Celebrity Packs

Spork grew up in a magical time called the 80’s. Music was danceable, cable was expanding, and the drab golds, greens, and oranges of the 70’s were replaced by vivid reds, royal purples, and electric blues. Hair and earrings were big, stores began aging your denim for you, and lots of people wore hats.

It was a fine time, and its cinema was dominated by the Brat Pack. Who was the Brat Pack? Now that was a loosely defined group! If you look at the cast of St. Elmo’s Fire and The Breakfast Club, you are off to a good start, but that is only the starting point. Twice in my lifetime I have vague memories of people asking about it in “Walter Scott's Personality Parade” (PARADE), and him saying that originally it referred to a specific group of actors, which included Nicolas Cage, and then it just expanded.

I never thought too much about it, until I read somewhere else that the Rat Pack originally referred to a bunch of buddies that Humphrey Bogart hung out with, and Sinatra was the only person in the popularly perceived Rat Pack who was in the original Rat Pack.

Now the nice thing about the two Rat Packs is that they are pretty well documented, between biographies, autobiographies, and film footage. I don’t know that people will really be looking for biographies of Andrew McCarthy ten years from now, but I could be wrong.

The important thing is, I sensed a trend. Nicknames are assigned, and then the assignation mutates. I waited for the next one, and it came along sometime after the release of Good Will Hunting, with attempts to bring the Frat Pack into usage. It fizzled, if for no other reason than that you need more than two people in a pack. If they had tried to bring in everyone from the cast of School Ties, they probably could have made it work. A more appropriate addition would have been Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson, school buddies who work together, and that it is interesting because when the term Frat Pack was resurrected, Owen Wilson was in it.

This group is also known as the Slacker Pack, and brings in Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, and for some reason Jack Black even though I can’t really see that he has done that much with them. Then again, these packs tend to have loose boundaries.

I have thought about this a lot, and I think one issue is that gossip columnists and entertainment writers are going to have different perceptions than the movie-going public. People may party together more than they work together. Also, two or three people with things in common may draw attention, but it doesn’t really stick together until you have at least four.

Here’s what I think went down with the original Brat Pack. I think someone was seeing this rising generation of actors with Hollywood bloodlines. Nicolas Cage is a Coppola, I am willing to bet that Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen were in it, as sons of Martin Sheen, and there was probably at least one other. Maybe Robert Downey Jr. I’d say Jamie Lee Curtis if she was a little younger. Anyway, it makes sense, it has a nice hook, but Cage is off the beaten track while the other two are making teen movies in this group where not only do the same people keep acting together, but some of them are dating each other. Let’s not forget that your film roles dictate your placement in teen magazines. I don’t think I ever saw a pin-up of Cage in Tiger Beat.

Now we could go back and forth about who belongs in which pack or how to classify the recurring tertiary characters, but do not expect it to become concrete. Just remember that in Hollywood, it really is not what you know, but whom.

That being said, I’d like to make some predictions about future packs.

In 2007, Colin Farrell, Jesse James, and Dennis Rodman form the Tat Pack. Since there are only three of them, they don’t do the same type of work, and it’s a gross thing to celebrate, they are quickly disbanded.

In 2008, a passel of new actors hailing from Riga is christened the Latt Pack. Later on as other South Eastern Europeans break into American Cinema, even Croats and Serbs are referred to as Latt Packers. Since a few of them are every bit as dreamy as Goran Visnjic, people are too distracted to complain.

In 2009, as eating and exercise disorders take their toll, a gossip columnist snickeringly refers to a quartet of anorexic and underdeveloped actresses as the Flat Pack. Derided for his cruelty and sexism, he still escapes with minor injuries compared to what would have happened if he had named a Fat Pack.

In 2010, several actors who aren’t getting parts anyway begin acquiring vineyards and producing wine (because everyone knows there is a shortage of alcohol in Hollywood). They are nick named the Vat Pack.

In 2011, a bunch of big-pimpin’ hip-hop artists form the Phat Pack, riding around in stretch HumVees and buying gold together. Things end on a bloody note when a disagreement on ornamental dentistry turns violent at their Labor Day barbecue.

In 2011, the Farrelly Brothers and the Wayans Brothers address the need for more toilet humor in movies, forming the Scat Pack. Sick at heart, Spork retires to a cave with a DVD player and waits for things to blow over.

Yeah, yeah. Just be glad I decided to stick to one-syllable words ending in “at”. I was also looking at Nougat, Zagat, and Latka packs. (Not the potato pancakes. That would be Jim Carrey, feeling that his career is dead, so hitting the road with a group of Andy Kaufman impersonators.)

Additional reading:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brat_pack
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_Pack
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frat_pack

Down Mexico Way

I’m not being as regular about these updates as I had intended.

First of all, as an aside I have to say that this is a marvelous time for discovery. First they find new and rare species in an area of New Guinea practically untouched by man, then they find the first new un-raided Egyptian tomb since King Tut. That seemed pretty cool all by itself, but suddenly there is a new cave so large that you can fly two helicopters inside of it with more new species in Venezuela, and the largest Macedonian tomb ever gets unearthed shortly after that. Finally, diatomyids are discovered in Laos, a species that was thought to have gone into extinction about 11 million years ago. A lot more could be said on that, but I will only make two points.

One, I hope this is cheering for all the scientists and academics who are seeing their work ignored and insulted for political reasons. They could use the boost.

Secondly, there is so much to see and do that perhaps we should all make a point of exploring more in this large and interesting world. With that, I shall tidily segue into my time in Mexico.

I won’t be doing this in the tips format, though I may throw in some good advice here and there. I am just going to tell you what happened, and the order it happened in.

Let me backtrack to say that when I first started wanting to go to Mexico, it was a dark and gloomy November. The newspaper had a travel insert from American Express featuring Mexico, and there were just some gorgeous photos of wonderful things. I began to think, hey, maybe I could get away for my birthday. Well, I didn’t that year. It goes back to the whole rotten January, need to change my birthday thing. (By the way, I have decided that yes, I will celebrate my birthday this May, and that it will involve karaoke. More details will follow.)

Anyway, I did not get my tropical vacation that year, but I was left with the desire to go, and I knew that my ideal trip would have to involve two things, Xcaret and Mayan ruins.

Xcaret is an ecological park, which is right up my alley anyway, but the part that especially caught my attention was floating down an underground river. That was our first day on shore.

Technically, the port of call was Cozumel. Essentially we parked at sea, and you could take a seven minute tender (that’s what they call the shuttle boats) ride to the island of Cozumel, known as an excellent place for shopping, or you could take a forty minute tender ride to Playa del Carmen on the mainland.

I was very grateful to have picked up prescription sunglasses before the trip. It is really nice to be able to both keep your eyes open and make out shapes more than five feet away. It would not have hurt to have a good wide-brimmed hat. I picked up a little sunburn just on the way over.

We debarked at the end of a pier, and tour guides for the various excursions were waiting for us. Our guide was Caspar, who added “the friendly ghost” every time he introduced himself. There was a short wait for our bus, and while we waited two different men came by selling hats and a guitarist came and started singing Cielito Lindo. I found it charming, and I bought a hat, though the second guy’s hats were better. You can’t always predict that though.

The area where we waited had some really nice hotels, and the beach looked great. In addition to the regular beach chairs, there were mattresses with posts and curtains that looked really inviting, but our bus was there and it was time to go.

One thing we saw in both Playa del Carmen and Progreso was a great amount of hurricane damage. Some places were under repair or already repaired, but there were spots that were just rubble and probably going to remain that way for a while. Caspar told us that when he is heading to Tulum there are places where he just needs to close his eyes because it is so sad.

There was a lot of construction going on in the park itself, and I believe some of this was for repair of storm damage. It made it a little harder to get around, so we did not get to see as much of the park as would have been nice. We decided to do the swim first, and could just not find a place to change without going all the way back to the entrance. In retrospect, I would have gone wearing my swimsuit beneath my clothes.

There are two other things that I would have changed. One is that I had read that you could not have sunscreen in the park, to protect the environment. This is true, but you can wear biodegradable sunscreen, and if you take your regular sunscreen and turn it in at the gate, they will give you sample packets of the biodegradable kind, and then you can pick up your own bottle on the way out. This is the way to go, because buying a new bottle of the eco-friendly kind in the park is expensive.

In addition, I would have worn my Tevas instead of my sneakers, and kept them on in the river. There were areas where I scraped my feet a little. It wasn’t bad but as they would not have impeded my swimming much, the tradeoff for the extra protection would have been okay.

The way it works is that you put all of your stuff into a big back that they lock up, and give you the key. The bags are then sent to the end of the passage, more than a kilometer away. You must wear a life jacket, which does impede the swimming, but then they don’t have to watch you every single minute, so it works out better for everyone.

We had unusually warm weather for that time of year, so stepping into the cool, underground water, and just floating on down was great. The current was not as strong as I expected, so you did have to propel yourself, but we were pretty much taking it easy anyway. This was just as well, as anytime I was attempting faster or more precise movements, I was appalled at how clumsy the life jacket made me. They do make you stop and pose for pictures at a few places, so that was usually when the maneuvering was worst.

Once you get out there is more beach, and it is absolutely gorgeous, but there was not time to enjoy it all. We got to see quail hatchlings, flamingos, macaws, butterflies, pumas, jaguar, and bats, but we missed turtles, manatees, dolphins, bees, deer, and tapirs. Also they have shows and a spa. Given that Playa del Carmen also has access to Tulum, well, it is clear to me that I am just going to have to go back and spend a week there to really get my fill. I can live with that.

For one thing, I need to try the Ah Cacao Chocolate Café. I bough a few bars in the gift shop, and after I tried them I wished I had bought more, but you can only get them in town.

http://www.xcaret.com/

http://www.ahcacao.com/

Now, you may have seen models or toys of traditional Mexican buses with ceramic pigs and vegetables on the top. That was what our tour bus was. On the way there we rode inside, and it was nice, and air-conditioned. On the way back on of our fellow cruisers convinced her mother and us to try riding in the open part on the back. This was a little more adventurous but still fun. We probably did look slightly crazy, but I think the woman riding her bike in the traffic was crazier. Apparently, a lot of the things that we feel really firmly about here, like travel in different directions belonging in different lanes, is more of a guideline there. It may be best to leave driving to the professionals.

We would have liked to spend more time in the town, but needed to make the boat. This was the tender ride of the restless tequila. I spoke with and observed many nice and pleasant people on the ride, but that is probably what stood out the most.

During the night we rounded the Yucatan peninsula, docking in Progreso. No tenders were needed here. You merely walked across a short gangway to a longer dock that led to some more beach and shopping, and of course, tour buses. I must say, I thought it was awesome that there was a mariachi band playing. It is also the first time I have seen pelicans in the wild, and they were all over the harbor.

Our tour guide here was Augusto. We had signed up for Mayan ruins and a Mexican rodeo. We went first to Dzibilchaltun, the place of the writing on the flat rock.

I appreciated that the one of the first things they did when they had us all on the bus was hand out water bottles. There was not a lot of hiking for our particular tour, but still it was a hot day, and people collapsing would have ruined it for everyone.

The main area we explored was a gathering area with stone bleachers set up. Our guide told us that inside it was partitioned into different government offices. The dominant building in the area was a church, built with stones taken from the older, Mayan buildings, but you could see bases and other things. The basis for the settlement was a large pool, or cenote, where they believed the rain god lived. As the Catholics continued to interfere with their religious practices, the village was eventually abandoned. At one point the cenote was used to water cattle, so you could see remnants of the old corral as well.

The most amazing structure was one that we only saw from a distance, the Temple of the Seven Dolls. It was actually an observatory, and is structured so as to receive the light in certain ways during the solstices and each equinox. I believe we were not taken there due to time constraints, but they may also try to limit traffic.

They have a museum there as well, where we spent some time, but we soon needed to return to the bus where we were shuttled over to Rancho Tierra Bonita. Here they had set up a nice Mexican buffet lunch for us, to be followed by singing, dancing, and the rodeo.

Rodeo may have been too strong a word. They primarily demonstrated rope tricks and heeling, although that was pretty cool. Nonetheless, I have been given to understand that a real Mexican rodeo is a lot more competitive, dangerous, and intoxicated.

There were also tables set up with various local wares. I bought a tablecloth at the named price, and as the woman took my money to make change, she crossed herself. My first thought was that she was grateful for the sale, but then in my mind I wondered if she was merely grateful for the sucker. I had not bargained at all. So on my next purchase, a toy involving pecking chickens on a paddle, I did bargain and then I felt guilty that I might have been too harsh. Also, I then dropped it, and one of the chickens is kind of broken. I don’t think I am cut out for bargaining.

This time when we got back to the dock, we actually had some time, so we wandered through the shops set there expressly to capitalize on the cruise ship tourists. I bought some Dooney & Bourke stuff, mainly to irritate Little Sister Sporks, but they are so sure the stuff is counterfeit that it didn’t work. It is still not a bad price, but not really my style. You should never shop for spite.

I would not have minded more time at the ruins, but I do not feel the same compulsion to return to Progreso that I do for Playa del Carmen. For now, I still have my memories. (I still have my tan lines too, but that can't last.)

One final fun tidbit: after encountering many iguanas in both spots, running across paths and darting up trees, I now thing of them as Mexican squirrels. In that heat, they are lucky to not have the fur.

Hasta la vista!

Cruise Ship Travel Tips

Before I begin, let me say that there are more variables on this topic than there would be with DC Travel Tips. Being on a different cruise line, a different ship, or going to different destinations can make a big difference. My cruise was on the Carnival Elation, leaving from Galveston with stops in Cozumel and Progreso. Your mileage may vary. Also, I would like to mention that it was fabulous, and not just because I love boats.

1. Collect small bills in advance

There are two reasons for this. One is for tipping. In our case, the ship allotted fifty dollars for gratuities, with a breakdown of what went to whom, and if you purchased a fountain card there was a gratuity added on for the bartenders. However, the amounts are fairly low, and you may want to augment that. I certainly did, as we received excellent service. However, you do not accumulate change on the ship because you are signing for everything, and you may be able to get change at the information desk, but otherwise your choice is to either not tip or tip more than intended. Just plan ahead.

In addition, at least in Mexico it is common to bargain, and a lot of the items you are bargaining for are pretty cheap. So, imagine bargaining someone down to two dollars and then needing change for a twenty, which they may not have. It’s just silly. Anyway, having ones and fives gives you some more flexibility that is nice to have.

As a side note, on shore excursions I recommend cash over charge anyway, as you don’t have to worry about fluctuating exchange rates, and you may get a better deal by having cash in hand.

2. Eat in the dining room as often as possible

We had dinner there every night, but we did not realize what we were missing in terms of lunches and dinners there until very late in the cruise. Room service is convenient, and there is always food being served somewhere, but the best quality food is definitely in the dining rooms. Plus, for breakfast and lunch it is open seating, so you get to meet additional people. And don’t leave the dining room early, because they sing and dance for you.

3. Attend the informational talks

We attended one at the beginning of the cruise and a disembarkation talk, but there were also shopping talks and shore excursion information, all of which can prove very helpful. Another nice part of that is that most of them were given by our cruise director, Jorge, who was great. Honestly, he was funnier than the ship’s comedian.

4. Entertainment may be cheesy

But don’t let that stop you! The first night there was a show where you got to watch the singers, the dancers, and the comedian. The singers and dancers tend to work together, and while they were performing my first thought was, so this is what happens to people who leave high school with nothing but cheerleading skills. Except, they were pretty much all Australian, English, and Canadian, so I don’t know if they would even have been cheerleaders.

Anyway, that shouldn’t hold you back. I admit that we did not go to the two Vegas style shows (which would be just the singers and dancers), but we did go to Pure Country (which was them plus a pretty good fiddler) and the guest talent show (which had Jorge doing a lot of filler because they only had five acts).

Bear in mind, the shows are not your only entertainment. There were musical acts on the Lido Deck in afternoons, by the Drama Bar in the evenings, and there was karaoke every night.

5. Decide whether or not you want a Fountain Card early

Meals are included in the cruise price, along with water, juice, milk, and hot beverages. Alcohol is extra, of course, but so are soft drinks. With the Fountain Card you can pay a flat fee and take it to any bar at any time and get soda. It was about $27.00 for five days, with sodas otherwise costing $2.00 each. Whether you should get it or not depends on how much of a pop drinker you are, but if you are going to want it, decide early so you can get full value for it.

6. You’re probably better off with the early dinner seating

There were two dining rooms, each one with two seatings. We took the 8:00 PM seating because we thought on the days we had shore excursions we could come back a little later, and shower if needed, and still make dinner. What we did not realize is that you pretty much always needed to be back on the ship by 4 or 4:30, so making the 6:00 seating is not much of a stretch. Being done earlier would have been better for some things, including the midnight buffets. We did not even go to the fancy Grand Royale midnight buffet because we had just eaten prime rib three hours earlier. Karaoke starts at 8:30. Yes, you can arrive late, but without having a chance to fully gauge the room I was not going to get up there, so yeah, eat at 6.

7. Sign up for shore excursions and spa packages early

They go fast! That being said, I would not sign up for either before getting on the ship. We had several itinerary changes before boarding, and one that I wanted to do did not appear to be available on the web site, but we were able to sign up for it on the ship. By the way, massages are heavenly!

8. Don’t expect cell phone reception

Maybe you wouldn’t anyway. I was not counting on reception, but my signal went off about an hour outside of port and did not come back on until we got back to Galveston. Even on shore I had no reception.

9. Don’t be an idiot

The low point of our cruise was probably on the tender back from Playa Del Carmen. As the boat was almost full, with the only empty seating being right in front of us, a woman helped her young adult daughter stagger on board. My first thought was that I hoped they would not sit in front of us, but of course they did. My next thought was that I hoped she would not throw up.

It didn’t happen right away, but when it started it went on forever. If you don’t know how well you can hold your tequila, assume the answer is not very. It’s a powerful drink, and apparently even more so on a hot day. It wasn’t just that she was inconsiderate to everyone on the boat; she was incredibly inconsiderate to her mother. Her mother was the one who had to wrangle the breasts back into the shirt, guide the drunk, find misplaced shoes and scrunchies, and then deal with the vomiting, and she was the only one of the pair who was conscious of the embarrassing nature of the incident at the time.

10. Don’t be a jerk

I was amazed at the capacity of some people to complain and to be rude to service people. There weren’t even that many occurrences, but come on, you are on a cruise! Don’t you feel lucky? I know, you paid for it, but there was a time when it would have been a lot more expensive, or poor people would be put in steerage. Now as far as I can tell the only thing paying more money gets you is a bigger cabin. You get the same food and the same service and the same pampering. Don’t start yelling at someone who asks who you are doing that the lines are poorly managed because one is moving faster than the other.

Granted, with my customer service background, I am extra sensitive to abuse of the working class (that also forms a big part of my views on tipping), but ultimately, there is a limit to how responsible anyone else can be for your good time. Attitude, baby.

Next stop, Mexico!

Houston, we have a spork!

I am finally back from vacation, and a wonderful vacation it was. I wish the effects could have been longer lasting. I got back late Thursday night, tired but tanned and relaxed. Sunday at church people were telling me that I was glowing and radiant, and I was confident that it was true because I felt radiant. Now, after three days back at work, my back hurts and I’m a different kind of tired and I hate people. So, I’m quickly getting back to my normal state of haggard old wreck, and doing it just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Actually, as the only single person on the team, I will be working late that night so my compatriots can woo their wives. I think I’m going to be needing some Scharffen Berger. I’m normally just fine with Hershey’s, but these are desperate times.

Anyway, we should review the vacation while I can still remember it. Our original plan had been to leave from New Orleans, with stops in Cozumel and Costa Maya. Then Hurricane Katrina came. Not only was the port flooded, but the ship was dedicated to housing for displaced persons. It was disappointing, but since we were not the ones who lost our homes and livelihoods, it would have been in poor taste to complain.

We rescheduled for a similar cruise departing out of Galveston. A few days after we did this Hurricane Rita popped up. Fortunately, the damage was minimal. If we had needed to reschedule again, I would have felt like any port we chose was being doomed to a hurricane, and it would have been hard to make a choice.

Galveston does not have a major airport, so you need to fly into Houston. Flights between Houston and Portland have some odd scheduling going on, and it just seemed too risky to try and leave on the same day we would be boarding the ship. Fine, we would leave a little early and spend some time in Houston. We had planned to spend some time in New Orleans. We instinctively felt that Houston would not be as interesting, but we had no idea how right we were.

Houston is in Texas, but is not of Texas. We began to suspect it while we were there, but we were also able to talk to people from all over Texas while on the ship, and they confirmed it. Houston is the opposite of the rest of the state. Two thirds of the city population did not originate in Texas. So it began to make sense to us why we had not heard any drawls or seen any cowboy gear outside of the souvenir shops.

I’m not sure that this was entirely a bad thing. Texas is not my favorite state. Still, if you’re there, you kind of want to get the experience. As far as I can tell, the Houston experience is driving your BMW to a business meeting, then buying something really expensive at the mall. We would ask people what we should see, and people kept saying the mall.

Don’t get me wrong; the Galleria is pretty impressive. We just kept walking and walking and we still did not see all of it. It was not as fun as a mall could be though, because so many of the shops were a bit upscale for us. Yes, there was Pac-Sun and Claire’s and Hot Topic, but there was also Fendi, Armani, Vuitton, Dolce & Gabbana, Burberry, Kate Spade, and lots of other places that I am not cool enough to appreciate. That was where we spent our first day. We bought some souvenirs, and got pedicures. It was my first time. It was okay, but my feet were kind of tender afterwards, and I think I may be meant to be calloused.

The Galleria has an ice rink, somewhat like Lloyd Center, and we thought there should be a cinema or two, but we could not find any proof. One person we asked suggested that putting in a theater might make things too urban. We finally got on the PC in the motel lobby, and used the nearby businesses feature on Yahoo! Maps to find a theater and show times. That was how we spent day number two.

There are some things that can vary a lot by region, and movie theaters are on my list of things to try. In DC Tara and I had seen Beauty Shop, so I really thought we should see another Queen Latifah movie. We got tickets for Last Holiday and The New World.

I really enjoyed Last Holiday. It was cute and touching and there were some really funny parts, and the casting was generally good.

The New World had a wonderful cast, and there was indeed some beautiful cinematography, but it was soooo slooooow. I know, Terrence Malick is an artist, but that’s no excuse. No one makes more beautifully shot pictures than Zhang Yimou, but it is not at the expense of telling a compelling story. With all the voiceovers and long (pretty) shots of nothing happening, The New World was rather like a long Obsession commercial. At least it was in (muted) color.

We had also wanted to get a feel for local food. I had thought eating Mexican one day and barbecue another would make sense, but we had a hard time finding anything. On the way back from the theater, we thought we could at least find the barbecue place. The first one we passed was closed, and the second one was kind of a dive. That can be okay, but the smell of smoke was overpowering (which was weird because I noticed that at the same time I noticed the No Smoking sign). Long story short, we ate Chinese food our last night in Texas.

We did have fun that night anyway. Our night clerk at the motel was the one person who had made a recommendation for something to see in Houston; he told us to go to church. I thought he was just seeing the heathen inside us, but actually Lakewood Church is known for being very large. Anyway, we had visited with him a few times, and he asked if we wanted to meet someone. Was this a setup? No, his girlfriend had come by, so we started chatting with her and stayed in the lobby for about three hours, chatting up Virgie while Patrick kept an eye on the ball game. So, shout out to Patrick and Virgie at the Fairfield Inn.

Lakewood being large, and the Galleria being large, does fit in with at least one aspect of Texas, and we passed several other large things. I saw a huge cemetery, an enormous liquor store (Fiesta liquor, which had several smaller locations as well). On the way to Galveston we passed two Wal-Marts (big savings) and the Halliburton campus (big crooks). We did not see any armadillos. I was told they are all over the place, but it sounds like they are similar to raccoons out here, and we usually only see them when they did not make it across the street, so perhaps that was for the best.

I will treat the cruise later, but I will mention that we had to wait a long time in the George Bush airport, and PDX is way better in terms of options for passing the time and for security. No one asked us about our bags or even really looked at our Ids, but there was a recording they kept playing that joking about security could get you arrested, so I just kept my head down. I could throw in a Bush joke or two here, but it’s too easy. It is HW, not W; we saw the statue.

I will go over the cruise later, but for a parting thought, the fact that no one could really provide a key destination in Houston made us think about Oregon, and Portland specifically. What is must-see here? We thought of things like Mount Hood and Multnomah Falls, and they have their points. In fact, one of the great things about Oregon is that you are only a short drive away from any type of environment: mountain, desert, river, or beach. Still, that takes quite a bit of driving to discover, and gets a little complex. You could make some votes for Saturday Market, but I think the real heart of Portland is Powells Books. Labor disputes aside, Portland is a city that reads. One of the memorable moments for David McCullough when visiting here was being recognized by his waiter. Was the waiter a student? No just a waiter, but a waiter who read big fat history books and could recognize their author. I have nothing against Barnes and Noble, but Powells is locally owned and operated, and very much a part of the town. Even the Mormon Tabernacle Choir went there when they came to town (yes, they had a long bus ride coming up, but it would have been a good idea anyway). So Powells has my pick, but your ideas are welcome.

Spork Cinema: The Early Years

I am truly off schedule this week, but it is partially intentional. Since last week's entry went up a day late, and since I will not be posting this week while away on vacation, posting this entry later seemed to balance things out a bit.

Part of my problem is that I wanted to make this entry about the building of my new PC, but I need to get some good photos for that to be fully appreciated. Mostly, though, I am really busy and tired, and I'd like to address that for a moment, because it has been weighing on my mind.

I just had a birthday, and normally when that comes around, I like to plan a few well-chosen activities and really celebrate to the hilt. I won't say that I draw it out into a week of festivities, but there should at least be three or four days with things happening. I haven't really had a satisfying birthday since I started my current position, despite wonderful friends and family doing their best.

The first year I started in January, and I was busy interviewing, hiring, training, and doing everything to make sure that we could successfully make our launch date, despite the fact that the office was also moving. Fine, there was no way I was going to have spare time there, or have that time period not be stressful. I can accept that.

The second year, we were completely backordered on some very popular items, their slip in manufacturing schedule having been exacerbated by an earthquake in Taiwan. We got so many phone calls there was no time to answer email. In fact, we did not get email completely caught up until February. Again, that was clearly an anomaly. That was the year that the American Express flyer came advertising travel to Mexico. My exhausted, dispirited self longed for those sunny beaches, a dream I am finally on the verge of realizing.

Anyway, the next three years have all just been really busy, but without any identifiable crisis. Yes, I am going on vacation in two days, and I took some time off last year (without going anywhere), but there is so much work to do before going, and so much potential backlog to be accumulated while gone, that it puts a bit of a damper on the joy. And I can't tell myself that this year is an anomaly anymore; this is just the way January is going to be.

So I'm thinking of moving my birthday. I might go for May 17th. May would be the first month with no sibling birthdays, and I could keep the day the same. I wouldn't do it this year, as I have already celebrated, and this vacation is part of it, but yeah, maybe next year.

Maybe I just need to throw a party again. The last one I threw was the Great Irish Potato Feast, and couples who were together then have broken up, met and married other people, and had children. It's been awhile, is all I'm saying.

Anyway, enough on that. One goal for this blog is to document my movie making aspirations, from now with an incomplete script to finished product, bringing you irregular updates. I thought it could be helpful to have some background before we start.

I doubt many of you know this, but I made two animated shorts in elementary school. No, I wasn't that much of a prodigy, or that ambitious. It was mostly luck.

The first one happened in fourth grade, as a project we did in the Talented and Gifted Program. That was my first year in it, and maybe the first year the district even had such a thing. In fifth and sixth grade they combined several schools and it was much more organized, but the first year they just took a handful of us over to the junior high a few hours a week, and we tried different things.

When starting the film unit we watched some Vinton Studios films, and most of us ended up using clay figures as our subjects. Claymation* is a trademarked term, so that's not what we were doing. I made a little man, some trees, a bear, and a picnic basket. Basically, the bear came, stole the food, killed the man, and squished him up. I had never seen a Mr. Bill segment, but I guess it was something like that. I think Yogi may have been more of an influence, if he was more competent and sadistic.

My friend Jennie was probably the most original in the bunch. She animated a fireworks display, starting with construction paper rockets going up, then marker on transparency film for the fireworks themselves. If I recall, she used a Sousa march for soundtrack that really worked well (I had a hard time finding appropriate music for mine). There was an issue with the pen not showing up well on the dark blue background representing the sky, but it was still pretty innovative, and probably an influence on my second feature.

The second one came because I was in Ms. Steele's class for sixth grade, and that was something she did every year. I was basically solo on "The Picnic", but in this class we worked in groups, so "The Garden Tragedy" was more of a collaborative effort.

I think we had five groups, but I only remember two others. They showed us short films before we started again, including one called "Toolbox Ballet" that had stop-motion animation of tool dancing around. One group did a highly derivative "Schoolbox Ballet".

Another group, whom I suppose you could refer to as the popular girls, had a bunch of Barbie* dolls going to a concert. I seem to recall it as being pretty dumb, but I could be wrong. It was a long time ago.

Our effort was to tell the tale of some hard luck vegetables-- tomatoes, corn, you know the type-- who had to suffer the predations of crows, farm neglect, and finally the construction of a road where the exhaust killed those who were left. We used construction paper figures and sets. The best sequence was probably when the crow swooped in and stole the corn, but the exhaust was pretty well executed. The themes were helplessness against fate, and abandonment by society. I think it was too colorful to be described as Bergmanesque though, and no one played chess.

So, you might be thinking now, based on her oeuvre, this spork is one pretty twisted individual. Well, maybe, but not because of that. The garden issue may have come from the increasing truck traffic past a blueberry field that is close to my heart, but I can't vouch for it.

No, I think somehow the format of short fiction encourages twisted plots. It is more commonly known that my favorite authors are Jane Austen and L.M. Montgomery. Their novels are generally pretty positive, and the main characters end up happily, but they each have a few short stories that would surprise you. Maybe you just don't get as emotionally invested in the short form, so it's okay for bad things to happen.

Anyway, I think there's a limit to how much you can analyze the artist by the art. According to most sources he had a pretty tranquil domestic life, but his books are full of people whose fatal flaws lead them to die miserable and lone, no matter how hard they tried to make things right. The counterarguments to that would be Woody Allen (whose films seem to be very biographical) and Quentin Tarantino (who probably really is a scary freak as opposed to just seeming like one). But the opposites may just go to prove the rule. Therefore, those who know me expect me to be working on a comedy, but the project is actually a downbeat but ultimately life affirming film about vampires.

But there is a funny scene in it!

In sporkness and health

Sorry this is late. I have about three major reports to write for work, and in my personal life we keep throwing bridal showers.

First of all, allow me to answer a question from last week. You can find Brevity at www.comics.com. I was able to find a copy I had saved of the hippo picture, which I am including here:



Now, on to the promised expose! Warning, there are parts that some people may find gross.

In general I am a pretty tough cookie, but I do have a weakness. If you have seen Disney’s version of The Sword in the Stone, you may remember Merlin defeating Mad Madame Mim by becoming a microbe and getting her sick. My story might begin with a tiny speck of dirty metal.

We don’t know that this is the actual cause, but it seems like a good guess because every time the infection flares up it centers around the scar. Basically, I was taking down a dilapidated above-ground pool and deck. You know, just because something looks like it could fall down at any moment does not mean that it actually will when you want it to. And don’t get too impressed with me. Taking things down is a lot easier than putting them up. I am good grunt labor, but if it requires any know-how or finesse, I’m not your girl. Maybe that’s why I got injured.

Basically, when I was working one of the girders out I jerked too hard and it ricocheted back, cutting my leg slightly. I did not see any rust, but I got a tetanus booster anyway and figured I was good until a few years later I suddenly became ill and ended up in the hospital for four days.

The cause was a condition called cellulitis. I know, it sounds like cellulite, but it is not directly related to cottage cheese thighs. Instead, it is an infection of the skin cells, where the flare up. So while I felt like I had the flu, what differentiated from that is that from ankle to knee my right leg was swollen, burning to the touch, and bright red. Also, it hurt really badly.

It often starts with a spider bite, cut, or burn that lets the infection in. It can be treated fairly easily with antibiotics geared towards skin conditions. There are two problems. One is that, at least in my case, the leg was left scarred, so I have this blotchy red patch on my leg. This is one reason I don’t go barelegged. The others are that I don’t think my legs are very shapely and I don’t shave very much (actually, the not shaving is as much a result of the covered legs as a cause).

The second problem is that it tends to never really go away, and just lie dormant until your immune system dips low enough for it to take over again. This is what happened on the last day of my vacation.

I woke up fairly early and felt fine. I packed up everything except for what I would need that day and the next morning, showered and dressed, and (feeling really ahead of the game), sat down to read for a bit. I was feeling cold, though, despite putting on my coat and wrapping up in a blanket. My teeth started chattering.

It’s not just that it wasn’t a cold day. It is also that I do not get cold very easily. It was a joke between us because Tara was always getting cold and I would give her my coat, which she would put on over her own coat, and I would be fine. It didn’t seem like a good sign.

I started to get a little better, but then was overtaken with extreme drowsiness. Unfortunately, this hit right as we got to church. I could focus for a moment here and there to do what I needed to do, but I kept dropping off. It was embarrassing but also completely out of my power. You can kind of get away with sleeping through sacrament meeting, but not in Sunday School, so I was going to see if I could find a cry room with a couch or something, until our hero, Brian appeared, and offered us a ride back to his place.

Finally I could sleep, which was really the only thing I was capable of right then. I did manage to wake up and stay coherent through dinner, but it was so much effort and everything tasted really bland. I probably could have slept more. My main concern was holding it together until we got home, so I could go to my doctor and be at home. On Sundays the only option is an emergency room, and I just knew I would end up checked in and missing my flight, with out of network hospital charges followed by the cost of a new plane ticket. Nope, I just wasn’t going there.

Still, it can be hard navigating airports in a feverish haze. The worst moment was when my boarding pass disappeared. They issued a new one, but later on when I was unpacking I found both together. I have no idea how that happened.

I don’t think we can ever consider the death of a human being, especially a good one, fortunate, but it did sort of work out well that while I was gone a family friend died, and my family had all arranged time off for the funeral Monday, the day I came home. This left Little Sister M available to take me to the doctor.

I was able to go over my issues pretty well with her, but somehow the minute I got back into the car, all capability deserted me again. Perhaps it was the lack of food or sleep or that I had just used up everything I had. She asked what the doctor said, and the answer was that I had some prescriptions I needed to fill and then come back tomorrow to see that the injection already administered was working. I knew that, but all I could say was "Scrip...scrip...scrip." It just didn't sound right, and so I couldn't finish. Well of course it didn't sound right; I was leaving off the first syllable, but I couldn't figure out how to fix it. She just shook her head and started driving.

At home I pretty much just threw myself face down on the bed and kept sleeping for three-hour intervals. I would then wake up, look at the clock (that's how I know they were three-hour intervals), and go back to sleep. At one point I handed off my prescriptions so they could be filled.

The next day I was supposed to return to work, but was not really up to it, so I called in. I thought I was sounding lucid again, but when I returned to work on Thursday, well, my manager was surprised to find out that I had ever been less lucid than when I spoke to him on Tuesday.

The recovery went okay. Monday and Tuesday I slept a lot, Wednesday I slept and watched television, and Thursday, even though my world was still moving in slow motion, almost like being underwater (when everyone else is above water), I got a lot of work done.

It's a bad thing, actually. As I worked away in diminished capacity but still outperforming many other, strange feelings of grandeur and euphoria came and went. This would have been a bad time for someone to approach me with plans for taking over the world, because I probably would have said yes and that would have led to awkwardness when I came to my senses.

After that I was fairly normal. There were a few days of only doing work and sleep, because there was no energy left after the work, but eventually your strength comes back until the next round.

That occurred about a month ago. This time I started feeling very cold and achy on the way to church, and it just kept getting worse. Again, it was a Sunday night, and I had the early shift the next day so all I wanted to do was sleep and then go to the doctor tomorrow, but my family kept bugging me. They laugh about it now, but Mama Spork was really panicked when she was saying we should go to the doctor and I told her I was focusing on my education. I think I was shooting for recuperation, but I just couldn't get it out.

I knew what the message I wanted to deliver was: "Please shut up and leave me alone so I can sleep!" Maybe I should develop a gesture. The one that comes to mind is already taken, and it's so out of character for me that it would only make matters worse. I wonder if I would be able to write or type, but when staying awake is torture, it's hard to feel motivated to experiment. I'm not going to go over to the computer, and if I tried asking for pen and paper I would probably just scare them worse by asking for a tractor or sock or something.

That's the whole problem really. I am aware and comprehending of what is going on, I just can't prove it. It's not delirium, it's febrile aphasia. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Despite this, I was able to arise early, get to work, and be completely functional there, leaving at noon to go to the doctor. Once there, I was discovered to have a fever of 104. Back to the old regime, but with a much faster recovery time. Those direct injections really work.

The most interesting thing last time around is that I started thinking about how the onsets have been so different, with many milder outbreaks consisting of me just feeling tired and my leg going somewhat red. I believe the first day is just some other disease starting, and then the cellulitis acting up. So maybe the mild outbreaks were starting with colds, and the worse ones with flu. If that is the case, I should basically try to never get sick. You would think I'd be more consistent about taking my vitamins, but I just forget. And I can't resist helping out sick people when they ask. At least I wash my hands a lot.

My real concern is that, on that first day, I appear so sick that medical staff might overreact. The fever would probably be enough to keep them from automatically sending me to the psych ward, but you never know.

So here's the nutshell: If we are together and I start shivering (out of proportion to the current temperature) and saying strange things (that don't appear to be jokes)...

Taking my temperature: Good
Taking my blood sugar (to rule out hypoglycemia): Good

Asking me questions: Bad
Taking me to emergency room: Bad

If you can take me to my doctor, okay. Otherwise, please let me sleep.

VH1: Behind the Spork

As promised, here is the story of how your weekly sporkful came to be.

I hinted in the 2005 Christmas letter that it started with the response to my 2004 Christmas letter. There were some requests that I would start a blog because it might be fun to read about me more than once a year. These requests were repeated several times.

I liked the idea. I enjoy writing, I have plenty of opinions, and it would probably be good for me to have the discipline of regularly scheduled output. And, I know that no matter how much I care about some people and enjoy their company, keeping track of everyone is hard, and something like this can help. It is amazing to me how time can pass without diminishing a relationship. When the reunion comes, you are just as happy to see the person and feel just as close, unless they dropped you like a hot potato because they finally got a boyfriend and completely forgot your birthday at a time when you were really vulnerable. I mean, if that ever happened.

There were also some concerns about blogging, the first one being my fear of becoming an insufferable twit. I have an acquaintance that sends out regular email updates about her life. She is self-absorbed in person, so it was not a total surprise, but she comes off as really annoying and I don’t think it is good to share some of the things that she shares. Since this will be a blog, where people can choose to visit instead of just being sent updates, that should help. I will just have to hope that I don’t suck.

There were also logistical concerns. I had a domain with my name, but I had never put anything up on it. That would have been a reasonable place to put it, yet I knew that at some point I would probably want to grouse about people I work with, or work itself, and people get fired for that nowadays. I decided that maintaining some anonymity would be best. It’s not that you can’t know who I am or forward things to other people. I would really like the more practical ones like DC Travel Tips to reach people. But if I ever call anyone a stupidhead I want to maintain plausible deniability.

The last issue was basically a procrastination one, which, I have to say, has affected pretty much every aspect of my life at some point. Months rolled by, until I finally decided to introduce it in my Christmas card, and then I needed to put off sending cards because I hadn’t done the blog yet.

I finally set up my account and created my first post the Tuesday before Christmas, around midnight. I knew pretty well what I wanted to say, but not whom I wanted to be. Yes, I am a fairly creative person, but I am horrible at creating titles. Of the projects that I currently have open, the documents are titled things like “screenplay”, “novella”, and “ghost story”. When I have created usernames in the past they have usually involved some combination of my names and initials and maybe my birth date if numbers were required.

I have never picked up many nicknames, either, so could not draw upon that. Usually when people want to embellish, they add “Miss” to my first name, or put my middle name after.

My first try was Easy Reader because I have been thinking a lot about Morgan Freeman lately, and I hope that the reading will be easy, but that was not available.

There is a comic strip I like, “Brevity”, that is fairly new. When it was being introduced, there were a couple of banner ads rotating on comics.com. The first, and most adorable, was four gorged, multi-colored hippos lying around, with one saying, “You know, I’m not even that hungry but when I see those marbles I just lose it.” The second was a picture of a spork and the word, sporktastic. Sporktastic was available.

So that is my new identity. Your username does not automatically become the subdomain, so that ended up being sporkful, like your sporkful of news, and then I can just be spork as well. It is appropriate because both sporks themselves and adding –tastic to words other than fan is inherently funny. Also, did I mention it was midnight?

Anyway, as spork, whether I am dishing out frothy fluff or meatier items, you have, well, pretty much a useless eating device. I mean, really, you can’t pierce anything with those short plastic tines, yet their presence there gives an escape route to any liquids for which you would use a spoon, making them only appropriate for KFC mashed potatoes. But it’s fun to say, so I’m keeping it. Also, I like mashed potatoes.

Family members were referred to by code names last week. Mama Spork and Big Sister Spork work for me. I can probably shorten Big Brother Spork to just Brother Spork, because he’s the only one. Sister in Law Spork is not great, because I feel that it emphasizes her relationship through my brother, when I have my own relationship with her. I may just use Spork in Law. Little Sister J and Little Sister M are again, a bit on the long side, even without putting in a spork. I toyed with Spark and Sperk or Spirk or something like that, but they don’t feel right. The Sporkfather will probably not get mentioned much.

I think it would be too complicated to nickname friends and pets, so they will just go by their own names, unless something seems to identifiable. I am totally not one to kiss and tell, but if I start dating someone seriously, they will probably come up sometimes. When the need arises I will choose a descriptive nickname, like Cute Cafeteria Guy, Mr. Intimacy Issues, or Gerard.

Now, I know that no biography special would be complete without a story about drug use, so here’s mine.

When I was going to have my wisdom teeth extracted, the oral surgeon prescribed a valium to take before I went in. I could feel myself losing control on the way over. I made a joke and could not stop laughing at it, even though I knew it wasn’t that funny.

I would like to take a moment to point out that they give you the valium so that you are kind of out of it when they stick a giant needle into your jaw. Despite this, and the numbing substance that they apply to the area, I still totally felt it and it really hurt.

Anyway, I was out of it for the rest of the day. Sadly, this was the day that my coworkers confronted our contracting company about the fact that they were cheating us and we knew it, and I couldn’t be there for them. I was loopy and I had big wads of cotton in my mouth. You just can’t live that way. Maybe if you are really rich and you have someone to do math for you and stand you upright when necessary, but it’s important for me to be present for people. I threw away the empty bottle, and never took Valium again. I’ve never told that to anyone before. It feels good to get it off my chest.

Actually, I did take a two-week course of Ambien a few months ago to regulate my sleep patterns. I did not find it at all habit forming or dependency inducing, so I wouldn’t mention it, but the word is that’s what Colin Farrell is currently in rehab for. I’m kind of assuming he was taking it for longer or at a higher dosage or mixing it with other things. I would sometimes get the effect of a mild hallucinogen, but it’s really mild and then you fall asleep so it’s not really an effective trip.

But wait, you say, tell us more about this mild hallucinogen thing!

Well, it can take up to an hour to kick in, so taking it and then hopping right into bed can be kind of pointless, but you wouldn’t want to start anything that takes close attention. I would usually be on the computer, surfing the internet, playing games, or reading documents. If I stayed on too long, I don’t know if it was that my eyes started to lose focus or my brain started to enter the dream state, but things would go kind of 3-D. The jewels in Jewel Quest would project out a bit and shimmy, and Word documents would sort of warp. Imagine that you typed on shrinky dink material, then cut it into irregular pieces and baked it. It was something like that.

Okay, my drug stories are pretty boring, but I think we can agree that my anti-drug policy is for the best. Can you imagine me on Angel Dust?

But just because I’ve never been in rehab does not mean that I have never had health issues or been hospitalized or severely incapacitated. We will cover that next week in the sequel to DC Travel Tips: My Last Day in DC.

A Sporkful Family Christmas

As a way to save money, for the past few years my siblings and I have both drawn names and imposed a cash limit for Christmas gifts. It worked okay for a while, but we seemed to keep drawing the same names over and over again. This has been largely blamed on the persistent failure of my sisters and I to get married and bring new blood into the family. Add in the fact that many of us are difficult to shop for, and gift giving had become kind of a drag. Also, when we first started drawing names, Mama Spork could not bear to not give everyone something, so although she was receiving presents from six, she was also buying for six and could not really afford to do so.

Always the innovator, I suggested that instead of gifts we could use that budget to finance some sort of family trip or activity, and just have the time together instead. Our two present-loving, and therefore easier to shop for, Sporks, had some doubts, but after all, birthdays start coming around really fast with the New Year (all seven birthday, plus an anniversary, fall between January 1st and April 3rd), so presents would not really be deferred all that long.

Well, getting everyone to agree that an activity would be nice in no way makes finding an activity easy. Big Brother Spork is working full time and in school, which basically left us one weekend to work with. There was a Symphony program that could have worked then, but it was a little outside of budget, and he was concerned he would fall asleep. We finally decided on dinner at Stanfords and an ornament exchange, and only needed to reschedule once. But that reschedule was on the same day as the ballet and another Christmas party.

You see, the Pacific Northwest has an abundance of holiday ballet available. OBT has their Nutcracker, of course, but there are also recommended shows in Seattle (which has sets by Maurice Sendak) and Eugene (my old stomping grounds). In addition, there is a community version performed by Pacific Festival Ballet (featuring 100 local performers) and Pacific Artists Ballet Theater does La Boutique Fantasque (which is a totally different show). They all have their attractions.

I had already seen both the regular Nutcracker and their spoof, The Nut Has Finally Cracked, under former OBT director James Canfield. When I first read the article about all of the different regional offerings, it was after Christopher Stowell came into OBT and they changed the version, and I decided I wanted to see them all.

Last year, my younger sisters and I went to see the new OBT one. With the old version, there would often be reviews exclaiming over how beautiful the set was, with the design being inspired by a Faberge egg. I thought it was pretty, but did not get what the big deal was until I saw how cheap the current sets look. I liked the old one better. (For anyone who is wondering though, the spoof was pretty vulgar and stupid. Good satire is hard to do, I know, and there would be a limit to how much time you could put into it, but realize that you don’t have the resources to make it worthwhile and then don’t do it!)

Anyway, when I checked to see if anyone was interested in going to see one of the remaining options, Mama Spork and younger Sporks decided to come along to La Boutique Fantasque.

I am sure that one reason for the seasonal popularity of the Nutcracker (besides it being set at Christmas) is that instead of a few principal parts and a big chorus, there are lots of small solos and group numbers, so it is a good chance for students to stretch their wings. La Boutique Fantasque is the same, except instead of the small parts being food and drink (coffee, tea, candy canes) they are toys (cards, can can dolls, poodles).

The performance was okay. Yes, you do see some difference in quality between a professional performance and a student performance, but they did okay. Getting there was horribly stressful because the traffic was so bad. Only one back road remembered at the right moment allowed us to arrive just before show time. The performance was at PCC Sylvania campus, and there was exposure there to an icy cold wind that I’m glad does not usually make it to this part of town.

We thought we would have to go straight to Stanfords after the ballet, but it ended sooner than expected, leaving us with not enough time to go home, but too much time to go there. This led to the first stop in our great snowflake hunt.

We are throwing a couple of bridal showers in January. One of my sisters spotted a Palmer Double Crisp Snowflake that would make a perfect favor for the first one. When we decided to buy them, though, they were starting to sell out and we needed twenty. I think we went to five different Rite-Aids and two Dollar Trees that day. One more Rite-Aid was hit on a different day, but we got them.

Finally, we were able to go over and meet Big Brother, Sister In Law, and Big Sister Spork. Dinner was okay. I’m not a big fan of beef or fish, and that rules out a lot on their menu. In general though, the idea of a dinner worked and the ornament exchange was fun. I’m not sure if we will do it again next year. Maybe we will rent a beach house, or go back to drawing names. We usually draw names in September, so if there is a flurry of weddings between now and then, who knows? The other party, we had to skip. We had already celebrated plenty, and there were snowflakes to find.

Our next big Christmas event came on the 23rd. It’s been a rough year pet-wise. We started with four greyhounds, but they were all close in age, and getting older, so we knew there was the possibility of hard times ahead. This summer Fozzie and Jenny were both diagnosed with kidney disease. We tried to stretch things out with water packs, but ultimately we had to say good-bye to Fozzie in October and we lost Jenny a few weeks ago.

The primary loss is of the individual dogs with their particular quirks, but you notice the difference in quantity too. And for the remaining dogs, Forest and Angel, they just seemed more nervous and depressed. They’d been running in the same pack for a long time, and they felt the loss too. On the 23rd, we got to bring home Suzy, a three-year old little girl (greyhound). She’s a bit of a princess, but we can live with that. In addition, we have been dog sitting, and had two guests on Christmas day, so the house finally felt full again. The last guest goes home today, so it will just be our three (plus one grouchy cat). I think we will need to find a nice big boy in the next few months, but we will give Suzy some time to settle first.

Saturday, Christmas Eve, younger Sporks and I wanted to get in more culture while we still could, so we took in the Hesse exhibit at the Portland Art Museum. We then grabbed lunch and dashed over to the CameraWork Gallery to see the portraits of the Fisher Price Little People. How did the exhibits compare?

The Hesse exhibit had its ups and downs. Many pieces were horribly overdone, tacky really, showing once again that money does not automatically equate taste. There were some lovely portraits and rich jewels, and of course there is a lot of history to it. Hessian soldiers were crucial in the American Revolution, and it’s an interesting business model in and of itself. They are German, but they are tied in with the royal families of England and Russia, bringing in different influences that way. Also, I never knew that pineapples were once a popular motif in German craftsmanship, but there was evidence all around (tacky evidence).

My favorite paintings were some portraits of falcons by Cristoph Wilhelm Grote. They were refreshingly stark, after all the fussiness, and more moving than you would expect. Yet the most interesting pieces for me were probably two sets of dishes. One was a set commissioned for a dinner party of 2000. The factory needed to use every artist, and they could not reproduce quickly enough so they just used different scenes. There are portraits, landscapes, mythological scenes—everything. Then there is a 569-piece set that used pictures from botanical works to adorn every single dish with a different flower. Mismatched china can be quite the opportunity. Still, I think it’s easier now when we just have the caterer provide dishes, or rent them. It’s less wasteful.

The biggest drawback to the Little People exhibit was that although we were within the posted hours, the place was all locked up. Fortunately, there were big windows and we were probably able to see about half of the works. The most important thing is that the dog was present and within eyesight. We pretty much went for the dog.

It was surprisingly effective. The pictures were very clear when you consider the magnification involved. The portraits were bright and colorful, which made them visually engaging, and they evoke so much childhood nostalgia that it was really a pretty cool display. It’s sad that they only gave the exhibit a few weeks over winter vacation. Obviously, it is pop art, and not as profound as the Hesse exhibit, but there is room for fun in art.

After deciding not to have presents, someone had asked what we would do for Christmas Eve, and I suggested that the five of us (Mama Spork, sisters, and me) could draw names for stockings, with an even lower dollar limit. So we had agreed on that, and did that after dinner. Little Sister J Spork had my name, and got me two Charlie Sexton CDs; his new one and his first one, Pictures for Pleasure, which I only had on vinyl. I had Big Sister Spork, and got her a new mystery novel and CD. Then we turned on A Muppet Christmas Carol, and while that played I finally started writing out my Christmas cars, explaining why you only received them now.

After getting the turkey in the oven I curled up with the book version of “A Christmas Carol” which I read every Christmas Eve. It is one of my favorite books, and not long, and it always lifts me up.

Sunday was church of course, and Christmas dinner, and more Christmas movies. We just have a lot of them and we love them all. My top three used to be “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, and “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, but I think Charlie Brown has been edged out by “The Year Without a Santa Claus” now. I just cannot care about “A Christmas Story” or the Jim Carrey Grinch. But in addition to “A Muppet Christmas Carol”, you should also try and watch “A Muppet Family Christmas” It is really good. The one they did a few years ago with David Arquette – not so good. It had its moments, but I don’t think I will ever need to watch it again.

So that was our holiday season. It would have been better with a Holiday Bowl victory for the Ducks, but you can’t have everything. Their overall record is still better than the Sooners. Stupid interception.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. I’ll see you in 2006.

DC Travel Tips

In April my friend Tara and I went to Washington DC. I tried to get good advice for touring the city, but the only advice anyone gave was that we would run out of time. True, but not particularly helpful. Now, as the voice of experience, here are my tips:


1. Don't bother with the White House.

In movies they show tour guides leading you through various rooms telling you fascinating things. That may have once been true, but now you have ropes that you follow through about five rooms, with people standing around that will answer questions if you ask. For this privilege you have to contact your state senator and request a form that you fill out several months in advance requesting clearance and giving information for them to do a background check. On the day of the tour, you cannot carry any bags, cameras, or anything other than your keys and ID. That ended up being rather inconvenient, and combined with the letdown that the "tour" itself was, yeah, don't bother. There is a Visitor's Center just down the block where you can find pictures and information on the house, but no one will explain the difference between an Easter egg hunt and an Easter egg roll.

2. Don't bother with the Cherry Blossom Parade.

It is a small parade, but the real problem is that it is so poorly organized and brings in so many people. I am not saying not to go at cherry blossom time; the trees are beautiful and should be seen. However, on the actual day of the parade and street festival there are horrendous crowds, in lines that do not move for hours, while the sun beats down on you. (See the side photos of the Jefferson monument on Parade day and on a different day. The difference in population is exponential.)

The parade itself has long gaps, so we kept getting faked out that it was over, and then more banners would appear. Most importantly, if you are going to have equestrian groups, the cleanup crew needs to be directly behind them. This way the cute little girl scouts and the dancers in their elegant long kimonos do not need to dodge so much.

3. If you want to go to the Washington Monument, get there early.

There is just a limited amount of people they can put on each elevator trip. The tickets get taken fast, so even if you arrive in the late morning you will probably be too late. The form you fill out for the White House is not exclusively for that, but can also get you special tours or admissions to various monuments, including this one. I strongly recommend using it for the Washington Monument if you want to go. And if you don't, that is okay. It's pretty much a fast elevator ride and then a view. For something different, but similar, try the Old Post Office Clock Tower. It is very high, great view, but with less waiting. It may also be the only place in town where you can fully appreciate the park below, which has the city layout on its squares.

4. Do not eat at museums.

Of course they are overpriced. It's to be expected. The real question is, where can you find food that is not overpriced? We found two good locations. Actually, our real gold mine was the fellow I think of as the most helpful souvenir vendor in DC. I should have gotten a name; it would be easier to type. Anyway, he pointed us to the food court in the basement of the Old Post Office (he was set up across the street from the food court entrance), and answered many other questions. In addition, the lower level of Union Station has an extensive food court. Most of our meals occurred at those two food courts.

Now, you might think eating at food courts is kind of lame in such a great city. I asked around a lot to see if there was any traditional area cuisine we should try, and it looks like everything is pretty homogenized. If there is a good restaurant, it is probably some hole in the wall owned by immigrants who happen to be good cooks, and you could only find those accidentally while off the beaten track. So, if I am going to be eating the same stuff I could find anywhere, I'd kind of like it to be cheap. The one museum exception I suggest is at the Museum of Native American History. The have traditional cuisine for different regions, and that is kind of cool.

5. Take a tour the first day.

Our first day, we did a lot of wandering around because things would look interesting and we would head that way to see what they were, though often when we got there we still couldn't tell. Later, tour guides would tell us. The wandering was okay, but getting the lay of the land down early can really help you spend your time more efficiently. We took four tours total: the regular Tourbus tour, Tourbus Monuments by Moonlight, DC Ducks, and a boat tour to Mount Vernon. The two Tourbus tours are probably tied for being most informative, but I'm glad we took the others also, if for no other reason than that I really love boats. There are also walking tours, bike tours, Segway tours, all sorts of tours. Definitely take at least one and take it early.

6. Do not miss the tour of the Capitol Building.

It may sound boring, and being around Congress is generally not all the fascinating, but the Rotunda, with its statues and paintings, is so spectacular that it should not be missed. It was disappointing that we could not wander around at will, and that it was so crowded and noisy. Still, you really need to go.

7. If you do go to the Zoo, spring for a map.

The place is large, and the extra buck is well spent to see where you are and which direction you need to go.

8. Wear good shoes.

Even when you are taking a tour bus, there is still a lot of walking. Treating your feet right, both by what you are wearing and by incorporating rest breaks, will make a big difference.The one similarity DC has to Vegas is that everything looks closer than it is because things are really huge. It's just that Vegas is a giant monument to self-indulgence and DC is mostly a monument to sacrifice and serving your country. I guess that's why there were no buffets.

9. Check hours of operation for everything.

Most things close around 5 or 5:30 PM. It appears to be so they can hold fund-raisers after hours, but I am just basing that on seeing a lot of tables and glassware set up every time we left a place. The point is, if you sleep in, you are cutting a big chunk out of your opportunity to see things. Early to bed and early to rise is actually better here. (That is another difference from Vegas.)

10. The Iwo Jima monument is not in Arlington Cemetery.

It is outside of it, and that was never clear until we were about to leave the cemetery and realized we had not seen it yet. You have to go all the way out, then across this other park, past a carillon and you still keep going. Everyone says, "You'll see the flag", but we did not until right before we got there. I think we needed to ask directions of three different people. Still, it is worth it. It was a powerful image as a photo, and it is a powerful image as sculpture.


Finally, decide which things are most important and put them first as much as possible.

Yes, you will run out of time. I was disappointed to miss the Spy Museum, the National Aquarium, the ghost tour of old Alexandria, and the paddle boats on the tidal basin, but what would I have missed? Certainly not the Lincoln, Jefferson, FDR and WWII memorials, or the various Smithsonian museums we visited, or the National Gallery of Art where we really should have spent more time (it had been closed, so its reopening caught us off guard). Not the National Archives where we saw the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights (in the presence of a thousand eighth graders). Even with what we missed there was so much that we saw, from a section of the Berlin Wall in the Ronald Reagan Building to Jerry Seinfeld's puffy shirt in the Museum of American History, to Giant Pandas sucking bamboo-sicles in the National Zoo.

Actually, I already specified, I would have skipped the White House and the Cherry Blossom Parade. I didn't know better, but now you do.