A few months ago
there was a post that was getting shared a lot, and that I found very moving
and well-written:
Basically, it is
about a gay man who is married to a woman, and how that works for them. I had
concerns about it, like that people would read and think, well, anyone can do
it, and he is pretty clear that is not the case, or that people would look down
on him for his choice, which has certainly happened, but ultimately I found it
really heartfelt and interesting, and I am glad they have a relationship that
works for them, because that’s not easy to come by, for anyone.
There was one thing
that struck me most, and I’m not sure how much it was noticed by others, but
that’s what I’m going to focus on here, so I am quoting:
“My parents were
incredibly loving and supportive, which is part of why I believe I’m so well
adjusted today. They deserve serious props for being so loving and accepting—I
never felt judged or unwanted or that they wished to change anything about me.
That’s part of why I have never been ashamed about this part of myself… I’ve
never been shameful about who I am, or about this feature of me as a critical
part of my person, which it is in the same way that sexuality is a critical
part of any person.”
It’s not that he
didn’t face any prejudice, as he definitely faced some abuse in school, but his
parents always fully accepted him and loved him. His wife, who started out as
his friend from way back, loved and accepted him.
I guess for the past
year I have been gaining a growing appreciation for exactly how difficult
growing up is, and becoming a person that you can accept and feel good about.
Some of the posts in May and June especially relate to that. It starts out
hard, and gets harder if there is anything different about you, like being fat,
or having a handicap or a lot of other things, and yes, like being gay.
We know what the
bullying situation is, and the suicide rates and the runaway rates for gay
teens. It would not be easy being gay regardless, and also being Mormon, and in
Utah, that would be really hard. (He does not mention how much moving to Oregon
helped, but I would still guess it remained hard.) And yet, here he is, having
a rewarding family life, and career, and a creative outlet, and he sounds
really happy, and I think we have to give a lot of credit to his parents for
that, because they just loved and accepted him.
Do you think he
would be as well-adjusted if they had tried to “beat the gay out” of him? I
would hope he would find a way to overcome it, but why take a life that is hard
and then make it harder? Actually, a lot of my political beliefs come from this.
(And I am not aware
of any relation to Pastor Sean Harris, but it’s not impossible. Listening to
him made me physically ill, but I’m not sure if that makes it more or less
likely.)
Now, it is totally
true that being loving and accepting may have resulted in them getting a
son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law. There could have been many different
results, and part of love is that you have to mean it; saying “I love you” and
mentally adding “as long as” is not good enough.
And that’s going to
be true with many different things. Children whose parents taught them not to
use drugs or have sex or steal will sometimes still do these things, and
sometimes children who were not taught very well will end up defying
expectations. There are unique individuals here, and there is a limit to how
much you can mold them, which is actually a really cool thing.
This is a place
where belief in Christ should uniquely prepare us to deal with all of these
challenges and fears, because that plan allows for sin. We come here, and we
make choices, and at least some of those choices, probably quite a few, end up
being wrong, and yet you can learn from these things, and change, in ways that
you never could without choice, so we have God sending His Son to pay for those
sins, and it works out. There is forgiveness, there is healing, and there is
comfort, on a grander scale than this life, and we can have some trust in Him,
but that trust includes allowing other people to make choices that we don’t
like.
We really need to
believe this. For a lot of non-believers the issue (besides the difficulty of
faith in the unseen) is that God allows such terrible things to happen. If
those of us who believe in God can’t accept that people are allowed to sin, and
do awful things that hurt others and themselves, how can they look at us and
not see our belief as idiotic? We owe the world better than that, and we owe
God better than that. And we certainly owe children better than that.
Many years ago I saw
an episode of Maury Povich where it was makeovers for drag queens. I think they
had seven, but there was just one that stuck out to me because looking at him
in both his drag person and his off-stage personality, I don’t know how to
describe it, but it’s like everything about him was screaming “Look at me! But
don’t see me!” No one should grow up feeling like that.
There is so much beauty and ability inside each of us,
and I want to focus on nurturing that. Yes, if we love people, they will sin.
You know what, if we don’t love them, they will still sin, and then we’re
sinning too, and we’re making lives harder, and the world uglier. In my
experience, all of the beautiful things come from loving.
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