My disguise

This year I thought it would be important to have a Halloween costume.

I decided that based on my realization of how hard I have tried to stay neutral and invisible, and not really invite anyone to look at me. I could see how that was destructive, and should be changed, but I was not immediately sure of what that would mean.

Did I need to try and be beautiful, or would it be okay to be fine with being gross and scary? I mean, I kind of already feel gross and scary, so is embracing that affirming my value, or is it affirming that I really am a monster who should be shunned?

I never really made a decision. I did have a thought that for my Twitter display picture I would take a photo of me with a bloody face and a cleaver, but smiling sweetly, and I did actually buy some fake blood for it. I never got around to taking the picture though.

Part of it was that to do that would require someone else to take the picture, which I don't love. Also I worried that the blood could be kind of triggering, because I have a lot of followers with Self Harm issues, and even though the picture would obviously be fake, it might still be enough. Also, there was the concern that I would be job hunting and promoting my script while the picture was up. Eventually I decided to hold off on job hunting and I waiting to aggressively ask people to like my screenplay until November.

I did end up loading in my drawing of the skull being stabbed in the eye from the January comic, and that felt okay, and I went by Gina Horror, instead of Harris, so that resolved Twitter, but there was still the question of a costume in real life, and it was never answered.

I think I am not far enough along to do it yet. Part of that was definitely the amount of energy I was expending in 
other places, but also there are things I have not accomplished yet that will probably get me further along.

It was interesting to read of at least one other person who has also been neutral, and worked for invisibility. It came up in the context of a discussion on street harassment, and one thing she said is that she gets more attention now, because she has stopped being invisible.

One thing I have realized over the last year is that there are a lot of things that I did not participate in without even realizing that I had withdrawn, or that there was an element of choice in my withdrawal. It is something to think about. And, choosing to be visible will have a down side. It just seems to be necessary.

So, I have a few more body exercises that I have not completed yet, and I will start blogging about the reading soon. In addition, I have some historical review in mind that may be helpful. That will start with the songs of the day around December 5th, and I am going to be going through old pictures and do some active participation in Throwback Thursday. That is going to dredge stuff up. I'm not sure how it will come out.

I will probably manage a costume next year, but it will really be more about what happens between now and then.