Hoping

I should really make clear that I don’t think that my life was bad, even back then. Obviously I had issues, but not really worse than anyone else did, and with a few perks.

For one thing, I am really good at enjoying myself. It’s a gift. My coping strategies did work for the most part. Yes, about twice a year it would all hit, and I would be angry and depressed and defensive, and then in a few days everything would be stuffed back in the box and buried, and I would get along okay until the next round.

I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have been happier if I had dealt with things sooner. I’m sure I would have. I’m just not sure that it would have been possible. Even though when everything turned around it seemed to happen suddenly, there were a lot of things that built up to it in terms of knowledge gained and experiences that put chinks in my armor. Even so, with everything that led me to where I was and who I became, I know that ultimately I was healed by the Atonement, and by Christ.

It then becomes a sensitive thing to talk about, but that has ultimately been the biggest factor in my life. Even then when I would not let myself think about things, I sensed that a big part of why I was generally happy, even with my problems, was through the influence of the Holy Ghost. I still believe that, but I also give credit now to righteous living, which kept me from a lot of unhappiness, and my faith with the things I believed and the comfort they gave. Heavenly Father told me over and over that He loved me until I finally started believing it.

I know religion gets a bad rap. There is a lot of falsehood out there, and then you throw people in there and with their vanity and stupidity they muck things up, even when they have every opportunity to know better. I get that completely, but you should never let that cause you to underestimate the power of true faith.

When we think of miracles so often we think of physical healings, but medicine has made a lot more progress with that than psychology has made with spiritual healing, so maybe we need it more, and when it happens it feels miraculous.

In my French Novel class, we read Nausea by Sartre, where the protagonist is sometimes taken over by sick feeling. This is considered to be existential angst, which he eventually learns to accept and live with.

I would sometimes get this sudden sickening feeling of wrongness, that there was something really bad, about me or around me, and it was as disturbing as it was undefined. Only after it had stopped happening did I relate it to those deep dark shames which I had tried so hard not to think about. I did not have to learn to live with the sickness—I was allowed to learn how to live without it.

I guess the point that I am trying to make is to not be afraid of what is inside. I am always telling people to own their emotions, even if they are bad. Then you can analyze them, figure out if they are based on accurate information or not, and choose to do good things even if you have bad impulses. If instead you feel ashamed and try to squelch your rebellious feelings, they probably end up doing more damage in the long wrong. I mean, there’s no point in being ashamed of being human. Just be a good one.

The most valuable thing that I have ever learned is that there is nothing really that horrible inside you once you will let yourself look at it. First of all, doing that is half the battle, but also there is always the hope of being healed, and whatever you might need to give up for that is worth the loss. That is why there can always be hope. That is why I can always know that things can be okay, even when I have no idea how.


21 minutes walking outside
Wall sits
1st Nephi 14 – 1st Nephi 9