Case studies: The saddest one

B is the one who I think is divorced now.

I already mentioned him declaring the truth of the clip with a man imperiously telling a woman that gaslighting doesn't exist; but there was something else.

It was a picture of Ryan Adams requesting that he be freed. B captioned it, "He once broke up with a girl... the horror."

Ryan Adams is not in jail. He has many releases including this year, so is not prohibited from working. 

However, there are people who look down on him because of harassment allegations. Seven women, including his ex-wife, said Adams offered to help them musically, but was really trying to pursue them romantically, and then retaliated and harassed when his advances were rejected. Adams has apologized for this, after initially denying it.

It's not the most recent post, but one where his personality is coming through and looking pretty misogynistic.

One thing about the three is that they were all at very different places politically when we scuffled. B was someone who liked conservative traditions but did not like the direction they were going.

Often those were the types who would say that they are socially liberal but fiscally conservative (which is a crock), but I think he was a little bit too religiously conservative to have fully supported reproductive choice. I imagine the direction he went was full-on libertarian, but bitter about that being his most palatable option.

I too am very sad about how the Republican party has devolved. I mean, they haven't been that great for a while, but nothing good has come of it getting this bad.

(Sorry for those who thought this nightmare would propel the revolution forward. You were wrong.)

(For the Republican devolution, a lot of people will look at Lee Atwater and the Southern Strategy as the start, but even if you don't go back to the end of Reconstruction, I would at least go back to the Dixiecrats. It was a process.) 

While I understand that it can be very hard to admit that you were wrong politically, I don't think political trends took the worst toll. 

I believe his biggest problem was the unacknowledged sexism. Of course I respect women. Of course I support their rights. 

But in this moment I know that I am right and you are wrong... somehow repeating in every moment where there was a conflict.

I believe that harassment is bad in theory, but in practice it keeps not seeming that bad.

Of course I know that you are a complete human being, but... over and over.

It is easy to avoid acknowledging those patterns baked into the patriarchy. It would take digging deep to grow out of them, in a way that is not comfortable or flattering. 

Plus, if his sexism is benevolent enough and her expectations are low enough, you can get along fairly well for quite a while. 

The benevolent sexism still wears down the recipients, less gradually as it becomes less benevolent.

Times like these are not great for benevolence. 

Know that not examining your sexism affects your political beliefs, and that racism works in much the same way, but less frequently in such intimate relationships.