Oscar Blog

I know, I have never done one of these before, and if I was going to, shouldn't I be doing it two months from now?

As it is, I have seen more of the nominees than usual, and so that had me a little more interested--not interested enough to watch them, mind you--and seeing some things that others have written, I thought I would weigh in myself.

Actually, I did have a Facebook post earlier that even though I felt like George Clooney had better odds for Best Actor than Brad Pitt, I kind of wanted Brad to win after hearing about their bet. Sure, it would only be for one night, but that's a lot of kids. Anyway, I thought it was most likely that Jean Dujardin would win, and that's what happened, and I have to consider it fair. He had to convey everything with facial expression and body language, and he managed beautifully. And he can dance!

I feel pretty good about The Artist winning Best Picture as well. We loved Midnight in Paris and The Descendents as well, but of those three, I would pick the The Artist. In the case of Midnight in Paris, it just feels a lot lighter, and that lightness is probably deceptive, and also the tendency of more serious films to win may not be fair, but that's just how it feels.

One thing that was great about Midnight in Paris was how tight it was. With the last Woody Allen film I had seen before, Scoop, it was clever and well-written and there were good scenes and acting, but it felt a little loose, and The Descendents had the same issue. It didn't make it a bad movie, and that it did a certain amount of wandering may be appropriate, but as far as cohesion goes, The Artist nailed it.

Because of my love for the other two, I am thrilled with their wins for Original and Adapted Screenplay. Unfortunately, I have not seen Moneyball yet, or read the book, and I suspect that turning a book about using statistics in team management into an enjoyable movie is a pretty slick trick, and maybe they deserved it more, but I am happy for The Descendents.

On the topic of cohesion and tightness, it's time to turn to Hugo. I was disappointed with Hugo. It's not that it was a bad movie. It was a good movie. The reviews tended to make it sound like it was a great movie, and I didn't find that, and I believe it was because of the way it rambled.

Let me be clear that I am totally down with three of the wins that it did get: Art Directions, Cinematography, and Visual Effects. It also won Sound Editing and Sound Mixing, and I don't remember anything special about the sound, but it seems like it may not have been the strongest field anyway. Visually, though, that movie was beautiful. From the blue color palette, the tracking through the secret recesses of the train station, and the opening shots where it looked like a pop-up storybook coming to life, that movie was gorgeous.

However, there is editing to make things visually look good, and there is editing to tell the story well. Hugo went beyond could have been tighter into just sprawling. The dream sequences were completely unnecessary, the scene where Isabelle falls in the crowd really made no sense in terms of how it happened and how it was resolved, and a lot of the chasing was unnecessary. Now, the shots were interesting, and I assume that's why they were included, and there are all these visual connections, where the dream of the train crash corresponds to the early film of the train scaring the viewers, and the climax where Hugo is on the tracks, and when he has to hide on the outside of the clock, it references the film seen earlier. I get all that, but the end result is that instead of getting lost in the film, the film kept losing me.

Add to that the enormous plug for film preservation, and the whole thing felt remarkably self-indulgent. In thinking that, I have to consider that maybe film-making in general is just remarkably self-indulgent, because to decide that some vision of yours is worth all the time and effort and manpower that goes into making even the simplest movie could be kind of egotistical, but then it can be so transcendent sometimes. Maybe the point is that given everything that goes into it, you owe it to the crew and audience to try not to let your ego cloud your perspective. Any good writer has had to cut things that they liked for the greater good of a piece, so maybe that needs to be true with directors and producers too.

I don't think I have strong feelings about anything else. I was supposed to see Pina Saturday, and had to postpone, so if it goes as I hope, I may come away feeling that it was robbed of Best Documentary, but without seeing the others, how would I know?

Lin-oleum

This is a stupid title, but it's deliberate.

About a week ago I tweeted "I wish people could get over Lin's heritage and just enjoy him as a good basketball player." This was in the wake of the "two inches" and "chink in the armor" issues, which is what brought Jeremy Lin to my attention. I know there have been other things, but it was really these two that caught my eye. I haven't really followed the NBA for years, but sometimes I will wonder about something and look things up (like that time Greg Oden got me wondering about Sam Bowie's draft year).

Anyway, a good player, coming apparently out of nowhere and revitalizing a team, is a good story, and so I am totally down with Lin-mania and Lin-sanity, and I would only have found out about them by accident if not for the other things.

For Jason Whitlock himself, without knowing anything else about him, I suspect that he is on the mean-spirited side, and doesn't understand that nasty and vulgar don't automatically equal funny. Actually, a lot of people get confused over that.

With ESPN, though, maybe it was just a lapse in judgment. Possibly the lapse was related to someone irritated with the hype who was glad to see a loss, or something like that, but probably not with an intention to offend. That's my guess, but that this compulsive need to somehow work in the reminder that "Hey! He's Asian!" is where it went wrong, and that's where my tweet came from.

I have sort of changed my mind after reading the following:

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7601157/the-headline-tweet-unfair-significance-jeremy-lin

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/02/21/2653567/lin-sanity-offers-lessons-for.html

Actually, it's kind of a demonstration of racial insensitivity. I am thinking of white people focusing on color, and wishing they wouldn't. It never even occurred to me that on the other side of the color line, Lin could be extra-inspirational.

That's normal. I'm in the racial majority--less so now in terms of sheer numbers now, but certainly still in power. I can remember precisely two times when I felt judged on race. My friends of color don't have it so good, and yes, the Asian-Americans do face less overt prejudice in many situations, but they do still get it, and often with less remedies in place. And even though I have heard them tell me about it, and I have seen other people demonstrate it, it still does not automatically come to mind for me, because I'm not the one living it. It's an oversight with no malice, that's just too easy to do.

Keeping that in mind, I could just look at it as okay, the focus on race can be reasonable, but the problem is that some people are being stupid about it. Ah stupidity, my old nemesis--I could be very comfortable with that as a scapegoat. It doesn't feel like enough though.

I think the reason for this is that because of all the stupid and ugly things in the world, there is something especially nasty about racism. It hurts my heart on an emotional level. It's hard for me to speak rationally about it because it hits me in such an emotional place. On an intellectual level I know racism is often used by the greedy and powerful to manipulate the ignorant against their own best interests (as well as the best interests of humanity), and that frustrates me to no end.

Becoming smarter people would help. Becoming kinder people would help. If you take away ignorance and spite, there shouldn't really be much left of racism, right? But getting people to change is hard, and probably anyone who reads this and agrees with it is not really a big part of the problem anyway. But stopping and thinking about things is helpful, right?

Not every racial story is inspiring. Clarence Thomas is a black man in a prestigious position, and I do not find it one bit inspiring. However, Lin's story is, and I'm glad that he did not let consistently being underrated stop him from pursuing his dream, and I'm glad that it paid off. If it can inspire other people to believe in themselves and keep going, great. If it inspires one blockhead to re-evaluate his understanding of who can be good at what, even better. I'm not sure why we didn't get over that with Yao Ming, but okay. Maybe there's a really good reason and I just wasn't paying attention.

On My Way Home

Yesterday was kind of an interesting journey from work, mostly in aggravating ways, but not all, so I thought I would write about it. There's a lot about stupidity in it, so that will tie in to some of my upcoming topics nicely.

I was walking down 2nd, as I do, and less than two blocks away from work I noticed a persistent blaring of a horn. Even before I could see what was going on, I remember thinking that it was excessive. There was no way the person being signaled had not noticed and the blast was not letting up at all. This was not honking--this was holding down the horn.

There were flashing blue lights further down the road, perhaps an accident or a traffic stop reminding us to all share the road legally and civilly, but the horn persisted.

The actual issue was at 2nd and Madison. I walked past the car with the horn, and noticed that the driver was indeed resting on the horn, and looking bored. My first thought was, Really, buddy? You think that's helping? This was quickly replaced, though, by my concern at noticing that there was an infant in a car seat in the back, and wondering about possible hearing loss. At least the baby wasn't crying.

On to the truck that was holding up Horn-guy. Once I could see past the corner the problem was obvious: Hawthorne Bridge was backed up all the way to the corner. Truck-guy needed to turn, but there was no room for him, and by the looks of things there wasn't going to be room any time soon.

In that situation, I probably would have given up on turning, gone straight, and figured out a different route, rather than leaving people trapped behind me through multiple light changes, so I do understand the frustration of Horn-guy a little, but Truck-guy is also in a frustrating situation, and again, the horn is just not helping.

I wondered if I should do anything, but the police station is right there, and there were people all around, so I kept going.

Suddenly the horn stopped and shouting started. Horn-guy had gotten out of his car (leaving an infant alone, in a running car, on a busy street full of frustrated drivers) so he could yell through Truck-guy's window.

Again, I wondered if I should intervene, but a police cruiser had emerged from the underground parking, and a guy who was on the sidewalk was talking to the driver, so it seemed covered. I kept walking.

The horn started again, so Horn-guy had returned to his car, but nothing else appeared to have changed. I did notice that the cruiser had not pulled out yet, which seemed odd. The left lane was moving--only the right lane was stalled.

I kept walking, but constantly looking back, and Horn-guy was angling out into the left lane, and other drivers were letting him. As soon as he made it through the intersection, the cruiser lit up and pulled him over--I am guessing for disturbing the peace or disorderly conduct or something like that. All the bystanders erupted in cheers. By then, everybody hated Horn-guy.

So there I was, really irritated with human stupidity, and obnoxiousness, especially with a baby in the back, and then I just see the most amazing rainbow. It made a complete arch across the sky, and was bright and vivid. There was a building blocking the middle, but I rounded that and could see the whole thing, and it was just amazingly beautiful, and it was perfectly timed as a reminder that not everything is ugly and stupid.

Of course then I got on the train, which was really crowded and some people were kind of jerks about that, but it smelled better than the day before, so that was nice.

Then when I got off the train, some guy started yelling at someone who got on his bike to ride away that he was not supposed to ride there, ("Screw you!" "Oh yeah? Come back here and say that!"), but the guy did not come back, so another fight was averted, and without any involvement by me or police.

I got on the bus, and the crowding was compounded by a family of three taking up twice as many seats as they needed, and making fun of the mentally handicapped person who complained about there being no seats again. However, someone else moved over for him, and I don't think he knew that they were mocking him, so that could have been worse. And then the one girl moved her enormous purse to let another person sit down, and I thought, okay, they're coming around, but it was someone they already knew. But you know, they had a rough day. They’d left at 6 AM to get to the plasma donation center, and then only two of them could donate, delaying plans for eating deep-fried shrimp.

Eventually I got off the bus, and was able to make dinner and enjoy it with my family while regaling them with stories of public transportation and thoroughfares. And today wasn’t nearly as eventful. There were seats, and the smell was only medium-bad. And I passed a guy who looked just like a Samurai, but he was not picking any fights.

I guess the moral is that people can really suck, sometimes things are cool, and nature is pretty. Maybe that’s why some people like camping.

Pre-Occupied

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. – George Santayana

I know I don’t usually start with a quote. Classy, huh? It seemed appropriate in this case though, because I am writing specifically about how my study of the past has affected my understanding of the present. Specifically, I am writing on how reading about the Civil Rights movement has affected my understanding of the current protests.

Actually, the full quote is: “Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Progress then depends at least in part on remembering what has come before—not just as a way to measure, but also as a foundation to build upon. Failures of the past can be repeated by forgetting, but success from the past is unlikely to be replicated if it is forgotten.

Looking at the Civil Rights Movement, and specifically those programs undertaken by the Drs. King and Abernathy, there were a few factors that were always important to success: there needed to be clear goals, and there needed to be economic pressure exerted to motivate those who could accomplish those goals.

With the Montgomery Bus Boycott, they wanted to change the rules of segregation on the buses, and so they boycotted the bus company. To integrate the lunch counters, you hold sit-ins to disrupt business, yes, but also the stores were boycotted. That was the pattern over and over again. You deprive those in power of funds, because ultimately the business needs the consumer more than the consumer needs the business, and because you have clear goals you know when you are done.

The sit-ins and the marches had another purpose, in terms of image and publicity, and this was important. It garnered some financial support, as others from outside the key areas contributed funds for legal expenses and other things, like replacing shoes for the citizens of Montgomery who had to do so much extra walking during the boycott, and that was important.

Also, these efforts had an important effect upon the hearts and minds of others. It showed strength and gave outsiders a look into a world that they could not imagine. It wasn’t a multiracial paradise outside of the South, but I have talked to people who could not believe what they saw—they never suspected that things were like that. So I don’t want to take anything away from the protest side, but without clear goals and economic pressure, it would not have been enough.

With that being said, let’s turn our attention to Occupy Portland. Inasmuch as they have an ideal of more financially equitable society, I am in agreement. The growing gap between rich and poor is a big concern for me. I just don’t think they are doing any good.

Do they have clear goals? Not really. Are they applying economic pressure to a key area, in line with their goals? Even if they had a clear goal, the answer to that would generally be negative. There was a recent dock shutdown, which caused several laborers who would be part of the 99 to lose a day’s wages, but no corporations were harmed. Are their protests winning financial support, and the hearts and minds of those around them? They had been getting some financial backing, but for the most part no.

Occupy Wall Street might be accomplishing a little bit more, because maybe they are disrupting the lives of some of the people who led to the current financial issues through their greed and lack of integrity. I have doubts, but it’s possible. Occupy Portland? Not so much.

In other posts I have hinted at how it was important for the Civil Rights Movement in the South to go with non-violence, but haven’t really talked about why, because it is too ugly, and I don’t want to talk about it, but it may be instructive here. For years there was this idea of the Negro as an ignorant brute who needed to be kept in line (and down) or he would kill all the white men and rape all the white women, be bloody savages.

As the protesters stepped out of line, they were none of these things. They were well spoken, and well dressed, polite but firm. They suffered horrible indignities and violence and they did not return them. They were strong and intelligent and orderly. People could still try and cling to the old beliefs, but the facts were against them. (Yes, today ignoring facts is a national pastime, but more on that later.)

If the 1 percent thinks of the 99 as rabble, ignorant and uncouth, disorganized and incapable of making good decisions on how things should be, what has the current movement done to dispute that? Many participants can speak intelligently when given the opportunity, but there is no unifying message and their actions are often destructive. It’s nice that Portland has been able to avoid the violence of Oakland, but I’m not sure it’s sustainable under the current model.

The Civil Rights marchers could take police clubs and fire hoses and thrown items because they had workshops where they practiced being yelled at and intimidated and threatened. The only thing they were not prepared for were the police dogs, which even then did not lead to violence, but it did disrupt things for that day. Maybe our police force is more tolerant than Oakland’s (I’m sure the mayor is), but it’s playing with fire. And I don’t mind taking risks and causing or putting up with discomfort if it will do something good, and right, but that brings us back to no clear goal, and therefore no good plan.

I do have some sympathy for this, because I can see how it would be really hard to come up with a plan. With everything that has gone wrong since September 2008, with the financial crisis, or take it back farther if you want, where do you start? It is hard to pick a place. Much of what would be needed is legislative, and to get that done when corporate interests are so entrenched with government is hard, and there will be a little more on that in the next few posts.

However, if you can’t tackle the big problems, tackle a small one. One of the newer protests is a woman being foreclosed on. Okay, how about holding a fundraiser to keep her in her house? Or working to pair up people who are in danger of losing their homes so they can share expenses? Or starting a co-operative business to start some income going?

Not all of the Occupy problems are their fault. Their camp getting inundated with homeless people is a result of us not fixing the homeless problem, which is strongly related to us ignoring the mental health problem. So maybe get some mental health workers donating time, or get lawyers and financiers to help people with their economic problems.

One thing I’ve learned from junior high health class, and observation has borne out, is that letting anger out doesn’t get it out. It actually increases the anger. (This is why road rage is self-perpetuating.) Working anger out, however—resolving issues and taking action—does work. If you are concerned about social justice, be productive instead of destructive.

I know it could be discouraging, but here is an encouraging little piece:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/05/opinion/sunday/kristof-after-recess-change-the-world.html

Black History Month 2011

No, that’s not a typo. I just recently finished the books I had intended to read last year for Black History month. You would think that this would mean that I could start on this year’s reading on time, but I am in the middle of Native American Heritage month 2011, and then I have a few books to try and make our pets happier and better behaved. I think I can finish Black History month 2012 in April, and really, for me that’s pretty good.

So let’s go over what was read, and I will do it in the order of the books I liked least to best, rather than order read. (I read the best one first, which in some ways made the rest of it kind of disappointing.)

My least favorite book was Race First: The Ideological and Organizational Struggles of Marcus Garvey and the Universal Negro Improvement Association, by Tony Martin. Now, if that title seems overly academic to you, that’s actually the root of the issue right there. The book is based on a doctoral dissertation, I believe, and while this type of work is necessary, it’s often a little too dry to make compelling reading.

It is dry, and also it breaks down into several topics where there is overlap between different sections, that makes the whole a little confusing and a little repetitive. Some of the other figures mentioned could truly use some more explanation. This topic is not well known, though it probably would be more so to the review panel that decided to grant the degree.

One thing that I really have to credit is that even though it results in dryness, the absolute seriousness with which the topic is handled is really important. I think it’s easy to view Marcus Garvey as a joke because of the uniforms and pomp and yes, because of the hat. Martin does not include a single picture of Garvey in the hat. Sure, he goes over the philosophies that led to the adoption of the more elaborate outfits, but he does not reduce Garvey to either his outfit or his failures, and that’s important.

Marcus Garvey did accomplish a lot, and his philosophies of why the independent endeavors were necessary were exactly correct. Going over the book, it really seems like if he had just left the Black Star Line alone, and concentrated on manufacturing and job creation, he might have been okay. While having the fleet was a huge mental boost, and it would have been important for migration, it’s greater level of complication became a huge vulnerability, leading to abuse over and over again that drained cash.

And of course he was being fought by people who shouldn’t have been fighting him. It’s amazing how often the NAACP comes off as the problem over the course of all of these books—usually just for being too conservative, but in this case being downright suppressive of other organizations that could have been viewed as allies but instead were viewed as rivals. This is especially an issue with W.E.B Du Bois, who does not come off looking well at all, either in terms of Marcus Garvey or Malcolm X.

That leads to my second-least favorite book, The Autobiography of Malcolm X, as told to Alex Haley. I was surprised at the negativity of the book. My understanding was that he had modified his views, and then as I approached the end, I realized that this was happening in real-time. I had not understood how little time passed between his break with the Nation of Islam and his death. Then it became kind of fascinating to think about, and ultimately very sad. It was clear that he did not really have enough time to find his new direction, and for a man with his abilities you can’t help but wonder. Where would he have gone?
The other thing common thread, besides the NAACP being useless, was how everyone knew each other. Malcolm X and Martin Luther King were viewed as opposites, but they had the same people at their funerals. That brings us to Ralph Bunche, for whom I read Ralph Bunche: An American Life, by Brian Urquhart.

Initially the book started out really slowly, and I felt like it was going to be a chore to read. Why is it second favorite instead of third-favorite then? Well, it really picked up. The author worked with Bunche at the United Nations, and so for the early life, and even later family life, he really was not doing a great job, and it kind of dragged. However, when he got to various UN endeavors, it was fascinating. I still feel like Urquhart could have done a lot of things better, like sometimes his decisions on which facts to include and which to omit seemed questionable, but there is some fascinating history there, and sometimes it is well told.

One overarching theme of all of the books is how easy it is for those with bad intentions, or even just ignorance, to destroy the work of those who are trying to do good. That has come up a lot, in many of my studies, and is one reason why I need to make sure to break up some of my more serious reading with lighter fare, just to try and keep from hating the world.

Another theme is that even though events might be interesting, or important, or people might be good, books don’t always match that. A book that is a pleasure to read is a joy regardless, and when it also covers important events, and teaches you something, well, that is a find. And that’s why I covered the books in order of how much I liked them, so that I can just gush over the last one: And the Walls Came Tumbling Down by Ralph Abernathy.

Seriously, it’s almost embarrassing how much of a fan girl I am for this book. I love it. It works on several levels. First of all, Dr. Abernathy has a rich, warm voice that really comes through in the book. He’s someone you want to spend time with. It would be good for that alone.

In addition, he lays out the Civil Rights campaign in such a logical and orderly manner that it is a joy to read. There is a natural progression in terms of what works, and what doesn’t, and why. He had the advantage of hindsight to review the events, and it is masterfully told. I could barely put the book down, and I would dream of it at night, finding myself in the middle of marches. It’s vivid.

Perhaps because I did care so much, the book took on a real heaviness as Dr. King’s assassination approached. This was somewhat true with Malcolm X as well (and I do have a friend who has not finished Autobiography because she can’t bear to get to that part), but more so here. I like Dr. King better on my own anyway, and Dr. Abernathy loved him so much that you share his grief.

One compensation for my constantly being behind schedule is that sometimes things will come up that tie in well that I could not foresee. For example, during my last Native American Heritage reading, I ended up seeing two plays (Ghosts of Celilo and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) that related. This time a movie came up, Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975, featuring interviews with people from the Black Power movement. It was interesting and related well to much of the reading.

One benefit of reading these books together is that it affects how you think about it. First of all, we tend to associate the term “militancy” with violence now, but the SCLC considered themselves militant, as well as non-violent. For them it meant the level of organization, and the drilling (as they practiced being assaulted and being insulted and being arrested), and all of the other things that they did to prepare. Also, we think of Malcolm X as condoning violence, but it seems to be more that he did not rule it out. Now that does have an impact as you may have individuals feeling more justified in acting violently, but how much organized violence really happened? Later generations may have impressions that don’t fit the facts.

It was also interesting reading Dr. Abernathy’s explanation of why non-violence was so important, and in the context of the South, and how African-Americans were perceived, and what white fears were, it made total sense. In the urban North, dynamics were so different that the same approach would not necessarily have been best, though what would have worked is still open for debate. And it still totally relates to today.

So, that’s it for 2011. For 2012 I was feeling a desire to read the really old history of the Americas, like if I could read about Crispus Attucks (Boston Massacre), and Ford (Lewis and Clark Expedition), and Estebanico (Spanish expeditions in the early 1500s), but there isn’t really good information on them. Then I started thinking maybe I would read more about the Harlem Renaissance, and Du Bois, and see if he could redeem himself a little. I think I will be heading towards more medical history though. Likely candidates include The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Bad Blood, and King Leopold’s Ghost. We’ll see.

Facing 40

Well, it’s happened. I have turned 40. It has not been especially traumatic. It doesn’t really feel different. It is a reminder that time is passing, though, and that nothing has really changed significantly.

Back in the days when I was working at Intel, I remember thinking that if nothing had happened in terms of becoming a professional writer or getting married and having children by 40, then I would need to reevaluate, and maybe I would need to think about becoming a foster parent, or going into politics, or going back to school to become a teacher. I have still not ruled any of these things out permanently, but I am not changing making any of those changes right now. Instead I have set some long-term goals for things I would like to do when I am 50, so that I have a plan to guide me through the next decade.

It started with the thought that I would like to do a triathlon when I am 50. Now, setting a goal for that far off can easily be completely useless, because it’s like the procrastination is built into the goal already. That is not how this is going to work.

For me, part of it is that it will take me a while to reach that level of fitness. It would not take me a whole ten years, but it could take five. However, I don’t want to just get in shape, do an event, and then let it all go again. It’s kind of that I want to be doing a triathlon at 50 so that I know that I am entering my older years in a good way, that I might still be doing one when I am 60. It’s more about the kind of 50 year old that I want to be.

That has been part of the plan for a while now—I don’t even remember when I first decided it, but I have also put two other goals with it. One is that I will have visited all the continents, and also I will make a movie.

Obviously, for those things to happen, many things need to happen in between, and I have some ideas on that.

The travel one is the easiest, but it was originally a goal for when I was forty. As it is, I already have three continents down, so I really only need to do one new continent every three years, and then go to Antarctica when I am 50. Of course, that’s the one that’s melting, so I may just have to do that one sooner. Julie and Maria want to go on safari for their 40th anyway, which is 2017, so that will get Africa. The first one will probably be South America, and then Asia sometime after Africa. Travel fits well into my normal mode of life.

(Yes, I will do some more things in Europe and North America, even though I have already been there. Repeats in Australia are less likely, but not impossible.)

For making the movie, the first thing that happens is that I need to catch up in writing. That means catching up on all my pending blog posts (this would be easier if I quit coming up with new ones, but that’s not going to happen) and writing two more screenplays so that I do actually have nine of my own. Also, I need to rewrite the existing ones, adding more detail. I tend to write with very Spartan descriptions, because then the director can fill in their own looks, but sometimes it is more appealing if you give them some description. They’ll make the changes they want anyway. This process can take us much as two years, and it is all fine.

Afterwards, I will need to start filming things in different lights, indoors, outdoors, daytime, nighttime, human, animal, athletic, dance, panoramic, microscopic and so on, just to really develop a good working idea of how to capture the look that I want. World traveling will not hurt those efforts. I will also want to work on some film editing. I think a lot of this will come down to music videos. I can do tribute videos on Youtube with film or television clips, and shoot music videos for local bands.

This should give way to doing short pieces—maybe some stuff for funnyordie, or I could make my own Youtube channel. I have thought it would be good to do some demo videos for emergency preparedness. Anyway, this is how I will build know-how. I hope to be pretty competent with filming and editing within six years.

The other thing I should probably take some time to do prior to that is maybe taking a month or two and writing a bunch of six page scripts. There is a regularly running contest for 6-minute films, and a lot of people like doing films to show their ability to do special effects, but they are not writers, so I could have an opportunity to make some connections and be helpful there.

Certainly there are opportunities for networking, and maybe seeing if I can get some jobs or do some volunteer work locally on the independent scene, or even with some of the professional shows that film around here, but then it will also be time to start planning. I will need to pick a script, scout out locations, and get all those things ready. If I go super fast, maybe I can film it when I am 49 and then spend 50 entering it into film festivals.

Finally, what about that triathlon? Well, this is not an ambitious beginning, but the first thing I need to work on is sleep. I do not have good sleep habits, and that affects my eating and exercising and focus.

On the activity side, I have prepaid for four fencing lessons this year, and I want to bike to work at least five times this year. Not terribly ambitious, I know, but I am taking a slow approach. Also, if Forest Park has that thing for covering all the trails, I want to do that. I found out about it too late last year.

Other steps along the road will include taking swimming lessons, because I can paddle around okay, but I have no form, and that will make a big difference, and building up my endurance for all three events. I have been okay at swimming and biking before. I have never been anything but horrible at running, but I am a good walker, and I will start adding small runs to the ends of my walks, and as I start feeling more confident I will probably take a clinic. The good thing is I know a lot of runners, and I am fond of Foot Traffic, and there is just a lot of help for runners out there.

You may notice that I have no intellectual or spiritual goals there, but I find that those work better in the short term. I would not have any idea how to make a goal for my spiritual self for ten years from now that I would not think that I should get done sooner. I’m not worried about that.

Obviously, even these three goals could change, as unpredictable as life is, but I know they are okay, because they are things that I want to do, and that I will enjoy, and that will keep life interesting for the next decade.

Basically, I just intend to be awesome.

End of the Year Clearance! Everything Must Go!

Okay, not really everything, but compatible desires for less stuff and more money have had me posting lots of things on Craig’s List.

It started around Christmas time. Julie got the idea that maybe we could sell things to pay for our principle excursions in Mexico. The big ones are that we have a tour guide who will take us to Chichen Itza and Tulum (that will be $165 each) and then our admissions to Xcaret Ecological Park will be about $71 each if we buy online.

Now, that does seem like a lot of money to hope for, but we have a lot of stuff, and Julie and Maria were mainly looking at getting rid of some Disney things. There were two Pooh Cookie Jars, a Cinderella snow globe, and a Wedgewood Cinderella figure.

That doesn’t sound like a lot, but they are all collectible items, and have been marked by others at fairly high prices. The problem with collectibles is that you have to find someone who wants them. I got lucky a few years ago, and I found someone who came and took a set of Pooh snow globes and several ornaments without haggling. I was hoping she would see these, but maybe she went out of business.

Our timing was somewhat off. I think we should have gotten them posted a full week before Christmas, but it is a busy time of year and we didn’t. The week went buy, and the only thing that went were Julie’s spare Medifast items (those things are gold!). We just posted again.

I added some items of my own. There are two more sets of ornaments, a set of Pooh mini-snow globes, portable keyboard, and a food sealer.

Mainly they are things that are collecting dust now, and we could use money, so there are very practical issues there, but there is also an element of letting some things go, and letting other things stay.

I honestly wish I had never bought any figurine in my life. Once you have them, and have spent money on them, getting rid of them feels like a waste, but keeping them isn’t necessarily rewarding. (I’m not even trying to sell the Cherished Teddies, but if I thought anyone would pay for them…)

Also, sometimes it is letting go of plans, but maybe they weren’t good plans. The food sealer was for food storage, and especially for packing up pet food for pet 72 hour kits. I have never opened it. We still have a respectable food storage, and that’s growing. I don’t have great pet kits, but I can do what I want with Ziplock bags and duct tape. I didn’t need to be so complicated.

The keyboard is awesome. It is a Yamaha PSS-140. I know the Casio SK-1 had better name recognition, and that was actually what Danielle started with when we started the band (such as it was) and it seemed like a wise choice. Later though, when I felt like I needed my own keyboard, I had to go for the Yamaha. I think it was the drum pad that really won me over, and of course it was bigger.

I do feel like I will go back to music some day, and start writing music again, and this time I will somehow get down actually being able to pick out the notes, rather than just having to remember them in my head (or use that cool software like in Drumline). However, I think I will stick with the piano. I like the texture and the resistance with the piano better, despite my fondness for the sample rhythm on the Yamaha. The keyboard is fun, but I don’t need it.

With the Disney stuff, a lot of it was more, oh, that is cute, and I have disposable income, which is why you make small children save half of their disposable income and train them against impulse buys when they are young. Otherwise just being able to buy things is kind of intoxicating when it happens, and it’s not awful, but it’s not valuable either.

Some of them had plans. The Wedgewood figure was going to be the topper on Maria’s wedding cake. I’m not saying she will never get married, but she may not need Cinderella on top. They may not end up with separate households requiring cookie jars. We have so much junk like that. I did accumulate a hope chest, and most of the items have either come into use here, or been given as gifts, or been given away. We are now using Julie’s china set, and Maria’s bathroom set. Really, just save cash. Even if your circumstances change, by the time they do, your tastes may have changed also.

So we will see. If they don’t go as marked, we may try eBay or Amazon marketplace. They don’t need to go, and we will still do what we want on our trip if they don’t sell, but it would be nice.

Let me know if you want anything!

Underachiever

This is the flip side of “Loser”. Without ever getting an amazing lucky break or windfall, I am nonetheless having a pretty good life, and that takes a certain amount of intention and follow-through, and it is completely okay not to have the big break. However, is it enough?

This is not so much a matter of whether or not I need more to get by. I would like to have a bigger travel budget, but I can live with it. The question is whether I should have more.

It’s not like I have never asked the question before. I remember when I bought the house thinking that it was my first real milestone since I had graduated from college. Without getting married and having children (which I am not even going to touch in this post, but there is a multi-part series coming up), not a lot necessarily happens. I went on a mission, graduated from college, got a job, and just worked, eventually buying the house.

Sometimes I would catch up with schoolmates and they would be impressed that I worked at Intel, but I would downplay it, because it was not really a prestigious job, or a loved job, just a normal job that I was good at, and that paid okay, and for which my education was completely unnecessary. I never climbed the corporate ladder, with Intel or CDI, and I didn’t really want to. Now I have to think about whether I want to do that at Regence.

To be fair, one thing that helped me stay content at previous jobs is that I got to try a lot of new things, being creative and taking new responsibilities, so it kept me stimulated. This tended not to result in an increase in pay or a change in job title. That possibly could have been different if I had pushed a little more. I turned down some options because I didn’t think I would enjoy them, and I accepted one job change not because I wanted it, but because I knew anyone else doing it would be disastrous. I took the job because it was going to be less annoying than having to deal with someone else in the job.

I know there will be people who find that completely pathetic, and now approaching forty without much to show for it, they may be right, but then I go back to having mostly enjoyed my life, which not everyone can say.

When I went to Italy and met my family there, I wanted to make sure I could communicate, so I decided I would ask everyone about their jobs and how they met their significant others. Those seemed like reasonable questions, where I could listen and get to know them.

No one had much to say about their jobs. They had jobs, and they told me what they did, but it was so utterly unimportant to them. They talked more about their personal lives—their families, trips they had taken, things they enjoyed doing—that was what mattered. I kind of like that.

At the same time, I do have a really good brain, and I don’t want to waste it, and my real strength is language and I am not using it for my career at all. I think you see my quandary. Of course, part of what got me here was that my plan was always to work with language. I was going to write.

Around the time I started college I read a column by William Raspberry advising his niece (who wanted to be a journalist) not to major in English. Instead she should study the world and then she would have something to write about. That sounded very logical. After all, the popular writers then were Michael Crichton (who went to medical school), John Grisham (law school).

Also, it corresponded with my own desires. The classes that interested me were foreign language and history, but those worked. Studying other languages enriches your grasp of English, and studying history is studying everything—science, psychology, sociology—everything that happens for any reason comes into play in history. Also, I had no desire to take English classes, because the first year or two is graduate students trying to make you write like them, and who needs that?

So that was all very logically planned, and enjoyable, and the only real problem is that I am still not a professional writer. I have written one novel, one children’s book, and six screenplays on my own, plus collaborated on another one, and developed a pilot for a television series, and I have made $0. It’s times like this when you need to reevaluate a dream.

I have thought about other ways of doing it. I could try and go in for technical writing more, as I have actually done some as part of my other duties. They usually want certification, but that’s doable. I could set up a freelance writing business, and that is probably something I could do well at after spending some time building up a clientele. The only problem is that those plans generate no enthusiasm for me.

I hate selling myself. It’s bad enough having to pitch screenplays and write query letters—trying to get people to let me write their ad copy is not going to happen. Getting into technical writing would be easier, but it wouldn’t be a real step up from what I am doing now, and any of those efforts would take away from my already scarce time.

It seems like I need to stay as I am. In one sense I am viewing every job as a temporary job, until I can support myself as a writer, but that is only horrible if the jobs are horrible, and none of them really have been. Even as dysfunctional as the last one was, I was so deeply into it that I didn’t see it. (Also, it was a lot more functional while I was there.)

That was one thing, where I was having this slow realization that a lot of my obstacles were disappearing. The job that took so much out of me was gone, the draining writing project was finished, and the ward that took so much out of me was gone (more on that later too). I had a good visiting teaching companion and route, and Mom’s knees were done, and I was thinking, okay, maybe it is time to really make some progress on things I want to do, and then I got really sick.

Now I am healthy again, but moving into the time of year when overtime is encouraged. That doesn’t last long, and who knows, maybe the house will burn down, or—no, I don’t even want to put any of those things out there. In the eleven months that I was unemployed, I had flu, there was severe weather, people died, I was depressed and financial and emotional strain of the unemployment led to family stress, and I wrote four and a half of those screenplays. There’s always going to be something hard, but it doesn’t prevent progress from being made.

Ultimately, I still have to be writing, because I am not right in my head if I don’t. Characters and situations get in, and I keep replaying things over and over until I get them written out, and then they move on. It’s the same with the blog and the journaling—nothing really gets resolved until I have written about it, and I have about 35 blog posts that I know I need to do, plus at least one journal session, not even counting the fiction. Do you know that the soap opera is a dying genre, and yet I still have two going around in my head (one inspired by Jaws 2).

I’m afraid I’m not terribly impressive, but I am me, doing things my way, and I was never going to pull off anything else.

Christmas giving

I was thinking I should take a little break over the holidays, starting again on Monday after Christmas, but then I thought I should put up something Christmas-themed.

Every now and then around this time of year, I question our decision not to get gifts for each other, because everyone else seems to be doing it. Sure, it feels like it works for us, but maybe that is just because we are jerks.

We do give to other people though. We will think of people who need a boost, or who need to know that someone remembers them, and something with that provided some insight for me. My sisters sent some Oregon ornaments to friends who have moved out of state, and the messages they got back were so grateful. They made those friends’ days. And I told them, “Nothing we could get each other would have that same effect.”

We had just gotten to the point where Christmas shopping for each other felt burdensome. This is where we might be jerks, and certainly there is plenty of other evidence for that. Maybe it is because our birthdays do come in so close, so that if we all had summer birthdays it would feel completely different.

I know if we had small children in the family we would totally be buying for them, and for all my observations about how giving too much doesn’t really make kids happier, and it is better to limit, I would probably have a really hard time doing so. As it is, this seems to work for us.

My sisters have another friend whose guideline for the children is a want, a need, something to wear, and something to read, and that sounds awesome, and I like to think I would do something like that, with the addition of a family gift, like a puzzle or a game or maybe even a movie, but something that would then be a family activity for the day. I think that sounds good, but then I imagine not being able to stick to one want each. I am very weak in some ways.

Anyway, thinking of that, I decided the dogs are really the closest thing we have to kids, and although they do not know it is Christmas time at all, I decided to go for these things that Target has, where it is kind of like a covered dinner plate, but all toys. We got the lobster dinner with baked potato, corn, lemon, and I guess some kind of a vegetable is what the green rope is supposed to be. Maybe asparagus? No; probably broccoli. I think we will all have fun with that on Christmas.

It makes me feel bad that we don’t have something for the cat, but she doesn’t really like toys and I’m not comfortable with her reaction to catnip. However, she loves turkey, and we will give her some of that. Also, one of the things I am requesting for my birthday is a laser pointer, and that is really for her.

Toyland

The grand panda total was $314, which bought a lot of toys. I actually don’t know how many, because other people brought in toys too, and there were the ones I brought in with my shopping, but I think when I got the final count in the cube, it was153 toys. This does not include toys that other people on the floor had already turned in.

My initial thought at the beginning was that I wanted to get 37 toys personally, plus contributing to Panda. I had 31 or 35, and my sisters had given me another five, but then the last week there was another Buy 1, Get 1 special on the $6.99 toys at Walgreens. I had $56 left from the one paycheck, but then there was the extra one coming in the next day, so I decided the kids could have that all, and that got another sixteen toys.

On the last day I brought those in, and also sorted through my claw machine prizes. Initially I was thinking that I would only give the nicest ones, because you know sometimes they are using scrap fabric and the animals aren’t always that pretty, but my teammates thought they were all good, because younger kids don’t care if colors clash. Even the crab and lobster, which were small and kind of weird, they thought were good because they had such cute eyes. I resolved my concerns by putting a rubber band around their claws so they would stay together. That way, it was two small toys, instead of one.

There were three I kept. The rabbit is the first I kept after starting to play the machines again, so it had some sentimental value. One is an elephant that I do really like, but also the fabric is kind of easily frayed, so it would not work well as a toy. The other is the Queen of Hearts from the old Disney cartoon, and I think she’s just too weird. These are poor kids. They deserve a break. Anyway, that was another fifteen toys, counting the crab and lobster as a single unit.

Otherwise, there was so much variety. Lisa S had brought a Justin Bieber doll and a Monster High doll. There were balls. There were scientific things. There were play sets and art sets, and the thing is looking at it you almost feel the glee of a small child—not to the point that you need to run and tear into them (which is good because it would be counterproductive)—but enough to smile and get wide-eyed.

My teammates give me a lot of credit for it, both for my organizational role and the shopping I do, but there are two points that I need to make.

First of all, this is my Christmas shopping. Everyone else has children or boyfriends or parents or siblings, and we don’t do that, which works for us, so that frees me for this.

Also, it would not work as well without the participation of everyone else, It’s not just the money and the baking either. Holly does scrapbooking and cardmaking, so she made some Christmas cards and gift tags for the raffle. Teresa brought in some jewelry sets she had picked up at a sale for a silent auction. Mary brought in some socks and slippers for raffle in association with Slipper day, and Sydney, who is one of out temps, donated a pie server for a raffle as well. I did pretty well myself, winning a pair of slippers, some gift tags, the pie server, and a pair of earrings that I liked. Ultimately, we have a lot of fun with it.

When the totals came in, our floor ended up with 868% participation, or about 8 ½ toys per person. The next highest amount was 358%, so we feel pretty good. I know we can do that because we do it as a team.

The one thing that I did not really do that I thought about last year was trying to get the other teams on the floor into competing with us, to really increase the results. However, the one group moved to a different location, and the other group telecommutes a lot and we never see them. Next year though, I hope we can get other people more involved.

For all of our unholy glee in winning (and there is some of that), the giving still feels good, and it’s good for the soul.

While I was out

As I mentioned in the last post, I missed some time at work. Also, I was not really in great shape for cooking, as even when I was not completely exhausted I felt like a cauldron of germs. This happened at an especially bad time of year, because it was during the toy drive.

Now, I posted about the toy drive last year. I posted in the summer, several months later, because that’s just kind of how things were going, but if anyone wants to catch up on it, you can do so at http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2011/07/toy-drive.html.

If I had won money, what I wanted to do was spend $500 on toys, with $100 each going to Small World Surprises and Piccolo Mondo, and maybe even spending some at Finnegans, so that local businesses were being supported. Since that didn’t happen, I had to adjust, but it worked out pretty well. I decided that each pay day I would check the ads, and spend $20-$30 on toys. That way, there was no big drain, but I would be able to accumulate a lot of toys.

I ended up getting pretty much all of them from either Walgreens or Fred Meyer, which are chains, but my sisters ended up getting a few from Small World Surprises, so there was local representation. This was doable, and also I hoped that having a long-term plan would help me from going crazy at the last minute, which I did a little last year. (That was fairly successful. There was one week when I intended to buy six toys and I bought ten or twelve, but otherwise I stayed on target.) Anyway, even without prize money, I could contribute a lot of toys. (I will go over actual numbers in a subsequent post.)

Now, on to the stuff I could not do. We intended to have fundraisers for the Panda again, and people floated different ideas around, but things weren’t actually getting planned, so finally I laid out a schedule of what we were going to do, covering about a three week period.

The first week was going to be the In the Gravy potluck. Let me explain. Once when I was planning the monthly happy hour, I wanted us to go to Fourth Down because I’d had totchos there, and they were really good. I found out that Fourth Down had closed, so we ended up at Cheerful Tortoise, but now I had totchos on the brain, as did some of my teammates. (Totchos are tater tots with nacho toppings. Mmmm!)

Anyway, we ended up making it a potluck to celebrate the end of one of our quarterly exercise challenges. As we were planning this, and talking about totchos, which is fun to say, frequently the Village People would come to mind singing “Totcho, totcho man. I’m going to be a totcho man.” It was catchy. Alison suggested that we do an “In the Gravy” potluck, because she wanted to make rutamousse, and you can put gravy on that. I had to hold her off, because other people had already expressed desire for a peanut butter sandwich bar, which of course we called P, B, and J (Y M C A). We had that in early September, for back to school, so finally it was her turn for In the Gravy, completing our trio of Village People inspired potlucks.

We’d had a bake sale last year, and we wanted to do that again, and also Teresa had mentioned a pajama party, where we would eat doughnuts and pie. That had to be scaled back to crazy slipper day, but nonetheless, we had a plan.

Okay, technically I made the plan, even though I was just organizing other people’s desires. However, as the main organizer, I was starting to feel a little dictatorial and bossy. In many ways it seemed to be encouraged, but I didn’t want to have to start coming into work in combat boots and fatigues, so to mitigate my role, I went and asked different people to organize each event. Alison was a natural for In the Gravy, and Teresa would have made sense for the Slipper Day, except that she had also made strong points that we needed to get customers from other floors for the bake sale, so they would subsidize our beating them in the toy drive, it was valid. I put her in charge of that, then had Mary take over slipper day.

My only motivation was to spread responsibility, and not turn into Castro, but it turned out to be really lucky, because then I was not in any shape to participate. I was not even there on the day of In the Gravy, so I have still never tasted rutabaga, in mousse form or otherwise. I was there on the day of the bake sale, but I did not bake anything. I did bring a purchased pie for Crazy Slipper day, and it turns out no one really cares about pie. So really, I was a very minor presence for all of this.

And you know what? It was fine. People ate. We raised money. It was fine.

Then, because we are getting some new neighbors, we were having a two-team potluck, and I was asked to organize that, which I did, and I couldn’t be there for that day either, because I had a dental appointment. I should have had it the previous week, but I rescheduled because I thought the uncontrollable coughing might be a problem. So I worked out the signups, and then delegated the setup for that day. Again, it was perfectly fine.

There are a lot of reasons that I overfunction. Some of it is probably avoiding my own issues, and some of it is trying to compensate for my shortcomings and be worthy, but also some of it is having a hard time trusting other people to come through. That’s the part I hate the most, because it feels like a superiority complex, like I am the only one who can do things, and I don’t want to think that, but then I am left having to trust again. I am getting better about that. Also, I’m on a really great team.

When a secondary infection is good news

I suppose I should be more clear--developing the secondary infection was not really a good thing. Having it diagnosed, however, was kind of a relief, to the extent that I was able to appreciate anything.

In retrospect, the cold had been stalking me for a while. All of the long Thanksgiving weekend I had kind of a scratchy throat, but even the days before I was feeling a little tired and rundown, and just putting it aside, except that I skipped Eli's jam session on Wednesday night (which I had really been looking forward to). Otherwise I still worked and shopped and did yard work and walked the dog we were sitting for, and all of the things I felt responsible for. I still made homemade turkey soup from scratch, including the noodles, on Friday. I was really pretty functional, except that I like to prepare the Thanksgiving leftovers for further cooking (putting the right amounts aside for specific meals, and then slicing or chopping or whatever it needs) and I could not bring myself to do it. Everything just went into the freezer, except what I cooked with over the weekend.

Sunday it hit. I was very congested, I had a sore throat, and I had absolutely no energy. I pretty much slept all day. I did still make dinner, on request, but that was pretty much all the energy that I had.

Monday was the same, but I made myself go to work. At that point, it basically felt like a cold, I was capable of working, and I should have been past the contagious stage, so there didn't seem to be a point in not working. I looked awful and sounded awful though, so no one was too surprised when I called in Tuesday. I mainly did that so I could sleep, but also so I could go to the doctor. Maria was convinced I had strep throat, and if I did, that needed attention.

Going to the doctor Tuesday was almost a total bust. The nurse did do a throat swab and the strep test came out negative, so that felt like good news, but the doctor was not much help. She said it was a cold, and she could write a prescription for Sudafed for me to help me dry out, but she made it sound like that was a bad idea, so I declined. I may have been reading too much into that. Honestly, she seemed like she could not get away from me quickly enough, but she was pregnant and I was a cauldron of disease, so I guess that makes sense.

Now confident that I only had a cold, I went back to work Wednesday. I was still not in great shape, but Thursday I am usually off anyway, and I thought I would take one more day of sleep, and then I should be okay. When I was a kid, a cold was five days of sniffling, right? I was almost done. Ha!

First off, I was talking to someone Wednesday night who mentioned having a really bad cold for two weeks, and that was my first premonition I might have longer to go. Still, that was not the worst of it.

Honestly, for most of the day Thursday I was feeling better. My throat still hurt, and the congestion was still bad, but I felt like I had more energy, and more alertness. However, when I went to bad that night, my throat kept filling up with fluids, and I kept having to get up and clear it out. Finally I gave up and moved to the chair in the living room. I was still having to get up a lot, but it was better than when I was lying down. So, being in the chair kept me from drowning, but it was not particularly restful. I called in Friday, and that day was miserable.

I no longer felt more energetic and alert. Sleep deprivation is the fastest way to destroy me. I don't know if I should really make that public. I don't have a lot of enemies, but as far as I know they both read my blog. However, before the despair generally comes irritability and snappishness, so it might pack it's own solution there.

Friday night I was in the chair again, and Saturday morning I went back to the doctor. There had to be something else going on.

With two nights of almost no sleep, and feeling physically weakened and worn down, well, there wasn't much left to me. The nurse started the preliminary questions, and I started getting teary. He handed me the tissue box matter-of-factly, finished his business, and walked out. I tried to regain my composure, and talk myself down from the ledge. Look, you're at the doctor. We'll figure something out even if it is just the Sudafed. Just keep it together.

The doctor walked in and started to talk to me, and then she did a double-take and said "You look like you're going to cry." "I'm not doing very well. (Sob)" I did not have it together.

I started bawling about all the symptoms, and not being able to lie down, and there had to be something, like maybe the first doctor missed something or there was something I could try--and she was like, "Well hold on; I haven't even examined you yet." It was oddly comforting.

So she listened to my lungs and asked me various questions, mainly focusing on my breathing, and she sat back.

"First of all I don't think we should really say only a cold, because they can be pretty nasty, and the one we have going around now is bad and lasts for two weeks..."

Oh no, I am going to be like this for two weeks.

"...but also it leaves us at a risk for secondary infections, and you have pneumonia."

Actually, at first I was too stunned to really comprehend it. How did that happen? I mean, other than the severe cold creating a perfect breeding ground for it. However, I had skipped a lot of the symptoms. I never had a fever, or wheezing. I think I actually did have difficulty breathing one night, but it kind of got mixed up with this weird dream that seems to have been inspired by a commercial for "Once Upon A Time", so I'm not actually sure what happened there.

The doctor said she was going to write me a prescription for some antibiotics, and mentally I am thinking, That's it? I think I was still on edge from how little I came away with from the last appointment, and how badly that turned out. Also, okay, the antibiotics will get the pneumonia but what about the cold? I just asked if there was anything I should be looking for or doing, and she said I should feel better, but if not to come back in.

It started to sink in on the way to the pharmacy. I had something treatable, and this was going to work. I was still in some emotional turmoil.

I have to say, it was beautiful how quickly the Azithromycin worked. I started feeling better within a few hours. I still was not able to lie down Saturday night, but I could for a few hours Sunday morning, and that felt wonderful. The cold was still there, and even now, a bit over two weeks, there are some lingering effects, but when you can't sleep because you feel like you will drown if you lie down, what would feel bad under normal circumstances feels freaking fantastic. For the first few days I felt like I should be writing love songs to the Z-Max 5-pack.

Now I am just on the slow road to getting better. Monday I took one more day off to recuperate. Wednesday was my first night going into deep sleep (that was also a big one). Yesterday I took a walk on my lunch break--the first time I really felt like going outside. (I am writing this on Wednesday, December 14th.) There are a lot of things I have had to let slide, and I burned through all my sick time, but most of all, I have to remember to take care of my health. I used to be able to get away with ignoring a lot, and that just won't fly anymore. Old person now, but it is probably better to be health-conscious anyway.

Things I Can Do, and Things I Can’t

On with the introspection! So, obviously there was no big cash payout, and so things I had thought about doing with that were not going to happen.

I never expected to win pay-off-your-house-and-quit-your-job money, so I hadn’t been looking at that, but one day’s winning would probably have paid off credit cards (boring, but nice), and then any extra would pretty much have been divided between helping my family, charity things, and travel. I am glad to report that things are not nearly as disappointing as they could be.

Yes, I do still have lingering consumer debt, and I don’t like that, but considering how things were in 2009 and 2010, this isn’t so bad. I have had to adjust to a different life, and I am getting there.

One thing that we really wanted was to bring Sarah on a vacation with us. She had come out for a road trip and we got snowed in. Hanging out was nice, but we really wanted to try a trip again. That is not going to happen. Also, we are trying to get the entire family on a cruise, and some winnings could have made that much easier. Those things are disappointing.

However, we are still taking trips. We found a way to get to Victoria, and Disneyland, and we will work out Mexico and the cruise, and many other interesting places. Honestly, the financial concerns with the cruise holdouts are probably not the biggest obstacles. The Sarah thing hurts, but we’ll do something else sometime.

For the charity stuff, my big things were the food bank, the toy drive, and maybe something for Plan (that’s the group my sponsored children are through). Well, there will be more on the toy drive later, it was good. Also, I remembered that we did have an extra paycheck this month, and I do have places to put it, but I took out some extra for gifts of hope, and let me recommend that by the way, because they can do some awesome things:

http://www.planusa.org/giftsofhope/

The Food Bank is kind of my local charity. I care about hunger, but there are lots of good causes and I could have gone with lots. Somehow, anytime I end up doing volunteer work it ends up being them, so when it was time for the United Way campaign last year, I chose them. This year, I was able to double my pledge. Don’t get excited with that—I went from one dollar a week to two. Considering the challenges Oregon faces with hunger, especially with children, it’s nothing, and yet it is something. I am giving something.

It helps me a lot to know that no matter what my problems, I can make a difference for others. I think I need to do one thing for Bonnie L Hayes, too, and then I will have to stop, but I am grateful for that extra pay period. It’s really good timing.

There was one thing, and it is actually the one that stings the most, but very important for the point it leads to. I mentioned that when I tried out for the very first time, our dorm’s RA and his friend went missing on the mountain and died. I told myself then that if I won, I would donate something to a scholarship or something for Frank. I didn’t get on, but each time I tried out I thought it again. Well, I finally made it on the show, and I can’t go back on, and there’s nothing.

That being said, I also know that their parents provided a generous endowment to the Outdoor Pursuits Fund, so there is a memorial, and it’s a good one, and it has been functioning for years without any action on my part. Maybe that one just wasn’t my job. And it’s hard because a part of me is like, so all I can do for Frank is remember him? Well, yes, apparently.

I do this thing that we call overfunctioning, where I want to fix everything for everyone. I will probably write more about that later, because I do need to get over it. First of all, it is often used to prevent the overfunctioner from having to deal with their own problems, and that’s no good, but also, fixing things for other people generally isn’t really possible or appropriate. I have friends whose kids have never been to Disneyland, and I would love to fix that, but it would probably also be too weird. I don’t want my giving to be a burden. Maybe it would throw off the balance of things if I paid off my sisters’ bills, as well as my own, and make things weird. (I have a few people who have promised to take care of me if they win the lottery, so that could be an issue, but I’ll worry about it when it comes up.)

It is helpful to learn and remember that it doesn’t have to be all me. If facing my lack of a windfall caused me to have to deal with that anyway, it became even more of an issue when illness knocked me out of commission for longer than expected, and at a really busy time of year.

Loser

That isn't quite as harsh as it sounds. I have discussed a lot with my sisters that we just don't win things. This is not that we have a bad life, but we don't win contests or have rich relatives or strokes of good fortune. My not winning on the show just seemed to cement that. Of course I didn't.

Now parts of those conversations have been that we still have gotten to do some pretty cool things. We have good friends, we have a lot of fun in our day to day life, and we get in a fair amount of travel, so it is not just us sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. Still, there is always stress about money, and things that we would like to do but can't swing, and a constantly unrequited wish for something to happen to make things easier.

What I have had to realize is that most people don't get windfalls. It happens sometimes, and it's a nice thing to happen, but for most people it's just never an issue.

Maybe it's for the best. I have written before about how most big events only increase happiness for a year, but in the case of winning the lottery, it often seems to attract a lot of unhappiness. Even on a smaller scale, such things could be unreliable. Our father did get kind of a windfall once with a lawsuit settlement, and he blew through it very quickly without really having anything to show for it.

So, basically, we are living fairly ordinary lives, just like everyone around us. If one setback does not completely destroy us, it is because we help each other, and also because of that we do get to have some extras. Maybe if the first disappointment for a girl who loves fairy tales is that there is no Prince Charming to come take her away, the second is that there is also no fairy godmother to turn your rags into a beautiful dress, or make a coach out of a pumpkin.

I guess the point of that is that you can't base your life on "some day", because it could easily never come. I'm still waiting to sell a screenplay, but we've already been to Italy, and to Australia and New Zealand. I did not win on the show, but we still went to Disneyland, and we're still going to Mexico, and we're still going to go to lots of other places.

Talking about the show someone had mentioned it as a "bucket list" item, and no, I don't have one. I kind of dislike the idea of one. I'm not making a list of things I want to do before I die. I think of things I want to do, and then I figure out ways to do them. And I don't do them because I am going to die some day. I do them because I am alive, and I like things to be enjoyable and interesting and educational. Obviously a lot of that for us is travel, but it is also doing things locally, and learning new skills (or trying to and finding out it's not your bag; there's no shame in that). Really, a lot of it is the relationships. Some of our best times are just laughing around the table, riffing off of each other which, lucky for us, is free.

At the risk of sounding too preachy, a good life doesn't happen by accident. There are so many times when my sisters and I could easily stay in front of the television, or in bed, but we get up anyway, and we go and usually we are glad we did. And we don't do it all the time, because stressing yourself out detracts from the quality of life in another way, but the point is we are thinking about it and making things happen. No one will do it for us. Or you.

Do Greyhounds Make Good Pets?

Sometimes things from the show will be edited for time, and this happened with my interview. Alex ended up asking me three questions about greyhounds total, and the middle one, "Do they make good pets?" was omitted with my response. I may have taken too long to answer (I tried to be concise), or it may just be that I equivocated, so I want to give the full answer here.

You see, I have a theory of dogs. I notice that most people end up sticking with the same breed, and I believe this is because dogs are wonderful, and you grow to love them and will think that is the best dog ever. We were a collie family before we became a greyhound family. However, just because you can fall in love with a dog of any breed does not mean that there are not actually breeds that would work better for you, so a little research is reasonable before getting a dog.
When a movie comes out with a specific breed, adoption groups usually do a good job of getting out information on the breed, so that not everyone ends up with huskies or Dalmatians without knowing what to do with them. Until there is a movie about retired greyhounds, I will try to fill in.

First of all, here are some of the things that are great about greyhounds, and why they work for us. As a result of their racing life, they generally come leash-trained and housebroken. Those two things are important, and we are not great disciplinarians, so having that already covered is awesome for us.

Greyhounds tend to have very sweet dispositions. Even at times when you can tell that one has been badly treated during their training or racing days (not nearly as bad now as it used to be, but it can still happen), it rarely makes them aggressive, just sometimes extra shy.

It was the personalities that we fell in love with, but there are other things that work well. They do shed, so don't let anyone tell you they don't, but the short hair does not get matted like it did with the collies. Maintenance is easier and it does not hold in odor the way our golden retriever friend's hair does. (He is an adorable boy, and I love him, but sometimes I come away from him and I can barely stand to wear my own coat because his smell has transferred to me.)

Greyhounds are also good "medium" dogs. I am a sucker for dogs, so I will even think a Chihuahua is cute and want to pet it, but at the same time, I kind of think small dogs are ridiculous, and they're usually too high-strung for me anyway. Really big dogs are cool, but they eat a lot and they tend to have short life spans (maybe 5-8 years). Greyhounds are mid-range on size and lifespan. The life expectancy is fourteen years, and we have had a few go to fifteen. If you are wondering how we ended up having fifteen dogs over the course of about twenty years when they do live reasonably long, that's partly because we took a lot of old ones who needed homes, and partly because at various times we had up to five at a time (though whenever we had a fifth one it was always one with health problems, so I was usually not walking more than four at a time).

When some breeds are not recommended, it is often because they are working breeds, and they get destructive without stimulation. Greyhounds are referred to as 45 MPH couch potatoes. They like to run fast, but they will do this for a few minutes a couple of times a day, and then take long naps.

So, what might make a greyhound not the right dog for you? They are really needy. I know our collie, Laddie, was happy with any attention he got, but he never came around begging for love the way these dogs do. I guess he was just more self-assured, and the greys need frequent reassurance that you really do love them. Granted, that's part of their charm; if you want a pet that doesn't care how you feel about it you should get a cat. (Just kidding, kind of, and we have had as many as five cats at a time too, though we are currently down to one.)

If you are going to be gone a lot, or have a demanding job, or have small children who need a lot of attention, then you may be breaking your greyhound's heart when you keep having to do things other than petting it. Retired couples and childless couples often do great with greyhounds, because the dogs can be their jobs and their babies.

That alone makes it less of an issue of whether they are good with children, but that is mixed bag. We have known owners with children where it was fine, and we have seen other dogs be kind of nervous around children, but there are other breeds that are meant for it. It is probably good that we had collies when we were younger. We got Laddie when I was around six, but my mother has told me of coming in and finding my brother, Lance, as a toddler, standing on a different collie (Orlando, I think), to look out the window. This probably did not feel good for the dog, but he took it patiently.

If you want a dog to run with, you can make that work, but you need to build up to it. Remember, they are sprinters--not endurance runners.

If you want a dog to play with, well, their play is kind of different. I think because they spend so much time kenneled, but they often have soft toys, that chewing on a toy is something that they like, but interactive play does not come naturally to them. We never taught Laddie how to fetch, but it was something he always wanted to do. It didn't matter whether I was throwing a Frisbee, stick, or ball, it was the most exciting thing ever! The greyhounds have no concept of fetch. They could probably be trained on it, but really, what they want to do is cuddle, and we support that. A lot of people will do lure-coursing or agility training with them, so that's another option.

It is common sense with any dog to either keep them in a fenced yard, inside, or on a leash, but this is especially important with greyhounds. They are sight hounds, meaning they navigate by sight rather than scent. So, they can easily get distracted by something shiny (Squirrel!), take off after it at high speed, and have no idea how to get back to you.

Health-wise they do pretty well. They do have a tendency towards bad teeth, and cataracts as they get older are really common. We have had some cancers and some seizure dogs, though that is less common. We used to see a lot with low thyroid so they would take pills, but I haven’t seen that for a while. With thin skin and no fat, they do bleed easily. That's not saying it's a reason not to get them. Laddie had bad skin, and then his hips started getting bad--that is common with collies. Both of the golden retrievers I have sat for have had hot spots, and one has digestion issues. It just makes sense to know what is common.

On that note, I will give one more word of advice. This will sound weird, but start with a brindle. If you think about it, their coloring is hereditary, as are many other traits, and certain things seems to come along with different colors. Both of our seizure dogs were fawn and white. Of the two we sat for who had seizures, one was fawn and one was champagne (pretty close to fawn). Our more aggressive dogs have been fawns. Our worst separation anxiety has been fawn and white.

Okay, so maybe that just sounds like a reason to avoid fawn or fawn and white. Actually, the only trait I have noticed with blacks is that they seem to be really protective of their families, and a couple of them have been button-pushers with other dogs, looking for ways to annoy. The point is, brindles are really solid dogs, tending to be healthy physically and mentally. There are always exceptions, but they tend to work well, and it makes sense to start with an easy dog. If afterwards you get addicted and keep getting more, and you start taking in old ones and injured ones, well, that is a path you can take, but start with just looking for one good pet. Or two. Some of them really need to have other dogs around.

Afterwards

That pretty much wraps up the story of my taping. I then had to decide what to do about telling people. Even though I had been hoping for the Halloween show, getting it meant that people would have a lot of other commitments. I decided not to invite people anywhere to watch, though that was probably also somewhat influenced by not winning. If I’d had multiple games, I might have organized something for the Tuesday, but then if you tell people you are also on Monday, it gives too much away.

I ended up just posting it for my Facebook status on the day of, and also posting in the Aloha forum. I thought about doing it as an event, because people will get notice of the invitations, but that seemed a little too conceited, and more likely to cause confusion on whether I was actually inviting people to come over. Some people did wish I had publicized it more, but my friend and junior high locker partner Heidi posted it on Youtube, and then I could direct people there.

I will get a check for $1000 120 days after my appearance, so around March. This should pretty much cover transportation, hotel, and clothes, so it works out pretty well. This is sponsored by Aleve, incidentally.

I cannot do another game or reality show for six months from my airdate. I suspect this will not be a problem. Although many people have suggested that my family should have a reality show, we have not had any offers, and also I think they are wrong. We’re more fun for what we say than what we do, so I think a talk show would make more sense.

For another game show, I don’t know. The only other shows I have really been interested in are both off the air: Remote Control and Win Ben Stein’s Money. Actually, one of the other contestants had attended a taping of Remote Control, so that would have been cool. I think I could have done well on that. With Ben Stein, the questions focused a lot more on political science and recent history, which I did not know as much about then, but I have caught up a little.

For current shows, nothing really appeals. I do watch Wheel of Fortune sometimes, and I am fairly good at guessing the puzzles, but I have no confidence in my ability to spin the wheel well, and I don’t know what things cost, so The Price is Right is out. Family Feud could be fun, but it’s more complicated getting five people together, and then instead of coming up with facts, you have to come up with what people think, which can be pretty random.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I think my game show career is over, and that’s okay. I had fun, and people who knew me had fun.

If you are wondering about recognition, I would have said that people who had already seen me around recognized me, but not strangers on the street. So people who knew me recognized me of course, and a lot of people in the building where I work asked me about it. A few neighbors have stopped me while walking the dogs, and a former neighbor’s daughter called right after the game. So far, all people who have seen me at least a few times.

There is a wild card now, so I don’t know. When I was picking up my prescription a woman I did not recognize said she had seen me and I did a good job. I thanked her, but I didn’t stop to talk, because after all I felt miserable and I could not wait to get home and take those pills. I have no idea whether that was her first time seeing me, or she has seen me several times around the store, which is certainly possible, because we go to Walker Road Fred Meyer a lot, and I pick things up at that pharmacy a lot. Possibly I actually do know her, but I wasn’t able to recall because at the time I was sick and sleep-deprived and I did not have my full mental faculties. If she only saw me from the game, kudos to her on recognizing me while looking like death warmed over. Good eye.

So really the only thing left is thoughts, and even though I have shared many thoughts, there are more. This is where things start getting personal again, and maybe less entertaining but more insightful. We’ll see how it goes.

And Alex....

 

I kind of feel weird even covering this one, but a surprising number of people asked me if Alex was a jerk. My initial response was "No! Are you crazy? Why would you even ask that?", but it was asked enough that I have to wonder if a lot of people have this impression, and since I disagree with it, I want to confront it head-on. 

That being said, I can't quite hit it head on, because Alex is the person you spend the least amount of time with really, which is important for the integrity of the game. He comes on right as the game starts, and all the time you spend with him is filmed. In Prisoner of Trebekistan, Bob Harris (no relation, that I know of) mentioned that he gets asked a lot what Alex is like, and he told different anecdotes, and let people draw their own conclusions, and I'm kind of going to do it that way. 

First off, let's go over possible reasons why people may think it. I was told that there was a video on Youtube of him swearing and cursing people out. I could not find that. There were some weirdly edited videos and some of people filming the television and laughing in the background, where you can't even tell what they are laughing at, but nothing impressive there. I know he does have a somewhat reserved manner, but he's Canadian, and it seems appropriate. He is also self-deprecating, which not everyone likes, but it works for me. 

It could be a matter of the corrections he does, but those serve a purpose. One of the things Maggie told us is that they work really hard to get things right, because she has heard people say that something has to be right because they saw it on Jeopardy! Therefore, having a correct pronunciation given is important, and when they do those clarifications like "You were thinking of..." that actually shows why the person's response was not way off base, even if it was wrong. Actually, even with my game, there was a moment that could have been misconstrued. In the Shells category, I guessed "Awl" when the correct answer was "Auger". Alex's "No" is broken into two syllables, and it could have been taken as condescending, but what I understood it as is that when I started to say "Aw-" he thought I was getting it right, and then had to adjust. There wasn't any bad will there. 

 Without strong evidence of jerkiness, I have to attribute any rumors to haters, which is a real thing, especially on the internet. Apparently, some people may just have nothing better to do, or no desire, anyway. 

 I have my own reasons for thinking Alex is not a jerk. My first impression of him was that he has kind eyes. It is just an impression, but I have never met anyone with kind eyes who turned out to have a bad personality. Also during the visiting he was nice, and made a point to praise all of us, and that was good. 

 For other indications, look at what a great set it is. I can't remember whether I had the conversation with my friend Cathy the night before I left, or with one of the other contestants in the green room on game day, but I was talking about how great the group of people I work with is, and the person I was talking to said that is really a sign of good management, because those things carry on down. Having been in highly dysfunctional workplaces, I have seen the reverse of that as well, and it is true: leadership matters. 

Now, you could argue that Alex is not really the boss--that maybe that would be the executive producer or the head of Sony, or something like that, and that is entirely plausible. Even so, all of those awesome people love him. Of all of the references to Alex that came up during the storytelling and preparation and even at the audition, all of those references were affectionate. They were so proud of him for chasing down the robber. 

Even when I was in the audience, and there was a crew member behind me running some equipment, and he heard me explaining something about the robbery to the guy I was sitting next to. Even he weighed in, saying that he knew all Alex cared about was the bracelet his mother gave him (we were wondering if he had gotten his stuff back, and at the time he hadn't yet), and there was a protectiveness in his voice that was really kind of touching. 

If Alex Trebek is a jerk, they've got the most brilliant cover-up ever. The CIA should take lessons. And I also hope he gets his mother's bracelet back. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/27/alex-trebek-chases-down-burglar_n_911550.html