Not looking for love

Several months ago I was journal writing about the different areas of my life where I wanted things to change, and it was basically health, career, and love. I set goals for health and writing, and I decided I was not working on love. Doing so would feel artificial to me.

Perhaps that explains my aversion to computer dating or asking people to fix me up. I’m just not feeling it. When love has found me before, well, it found me—with no effort on my part. My tendency is to think that’s just how it works for me.

Actually, when I was working on those goal areas, the other thing I decided that what my ideal relationship would be is that he comes over about 9:00 at night, we talk for five minutes, neck for ten, and then it’s see you tomorrow night. (Oddly, when I said this, instead of people looking askance they thought it sounded good.)

Now let me qualify that. I don’t feel like I have time for anything more. I would love to be connected with someone, and I think the physical contact would do wonders for me, but I think it’s all I could manage. Clearly it would not be comfortable doing so with a stranger, or someone I didn’t like, so I guess what I would need is mutual affection with someone else who is really busy also. And probably, if it did happen, those fifteen minutes would be totally unsatisfying and I would want more. Still, it would be awesome to have a plus-one for those times when it is important (please with a valid license and car).

I appreciate that people have generally refrained from offering advice, because I very much need to do things in my own way, and while often that way does involve critical thinking and appraisal, a large part of it is still intuitive. That may seem unwise if I consider myself to be a mess, but a lot of the pain on my life’s path did not come because of my choices. However, a lot of my choices have led to the friends I’ve made, and experiences I’ve had, and my growth, so ultimately, this path is working for me.

It is of course possible that at some point my intuition will change, and start screaming at me to sign up with e-Harmony or go to Mardi Gras or something weird like that, and okay, then I guess that will be the right time.

I can promise you that I will never prowl as a cougar. First of all, yes, I am basically as attractive as when I was twenty years younger, but not in the way it’s normally done, and also I believe part of their appeal is their experience, of which I have none. Old ingénue may be a niche market, but it’s where I belong.