death is a loss, but his rest is well-earned.

Paired with "Walk This Way" by Run DMC.

February 20th
How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X Kendi (2019)

This was done with wonderful clarity and compassion. It is direct but caring, and I have to really appreciate that. Kendi takes the stance of being that friend who is going to be honest with you, but still a friend, and he does it really well.

Paired with "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Elton John, and Gladys Knight

February 21st
I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown (2018)

Also in the realm of anti-racist books, this is not as humorous, but it touched me a lot and it introduced me to Audre Lorde, which was of incalculable value. Of special note is the chapter "Whiteness At Work", where good, well-meaning people are still caught up in the structural racism, as a constant part of her work day. It shouldn't be this way, and the onus is on the white people.

Paired with "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer

Black History Month Sharing: Week 2

Another week down. I had some technical issues that caused me to skip songs for two of the days, but the sound card is functional, new speakers have been added, and I probably just need to replace the motherboard fan and maybe get a webcam now.

Enough about me.

February 8th
How Europe Underdeveloped Africa by Walter Rodney (1971)

This gets back to my love of Lerone Bennett's work too. I often read very dry, academic works because the information is important. When someone tells you something important and in a way that various levels of readers with different amounts of background information can process, that is an amazing accomplishment, sometimes quite rare. This book was a revelation, and I have found others who have felt the same way. It may be somewhat outdated now, but it will always be important.

Paired with "I Might Have Been Queen" by Tina Turner.

February 9th
Mirror to America by John Hope Franklin (2005)

In some ways the quintessential professor of African American history, reading Franklin's history, and its issues with race. It is told with grace and love, and sometimes tragedy. It is lengthy, but also a delight.

Paired with "Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay" by Otis Redding.

February 10th
"Let America Be America Again" by Langston Hughes (1936)

Powerful, and I can imagine people nodding along, with a completely different idea of what America being America would mean, but for me it means equality for all, white supremacy eradicated, because as long as we cling to some bigotry it leaves room for more to grow. None of us are free until all of us are free.

No song today. This has its own rhythm, and my sound is out.

February 11th
Underground (2016)

This was a good show overall, and the "Minty" episode was amazing, but the strongest lasting impression comes from a moment at the end of the first season. Rosalee's brother was supposed to run with the rest of the group, and did not. As she is finally at a place of safety, she learns of her brother's death. She tells Noah that none of us are free unless all of us are free. She goes on to work with Harriet Tubman, and to try and rescue her other brother and their mother.

When I go on about "dominator culture" (and I know that I do), it is not just because that need to be able to control others causes harm directly, but even our good intentions are impeded by it. If I want racial equality or gender equality, but I won't give up my homophobia or transphobia or ableism, I am strengthening the racists and the misogynists, regardless of my intent. 

I want all of us to be free. It's going to require emphasis on the "all".

Still no song.

February 12th
The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander (2010)

I was recently reading a different book on how we got to racism without racists. That "colorblindness" means that you can have a law enforcement and and prison system that is racist in practice without having to officially declare it. Alexander does a great job of tracing the path and showing the details.

Paired with "Fuck tha Police" by N.W.A

February 13th
What's Going On by Marvin Gaye (1971)

This is a profound album, with an emotional response to the times. As I listen again I am impressed with the questioning of his place in the whole. It is cosmic, but remains grounded.

Paired with the title track.

February 14th
Just Mercy (movie 2019 and book by Bryan Stevenson 2014)

I have been touched by Stevenson's work going back to a Smithsonian article back in 2012, but you learn more from the movie and the book. A lasting lesson from the book is how the racism of the legal system may be somewhat arbitrary, but that acts as intimidation for everyone else. In addition, yes, you can free a falsely accused man from prison after many years, but you can't restore his family life or the toll on his health or the time lost. 

Paired with "Mercy Mercy Me" by Marvin Gaye

Black History Month Sharing: Week 1

Since the start of the pandemic, I have become very interested in curriculum design and effective learning. 

In addition, my time in the group reading Me and White Supremacy had me thinking about going over the books I have read and trying to sort out good groups of books for different topics.

I am not quite there yet, but it occurred to me that for Black History Month I could share different things that were close to my heart each day. I would also try and make the daily songs correlate, though I am not sure I will be able to keep that up.

It occurred to me after a few days that keeping track on the blog might be nice. Jotting down a small note daily that I already posted on Facebook and tweeted is significantly easier than writing a full post.

This is not a return to regular blogging, but I will do a week's worth on Wednesdays, until all 28 have been done. I don't know what will happen next; what's new?

February 1st
Before the Mayflower by Lerone Bennett Jr. (1964)

I found this book very moving. It covers important history, but does it with compassion and elegance that is hard to find. 

Paired with "Black Man" by Stevie Wonder, also a trip through history.

February 2nd
The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats (1962)

Groundbreaking in depicting a Black child as the protagonist (and magical on its own), the book was a step forward in representation, and something that Keats tried to continue is his other books, where Peter and his friends have other adventures.

Paired with "Greatest Love Of All" by Whitney Houston (because "the children").

February 3rd
“Peanuts, Franklin, and Racial Representation in Cartoons”, Beyond the Scenes/ The Daily Show

I did not even know that The Daily Show had a feature where extended sessions on segments were done until a friend sent me this. Correspondent Roy Wood Jr. talks to writer Josh Johnson and cartoonist and friend of Charles Schulz Robb Armstrong.

I found it touching and interesting overall, but the most interesting part was that Franklin's creation came after concerted urging by a Los Angeles teacher, Harriet Glickman. Schulz initially did not think he should, worried that he was not the right person, but in addition to continuing to write to him, Glickman got friends to write to him.

Schulz did add Franklin, got push-back, and threatened to quit producing the strip. He needed encouragement, but once there he was determined.

So much of the pushing today is destructive shoving, but we can prod, kindly but firmly, and with reinforcements.

Paired with "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers.

February 4th
Invictus (2009)

I do love this movie, and I have seen other people react strongly to it, mostly in good ways. I also wanted to mention it in a last push to send people (at least ones in the Portland Metro Area) to Mandela: The Official Exhibition at OMSI through February 13th.

https://sporktogo.blogspot.com/2021/11/omsi-mandela-official-exhibition.html

Paired with "Nkosi Sikelel iAfrica" (the South African National Anthem, featured in the movie) as sung by the Soweto Gospel Choir.

February 5th
Hair Love (2019)

Matthew Cherry's short film also has a children's book. The book is from the daughter's point of view, while the movie is from the father's, as the father has to try and live up to the mother's skill with natural hair. There is a lot of heart in both, with more humor in the movie, but it might be a painful humor for someone with similar struggles.

Paired with "Don't Touch My Hair" by Solange and featuring Sampha. 

February 6th
And the Walls Came Tumbling Down by Ralph Abernathy (1989)

A warm, insightful account of the work of the Southern Leaders Conference from Martin Luther King Jr.'s close colleague and friend, this was written twenty years later, with the benefit of hindsight. I think there is a lot to learn, even now, from this account, fortunately written shortly before Abernathy's death.

Paired with "Lift Every Voice And Sing" by Alicia Keys.

February 7th
Queen Sugar (2016 - )

I love this show. There are wonderful characters, who are not perfect (except maybe Hollywood), but they are still completely relatable and even lovable. Good dealings with grief, racism, forgiveness, masculinity, and many other subjects that are helpful to see.

Because they handle so many difficult topics in such a sensitive manner, and because the theme song is sung by Meshell Ndegeocello, paired with her cover of "Sensitivity".

Birthday post

When I wrote that I was taking a break, I really hoped it would be a short one. I could keep up with the blog during training, though it wasn't easy. Once I started taking calls, I thought there would be an adjustment period, but that I would gain experience and regain my equilibrium.

That didn't happen.

(I have been continuing to post on the other two blogs, very regularly on travel -- for which I still have nine drafts of things we have already done -- and somewhat less regularly on provident living.)

It's not that I am still struggling with how to do my job. While there are still periodically things that come up that I don't know, usually it is something that truly is weird. I am doing pretty well in general.

It is more the call volume, and even more than that my specific reaction to the call volume.

It is busy. Some of that is probably time of year, though I do have concerns that part of it is inadequate staffing and that there is a worker shortage that can't be easily solved and it will never let up. That could be true.

However, it is mainly the effect that the frequent phone ringing has on my nerves. 

I tried avoiding applying at call centers, but other types of jobs weren't hiring me. Of the places that would hire me, this was definitely the best. After my probation period is over on March 13th, I should have options for moving into other jobs within the company. I think I might do well in claims.

Here is something I know about myself: I am good at concentration. I do well with states of flow, and that can include spending time working out an intricate problem, but having a chance to focus on it.

I do love helping the people who call, for the most part; it's the start of that call, maybe when I am trying to finish logging something or read e-mail or study something that I realized that I don't know that well... that's what is getting me.

As it is, I have hives again. The last time I had them was when Mom's attention span was going, and there was constant change and difficulty in keeping her happy. It makes sense, then and now.

It's not bad knowing something about yourself. There may be frustration if there is a problem you can't solve, but identifying the problem doesn't make it a problem; that's just awareness.

So, I am still not writing for a while.

There are so many things that I have to say, but I will only flesh those thoughts out more for when I am able to write them.

Regardless, for the luck that makes my birthday a holiday, today I have time, and I will post. Today is about doing the things I have not been getting time to do.

(I know I have joked in the past that when I turned 50 I would get on Our Time while I was the hot young thing, but it is hard to think of a more annoying way to spend my limited time, and that is just not going to happen.)

Break time!

This post is late because I have an internet issue.

It is probably something really simple, but I don't know. 

My wireless connection went out this weekend. I need to use the wired connection for work. When I set up my work PC I changed my personal one to connect via the wireless. That indicates that I should be capable of fixing this, at least in theory, and yet... 

When the issue first occurred there was an error message that I should have written down or something, because it probably would have pointed me in the right direction. I didn't have time then, and time remains an issue.

Regarding time, I had been toying with the idea of taking a break from blogging to catch up on other writing. That seems like a good idea for now.

I am not planning on posting to this site until after Thanksgiving. I will continue to update the travel blog and probably the preparedness blog.

I did get through a lot with the last round of posting. More recently I have been posting random things that have felt good to write about, but it may be time to gear up for the next larger project. I am going to spend some time figuring that out.

It's easy to be productive with no internet.

 

Album Review: Pete by Jesse Valenzuela

If I recall correctly, when I saw Jesse in January 2019, he mentioned that he was working on a new album. I would periodically check for it.

Pete appears to have come out in August of last year (not that I have been prompt in reviewing it). 

I am not positive on the release date, because Jesse has been scarce on the internet for a while, deactivating his Twitter and Facebook page. The only working link from the previous reviews is the Youtube topic, though it does have a Pete playlist now with the different tracks loaded.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC24AgkfU3mTUYdbCwUtBN5A

The album is still available for purchase on Amazon and Apple Music, and can be listened to on Spotify.

While retaining social media could have been helpful for promotion of the new material, I suspect going offline might relate to the subject matter.

Pete is a very mature album, though maybe not in the way expected. 

Initially I noted the ways in which it was romantic. The album does wear its heart on its sleeve, perhaps most notably on "Love Struck Kid". However, that kid is not a kid; he does learn and is making choices more deliberately. That means there can be a decision to move on, as in "Find Me Someone", and that decision is based at least in part on valuing himself.

Perhaps the greatest thing about that maturity is that it doesn't scoff at play. The first and last tracks are -- respectively -- "Jesse's Walk On" and "Jesse's Walk Off", with actual foot steps during the walk on. (So maybe he still feels like a kid, and is certainly not "old".)

The second track "Never Coming Home", with subtle accents of trumpet and accordion, enlivening without overpowering. The overall mood is positive, but in a mellow, relaxed way.

That is the state of maturity displayed on Pete. Greater appreciation for the self and sunsets, still loving deeply, still playing, and sometimes losing but happier for knowing what to let go.

It is a state of grace.

Previous posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/07/band-review-jesse-valenzuela.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/01/concert-review-jesse-valenzuela.html

Curating music in a socially responsible way

I am not doing well enough with my daily songs.

I know, I just wrote about realizing that there is no such thing as a perfect playlist and went over specific reasons why. Still, here we are in Native American Heritage Month and I just feel like I should be more ahead of the game.

I know I want to do daily songs by native artists all month, and for there to be a playlist by the end of it. I even know which songs should start and end both the month and the playlist.

Everything else just feels like I am throwing it out there, and have to because I haven't spent enough time reviewing. I was finishing Halloween and then I will need to start on Christmas right away, and then I want to have something special for February...

I may be at the point where I mentally know that perfection is not possible, but where I have not yet emotionally accepted it.

That does sound like me.

I think part of the pressure I put on myself is because these are two areas that are so important to me. 

I love music. I am comforted by it, excited by it, thrilled by it, and fascinated by it. I could find more applicable verbs if I tried. 

Music does not mean as much to me as equality, but they are not in competition. Music can help with that. I seek out artists from marginalized groups, and that is important to me both ethically and musically.

Early on in starting the reviews, I gave each opening act their own review. Sometimes if there wasn't a lot of information or two bands played short sets, I did combine, but the really solid rule is that it doesn't matter if they are local or touring or have been together for two months and will dissolve next month or they have been doing this for nine years and scraping by with day jobs or if they are famous:  I will listen. I will hunt up their web links. I will give them a shot. 

Bands are made of people and people matter

That "people matter" part might be why I have so much trouble with bigotry.

There remains that inconvenient fact that I do not have much of a platform. It is very questionable about whether the agonizing I do over the content I put out matters at all, but it does matter to me. I know, and I have thought deeply about it, and if it comes up at some point, then I will be ready.

And I still wish I were better organized/less tired/had started working on certain things sooner.

I don't necessarily wish I had a larger platform. If more people would be better, I don't think I would need one. For now, I think I am still gearing up for whatever comes next.

Self doubt and cardboard

My conclusion yesterday was about not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. That is somewhat of a theme in my life right now.

In my last week of training -- which is basically taking phone calls but with trainers on standby -- I probably am doing pretty well, but when I hit a snag I am so hard on myself: Why don't I remember this!?! And yet, I have been here for less than two months, and they told us many things.

I have had it confirmed that no one has heard me sounding flustered or panicked, but it still really bothers me that I feel flustered or panicked.

I know I have grown in many ways, but I still regularly have difficulty accepting being human.

There are two other areas where I really need to pull myself together. Well, two that I can think of right now.

I will write about the other tomorrow, but today is more about my effort to bring my yard into harmony with nature.

The last time I covered this (in the appropriately named "Garden stress") I mentioned some plans for cardboard and mulch in the fall, and that if that was all I did it would be enough. Then, due to some orders of large flat things, I had two great cardboard boxes to use; I was so thrilled.

I recently read a comment about how bad the cardboard chemicals are.

I am not sure I believe it. Lots of other people use cardboard and newspapers, and it seems to be okay, but...

WHAT IF I AM MAKING A TERRIBLE MISTAKE?

Okay, the area where I was planning to use it was not going to be for human food, but the whole point of so much of what I want to do is for there to be food for insects and birds and all the small creatures. I don't want to poison them.

I had a lot of fun this Halloween, but the thing I hated most was that I hadn't grown any pumpkins. Some of that was weather issues, and I figured out what I would have done differently, but I want to try it again and get it right.

Could thinking about "getting it right" be setting me up for disappointment? Is there such a thing as getting it right?

If your brain does similar things to you, you have my sympathies. 

 Please don't mind if I am a little distracted by what to do with this cardboard.

Never as planned

I have completed my first week of the Turkey Trot.

If you will recall, there are many Turkey Trots. This one is a 28 day, 280000 step challenge that I am doing through https://walkertracker.com/. It is supposed to be tracing a path in the shape of a turkey, but I can never get the map to load. Knowing my virtual location on the path would be fun, but the real goal was to move more, and I am.

With effort, I have been able to keep up with the challenge. 

Working at home and only doing things around the house, it would be easy to stay somewhere around 4000 steps per day. With a desk job, it is easy to become glued to the chair and get quite stiff.

Adding in some walking in place or dancing or taking extra trips to do mundane tasks can get that over 10000, but that requires attention and monitoring. That is what makes this valuable.

(Only about 2400 extra steps have come from walking outside so far; it's been pretty dark and rainy out there.)

There was some early panic.

I saw that the challenge was supposed to start on October 25th. When I went to enter that first day, I saw that the site runs its weeks Sunday through Saturday. Who does that? Oh no! I had missed a day!

That led to me making myself get 11000 steps for the first two days, hoping that I could still make the weekly total with a little extra during the work week and then I hoped for a big push on Saturday.

The challenge did, in fact, start on Monday. I overreacted, but I primed to do so because of my procrastination.

I mentioned that I had to order a pedometer. It arrived about a week before the start. In my mind I was going to get it all programmed, then do some testing of different tasks and distances, and I would start the actual challenge out all prepared and organized.

I got hung up early on the reset button not working. It does work, but you have to hold it down for an extended period of time. Given how frustrating unintentional resets can be, this is a good feature. Reading the directions and testing it sorted that out, which I finally got around to the night of the 24th, the day I thought I had missed. 

I still haven't set the clock.

That doesn't really matter. I mean, preparedness is nice, but without that I have already figured out that the average song is 500 steps, changing the litter boxes is 1200 steps, and one loop around the park is 800 steps.

There was nothing wrong with the original vision, other than that it wasn't going to happen and thinking that it needed to happen and not getting there caused some delays and frustration.

So, perhaps in this time period where I am starting a new job and getting caught up on things, this may be the wrong time to let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Related post:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/10/one-more-thing-about-work.html

Vamps versus Zombies

 I thought I was all done with Halloween, but then I remembered writing this:

For now, though, after two days of on-boarding at work, with going through various exercises, I want to write about some of that. (Except for my new insights on preferring vampires to zombies; I think I will save that for October.)

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/09/assessing.html

I never did get around to it.

I thought I would because I thought I would have some October posts going over the symbolism of different monsters, and relating that to emotional health. There ended up being different things to write about.

I still like the idea, and am toying with the idea of turning that into my first non-fiction book.

Regardless, I promised I would share a new insight, and I'm going to do it!

Historically, I have always preferred vampires to zombies for mostly aesthetic reasons. 

If you must be killed by a supernatural creature, a necking embrace in the dark seems preferable to having your brain eaten. Even before I thought of that, the visible signs of decay on zombies were just gross most of the time, whereas vampires are usually pretty good looking (except for Count Orlok from Nosferatu and that space vampire from Buck Rogers).

I realize there are people who like the ooky stuff, but that has never been me.

When I wrote that, I had realized another important advantage of vampires if you have to fight them. I do not remember what question led to it.

Usually the questions are about your weapon in the zombie apocalypse. My thinking has changed on that as well. 

I used to always say "a machete", because I don't want to have to deal with running out of bullets (or arrows). Yes, it might need regular sharpening, and you need to have some arm strength and stamina, but I always felt good about a machete, except there is no distance. All of those longer-range weapons can require restocking, but it's still nice to not have your striking distance and the zombie's striking distance be about the same.

(Whereas vampire fighting generally assumes it is up close and personal.)

It occurred to me, though, that the real advantage of fighting vampires is you get the daytime off. Whether they need a certain amount of time to lay on their native soil or will actually burn up in sunlight, that's a huge help.

With zombies there is never any rest. Part of that is quantity, due to the much greater contagion rate. Who needs that?

I have now gone on the record regarding this important issue.

EP Review: Light-years to the Next Star by Dr. Something

While I was working on playlists -- including being unable to countenance not using Dr. Something's "Here Comes Count Dracula" -- I realized that I have had Dr. Something's lockdown EP on my listen list since March (a bit before I started doing reviews again). 

The solution was obvious.

I did know that Alison had been creating space monster art, so I was not completely surprised at the cosmic themes. They are most obvious in the second track, "Oort Cloud". However, I think the track that best captures the feelings of the quarantine and other aspects of this past time period is "Grip":

Holding onto this world, though it's cruel, please be soft,
Help my grip; keep us from falling off!

It is a non-denominational prayer for 2020 and beyond.

I remain impressed by the beauty and clarity of Alison's voice. Checking in with her silly-sad chamber pop is always worthwhile.

Light-years to the Next Star is currently available at https://drsomething.bandcamp.com/album/light-years-to-the-next-star. Dr. Something's entire catalog can be downloaded for $16.80.

Links:

https://drsomething.com/

https://drsomething.bandcamp.com/ 

https://soundcloud.com/drsomething

https://www.facebook.com/drsomethingmusic 

https://twitter.com/DrSomething

Previous reviews: 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/05/band-review-dr-something.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/11/concert-review-dr-something.html

 

Halloween playlists

I've been down this road before.

I thought a lot (and blogged) about Halloween music and videos in 2011 and 2013. The first thing I notice is that I have some of the same issues as always. However, this time around, I also know a lot more songs.

I wanted to create one really ultimate playlist, getting in everything good in 31 songs, one for each day in October. It was going to start with "O Fortuna" and end with "Tubular Bells", but the penultimate song would be "Hell Night" from the Misfits, because October 30th is Hell Night.

Then it fell apart.

There were a few factors, but one of the key ones was wanting to get in "Here Comes Count Dracula" by Dr. Something, which is only available via Bandcamp and Soundcloud. There are songs that don't have videos, per se, but you can still bring them up on Youtube. This is not one of them.

Somehow, that split everything apart. If the primary conflict before had been whether the song and video were both Halloween-themed, split the difference! Make one Spotify playlist, with only Halloween-themed songs, and one Youtube playlist, with only Halloween-themed videos.

The daily songs ended up being mostly videos, but that list was only finalized in the past few days. I only settled on the Youtube list last night.

(But I finished the Spotify list earlier, tested it, and it is pretty great.)

Spotify playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6I5nSIXqv9ph5SvlUBK4sQ?si=07bc890f3c084caa

Youtube playlist:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWpUCC7Ou33-E2RLxs3AVn3lasZolfy1r

Then there are the daily songs, which are a bit of a mix.

These years of reviewing music have taught me that there is no ultimate, perfect playlist. Different songs and formats serve different needs and moods, so embrace plurality.

Not everything is ideal. The Spotify version of "Dracula's Tango" is not the best, and the only way Spotify has "Hell Night" is after a long silence that plays after "Don't Open 'Til Doomsday". What was available changed the way things went.

The Spotify playlist tells one story that starts off grim, and questions whether the protagonist is cursed. Eventually things become more light-hearted, with a declaration of not being "Superstitious", but still concluded by "Tubular Bells", because the eerie is still out there.

The only appropriate conclusion for the videos ended up being "Night On Bald Mountain/Ave Maria". That meant it ended up starting out more light-hearted and fun, became more dreadful, and hit its most despairing right before the end. It is darkest before the dawn, but then dawn does come and it is a new month.

October is my favorite month, but it must end.

Links will show you the songs selected for the two playlists, but I will list daily songs below, after the related posts.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2011/07/halloween-videos-and-also-rans.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/11/halloween-videos-and-misfits-songs.html 

 

October Daily Songs:

10/1 “O Fortuna” from Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, performed by James Levine and the Chicago Symphony Orchestra and Chorus

10/2 “This is Halloween” from The Nightmare Before Christmas

10/3 “I Miss You” by Blink-182

10/4 “Dead Man's Party” by Oingo Boingo

10/5 “Man Behind the Mask” by Alice Cooper

10/6 “Dream Warriors” by Dokken

10/7 “Pet Sematery” by Ramones

10/8 “A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me” by Fall Out Boy

10/9 “I Think I'm In Love” by Eddie Money

10/10 “Doing It All For My Baby” by Huey Lewis and The News

10/11 “J Train” by Reggie and the Full Effect

10/12 “Bad Vibrations” by Berwanger

10/13 “Werewolf” by Quinn XCII feat. Yoshi Flower

10/14 “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon

10/15 “La Vampiresa” by Los Tigrillos

10/16 “Night Boat” by Duran Duran

10/17 “Grimly Fiendish” by The Damned

10/18 “Dracula's Tango (Sucker For Your Love)” by Toto Coelo

10/19 “Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man” by Concrete Blonde

10/20 “Ghostbusters” by Ray Parker Jr.

10/21 “On Our Own” by Bobby Brown

10/22 “Zombie Love” by LightningCloud

10/23 “Dirty Creature” by Split Enz

10/24 “Blue Line Baby” by Nothing

10/25 “Enthralldom” by Iron Mountain

10/26 “Weighted” by frnkiero and the cellabration

10/27 “Baby You're a Haunted House” by Gerard Way

10/28 “37” by Reggie and the Full Effect

10/29 “Count Dracula” by Dr. Something

10/30 “Disconnected” by Keane

10/31 “I'm Not A Vampire (Reimagined)” by Falling In Reverse