Still a dork, after all these years

Do you remember Cute Cafeteria Guy? I wrote about him in December 2007. Walking away from an encounter with him one time, I was amazed at what a dork I was. On one level I realized that to a large extent I had stopped developing romantically after that moment when I was taught that if a guy ever acts interested in me, it was a joke. This meant that in that area I had stayed fourteen for years, and was finally starting to progress again. (So this is my inner dater, not my inner child.)

It was good that I was starting to progress again, but at the same time, I realized that I could not imagine being cool. I can picture being thin, or rich, and I can probably even imagine being patient, but I can’t grasp “smooth”. So, it seemed like I would just have to accept being a dork and proceed anyway.

Also, if you remember when I posted my list of regrets and resolutions (September 2008), well, I was going to act on things and not duck away from them. I mention these things because I think I recently failed to live up to this.

It all covered the space of a weekend, with two very different circumstances and similar results. For the Friday night, I went to see a band play. Actually, this is E. I have written about him too. What I wrote was that although I was attracted to him, I did not think he was attracted to me because he greeted me with a handshake, and said goodbye with a handshake, and I just think if he were interested he would have escalated to a hug goodbye. No problem—I am used to guys not being attracted.

So, I went to see him play, still no hug, but the friend accompanying me felt that there were other signs that he was into me. She believes in me, so it would be easier for her to see evidence of this, where I am a skeptic. Still, he will not touch me.

Anyway, one of my resolutions was specifically that in situations where a guy is eyeing me, I will make eye contact instead of turning away, and I could not do it. Every time he made eye contact I felt the back of my neck turning red, and I could not maintain the connection.

The next day, I was at a memorial service, and ran into an old friend from childhood. This is A. I could not make conversation with him. Okay, it was a funeral, but I had been doing really well up until that point. Maybe part of it was that I believe he is married, and yet he did not seem to be acting married, but instead of clamming up I should have had the presence of mind to check his hand for a ring, or at least ask leading questions. Maybe I was just tired out at that point, but with the two events following so closely, I was feeling pretty hopeless. Ultimately, these events probably pushed me to the plentyoffish.com signup. (Plus, a cute guy recently referred to me as a terrific lady, and okay, I am older, and he is right, but it sucks.)

Ultimately, I keep thinking about Geno, and wishing that I had another chance to talk to him. I specifically remember not being attracted to him, and yet, maybe I should have gone for it anyway. I wouldn’t want to lead someone on hurtfully, but maybe you can just go out with people sometimes, without falling in love, and it’s not a problem. I’m normally a very practical person, but in this area, not so much. I’m still kind of working things out.

I could probably, with a little effort, find Geno, but for what? Invite him to coffee, which I do not drink and cannot pay for? I probably will not see A. again any time soon. E is the one I think about most, and the trickiest.

I was thinking, well, you’re just going for it lately. Maybe you should just tell him you like him. That it seems like a crazy plan is a reason to do it, but still, what purpose would be served? If he is holding back because he knows I am pure (which he does), or because, well, I’m not going to get into that, but there are multiple potential complications if we were to try dating, and it might be better that we don’t. But I am attracted to him. Maybe next time I see him I will just hug him.

Are boys really worth the trouble?