I must specify here that I am writing these in an order that I think is logical, not in terms of which is hardest. They are all stressful and they are all different.
This one is frustrating because we have been living with it for so long, but there keep being indicators that we won't have Mom for much longer. Part of my concern with blogging was that I would establish a good pattern and then she would go and any consistency or momentum would be shot to pieces.
No matter how long we live with it, I don't think there is going to be a point where I won't feel it anymore.
As it is, Mom keeps outliving everyone.
Since the second time she entered hospice, four friends have lost parents or in-laws. That's actually more, because in one of the families we know four of the children, plus one of us knows a grandchild. Also, I am sure I am forgetting more people who have lost parents over that time period.
Over that time period, Mom has also lost two roommates. Maybe I should warn the new one's family.
Also, there have been countless celebrity deaths, in many cases for people who were maybe younger or in better health. (Not Mitch McConnell though.)
Part of me feels guilty, like it's because Mom is waiting around for me to graduate and if I weren't taking so long to do so she could have passed peacefully months ago.
That's not all my fault.
There is the endless cycle of not wanting her to go but feeling like this is no life for her and all of that circling round and round, and yes, we have been dealing with this a long time.
None of that makes it any easier. The long goodbye takes a toll.
Of course, the sudden, quick ones do too.
Maybe part of my writing this week is a way of trying to demonstrate -- to myself as well -- that I will survive whatever happens next, regardless of how much of it is unknown and can't be predicted or really prepared for.
But realistically, even if I establish a good rhythm again, it probably will be disrupted.
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