Once more into the breach

Going back to Kind-Hearted Woman, it was not long after noticing Robin’s evolving ability to make eye contact that I noticed that I cannot make eye contact when talking about that thing that happened when I was 14.

It was easy not to notice, because I never talked about it. Lately though, everything is just coming back, and I did talk to a friend about it, and I could not look her in the eye when I did it. We love each other, and share all kinds of things with each other. Intellectually I know that it was not my fault, and I would not blame anyone else it happened to, but I still feel such shame about it, more than twenty-five years later.

I have gotten a lot more open since I started writing this blog, and better about a lot of things, but that one is still hard. Also, with the driving thing, talking about that, I don’t exactly start hyperventilating, but the top of my throat tightens, and my chest. I have physical reactions, and everything is coming back.

It is about a year now since I was in a different round of self-examination and reflection. Blog-wise, the posts were about June 9^th through 24^th, though the thinking had started earlier than that. I remember realizing that my relationship with my father had a lot to do with my lack of relationships with men, and thinking that even if I got better, that door was probably still pretty much closed, based on my age.

At the same time, it still felt like something was going to need to happen and change. I thought it would be getting over my fear of driving, but I sort of knew that it would have to wait. I was working on the comic book script, and while at the time I was still in some denial about how long it was going to get, I knew it was significant and that it would be time consuming. Right after I finished the writing, I had the big Follow Friday.

I just remember thinking that Friday Follows were ridiculous, and in the next instance thinking, no, I should do this. That was the day Lisa sent out Friday Follows for everyone.I don’t think she has ever done that again, but that day I added eighty people, many of whom added me. That just kept growing.

Even in the early stages, I remember being caught off guard by how rough it was to be a teenager. I mean, I lived it, but it’s been a while. Hormones and bodily changes send your emotions out all over the place, while you are trying to become more mature, which often involves shame for the times you opt for the wrong level of maturity, and you have not lived long enough to have that perspective that shows you that things work out on a regular basis, and your responsibilities seem to be growing faster than your abilities, not to mention the horrific social aspects and the amount of people who deal with their own stresses by being mean to others, all of which has pressure added by the little understood notion that this is supposed to be the best time of your life. No, it’s not.

So my first response was sympathy, and a desire to be encouraging, because I’m pretty sure the first thing people think of when they think of me is “relentlessly cheerful”. Then more serious issues started coming up, and I still wanted to help, but I felt more inadequate. I started wanting to learn more, and I started thinking about people I could ask or books I could read.

Without really getting very far with that, the next phase was to find things hitting really close to home. Okay, there are things I haven’t done, but I keep finding so many of the same emotions and experiences and fears.

This did not help my concerns about inadequacy. I have been able to successfully complete college, hold down jobs, and have friendships. I’m usually pretty happy, and I use my creativity and I have done a lot of cool things, but there are also things that I simply haven’t healed from. For the ones who worry that no one will ever love them, yeah, sometimes that comes true, and it’s not the end of the world, but that’s not always comforting.

And this is what I was getting at in “Badly Drawn Girl”. I had made peace with having a hole in my life, or at least I thought I did, but I could not accept that they might have to walk around incomplete. It’s not good enough for them. So maybe it’s not good enough for me. Or maybe it just means that they can’t procrastinate working on these things, but they are young enough they can still manage it all. But I still think the guitar as a symbol of love works out, and I have the guitar. I so do not know.

Last year, music in general led to me looking at the music industry, and how it was bad for girls, as was society, and maybe that influenced some of the self-examination that I did. What comes to mind to me now, though, is how many times as I was writing I would worry about teens, and it seemed odd because I was not in contact with any, and they do not read my blog, but that thought was still present. Now they are here in a way that I could not have predicted, but that has grown very organically, and seems to be the right path for now.

I was talking to a friend about this, and she reminded me, with great kindness, that I don’t have to heal the world. I know that. I also know that I can’t. However, I am ready for the next phase in my own healing. It is easier to care about because it is for them, but it’s for me too. There was always going to be another period of self-examination and evaluation, because that’s just how I roll, but it’s still kind of amazing how it turns out sometimes.

The key point to all of this is that if, as many times as I am frustrated by myself, and the slow pace of my goals and improvements, I can still see that there is definitely something being built. The progression is logical in retrospect, even if not predictable in advance. So, I have to feel confident in the process. These things are going to work out, and whatever twists and turns I take, I will emerge safely on the other side. If I get a little sentimental over it, well, that explains what I’ll be posting next week.

That’s if I post next week. I am leaving for the airport and will be out of the country for a week. I hope to be able to track down an internet connection once a day and post, but I may not be able to. It’s not as relaxing I would want, but it’s still a change, and that’s good because my brain is fried and I am worn down. I hope to shake off this funk, because I have a lot to do when I get back.